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I have just started to read some of the posts in this part of the forum, relating to Anger - and I wanted to write about the fact that whilst I read what people have written, I notice that I get a very large lump in my throat, and feel quite distressed and upset. 

I came to this area because prior to thinking about 'Anger' I was considering that I have been feeling some anger - which is quite rare for me.  But it's the first time I've come here to this area to read anything about anger, and so I think maybe I avoid it normally.

I read in one thread that LilyITV mentioned that Pete Walker's book stated that "Anger is repressed sadness and sadness is repressed anger" and this resonated with me.  I think that reading about anger makes me feel very sad and upset.  That causes a lump in my throat physically.

When I was considering my feelings internally - just before I came here - I pictured a volcano within the middle of my body - and as if there was pressure there - but I didn't know what might come out of that, and that felt scary.

Someone else wrote "Responds to the experience of powerlessness by dissociating from the experience" (I think that was in an article about Emotional Dysregulation - I am going from memory and thinking about what was written and where - didn't want to lose details, but forgot the source.

I feel as if I'd like to do some painting or drawing to try to encapsulate my feelings and express them - but I am scared of doing that - so I don't do it.   But I feel as if I want to - at the same time.

I also want to write a 'letter to - not to send' to express my anger to my FOO - but I am also scared to do that - at the moment.

I was looking at some photos of my FOO (parents) yesterday - and found that my reaction to seeing them had changed from my usual feeling 'scared and avoidant' - to actually feeling something that I think was 'anger' - and I could also see that in photos where I was also present, that there appeared to be strain in my face, and I looked uncomfortable and had a forced kind of smile on my face, and I looked unhappy in my eyes.  I can see it now, whereas I didn't notice it so much at the time. 

I can feel it more as well - wheareas I think I numb myself and dissociate from it normally.

Hope 

Hi - just taking a few days off from technology (except tomorrow when I am working) but hoping to have a long weekend away from technology - and will be reading nice books and magazines and doing dot to dots and maybe a couple of day trips with my partner - so it's all nice things.
Hope 

10th December 2018
Just to say I'm taking a break for a week, or maybe two - and will be back. 
Hope 

I would love to know any book suggestions for books that are enjoyable - probably fictional - but not necessarily - but basically something that would be relatively easy to focus on - I would consider Children's books as well as adult ones, as I am looking for something to engage me and my younger parts - to spend some relaxation time - I have been doing dot-to-dots - and finding that calming, but I'd like to know any book recommendations anyone has - thank you in advance.
Hope 

Letter to My Parts 14th November 2018

Dear Parts,

I have started to re-read the book entitled 'Treating Trauma-Related Dissociation' - and I was able to read Chapter 1 again today – and one of you was wailing and distraught at several times during my reading of that Chapter – and some of you weren't happy at the thought that I would be trying to  summarise my reflections on this Chapter in the Forum – so much so that when I tried to start a new Topic – you said things like
You can't do that – there's already a section – an earlier edition of the book – who do you think you are?  You can't do that.  Who cares what you write anyway.  You can't do it.  You'll mess it up.  Don't do it.

I got flashbacks too – to the time when I woke in the night to find I had completely shredded a nightie – and honestly, if I had tried to do that – in daylight and with immense strength, I don't think I could have done it.  Literally that nightie was shredded – and would have taken immense force to do that.  How did I do that? 

Which part of you did that in the night?  Why do you remind me of that flashback now?  Are you trying to tell me that I shouldn't poke around in my memories and feelings and thoughts – allow the part of you that is constantly rubbing out my memories to continue?  I appreciate that you are trying to protect me, but I honestly think I can cope with things – I have been strong – I have got through many things – both in childhood and during adult life too. 

I worked for decades in a very stressful job – I managed to cope – even though there were times when I had to take anti-depressants and I had to take some time off work too – to recover – to try to keep going. 

I realise that I ended up taking on too many difficult issues – and I ended up trying to sort other professionals issues out – and that just took too much energy – I know I've avoided talking about my work and my working life – because I feel immense shame for the fact I couldn't keep going in the end, and my work ethic was extinguished, along with my ability to work. 

