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Messages - Libby183

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1
You are so right, Blueberry. It was really, really excellent.

I sat in bed, with my dog, and listened to it intently. He seemed to explain everything so rationally, that I was left with the feeling that I had been utterly understood and validated.

The link between anger and toxic shame was especially strong for me. It seemed to sum up my whole life. But it also helped me to understand my poor, late husband. I can see now that he  had so much anger and shame that he would not deal with, connected to his FOO. He didn't recognise it, and I am so sad that he didn't live longer and get the chance to heal.

This talk really helped me understand, and feel compassion, for myself, my husband, and my adult children. Perhaps even my own NM.

It was very powerful and I am so grateful to this forum for pointing me towards it.

Hugs to you all.

2
Therapy / Re: Emdr not clinically indicated for cptsd?
« on: January 03, 2020, 01:23:13 PM »
Hi, Eyessoblue. Like San Magic, I hope you get more therapy with the therapist who you feel most confident in.

I remember we talked a lot about EMDR in the past. I didn't feel it had helped me at the time, but now I can look back, I am starting to believe that the treatment itself did have an positive effect. I didn't trust the therapist fully, especially as she was so definite that I needed to forgive my parents. But I do think that the EMDR set me on a path to healing. It was gradual, and mixed with the trauma of my husbands illness and death. But something changed. I stood up to my parents, gained much more self belief and so much better self esteem. I wonder if emdr finally shifted my terrible fear of them, that was instilled, I suspect, from birth.

Interestingly, a psychiatrist I saw earlier in the year was shocked that I had had emdr. It's all very complicated, isn't it?

Libby xxx

3
General Discussion / Re: Hello, again
« on: December 29, 2019, 03:09:48 PM »
Thank you Eyessoblue, Not alone and Kizzie, for welcoming me back.

Eyessoblue - it was finding your message, which I hadn't seen before, that prompted me to say hello again. Many thanks to you.

It's so nice to know that people are still here, helping each other through this trauma.

I really think that while I have been dealing with my husband's illness and death, I have finally been implementing all of the strategies I have learnt here. Things like self acceptance, self care, becoming less reactive and less overwhelmed, trusting my instincts, liking myself more, and probably lots more. It's been an absolute revelation. My greatest sadness is that my DH never got chance to deal with his own issues (and possible CPTSD).  I think we triggered each other a lot.

Anyway, looking forward to catching up with you all.

All the best,

Libby.

4
General Discussion / Re: Hello, again
« on: December 26, 2019, 02:32:00 PM »
Thank you so much for your reply, Hope.
So pleased that you remembered me. It was exactly a year ago that my  world started to fall apart. But somehow, I have come out the other side.

Will certainly be catching up with how you are doing, and I wish you nothing but the best for next year.

Love Libby x

5
General Discussion / Re: Becoming less reactive
« on: December 26, 2019, 10:38:51 AM »
Hi Rainagain. It's so good to catch up with you after so many months.

It was incredibly interesting to read your initial post, and previous replies.

Since I was last here, I have made huge progress overall, and becoming less reactive is a huge part of my recovery.
I am not depressed, but don't over react either. It sounds as if you are making progress, but still have a small voice of self doubt.

I wish I could be definite about what has led to these changes in me. I think it must be a combination of EMDR and therapy dealing with the childhood trauma and EFs, a low dose antipsychotic to calm my nervous system and help me to sleep, no contact with my FOO and very low contact with my in-laws.
Being widowed a few months ago should have been very traumatic, but I have coped so well. I think I was being constantly triggered by my husband. He was a good man, but had so much anger, probably from his own family.

I don't know if any of this helps, Rainagain. Just wanted to say that I get what you are saying. Embrace this reduction in reactivity. It feels like a really positive thing.

6
General Discussion / Re: It does get better!
« on: December 26, 2019, 10:13:32 AM »
Hello again, Blueberry.

I've not been here for a long time, but I am so happy for you that you are feeling so positive. I absolutely get that happiness at finally feeling you belong, when you have spent your whole life as an outsider in your own family. We all know the terrible damage that can do.

I am about eight years no contact with my FOO, and not really in contact with my in laws, since I was widowed a couple of months ago. This Christmas has been just right!!

You are so right. It really does get better!!

7
Christmas & New Years / Re: First No Contact Christmas
« on: December 26, 2019, 10:02:47 AM »
Just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are feeling so lonely. It's so very hard to go no contact, and lose your whole family. That happened to me.
The best advice I received, was to sit with, and accept the loneliness. To grieve your loss. Then to care for yourself, in any way you can, however small.
It took me a good while to really "get" this, but I just want to reassure you that it really does get better.
Take care of yourself, because you really do matter.

8
General Discussion / Hello, again
« on: December 21, 2019, 09:51:59 AM »
I don't know if anyone will remember me, as I haven't been here for some time. But even if no one does remember me, I wanted to share how far I have come in healing from the damage done by a dysfunctional FOO.

