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I had completely forgotten that I used to do cross stitch, Rainy Diary. It was very enjoyable. I don't think my eyesight would make it possible now, but I also enjoyed tapestry, so think I might try that again.

The mountain scene sounds lovely.

Hi everyone.

Just wanted to join in, as I am another "sewist." I pretty much make all of my clothes.

I hear you, bluepalm. I was never allowed nice clothes as a child or teenager, and carried on wearing the same rubbish clothes for years, even after leaving home. Definitely believed I had no right to be nicely dressed, or even comfortable.

My m always wanted to truss me up in tight jeans and I used to get terrible abdominal pains.

Now my clothes are soft and comfortable. I don't go out much either, so I wear my nice clothes to walk my dog!

It has been a real struggle to convince myself that I deserve nice clothes but it's definitely a great example of self care, for all of us here.

Thanks for starting this thread.

Everything you said about reciprocity in relationships is spot on, I think. Like you said, it's hard to ask for what you need, when you were told repeatedly that you didn't deserve anything. Then you become so reliant on those closest to you, but they are often not willing or able to give you what you want or need. Certainly, that's where I ended up.

I hope that things start to resolve for you, as you see more clearly what you both need and deserve. You are clearly a kind and deserving person.

Thank you so much, Rainy Diary.

Both MY BIL and SIL phoned me yesterday and we chatted. Everything was fine. Will wait and see how things pan out. Feeling very accepting of everything, so that's positive, at least.

Despite really awful weather, and getting soaked from head to toe by a large lorry and a large puddle, I seem to be doing quite well.

I had a nice, and quite busy weekend, which even included some social activities. So much so, that I felt up to starting my next decorating project in my new house. Quite a big one, but I made some definite progress and felt good about my achievement.

I was approached by my neighbour who let me down, and she suggested that we meet up later in the week. As I was feeling stronger, I actually agreed. Will see how it goes.

Sadly, we heard today that my FIL passed away. I think that my son, who I live with, is concerned about issues around the funeral, with regard to his sister and brother. He is autistic and very anxious, so his reaction is as would be expected. I am concerned too, although I wouldn't imagine that I would go to the funeral. I think that FIL passing will be a difficult time for my children, coming so soon after losing their dad.

Thank you so much, Armadillo. I think I am doing quite well really. I've been out with my son, took my dog for a walk in the rain, and had a nice, positive chat with a neighbour.

I am at peace with the idea of not having contact with my in laws. I think I am generally learning acceptance and this might help my feelings about the situation with my D.

I think it is going to be alright and just hope and pray that my D comes through her sadness. She has had a very full and positive life so far, so if she can deal with her grief, then maybe she will come back into my life.

Thank you again for your support.

Thanks everyone for your support. I have had a difficult few days, and today has been my first chance to catch up with everyones journals. It never ceased to amaze me how we are all dealing with such similar issues, despite living very different lives, at different ages and stages, in different countries.

But we come together here and feel truly understood.

....

It's been a difficult few days but I seem to have come out of a deep depression, with some extra understanding and positivity.

I was so physically and mentally exhausted that I could barely move, but I am sleeping a little better and definitely feeling more lively. I didn't push through, just sat and accepted, and it is OK for now, I think.

A situation I knew was coming, and would be difficult, has indeed come to a head. My father in law is in the last few days of life. He is ninety and in poor health, so it was inevitable, and I thought it would raise issues, given its less than two years since his son, my late husband died.

I have really only kept in touch with my sister in law. Wife of husbands brother. As this brother said at the start of his address at my H funeral, they were "not a close family." SIL and I just texted about our lives, our pets, the pandemic, a couple of times a week. We live a good distance apart. I had shared about my D cutting me off.

Then out of the blue, she texted that she can't do this any more and needs to be there for her husband, re his dad, so I replied that I understood, and to take good care of them both. She read the message and appears to have blocked me.

I don't really understand what happened, although her husband phoned a couple of days later to update my son and I on poorly FIL. It's unusual for me to speak to him, but it was fine.

My thoughts are that it might be best for me to let go of my last bit of contact with my in laws. FIL refused to attend our marriage as it wasn't in a church with a big party afterwards. I never developed any relationship with him, but was always polite, and actually initiated most of the contact with in laws, so that my children knew their family. FIL and my H were very similar, I think.