Then I was left with coming to terms with feelings that I recognised from past times – I realise that parts of me are frozen, at different ages – and I realise some things that were going on around those times – thanks to having contacted my sister and also done some detailed searching in various places and sources to get information – I feel like I was a detective of sorts – and gradually I've been piecing things together, and fragments are able to be positioned in some kind of order – whereas before they were more free-floating and disordered.  There's been a gradual re-processing of sorts – but I'm not sure at what level, and to what depth.

I've read so many self-help books over the years – and more recently found an affiliation with the concept of dissociation and wounded/fragmented parts – it sits comfortably at some levels – and at others it is deeply disturbing.  But I realise that's the conflict between parts – and that does make sense. 

As I've read each book, I've also felt 'attached' to the writers' - especially to Janina Fisher – her book was so amazing.  Many of her words and suggestions have stuck in my mind – and I have been trying to attend to every communication from inner parts – and I was trying to do regular Meditation groups – but then my focus slipped and I was distracted by tasks in current life – but I see from the 'Treating Trauma-Related Dissociation' book (by Steele, Boon & Van der Hart) that they advocate continuing with real-life tasks – as a central thing. 
I felt quite over-whelmed at times, and still do – I recognise that I seem to have a tendency to 'read about' things and then somehow avoid doing the experiential side of things – so that means I am kept in an intellectual kind of processing and not in the 'feeling' side of things.  I need to feel things – I need to experience things, and I need to go out of my comfort zone to do that – I think so.

If I was to think of a word to describe how I feel currently – I would choose the word 'frozen' - because I feel stuck or frozen in time – it's like I have things I'd like to achieve and do, but there is a great sense that I might fail, that I can't do those things – and that I am incapable of doing them. 

This is not based on evidence, as I know that I can do things, if I apply myself – I have been successful in things I've wanted to do in the past, and I've been high achieving in terms of my professional life and career.  But now – I am no longer working, and I feel frozen in a limbo.

I'm going to thaw myself out – and break free to experience some things.  I just need to work out how to do it. 

Hope 

Hi - I wanted to reflect on what happened last night - in that me and my partner both went to sleep.  During the night I experienced an event whereby I felt extreme terror (which I now relate to having felt when I was a child, and it is a really intense flash-back to that feeling which replicates itself sometimes in my sleep) - so I felt that - and reacted by crying, shaking and my heart raced significantly - I could hear my partner soothing me - and telling me I am ok - this is a really good reaction for me, as I felt soothed by his words and I was able to get back to sleep again.  Hence the experience was such that I think I did wake, and he was talking to me and soothing me.  We talked about this today.

However, for him, he ended up later having a nightmare - which he told me about in the morning - although I knew he had had a nightmare as I remember in the middle of the night hearing him with a 'muffled scream' and I put my arm around him and soothed and comforted him, telling him he was ok.  He then calmed and appeared to sleep.  When we spoke about this in the morning, he told me that his experience had been that he had been dreaming that we were in a cottage somewhere, which he said was 'like a haunted house' - so it had a scary aspect to it.  Anyway, he told me that my FOO (parents) had shocked him by arriving at that house, and then proceeding to sleep in one of the bedrooms, and he had come into their room and had ***TW (mentioning physical altercation)....
tried to drag my F out of his bed by his feet (end of TW) ***

Then he had woken up, he thinks, but he's not sure.  He doesn't remember me comforting him and trying to soothe him back to restful sleep.

My concerns about this are that my own flashbacks and issues about my FOO seem to be impacting on my partner, and he has ended up being very worried for me - when he sees me experiencing my sleep issues etc, and also he seems to have developed some of his own.  I am wondering if I am ending up vicariously traumatising him.  I am worried about that.  I don't want to affect him in that way.

I realise I am personalising this again - because I do tend to think that things are my fault - 'if only I did this or that'... things would be different - and I realise it's not my fault - but I am worried for him.

We do communicate about things, but I just wanted to write about this here and see if you can share any thoughts or experiences that might help me with this dilemma of potentially passing on sleep disturbances to my partner. 

Hope 

I've bought the book: "Treating Trauma-Related Dissociation: A Practical, Integrative Approach" by Kathy Steele, Suzette Boon and Onno Van Der Hart - it is the 2017 edition.

I hope to write a few notes from the book as I read it - I would invite anyone who wants to contribute their own comments etc to do so.

My thoughts about the book are - it is a really well put-together book - the titles of the chapters are really relevant, and I have read Chapter 1 - and found it very helpful so far.

