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Just putting a link here to a Trauma Conference that I've signed up for, and the list of talks - it starts on 21st September 2019, and here is the link and also the list:

https://dianepooleheller.lpages.co/attachment-and-trauma-summit-2019-ifs/

Day 1: Richard Schwartz Ph.D. - IFS and Working with Trauma
Day 2: Ronald D. Siegel, PsyD - Mindfulness in Trauma Treatment: Fitting the Practice to the Person
Day 3: Lisa Ferentz, LCSW-C DAPA - Helping Clients Heal From Sexual Trauma
Day 4: David Grand, Ph.D. -  Brainspotting - Reaching the Hidden Realm of the Brain: Bypassing the Neocortex to Access the Subcortex
Day 5: Bonnie Goldstein, Ph.D. - Helping Our Adolescent Clients Help Themselves Through the Lens of Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Engaging the Body to Overcome Trauma and Face Transitions
Day 6: Peter Levine, Ph.D. - Somatic Experiencing and Autonomic Dysregulation Syndrome
Day 7: Deb Dana, LCSW - Navigating the Nervous System: A Polyvagal Theory Guided Approach to Therapy
Day 8: Stephen Porges, Ph.D. - Demystifying the Body's Response to Trauma: A Polyvagal Perspective

It looks really good.  I've signed up and hope to manage to watch each of the talks.
Hope 

Hi Snowdrop,
Yes, it looks really interesting, and I'm just copying and pasting the list of presentations here:

Day 1: Richard Schwartz Ph.D. - IFS and Working with Trauma
Day 2: Ronald D. Siegel, PsyD - Mindfulness in Trauma Treatment: Fitting the Practice to the Person
Day 3: Lisa Ferentz, LCSW-C DAPA - Helping Clients Heal From Sexual Trauma
Day 4: David Grand, Ph.D. -  Brainspotting - Reaching the Hidden Realm of the Brain: Bypassing the Neocortex to Access the Subcortex
Day 5: Bonnie Goldstein, Ph.D. - Helping Our Adolescent Clients Help Themselves Through the Lens of Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Engaging the Body to Overcome Trauma and Face Transitions
Day 6: Peter Levine, Ph.D. - Somatic Experiencing and Autonomic Dysregulation Syndrome
Day 7: Deb Dana, LCSW - Navigating the Nervous System: A Polyvagal Theory Guided Approach to Therapy
Day 8: Stephen Porges, Ph.D. - Demystifying the Body's Response to Trauma: A Polyvagal Perspective

Hope 

Hi Sceal,
I hope that you're able to find out more about this guy, and I hope that your petition to the health department is helpful too.
Hope 

Hi Wattlebird,
I hope your session goes ok tomorrow with your T. 

Hope 

Hi SaB,
I am happy to hear that you've been accepted for that course of 12 sessions, that is great news.   
I can appreciate that you're feeling some fear about it though - I think that's understandable - I think I would feel similarly.  You mentioned the waves on the beach, and I thought that's a great analogy, but I really hope that the sway and pull of the tide will enable you to risk things and maybe untangle things, and as you said - burying them and hoping for the best is not the answer!   People put their trust in oceans sometimes, and even believe that bottles with messages will reach other continents, and I hope that whatever happens for you, with your sessions, that you'll be ok, and that you'll find it helpful.  Wishing you the best with it, and sending you a hug of support 
Hope 

Dear Blueberry,
I just wanted to send you a supportive hug    I also wanted to say that I relate to what you wrote when you said "their treatment of me has proved very bad for me over the years, including the last time I had contact with any of them.  But somehow that information is not getting through to my soul atm" - I relate to that because I also find it hard to really feel and acknowledge things, even though part of me knows they are bad.  Maybe it's the protective part of you that stops you feeling that, out of consideration for your well-being.  I don't know.  I try to make sense of it for myself, and I often can't.  I just wanted to wish you the best with all of this, and want you to know that I care, and I agree with Three Roses that you're pretty awesome. 
Hope 

Hi everyone,
I had an E-mail with a link to getting a place in the Conference on Trauma that is due to start on 21st September 2019, and it is apparently free to view for 8 days.
Speakers include: Richard Schwartz; Peter Levine; Bonnie Goldstein; Stephen Porges; Deborah Dane; Ron Seigel; Lisa Frenetz and David Grand.
I am particularly excited to hear the talks by Richard Schwartz and the one by Peter Levine.
I noticed that David Grand mentions Brainspotting (which I saw SanMagic mentioning in her post in her diary).
I am keen to hopefully watch these talks, and wanted to give a link to the Conference so anyone who wants to sign up, can do so, to access them free - starting on 21st September 2019.
Here is the link:
https://dianepooleheller.lpages.co/attachment-and-trauma-summit-2019-ifs/
Hope 

Hi Snowdrop, SaB, SanMagic. Tee and Three Roses,
Thank you all for your replies and I appreciate the hugs and your kind thoughts 
SanMagic - what you said makes sense to me, and I appreciate it - I think that whatever I read now, I am reading mainly with fresh eyes, as I have integrated more of myself and therefore approach things from a new perspective.  So I am hopeful that maybe when I re-read something, and approach the books I had attempted to read previously, that this time I will get something more from them, and I will keep growing and progressing.

