Messages

Hi Jdog,
I'm going to send you another safe hug, and hope you and your wife are ok.     Thinking of you.
Hope 

Hi Boy22,
I think a pause is sometimes a very good thing, and I wish you the best for this moment, and hope you're ok.
Hope 

Hi Wattlebird,
I am so happy that you are reading this book - it feels like you're a companion along the journey - I appreciate you touching base here and also sending encouraging words - and I want to also wish you encouragement in return.  I think you're very sensible to pace yourself in the way you're doing - I have been trying to do the same thing - it's been quite over-whelming on occasions - infact a lot of the time, but I am really finding the content of the book to be really useful, and I relate to so much of it.  I'm on Chapter 17 at the moment.  However, that has been heavy going, and I have a few stressful appointments to attend this week - so I'm going to probably take a bit of a break from the book, and maybe pick it back up on the weekend, or even early next week - depending on how I go. 

Good to know we're both feeling that reading through and then going back and working thru each stage - is a good way - sounds positive to me.  I'm with you on that plan.  Definitely!

Hope 

Hi Deep Blue - what you said makes perfect sense, and I related very much to feeling as if I was 'torn' between my cognizant adult part - trying to take me to the Nurse to have my medical needs tended to, and my Littles who were very frightened.  Actually - I wonder if it's the fact that my Littles wanted to talk to that nurse, but there was a protector part that doesn't want them to - that makes more sense, as I felt like the Littles were 'reaching out' to the kindness that the Nurse portrayed.  I was aware of being extremely hypervigilant in the waiting room, and looking at every person's face and also wondering what the Nurse would be like - and I guess all that processing was meaning my heart-rate was racing etc.  Anyway, I am so relieved to have got through it!    to you for your lovely words too.  I always appreciate what you say.

Hi Three Roses - thank you so much - I reciprocate that hug - a warm and safe one - thank you 

*****
I have more appointments to attend tomorrow - this time I will need to be strong to accompany someone else to the GP - a different place to the one I went to yesterday - I desperately want to support this person, but I am once again wondering which parts of me will be activated during the appointment, and how I'll cope.  I am unsure.  But I will do my best - I am often better at supporting other people than I am at supporting myself - so I hope I'll be ok.  But my strength seems to be zapped a bit - I am feeling as if I need to re-charge my batteries, and they aren't working properly at the moment.  I think I need a 'new engine' - if that makes sense.  Isn't it a pity that we can't just take out the bits we need to change, and put in completely new ones - re-wired and without the memories.

But then, would life be as interesting as it can be - I don't know. 

I don't feel very in touch with my feelings just now - I feel like they're quite separate from me just now.  I am planning to have a quiet night.
Hope 

Hi Memorex,
I don't know when your Birthday is, but you said it will be soon - I hope you will be able to enjoy it - I wish you the best, and if you're able to get to that concert, then I hope you'll also enjoy that too.  But whatever you do, wishing you the best.
Hope 

  to you SanMagic, and hope your tennis guy does well.    
Hope 

Wishing you some warmth and a lovely relaxing evening.    to you, Elpha.
Hope 

I feel my feet under me.  That's a huge improvement for me.  Last week was rough, but here I am, on the other side of it.  Now I can remind myself that I can fight this demon.  I've done it before and if I need to, I can do it again 💪

to you Deep Blue
Hope 

Dear Three Roses - Sending you a very gentle hug, and hoping that your headache will stop soon, so you can have some rest.   
Hope 

Hi Blueberry,
I absolutely do this as well - you are not alone - and I don't think it's desperate either.  It is heart-warming to know we are looking out for one another and checking in.  That's what I think.
to you, Blueberry.
Hope 

Hi AncientSoul,
I relate to things you've said there - I also feel that I am 'long-winded' but the thing is that it's not such a bad thing - at least I don't think so - it is often a way to try to talk and explain things - I hope you won't be too hard on yourself for that - maybe it's an inner critic thing?  Sorry to hear you're experiencing a lot of flashback memories at the moment.  I hope very much that you'll find a place to write here in the forum, as and when you want to.