Chapter 1: Dissociation as Non-Realisation

I relate to p.6 "Though patients may talk as if they have insight and have integrated trauma, often this superficial and unemotional narrative is an avoidance accompanied by dissociation and depersonalization"

I really relate to this - I think I feel emotionless many times, but there are 'waves of emotion' for me within instances - there are delays in my processing - I think I do avoid - I barely process some things, and maybe over-focus on other things. 

p.7 "Each dissociative part of the patient's personality encompasses a unique perception of reality that can contradict the reality of other parts, with an amazing attitude of indifference toward profound inconsistencies"
This also makes sense to me.
The conclusion from p.8 that "the division of self is a solution to unbearable and irreconcilable realities' - that also makes sense.

Something that has meaning is on p.11 where it says "AS these young parts, the patient avoids the realization that sh eis now grown-up and must grieve what she did not receive in childhood."

p.13
"Some have a hyper-activated care-giving system, which is commonly referred to as codependence" - I didn't think of this possible definition of codependence, but I think I have this - it relates to my experience for definite. 

I also really related to the description of Helen on p.17 where it says about Helen "Helen, a child who was smart and competent in school and functioned in daily life, but who avoided thinking or knowing about the abuse.  Later, Helen only has the most fragmentary recall of childhood."  I feel like that describes me for a large part of my life - it was like my memories colluded to block out the bad parts - trivialised them, minimised them, fragmented them.  The book goes into details about the different parts of Helen, and I relate to the descriptions there.  I won't repeat them as I think it's potentially too triggering to do so, but I really relate to all that is said there.


(I wasn't sure whether to start my notes about this book here or not - I know there was a group of people who had worked through an older edition of this book, and I was trying to find that section, and couldn't find it - so I have started here - but maybe it's ok for me to write here?  I don't want to do the wrong thing, I feel a bit unsure whether it's ok to do this note-taking in this way, but I do find it helpful, and I re-read it - plus any comments people make.  Anyway, I think I'll stop for now - so far I have read Chapter 1 in its entirety - and written these notes up to p.19 - so I hope to continue.

But I'll take a break now.

Hope 

I just wanted to say this, which I've just copied and pasted from my Journal entry:

"I am just returning briefly to say, that 'during' my writing above, I felt 'ok' - quite non-emotional mostly - but re-reading it causes me and other parts of me to feel 'very emotional' and brings up tears.  Also a lump in my throat physically.  This often happens to me - i.e. I can write whilst feeling relatively little emotion, but it's the re-reading that causes the emotional response.  I might put this query out as a general posting, to see if others feel that way, and why that might be. 
Hope  "


Does anyone else find this, and what sense do you make of it?  I just thought I'd ask, as I find it happens to me quite a bit.

Hope 

I have decided to take a break from the internet and smart phones etc, for the rest of September.  I've written about my reasons in my Journal - and I think it will be a good thing for me, and a bit of an experiment to help me to move forward from procrastination, and to help me to connect more with my inner children.  I think they need that attention, and whilst I shall miss this forum, I am looking forward to returning in October to catch up with people and re-connect.  I will be back sooner, if I find that it's not working, and I need to return sooner.
Hope 

Dear FOO,
This is a letter I won't be sending you - but I want to express some of my feelings, and I'm taking the structure of an article that Karyl McBride wrote entitled "How Narcissitic Parenting Affects Children" and I'm going to write my replies to the points - I think it will help me to get my feelings out.

* The child won't feel heard or seen
I relate so much to this - it's like I was there, but no one heard or saw me - unless I was doing something 'for you'. 

* The child's feelings and reality will not be acknowledged.
You couldn't allow me any feelings that didn't conform with the world view as you saw it - I felt like I had to shut down my feelings, and go into my own little world - you lied about so many aspects of our family life - and my own reality wasn't acknowledged - it was all about your own.  But you weren't even true to your own feelings - it was a warped and toxic environment.  Maybe we all dissociated and went into our own realities.  I don't know.  But I was a child, and I needed to have my feelings and reality acknowledged - so the fact it wasn't - it wasn't right.