My feelings are that my in laws are my estranged childrens family. They are the only family they have. They weren't close to them, but I think they are in touch more since they became estranged from me. So I think I should step aside, partly for them, and, I admit, for self protective reasons. I won't risk hearing about my children, through in laws.

And, of course, I feel incredibly guilty and ashamed of this feeling. But then, it was SIL who, for whatever reason, cut contact.

My life seems to involve going round and round in my thoughts. Basically, not trusting myself.

As it is, I am just sort of putting it all aside for now. I don't think I need to do anything, except support my son who I live with, as he is losing his grandad.

Hello Jazzy.

Just wanted to say hello after catching up with your journal, after a few days.

I love the way that you are so focused on, and involved with your healing process. Whether it's dealing with your pain and posture, your diet, your cat, your neighbours. I really take a great lesson from your approach, and am managing to put it into practice in my own life. It's definitely working, and I thank you so much for that.

You're inspiring!

Hi Armadillo.

Having just caught up with your journal, I wanted to say say how sad I am to read about all you suffered as a child, and how this is impacting on you today, as you deal with the situation with your mother.

I am with you, in spirit, all of the way.

I think almost all of us here have experienced the pain in our families of origin around food. I know I certainly did. And the tendency for our difficult /abusive family members to focus so much on neighbours etc. My in laws were big on this. And the body dysmorhia. Another strong feature for me too. Such strong patterns everywhere.

I still think you are doing exceptionally well in coping with one of the most difficult and traumatic parts of life. As I know, it's all a no win situation, so we have to do what's best for us.

Hi Jazzy.

I like my electric blue name with the dark outline. It stands out beautifully on my phone screen, and despite glasses, my eyesight isn't great.

Loved the picture of Tiger. I have my beloved dog. In fact, that's where I got my forum name from. She is very scared of cats, but does well when we visit our friend who has three cats. My dog is a rescue and I suspect that she has had trauma in her life.

So interesting to see your thoughts about the lack of a word for not being in pain. These days I am aware that I am not in physical pain, but I think that is because I am in so much emotional pain. Before, the emotional pain was kept under cover by the physical pain. For all of us here, the body really does keep the score. I hope that things get sorted so that you can get treatment for your skeletal pain. You deserve to be pain free at long last.

I think that you are spot on about the effect of stress. It is all encompassing and completely debilitating. So many layers of stress, often from the start of life, that we don't have the resources to cope with. How can anyone deny the existence of CPTSD? It's so clear in all of our life histories.

Hugs to you, Jazzy. Talking to you is helping me get through my days.

It's good to hear that you had such a good experience at your medical appointment. The respectful attitude should just be good practice, but is ofter sadly lacking. Other people may not notice or care, but for people like us, I think that a little means so much.

I'm pleased that things went smoothly.

Dear Blueberry.

So much for you to deal with, and I have no advice, but you are doing so well to just keep going.

I know that feeling. I am mid fifties and feeling about 85 as well.

Take care, Libby.

Thank you so much for your encouragement, Jazzy. I am holding on to the hope that things will get easier as time goes on. I don't know that I believe it just yet, so it helps that you remind me.


....

Even though I have been on a healing journey for many years, and have made a lot of progress, I feel like this is going to be the most momentous and difficult period.

At least I have things to keep me occupied today. Dog walking, dental appointment to repair broken tooth, my cleaning job, which isn't really a job, as its for a friend, and then my son, and dog and I have tea with this friend.

I am otherwise very desperate to isolate, but this friend has become a sort of surrogate father to me, and I actually don't want to isolate from him, or my son, so that must be a good thing.

The other aspect that makes me think that I am making progress is that the depression I am feeling now, is different to the depression I've had for the rest of my life. I am not in nearly as much physical pain, and I am managing to carry on with my life. I am just experiencing so much emotion, which I have not really had before. Guessing that's what is so exhausting.

Hi Jazzy.

It was great to see a photo of you, complete with new haircut. Excellent haircut, and just so  nice to put a face to a name.

It's a bit of a coincidence that we have had a similar neighbour issue. I think that we have both handled the rejection by a neighbour exceptionally well. Good on both of us for just carrying on as usual. Not being ashamed or hiding.

Libby.

Notalone.

I am so sorry to read how difficult a time you are having with regards to your husband. I really do feel your pain, but am so pleased that you were able to go to church and to a picnic. When you are so  lonely at home, any connection is so comforting, isn't it?

I hope that you can work through this terribly difficult part of your life. I am with you in spirit.