It's such a long story that I won't go into it now. This year has been horrendous but I am ending it in a hopeful place.

I don't know exactly what led me to this place. Lots and lots of different elements, which I would like to share.
But they have all led to greater self acceptance. I think that's the key.

My husband died of a brain tumour two months ago. It was tragic and his release from suffering was a relief. I have suffered so much, but coped and actually see a future for myself. I think this is a sign of healing. I don't, for one minute, see myself as fully healed, but have made huge progress.

OOTS has really helped me, and I hope I can pass on some of the elements that have helped me on my journey.

Thank you for listening.

Libby.

9
Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: May 09, 2019, 07:09:30 AM »
So pleased that you are back home, having found your in patient stay to be a positive experience.

Libby.

10
General Discussion / Re: Talking to others with childlike humor
« on: March 26, 2019, 08:41:48 AM »
I am just the same, Patticake!

Since deciding to divorce me, my husband has said that he found me embarrassing because of this. I was very upset, but when I talked about it to the people who have been supporting me, both professionals and friends, they have said that they don't see this as something to be ashamed of. It has been quite a revelation.

I think my recent traumas have led me to calm down a little, much like you talk about. So my feeling is that you are finding a happy medium, and that most people will respond very positively to you.

Lovely to meet you here for the first time.

Libby

11
Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: March 26, 2019, 08:27:11 AM »
Hoping very much that things are continuing to improve for you. So pleased that you got things sorted with the police. That must have been scary.

I relate completely to your need for sleep. I was only getting about two hours sleep, night after night since this all happened. I begged the GP for medication to no avail. I have never found anti-depressants to be of much use, but I was prescribed quetiapine in hospital and find that I sleep for about seven hours, and it stabilises my mood somewhat. Not suggesting that this is necessarily for you, but I am surprised how much it has helped me.

So pleased to hear that you feel you are through the worst of it. I think I am as well. Hoping we can both stay strong, and that things continue to get better.

Take care.

Libby

12
Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: March 25, 2019, 08:29:17 AM »
Dear Wattlebird, I have been finding it hard to post here since my own divorce trauma started, but I really wanted to say how much I feel for you and understand how traumatic this whole process is. Like you, I was so floored by the whole thing that I spent a bit over two weeks in a mental health unit. I had to go back to the family home afterwards, and my stbxH never asked how I was. In the middle of all the trauma, I broke my arm, and neither my husband nor sons would take me to the hospital, or help me. My sons ceased any relationship with me as soon as he announced the divorce, and my relationship with my daughter is very strained.

I don't want to go on about my problems but I wanted to tell you how much I relate, and feel for you. I guess that the next trauma to be dealt with, will be him finding someone else. It was him who wanted a divorce so I think that is inevitable.

I am so sorry to hear what a terrible time you are having. I can't really offer many positive words. It is such a horrid situation, but I wanted to give you my love and support.

Take care.

Libby.

13
Oh, Eyesofblue. I am so sorry about the awful situation you describe. I haven't posted for a long time but wanted to say that I feel for you and support you.

As you know, my marriage has ended in an absolute nightmare. And like you, the children have got involved. Basically, there is no family anymore, and I am starting to deal with the prospect of life on my own.

Any time you want to talk, I am here for you. I know how hard it is, to feel so worthless and defeated, when you have given so much.

Take care.

Libby

14
Therapy / Re: Back in therapy, canít stop crying.
« on: February 06, 2019, 08:38:17 AM »
Hi, again, Eyessoblue.

I'm really sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time atm.

I have never been able to cry, but for the last couple of weeks, that's about all I have done. I think you are probably right on both counts. General grief and grief for the inner child, who has suffered so much and for so long.

I think I know exactly what you (and your therapist) mean about letting go of the PTSD, and about how scary it is. The end of my marriage has put me in a similar position. Part of me knows that, in theory, I could move on now, but do I want to? I don't know because it feels so strange and frightening. I don't have a therapist but people I know are telling me that it's my time etc. All the things that your therapist is telling you.

I don't have answers but I think I am in a very similar frame of mind. I hope that this is an important stage in the process of healing, for both of us, and that things get better.

Love to you, Eyessoblue, and keep going forward.

Libby.

15
General Discussion / Re: Ups and downs.
« on: January 31, 2019, 03:33:57 PM »
Thanks for the virtual hug, SharpAndBlunt.  Very much appreciated.

I am making a bit of progress, in that, I am staying with my daughter and I have been spending my days killing time in the
city where she lives. I would not have done this in the past as I would have been too anxious and would have thought I should have been doing something useful at home. A small victory, but a victory nonetheless.

Sadly, I will have to go home at the weekend. I'll be thrilled to see my dog but terrified to see husband and sons. The shame is so deep. For me, the inner critic is the worst part of CPTSD.

Take care.

Libby.

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