* The child will be treated like an accessory to the parent, rather than a person.
Sometimes I felt as if you liked to 'show me off' in social situations - because I might have sounded cute or said cute things - and that was like showing off my cuteness - and I do remember those times - you allowed me to shine in those situations - but I didn't feel as if you regarded me as a person at all - it was like I was there - and you had other things that were more important.

*The child will not learn to identify or trust their own feelings and will grow up with crippling self-doubt.
I relate so much to this - I find it hard to know what I'm thinking or feeling, I am beginning to make progress in learning about these things - decades later - and I can make some decisions, but the longer I leave the decision making process, the harder it becomes, and then I procrastinate and end up feeling as if I'm stuck - unable to choose - and this can be in the most simplest of situations - which makes it quite debilitating.  It depends which of my fragmented parts is 'in control' at the time, though - as sometimes I can spontaneously 'choose' - and that feels liberating, when that happens.

* The child will be taught that how they look is more important than how they feel.
I used to feel that any blemish on my body was ugly - I used to pick at a mole on my leg because it wasn't perfectly shaped - I used to make it bleed.  I felt like I had to be perfect in how I looked, and I felt the pressure from you to be this way.  As if it mattered more how I looked, than how I felt or was.  Like I was a china doll in some ways.  Hollow, but perfect to look at. 

*The child will be fearful of being real, and will instead be taught that image is more important than authenticity
I value authenticity more than image - I am thankful that I feel this way - that I've been able to see beyond the perfection you wanted to portray, and see behind the horrible way you used to treat people - and still do.  But I do feel as if my experience of life isn't 'real' because I am often dissociated and experiencing some depersonalisation too.  So my self feels as if it's unreal sometimes. 

*The child will be taught to keep secrets to protect the parent and the family.
I did this constantly throughout my childhood and also into much of my adulthood - I preserved the perfect image you wanted to portray of us being a cohesive and loving family - close and respectful of one another.  But this was just NOT TRUE - we were toxic, dysfunctional, and the air was hard to breathe in the end.  That 'politeness' became a mask - as underneath there were masses of secrets.

*The child will not be encouraged to develop their own sense of self.
I tried - but each time I reached out, there would be times that you'd knock me back, or undermine my confidence, and get me back in the box that you wanted me to be in.  You didn't want me to develop a true sense of self - you couldn't allow that - because you needed me to be self-deprecating and be there to serve you, and your needs.  To the detriment of my own self.    Each of my inner selves have tried to develop - at different rates, but many of us are stuck, and consequently we don't have an integral sense of 'self' - we are many contrasting selves.  But what I will say is that we are beginning to understand and recognise each other, and we are banding together to hopefully integrate and learn to get along toghether.  We feel stronger in that process.

*The child will feel emotionally empty and not nurtured.
I can't remember you hugging me, or comforting me - I didn't feel nurtured - I felt like you were a wire mother - and that you were an abusive father - and yes, I felt a void emotionally - I tried to fill it - in various ways, but I never received nurturing care from you.

* The child will learn not to trust others.
I wanted to trust others, but you always told me that people were 'not to be trusted' and you kept giving me these messages throughout - but there was a part of my spirit and being that wanted to see the good in people, and I still do - I believe there are good people out there, but sadly the people I should have been able to rely on - my FOO - they weren't the good ones, they were damaged and untrusting of society and you tried to extend that belief to me - there is a part of me that doesn't trust others, and keeps me separate in many ways, but I try to listen to the other parts which are more trusting and we like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and see how they will be.  So you've not knocked my ability to trust people out - I am thankful of that.

* The child will feel used and manipulated.
I didn't realise how my upbringing had affected me till many years later - I've struggled to understand different aspects of myself and why I've been how I've been, reacted how I've reacted etc, but it's only been in recent years that I've realised that my FOO have used and manipulated me - I am still coming to terms with this, still trying to understand - and it's a hard journey to negotiate.  But I 'see' more now - and I comprehend more things.

* The child will be there for the parent, rather than the other way around, as it should be.
Yes, I was consistently there for you - rather than the other way around.  I tried to make your lives happier, I tried to be the best daughter I could be - I tried to please you and placate you, and be who you needed me to be.  I did this thoughtout my childhood and into much of my adulthood, but thankfully I realised that my own life is important too - I needed to have a partner and a life of my own, and circumstances have led me to break away from you - to estrange myself from the previous enmeshment and dysfunctional toxicity of our relationship.  It's been so hard, taken quite a few years, but I'm beginning to finally 'break free' emotionally too - and my fragmented parts are beginning to support one another - now we recognise one another - and realise what had happened, and how we've managed to cope and come through all of this.

*The child's emotional development will be stunted.
Yes, and we have been stunted at different developmental ages and levels - but it doesn't mean that you can keep us frozen at those ages - because we are communicating with each other now, and gaining support as a 'family system' - Hope and all the Little Hopes - we are a team.  An ever growing family infact, and we'll never be lonely and isolated again - thanks to beginning to understand and love each other.  So we feel stronger.  Not all the time, but if one of us is suffering, then there are others who can put an arm around us, and give us sustained Hope.

*The child will feel criticized and judged, rather than accepted and loved.
This was how I felt during most of my childhood and also adulthood - like I was forever stepping on egg-shells, and trying to placate and please - I didn't feel accepted and I didn't feel loved.  This is very sad - and I grieve for those things.  But there are people in my life now who do accept me, and who love me, and who don't criticise or judge me - and that is so precious and gives me hope in life.

*The child will grow frustrated trying to seek love, approval, and attention to no avail.
I realise this - because I ended up turning to school and education to try to find a way in life - to succeed, to seek approval and attention from people around, and I did receive many acknowledgements of my abilities - and I achieved a lot - but it is a glossy finish that betrays the underlying sense of hollowness - there was a frustration in seeking love and approval, as it cannot ever replace the fact that my FOO couldn't provide me with those things - that nothing I could ever do would be 'good enough' for them, because essentially you didn't care for me, you couldn't - you had other things that were more meaningful - more important, and so that was how it was.

I'm only half-way through the list of items on Karyl McBride's list - and I can feel myself 'cutting off' - so I'll stop now, and maybe do another 'letter' another time. 

I have a feeling that I'll 'feel' things when I re-read this - as I don't seem to process things when I'm writing them, only when I re-read them, and then my inners react in different ways to what they read.  So I'll come back to it.

Hope 

The HAVOCA organisation, which stands for 'Help for Adult Victims of Child Abuse" have done a survey and the results are here, and are interesting:

https://www.havoca.org/havoca-survey/havoca-survey-results/

Just wanted to share that link here, incase you wanted to have a look.

Hope 

Procrastination – What Holds Me Back?

So as I begin to seriously consider my healing and my way forward – I wonder what has been holding me back – why I have been putting things off, procrastinating.  Because I can feel there are obstacles – and I need to understand them, to negotiate with them and hopefully move forward.

In no particular order, here are a few factors I've identified:

1) Fear – maybe I've become comfortable with how things are, and fear what I might discover – so I may hold myself back from confronting things

2) Guilt – somehow I still hold myself as 'responsible' for the family dynamics – and have done so from a small child – somehow thinking that I am holding the family together and managing everything – treading on egg-shells, trying to please, and so to have broken away from that, become estranged from my FOO, then somehow I am 'terrible' and a 'bad person' for having dared to do that, and somehow I have become the cause of any negative feelings felt by my FOO – I think that 'if only I could have held it together' then they would have been continuing to be 'happy' and living their fantasy life that everything is 'ok'.  (Glad I'm writing that, as it sounds like a farce when I put it in black and white like this – I can already feel myself thinking that it's ridiculous that I should put these things on my shoulders).

3) Conflict between my inners/fragmented parts – there are quite a few of them, and they have different fears and concerns – and some of them worry about what will happen.  Some of them are unaware that time has passed by and essentially we're 'safe' - they still fear and feel doom and gloom and they worry what will happen if we face some things.

4) I lost a lot of 'roles' of my life with the various changes that have happened to me in the last few years – and that takes a lot of adjusting – and I don't feel equipped in many ways to handle that, so maybe it's fear of not knowing how to be/what to do.

5) My self-identity has never really evolved in any meaningful way – I've been what others have wanted me to be, instead of necessarily who I am – indeed, I wonder 'Who am I? What do I like/dislike?' - maybe part of procrastinating is trying to work these things out, and therefore the ways forward seem scary and also hard to choose the right path.

I'm sure there are many more things, but those are a few to start with.

I wonder if others relate to this, and whether you feel you put things off and procrastinate.

