Messages

Such an important issue, I think, Rainy. You talk about how your principal is, in effect, telling you how you should or shouldn't feel, and how it is bugging you.

I can absolutely relate to that, as my husband did it repeatedly. It seems to tie in with your recent comments about the usefulness or otherwise, of CBT.

I wonder if CBT is OK for dealing with low level situations, for example, if someone who normally says hello to you, fails to do so, it might not be a snub. They didn't see you, or were preoccupied etc. But in more involved relationships, it seems invalidating, doesn't it?

My husband told me that I shouldn't be upset by his parents treatment of me. Maybe I wasn't right about their motivations, but it didn't mean that I didn't feel that way.

I hope that you can come up with a strategy to cope with your principal, and feel sure that you will find an effective way forward. Knowing what you are dealing with is the main thing, so you are well on the way.

So pleased that you are feeling a bit better, Armee. Those constant thoughts, followed by talking yourself out of those thoughts is just so exhausting.

Wishing you all the best. Libby.

Hi Rainy Diary.

Those messages seem so universal, don't they? Not good enough, and never doing anything right.  The soundtrack to our lives. I hope that things get sorted with your job.

I thought that the discussion around finding a partner with a similar level of pain was very interesting. I truly believe that my late husband was, if not as damaged as me, was certainly carrying a lot of pain. But he absolutely couldn't admit it. If he had, maybe we could have grown together, but I think he chose me because of my pain, so that he did not have to face his own pain.

It does sound as if there is a good basis for your marriage and I hope that things continue to move in good directions.

Hoping your cat is doing well. My dog is in great form at the moment, but I still tend to worry about her an awful lot!!

Thank you all so much for wishing me the best for my birthday. Such lovely, kind and thoughtful words. It meant a lot.

It was OK really. A long walk with my dog, followed by watching a tremendous thunderstorm. It sort of matched my mood, really! And my elderly friend bought me a nice chocolate birthday cake!

I had a card from my sister, and a telephone call from my father. I think he is starting to understand the dynamics of intergenerational trauma. In the past, it was misinterpreted or downright denied. But now that my daughter has gone no contact, I think he is starting to accept things. He asked about her, as they used to be very close, and I explained as much as I could, with no blame directed at my mother.

Part of me thinks that he will probably draw back, but I am not dependent on my parents any more, so I am pleased that I managed to say my piece. What they do with it is up to them!

So, apart from being so very, very tired, I am pleased that I weathered another birthday. I am definitely getting so much better at accepting myself, treating myself better, and not feeling so guilty about existing. Great progress.

And I got myself a new pair of sandals, which I wore in the house, just because I could. Thank you, beekeeper, for suggesting I do something just for me!

That is really great news, alliematt. I can really relate to how positive this development is to your mental health.

I live with my son, who is mid twenties and on the autistic spectrum. About two months ago, he got a job in a small company that grows food. It has turned out to be a perfect job for him, and he has matured so much.

Wishing you and your son all the best in this new job.

Hi Hope.

I've been very interested in your thoughts about shame. It really is such a core feeling, isn't it? It is probably one of the main things that has controlled my entire life. I wonder if you feel the same.

I have an elderly female friend who also has, we suspect, cptsd. She passed on the book called Healing the Shame that Binds You. I don't think it's a particularly good, or well thought of book, but it helped both of us see how much of a role shame plays in our lives.

Oh, Beekeeper. Your kind words mean so much. Reading them really started me thinking that, despite my anxiety and depression, I did do the best I could for them. Having three children of two and under, including twins with developmental challenges, was tough. I think any one would struggle.

Your words, leading to a bit more self compassion, has really helped. It doesn't change the situation, but makes me feel more accepting. So that's good.

I made a lovely pair of summer trousers yesterday, and inspired by the craft thread on this site, I am working on a tapestry. I had forgotten how therapeutic  I find this, as I can pick it up any time I feel anxious. In the evenings, it helps me focus on TV programmes. So all good.

Sadly, it is my birthday tomorrow. It's something I just want to be over.

Welcome to OOTS. So pleased that you felt able to post for the first time.

I was intrigued by your reference to being the identified patient. I'm not sure if I have heard this term before, but it seems familiar.

I was definitely the scapegoat in my FOO, but have been wondering about my role in my own family. I have often felt like I was carrying all of their pain, for them. So that they, particularly my husband, could continue to function, despite unfaced issues.  I don't know if this is the same, but it was something that struck me when I read your post.

Hoping to hear more from you, if and when you are ready.

Thank you so much Hope, Armee and San magic. Your support really does help me carry on despite the upset of the situation with my daughter. I do feel that I am gradually coming to  a place of acceptance. Understanding her situation, with compassion, but not taking all of the blame and guilt for how things have turned out.

You are so right, san magic. So many parallels in our families, and a family dynamic is created by both parents. I don't see how it can be anything other than that. Especially as my husband was a very strong personality, to say the least. When he was ill, my daughter knew how difficult he was to care for, and wasn't involved on any practical level. She supported him with phone calls. Then a year and a half later, decides that I didn't do a good enough job. I don't think anyone could do a perfect job in such a difficult situation, with such an awful diagnosis.

I am doing so much better at being kind to myself. It really is still such a novelty! I have had to deal with difficult situations with both my autistic son, and my elderly friend. Each tried to take out frustrations on me, at separate times. I felt myself go straight back to childhood, and being blamed for my mothers' problems and emotions. Each situation was different, but I coped well. I knew what was happening, and dealt with it, without the awful EF feelings.  With my son, I will calmly change something that clearly triggers him.

It's all progress, isn't it?  And it's the support and ideas on this forum, that help us keep moving forward.