I think it's tough to hold things inside, without a way of venting and talking about things - and I think that many of us experience harsh inner and outer critics that can stop us - but honestly, my experience has been that sharing those things is helpful.

Anyway, I'm just saying that I care, AncientSoul, and I very much hope you don't feel so alone - take care.
Hope 

Hi Deep Blue & Jdog - thank you both so much   

****
Journal entry on 31st October 2018

I wanted to come here yesterday to write about what had happened over the past couple of days, but I was recovering from it still - and I realise still in a pretty big EF - but thankfully today I feel better.  So I'll just write about it - to remind myself of what happened and how I coped. 

I have a lot of anxiety around my GP - and how much I share in that situation - and so last year when my GP that I had come to trust and who knew me relatively well - as much as I could enable her to - was retiring - then it was very hard for me - brought up a lot of anxiety - and I tried to re-connect with another GP - whom I had seen a few years back - but found I couldn't - she couldn't remember me in sufficient detail to enable her to help me - and that's ok - because GP's don't see people for very long - just a few minutes at a time. 

I saw a Nurse yesterday for an appointment, and I was very anxious - although I feel sure that on the 'outside' I appeared completely calm - that is how I approach things - a mask of calmness but inside clearly I wasn't at all - and my blood pressure when she took it was sky high - when normally it is low.  I admitted to her that I was anxious, and then my little inners broke down, and I was crying infront of her - and I think I really surprised her, but she was very nice to me.

I was able to share with her that I was NC with my FOO and that I couldn't be sure of my medical history - because of how they've covered things up, and never been straight with me about anything.  So I did share that with her.  I also was able to tell her some of the medical history I was able to learn through the recent contact with my sister - although I didn't mention that my sister exists - just said I had found out some information - she reacted in a very calm way and reassured me on some things.

Anyway, I am glad that I went, although it caused me to be in an EF for the remainder of the day - and I felt such a range of feelings - and my head was in a lot of pain above the left eye - and around the eye-socket area - a bit like a migraine really - and I was shocked by how high my blood pressure had gone.

I know it was a big thing to have shared my family circumstances a little - and I am glad I did it.  The Nurse was kind and reassuring. 

Anyway, I'm taking it easy today - because I feel like it was a big ordeal to have gone through - my partner was surprised by how anxious I had become - but I've tried to explain to him - so he can understand why I felt like I did.

I feel very tearful as I write this, I guess it's feeling the sense of vulnerability again - so I'm going to have a cup of tea.

Hope 

Dear Deep Blue - I appreciate your sending some love, and I reciprocate that back to you - you are often in my thoughts too - and it sounds like it's been a busy time with your in-laws going to help your sister-in-law move house.  I don't know how often you see your in-laws, but I hope that you are doing ok with the space whilst they are away.    to you.

Dear Sceal - I also think of you often too - and I very much appreciate you popping by to say what you said - and thank you so much.  You made me think about taking a break - I have been trying to get a balance, but I do think I push myself too hard to focus on so much challenging stuff - and really - there's no race to do it - I am going to be kind to myself today and try to pace things better.  I really am thankful that you said about taking breaks.  You're very right in what you say.    to you, Sceal   

****
Journal Entry for 29th October 2018

It is nearly November.  The clock's have changed here in the UK and so it is darker in the mornings and also in the evenings.  I'm going to try to ahieve a balance today with regard to how I spend the day.  Time to rest, but also time to focus on things too - taking appropriate breaks - Sceal has reminded me of the importance of breaks, and I agree whole-heartedly.


So here's to a day of achieving balance - I'll see how I get on.


Hope 

Dear jdog - I hope your wife will recover and recuperate well, and I also wish you the best to self-care for yourself too - sending you a gentle and supportive hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

Hi SanMagic,
Just popping by and sending you a warm and loving hug, and couldn't help noticing all these lovely treats from Elpha too - glad I came by.  I know you're facing some tough stuff, so wishing you the best - take care.
Hope