I've decided I'm going to try to make small steps each day to move things forward, and hopefully 'do more' and procrastinate less.  That's the plan...

Hope :-)

**Potential triggers - mentioning night terrors

I just wanted to share my recent experiences at night.  Just to get them out somewhere and maybe hear anyone's thoughts on them, or if you have anything you want to share yourself regarding your own experiences - as I think it will be helpful to hear different perspectives - and I know you understand.  So thank you in advance for reading, and any replies I will value.  Thank you.

I have a history of nightmares and night terrors, going back to early childhood.  I won't write about the specifics, but the frequency of these has varied over the years.  They got incredibly bad, in terms of being very frequent and quite violent - i.e. I was often catapulting myself out of bed to escape something - during the time I was becoming estranged from my FOO - that was when they were at their worst - although they were also incredibly distressing to me when I was a small child too - to the extent that I couldn't sleep in my own bedroom for several weeks (although I can't remember how old I was, so can't be sure of time-scale really).

Anyway, 2 night's ago, I had the experience of a woman sitting on my bed - dressed in a grey shawl, her eyes averted and her head bowed.  She disconcerted me, in that I felt slightly freaked out, but I wasn't too scared by that experience.

However the night before last, I had been telling my little inners that it was ok to show me things, whilst I was dozing in my sleep, and then in the night, I think they did show me something, because I remember seeing 'something' and then I thought my partner spoke to me in a worried voice, and then I ended up screaming, and remembered screaming and trying to get away, but my partner physically held me down so I couldn't run away. 

Anyway, this experience was related differently by my partner, who told me that I had just started screaming wildly and so loudly, and then he'd had to hold onto me, as I tried to catapult myself out of bed. 

So, then I had woken, and had felt very confused, and my partner ended up experiencing symptoms as if he'd been traumatised by the experience - i.e. his heart was racing and his extremeties felt very cold, and he felt shocked.  This made me feel even worse about the situation, as I worry for him.

This whole scenario really upset me for the whole of much of yesterday, and when I went to bed at the end of the day, I was actually worried about what would be likely to happen, would it happen again etc.

Anyway, I told my inners that it was ok to tell me things, but instead of allowing them to just 'take control' I was active in terms of 'responding' to them - e.g. they gave me the feelings of a pain in the left-hand side of my forehead, near my left-eye, and I responded by saying I was sorry that they had that pain, and I hoped I could help them - thereby responding as a caring protective parent might to their needs.

This time, I found that I managed to see snippets of memory - but it didn't get out of control like it had the previous night. 

I also had a discussion with my partner about the fact that he was concerned for me that I was making things worse, but I was saying to him that I feel the need to work through and process things as much as I can 'now' - because I fear what might happen in the future, if I face a stressor, and then things might not be within my control - whereas now, I feel I'm in a more stable period of my life - i.e. with a caring and loving partner, and able to look at things.

Sorry for the length of this post - I meant to be shorter.

Just writing about it is helpful, and if you're reading, then thank you - and if you do have any comments - I would value them. 

Hope 

Trigger warning: Mentioning CSA and child abuse.

This letter is written as part of an exercise in Mary Bratton's book about 'From Surviving to Thriving for Survivors of Childhood Abuse' and the exercise says:
Draw a picture or write a fable or poem showing why the abuse was not your fault.  (the intervention is said to be: Redefining abuse as assault, the Rationale: Confront minimizing and denial.  Reduce emotional connection between perpetrator and victim; and Result: Decreased minimizing and denial; diminished self-blame and guilt).

So this letter (not to send) is to my FOO (both my F and my M):

From Surviving to Thriving

p. 32 Mary Bratton's book:

Client exercise: Draw a picture or write a fable or poem showing why the abuse was not your fault.

This part directed to my F:
It wasn't my fault – I was a tiny small child – you were supposed to be looking out for me, looking after me, but instead you:
* invaded my space
* touched me inappropriately
* dismissed my feelings
* treated me like an object

You didn't have any regard for me as a human being.  You met your own needs by your behaviour towards me. 

You assaulted me – you didn't have any regard for my feelings, and it isn't right how you treated me. 

You knew what you were doing.  You knew it wasn't right.  You chose a time when noone else was around, because you didn't want anyone else to see.

You told me not to tell anyone, and I followed your instructions – I was too scared to tell – because there wasn't anyone safe around me that I could tell.