The heat wave here has come to an end. I suspect you will be relieved, Hope. I know you aren't good in exceptional heat. So I am back to long walks with my dog, and continuing with my decorating project.

Hugs to everyone here!

So pleased that you found this older post, Beekeeper. It really made sense to me, as did your response. Getting past the acute cptsd anxiety and panic definitely leaves room for other feelings, and I think that your identification of grief and loss seems very familiar.

That seems to be very much where I am at the moment. In the midst of CPTSD, it's all threat and coping, usually badly, with the threat and the stress.

Now that I am the other side, so to speak, it is definitely more of a depression, and a grief and sadness at what could have been my life, if it wasn't for trauma and cptsd. And, of course, grief for the pain of my children.

I agree also with James, that the depression is easier to cope with than the full blown cptsd. I would never have got to this place without the complete change in my life, as a result of my husband's death. I will never trust people and am depressed by a lot of aspects of human nature. But it is a an easier way to live. And I am finding peace in this life, that I never had in my previous life.

I suppose it is a life long process, and we have come a long way already.

Still feeling like I am doing pretty well.

I think one of the main positive changes is that I am now able to make a decision and stick with it. Not berate myself that any decision I take must be the wrong one, because I made it, and I am inherently wrong, regardless of the situation.

This personality trait can be absolutely linked to my n mother. I was never really allowed to make a choice as a child, and as an adult, I would make decisions which would be immediately criticised by my mother. I could never be right, was never validated, and I carried on the job of going against me, myself. No wonder I was paralysed about everything.

But this then leads me to my daughter.

I knew on some level about the damage my mother did to me, and I was always so careful to validate all of my daughter's feelings and choices. So how did things go so badly wrong with her? Did I go too far along this path? Probably.

My husband never seemed to admit he was wrong or even doubtful in his decisions. He never, ever said the word sorry.

So, it does leave me questioning whether my daughter is showing narcissistic traits.
I don't mean this to be disrespectful of her. She is a product of her upbringing. But I did start to query this a bit, during the horrendously stressful times of husband's illness. He gave her lots of cash, which she has no need for, and was exceptionally angry when I suggested she give it back, because it was needed to pay the mortgage and the household bills. She was very ungracious, threw it at me and left. Despite my lifetime of issues, I would never have kept money I didn't need, when it was needed elsewhere. I would have felt too guilty and ashamed.

The house that needed to be paid for during husbands illness was then sold so that my children got their share of his estate. I had to move out. Daughter has now bought her own house with her inheritance, and cut me from her life pretty much at the same time. I never once complained about selling the house and moving, and actually spent a lot of time and money and effort getting it sold. And never had any kind of acknowledgement.

I know that we are a perfect example to intergenerational trauma, but I do feel upset that I have had to face up to things, but my mother and daughter can carry on regardless. It feels very lonely.

Am I a really bad person for feeling like this? Probably yes, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Having said all that, I am coping with life pretty well. Actually enjoying things, communicating and socialising a bit, achieving things. All good.

So I suppose that I worry that my daughter will get stuck where she is, just as my mother is stuck. It's such a shame, but there is little I can do. The fact that my daughter cut me from her life really makes me believe that she is suffering. Whereas before her dad's death, she seemed OK.

I have accepted how things are, and will likely remain. Sad, but nearly inevitable.

I hope its OK to ponder these ideas here. I wouldn't voice them in real life.

Hugs to everyone for their support.

So good to have you back again, Hope.
We shared a lot of family of origin issues when we talked previously, and I'm sorry that things aren't much improved for you.

It's such a hard journey, isn't it? But at least we are here for each other.

Thank you all for your support.

I've been keeping up with you all, but have felt so tired. Again, not depressed exactly, but something a bit different. Not quite sure really. But that's often a difficult thing for us, isn't it?!

My father phoned recently and, probably for the first time ever, accepted the idea of intergenerational trauma. He took on board that my mother affected me, and in turn, I have passed the damage on to my daughter. It's not much, but something of a breakthrough. It's hard to imagine that my mother accepts any of this, but who knows.

My sister hasn't responded to my email, other than with a picture of her dog, and a promise to respond. But again, that could be viewed as positive. We shall see.

I am just so tired. So tired of people. I am relieved to have cut my last link with late husband's family. I know that it's self protection, through isolating myself, but I just don't see any positives in being linked to them.

I didn't intend to go to father in laws funeral and my son has decided not to go. Although I did say I would drive him. I feel so sad for him that his twin cut him out of his life completely. It would be awkward if they met again at the funeral.

I don't think it's just a defence against my pain, but my estranged son was a tiny, preterm, male twin, who cheated death a couple of times, wasn't expected to talk and displayed all sorts of difficulties from day one. Many, many risk factors, before you add in a mother with cptsd, a distant father, with issues of his own, a fully autistic twin brother, a dismissive sister and uninterested grandparents. I can see that I am just a part of his picture, whereas previously, I felt I was completely to blame for everything. I think that husband blamed me, and rejected this son, but I am the one left to blame.

I have been achieving a lot, however, despite my fatigue. I have made great progress with my home decorating, sorting out financial issues to make things easier for my sons future, walking my dog, making clothes. I even spent a nice few hours with the neighbour who had previously "stood me up!" Today, I am going to the shops for sewing supplies. If I just speak to one person, besides my son, I feel that's enough at the moment.

Coming here is so good for safe connection as well. Thank you all!

Jazzy. I have only just caught up with your journal, after several days away. You seem to be dealing with a lot of new things. I hope you are doing OK.

Take care, Libby.

So pleased for you, notalone. What a great achievement!