I think that I have been experiencing some grief this past few days, as I realise and think about some things that have happened in my life.  But I am also able to think about some positive things that have also happened in that time - which balances it at least! 

19th September 2019
I am just taking each day as it comes, and I've just tried to write about what I'm accomplishing, but I've ended up feeling like I can't put those things into words right now, so I'll hope to come back another time, and write more.
Hope 

Welcome back MoonBeam   
Hope 

14th September 2019

***Might be Triggers in this writing, as I may mention CSA, but don't intend to write anything graphic here, but wanted to give a TW just incase:
I've been thinking for a while, and unable to commit any words to this space, but now I want to write something, because I think I've been avoiding certain things, and so I want to write myself a few notes to hopefully focus myself again - because I feel as if I'm ready to start to do more exploration and more befriending of my parts, and I feel that I've been skirting around things for a while, as I've felt unable to delve much deeper into things. 

I think I avoid the issue of whether to approach a T again - because I give the excuse of finances, but in reality, I have saved money, and I could pay for some therapy - but the truth of the matter is that I am reluctant to trust that the T would be able to help me.  My friend said she would help me to find someone that I could Skype - as she recognises the difficulty of where I live, as there is limited opportunities here for T.  I do have a T that I could see, that I've seen before, but I am not sure how much that person could help me as I didn't open up fully to her when I saw her, and she only knows certain things about me, and not all things about me.  I felt as if she didn't want to work with me on CSA - but I didn't know if that was my own fear of doing any work on CSA. 

I had been reading a book by Mary Bratton, and had started to do some experiential work on that, but that was ages ago.  I could therefore try to find that book again, and do some more work on that.
Or I could go back to the Dissociation Books that I had started reading, and take up where I left off on those.
Or I could do some work on my anger - and my feelings - I suspect that would be beneficial work, but maybe I would be better to do that via the CSA book. 
I'm not sure.

A T might be able to focus me, or work out with me where I should target my focus.  But then I suspect that if I saw my T I saw before, that she would be keen to know from me what I want - and maybe I don't know what I want.  So it feels like a difficulty.

For some reason there is part of me that wants me to tear up my old diaries - which are things I wrote by hand over the years, and part of me has an urge to just take those diaries and tear up the pages.  I am not sure why that is.  I normally like to keep things and read them back, and process and re-process them, but when I have read some of the things I wrote in those diaries, it's like it was written by someone who was just 'going through the motions' and not really 'feeling' anything.  Like a child had written those diaries, and the child was scared that they would be read.  I guess that was the case when I was a child - I remember writing just once about my sister in that diary, and then blacking out the words with a very thick black pen, so no one could see what I'd written, as I was so scared that my FOO (parents) would see what I'd written and realise that I knew the truth about our family - and that feels so ridiculous when I think of it, because I was being asked or expected to deny the existence of someone who was very much a part of our family at some time.

I'll leave it there for now, but I'm glad I was able to write these things.
Hope 

Dear Notalone,
I just wanted to offer you a hug, if that's ok. 
I also agree with what SanMagic says, about thinking that you are clever.  I don't know why, but it comes across to me that you're clever too.  I hope you don't mind my echoing that. 
Hope 

Hi Bach,
I have also found that hugging myself can be helpful - and I saw that you found hugging yourself helped you.  Plus the stress ball too.  Yours sounds very nice, the squishy kind, and I think that child selves would love that. 
Just wanted to off you a safe hug, if that is ok 
Hope 

Sorry to hear you've had a tough time Holidayay, but glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better today.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok.   
Hope 

I need to give myself credit where credit is due. I may never live a life completely free of acute anxiety. But I can also remind myself that I have more tools and more support than I ever have before. And that's something worth acknowledging and even celebrating.

Hi RecoveryRandal,
I think this is definitely something worth acknowledging and celebrating, and I'd like to celebrate it alongside you, if that's ok.   
Hope 

Hi Elpha,
You have had a lot to cope with this past few weeks, and I hope you can give yourself credit for that, because it must have been hard to adjust to so much.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope