16

General Discussion / Re: Ups and downs.

« on: January 31, 2019, 09:37:28 AM »

Thanks Hope. This is going to be one of the most major challenges of my life. Starting it with a broken wrist was not a great idea!

Hoping things are going well for you.

Libby

17

General Discussion / Re: Ups and downs.

« on: January 30, 2019, 07:17:30 PM »

Thanks, Lily. I shall try to remind myself that bad things don't last forever. Am feeling a bit better atm.

18

Recovery Journals / Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment

« on: January 29, 2019, 02:59:12 PM »

That big virtual hug is truly appreciated. I am staying with my daughter, and she is helping me, when she isn't at work.  I have left my dog with my stbxH and sons. Didn't have a choice but am missing her so much.

It's so hard to stay positive but these positive interactions really do help.

Take care.

19

Recovery Journals / Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment

« on: January 29, 2019, 12:37:59 PM »

Hi Sharpandblunt.

I understand everything you say. I often seem to find myself in situations like these. A few months ago, my dog was attacked by another dog, but we were blamed. It was very traumatic and triggering. I am sure you are right to link it back to childhood, where we were always to blame. It must be why we find it so hard to get over things.

I know it is easier said than done, but I can't see that you did anything wrong at all. I don't know, but I suspect most people can get over these threat situations quickly. But I feel for you and understand.

I don't think you behaved wrongly in any way and I hope you can look after yourself. I avoid social media (except for here). It seems as if it is difficult to navigate without emotion.

Take care of yourself.

Libby.

20

General Discussion / Re: Ups and downs.

« on: January 29, 2019, 12:25:57 PM »

Thanks Blueberry.

It's the struggle with the shame, guilt and self-loathing that I am finding so difficult. I am taking all of the blame and torturing myself with how I should have been. The problem is that I was brought up to be this way. I feel so confused.

Thank you so much for responding.

Libby.

21

General Discussion / Ups and downs.

« on: January 28, 2019, 10:02:29 AM »

I would say that this has been the most awful month of my life. But then I remind myself that I have had many awful months so it probably just feels like that.

I have had to accept that my husband hasn't loved or cared for me for a long time. The root of this is clearly my cptsd, but his own issues must have played a part. I am trying not to take all of the blame, especially as all the things that stressed me, and pushed me over the edge, like having children and moving home, were things we did together. Is that reasonable, I wonder.

Actually, I am beginning to see how his disgust at me has been making me worse for a long time. I have to accept, as well, that there is no relationship to be saved between me and my autistic son. I have to tell myself that he just doesn't have it in him, and even though it isn't his fault, I cannot cope with the rejection.

On the other hand, I have found that I do  have some people who care and support me. They have stepped up, so to speak, because I have allowed myself to be vulnerable to them. I have been hugged more in the last few weeks, than in my entire childhood. Not difficult, as I was never hugged as a child.

To round everything off, I have broken my wrist and feel so vulnerable because every tiny thing is so difficult. Trying to tell myself that if I get through this, I can get through anything. Sometimes I believe it, mostly I don't. Perhaps the balance will shift.  It doesn't help that, atm, I just can't picture a future.

Anyway, just thought I would get this out of my system.

Thanks for listening.

Libby.

22

Letters of Recovery / Re: To: Lady S (Eating Disorder support lady)

« on: January 28, 2019, 09:38:19 AM »

You are not awful and disgusting. That is absolutely not true.

I don't know, but it sounds as if your therapist is just looking at your eating disorder in isolation. I think that I have always been fearful of food, but it is a just a part of a much bigger picture. Is your therapist aware of this bigger picture?

I really feel for you. It's so hard for us to trust and it feels like your therapist needs to understand a bit more about cptsd and to work at gaining your trust.

I'm rooting for you.

Libby.

23

Letters of Recovery / Re: A Letter to my Younger Self

« on: January 28, 2019, 09:28:05 AM »

I don't really know what to say other than this is a really powerful letter. I related very strongly to absolutely everything you said, especially as I had just read your introductory post.

I wasn't sexually abused, just physically and emotionally abused. I suspect it started from the day of my birth. My hatred of myself is so deep and I am only just beginning to realise this.

I suppose that the question is, where do people go when they reach this point. I am basically alone now so perhaps I will start caring for myself.

All the best on your journey. I think that the bravery in your letter, and the honesty may be a good place to start.

Libby.

24

General Discussion / Re: It's time for me try medication.

« on: January 28, 2019, 09:18:01 AM »

So pleased that you are feeling some improvement with the citalopram. It seems like a really good sign.

Take care.

Libby.

25

Introductory Post / Re: An Introduction

« on: January 28, 2019, 09:13:55 AM »

Welcome to OOTS,DandelionCrown.

What a very sad and traumatic time you have had. You have done so well to survive, care for your brother and still feel you have aspirations.

I really related to your mention of being a good housewife in training. That's all that was ever expected of me too. We can be so much more than that, if we can find our way through.

This is a caring and helpful site and I feel sure that you will find support here as you go forward with your recovery.

Libby

26

Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal

« on: January 25, 2019, 09:07:24 AM »

Dear Wattlebird, your description of your family sounds so familiar. I know that my mother could not bear to touch me, except when she beat me. She seems to know what she did, but could never grasp that it could possibly have done me any harm. For her, that's just what all parents do.
I hope you are doing OK.

All the best.

Libby.

27

Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal

« on: January 21, 2019, 04:35:22 PM »

Thinking of you, Wattlebird. I am suffering from severe lack of sleep. No sleep at all last night. So tired.
I hope you find something to break this cycle.

Take care.

Libby.

28

Sleep Issues / Re: Sleep pattern changes

« on: January 20, 2019, 08:38:25 AM »

Hi, Rainagain.

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with sleep. Goodness, do I know that feeling.

I have never slept at all well, right back as far as I can remember. Knowing what I know now, I can see it was because I was hyperalert and terrified of my mother, especially as she took my insomnia as a threat to her, and punished me for it.  Guess it all stems from lack of attachment.

Sleep was improving a bit until the divorce bombshell. I go to bed at ten, read, go to sleep, and am wide awake between midnight and two. Awake for hours, might possibly drop off again briefly, but that's when I have the awful dreams.

When awake in the night, I just keep startling. I have a thought, then my mind and body jump and I have to go through the breathing routine over and again.

Everything you say about isolation and not belonging ring so true to me. I find it hard to see a path through this.

Always keen to hear how you are getting on. Hope the dogs are well. Mine was poorly earlier in the week. She suffers from stress. But is better now.

Take care.

Libby.

29

General Discussion / Re: Trying to get a proper diagnosis

« on: January 19, 2019, 09:00:14 PM »

Like Eyesofblue, I was treated as having PTSD. I'm not sure that this was an appropriate approach. I do hope we can help get the message out there and that the official stuff would follow.

30

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

« on: January 19, 2019, 08:56:14 PM »

Ooh, Hope. I am so happy that you have started a job. Really impressed, in fact. I think that your partner is absolutely right to encourage you to step back a bit. I know I had the tendency to try too hard and it's not healthy in the long run. You are doing so well.

I hope that I might work again when the divorce is settled and I know where I am. I think I will try cleaning. I have cleaned a restaurant in the past and quite enjoyed working in the morning, on my own. I am much wiser about myself now, so hopefully I will cope better.

All the best, Hope. I hope to keep up with your journal a bit more, now that I am a bit less all over the place!

Libby.