This part directed to my M:
It wasn't my fault – I was a tiny small child – you were supposed to be looking out for me, looking after me, but instead you:
* spent hours combing your long dark hair before the mirror – looking at yourself and how beautiful you were
* looked with contempt on any sign of emotion – thereby shutting me down to be the quiet and controlled baby and child – to not bring you any trouble
* gave harsh glares, hard stares, threats to silence me
* never gave me chance to communicate with you in any meaningful way

But I need you both to know – that I feel like my childhood was 'taken' from me – that you kept me frozen and suspended – unable to let out any emotion for fear of upsetting you – I had to tread on egg-shells constantly and push down the tension and angst that my little body felt – the things I'd seen, and the tension I felt – constantly day in and day out – snippets of memory surface – and my body kept the score.

It wasn't my fault – I was a little child – who scanned the faces of adults to seek out the kindness in their eyes – who recognised the harshness and lack of empathy in your own.  Only I didn't see properly at the time – I didn't know any different – and I followed your rules and your instructions – because it was the only way I knew.

But I know now that you assaulted me – in various ways, and over prolonged periods of time – and I acknowledge this – here in this 'letter' - what you did – both of you – it wasn't right."

Process: I feel very spaced out and dissociated now - but it is very hot weather - so that may not have helped.  But I am going to rest now, and I'm glad I managed to write something here.  I feel sick again and nauseous. 

Previously when I've read books, I've not tried (potentially avoided)  the experiential bits - but I know it's important to 'do' them, and I've tried my best to write something.

Hope 

***Trigger warning - Book's content is about Childhood Abuse. ***

I have ordered this book, which was recommended by someone in the forum, and it's arrived today.  I have just looked at the back of the book, and it says:

"... you'll find everything you need to know about obtaining and maintaining autonomy and speeding recovery in the age of managed care.  You'll also find step-by-step guidance for dealing with adult survivors, including rationale for diagnosis, process, and sequence.@

The complete title of the book is:
"From Surviving to Thriving: A Therapist's Guide to Stage II Recovery for Survivors of Childhood Abuse" and it's published in 1999.

I am pleased to note that Phillip A Whitner, who is a Senior Staff Counsellor at the University Counselling Centre at the University of Toledo, Ohio, said
"A must read for all, including survivors... There are not enough adjectives to describe what Bratton has captured in this book...She takes a lifelong debilitating disorder and unravels its intricacies in concise, succinct, and understandable language"

The author - Mary Bratton - has a private psychotherapy practice at Harbor Behavioural Healthcare in Toledo, Ohio.  She specializes in the treatment of adult survivors of childhood trauma and abuse.  She also provides training and consultation services as Director of Intervention Resources.  She is a member of the American Psychotherapy Association and the National Association of Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counsellors, and she is a frequent speaker at professional conferences and workshops.  She is the author of numerous journal articles on various aspects of family and survivor therapy, including publications in The Counsellor, Focus, and Changes, she is also the author of "A Guide to Family Intervention" (Health Communications, inc. 1987).

Anyway, I bought the book because it was recommended by someone in the forum, and because I looked it up online and liked the 'content' description and think it will be helpful to me. 


Hope 

I am not sure if this has been posted already, but I read this very useful article today - on "How Narcissistic Parenting Affects Children" and I relate to all the things listed there.  The article is in Psychology Today and was originally posted in February 2018, it is by Karyl McBride, and a link is here:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201802/how-narcissistic-parenting-affects-children
Hope 

Just letting people know I'll be away now - but back in July - going to enjoy a holiday - looking forward to it.
Hope 

***Trigger warnings - may mention SA and other issues that may be upsetting - I'm not sure yet what I'm going to write, but want to start with a trigger warning. ***
Strangely as I thought about writing this letter, it was as if someone stabbed me in my right eye - or just above it, almost as if they don't want me to write this, or as if it's going to be too emotional - is it a body memory - I don't know.  But I'm going to write this letter - not to send - just to explain, as it felt like a revelation today and it made sense.


"When I was little - in my smallest school - I think I was just 5 years old or thereabouts - I could already sense that there were battles going on - between my NM and my teacher - the teacher being an older woman who had apparently been around at the time when children were bound if they wrote with their left-hand - and my NM did protect me by telling her that I was left-handed - and should stay that way.  Sounds like a protective and loving thing to do, doesn't it.  Like she cared about me and was looking out for me.  I thought so too - or at least part of me did.  But another part knew that things at home weren't happy - there was a lot of tension, and actually going to school was enjoyable in some ways.  Chance to be somewhere else for a while.  But even there, that teacher seemed to dislike me, in that she called me 'Little Miss Bossy Boots' - but I wonder if I had copied behaviour that my NM used to portray, and that I was perhaps mimicking her - trying to organise and control other people - trying to fit in to what I had learned by copying her. 

Then there was the Headmaster - who had put his hand up my leg and fiddled regularly with my knicker elastic - whilst I was next to his desk - I remember him doing this several times - it was something he seemed to do.  Yet why didn't I tell my M and my F about this?  Because at home, my F was already touching me in ways which wasn't right.  Also, I know that he had been at school with that Headmaster himself, and had spoken of being a gang leader who had picked on him, bullied him, and teased him, and so I guess that my little Hope thought that it wouldn't be a good idea to tell my F about what that Headmaster had done.  Anyway, maybe Little Hope just thought that was what men did.  Touch little girls in those ways.  But it didn't feel right - either of those things.

As an adult - I know it's not right, and yet I can see how difficult it was for Little Hope to have talked to anyone - because she was holding so many secrets within herself - she was small and didn't know what was right or what was wrong. 

I am feeling very distant from my writing now, so I think I'm floating away from it.  I think I'll leave it there for now, but I felt it was a link that felt important to write about today.

So I have.

Hope 

Hi everyone,
Blueberry has given me the encouragement and the idea to start up a thread called 'Creativity Thread for Inner Children' - and so it's here for us all to contribute on expressing creativity - and sharing anything that any of us want to share.

Personally I have felt that my creativity has been stifled and held back, and infact 'frozen' in time - since the age of 17 years of age - and I've tried to do the occasional thing as an adult, but have never got very far.

More recently, I bought some pinking scissors to cut out some pictures from magazines, with the idea of using them in collages, or as ideas for painting or drawing, and so far that's as far as I got - I have a collection of nice photos and pictures in a folder. 

So - I am hoping that I'll be popping back into this thread as and when I've started something, or accomplished something - and I am going to encourage my inner children to know that this thread is for them to play and enjoy and hopefully 'create' whatever they feel like creating...

Please join me, and contribute as and when you want to - and we can encourage and inspire one another.

Little Hope is already excited about this 

Here's to Creativity.

Hope 

I just wanted to write a few notes here from this book, as I related to them:
In Chapter 13 of this book, the adopted parent takes Alex (her adopted child) to see a Child Psychologist, and he says this:

Quoting from book: He talked about Alex's desperate need to be in control in a world where once she'd had no control.  Her life would have been very scary, he explained, and she had been helpless to change this.

He described how fear would drive the anger that followed all attempts we might make to take back the control.  He talked about the mountain of trust that Alex would need to build before she was comfortable with relinquishing control to us, and told us that most children had confidence in their parents' decision-making because they had been shown a million times that their parents knew best.  In Alex's case, she'd been shown the very opposite.

He went on to say "Would you hand over control to your world to someone who didn't understand it?"

In particular, I found this paragraph really helpful - as I'm trying to work on Befriending my wounded inner parts - and I think it's very pertinent to that...

The psychologist said "It isn't a pretty world," he said, "and before letting you in, Alex will require total confidence that, firstly, you can cope with what you find there, and secondly, you will know what to do with it."  He also explained that hiding her true feelings was keeping those emotions safe from assault.  "Children like Alex have had their emotions abused too often, and therefore build a protective shell around themselves.  Any 'unauthorized' attempts to penetrate their defences are fought tooth and nail. 

He went on to mention "The Primal Wound" and recommended that she read (the adoptive parent) read it.

Anyway, I really relate to what he said - and I wanted to share it.  I feel that pacing work around discovering my inner wounded parts - it needs to be done at a pace that feels safe, and my need to be 'in control' is something I can comprehend better by what he said in this book.

I do relate to the experiences of the girl (Alex) and Little Hope is keen to learn from the Child Psychologist, and is also keen to see how the adoptive mother copes with these things in the book. 

Hope