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Messages - jamesG.1

#31
General Discussion / Re: Unreal
November 19, 2021, 08:09:42 PM
I should make it clear, I think, that I've actually done nothing, this is just a very surreal and ghastly one in a billion twist. Sadly, it's in my story.

It will inevitably be used against me, if it's confirmed. Which it might not. The attack won't make any sense but it it will be designed to inflict as much damage as possible and will be deeply personal and broadcast far and wide.

I'm not either suprised or shocked by that sort of thing now, tho I was before. You just don't expect fighting that dirty within your own circle. I don't know why I didn't, I witnessed it endlessly, it just took me a very long time to realise how abnormal and wrong it was, sadly too late to protect the people it destroyed.

Well, not this time.

I have time to prepare and I have my support network in place.

It can only get to you IF you let it.

#32
General Discussion / Re: Unreal
November 19, 2021, 08:02:37 PM
Thanks all... appreciated. Truly.

This is a real odd one, a grenade rolling around on a heaving deck. It's either gonna go off or it isn't. My real enemies don't know it is even happening yet I suspect.

I have a choice, I either let it swamp me or I don't. Right now I have some grace while I wait for what may be horrendous confirmation of an historic event. If that goes the way it could go, then it's going to be like opening a can of scorpions in a phone box.

Or not.

My enemies are armed only with spite and words.

I am ready.

Bring it on.

#33
General Discussion / Re: Unreal
November 19, 2021, 11:10:48 AM
Thanks all.

wish I could share the details, but I'd be putting a searchlight on me. You know how these things go.

I can and will come out of this with added strength.

As if by magic, this came up... which pretty much sums up my approach right now.

https://www.iflscience.com/brain/trauma-and-transformation-a-psychologist-on-why-difficult-experiences-can-radically-change-us/?fbclid=IwAR3KZAAnd8kau6utfcnUfDr2lZbRL0-S7HqJcVezUEO_Pai8WtDcZeK_-GA
#34
General Discussion / Re: Unreal
November 19, 2021, 07:54:51 AM
I have a very stark choice here I think. It's maybe a bit of a sink or swim moment.

I either weather this, or I go down.

I've learned so much about trauma, and about how I prsonally react to it, for better or worse, and I have a toolkit I didn't have before. It doesnt matter how severe and horrible this is, and trust me, it really is, I can still manage it.

I'm going to start by limiting who knows about the story to the absolute bare minimum. Allies only. Work knows and are being amazing. That's something I never had before. Next I am going to use this to draw a line under the whole saga. Thing is, it doesn't matter how obscene or severe an incident may be, it's not you. As the stoics say, you can at least decide how you feel things, and how you react. Feelings are OPTIONAL.

I've been through so much, and often it's the outside expectations on how I was expected to behave or react that created this awful cognitive dissonance. It's so easy for people to stand at the sidelines like some fat football fan in the terraces, passing judgement on the performance of some ultra fit athelete who's just having an off day. So many of us in here have had to face situations that many others might never have made it through, and to add insult to that injury, we've been slated and judged for how we coped.

Not this time.

I've done enough.

There is my life, then there are the actions of others. I cannot control that, I can only control how I react and live with these stories. Yes, this is a terrible twist on an already ghastly story, but it isn't something I had any control over. It will likely be claimed I had some responsibilty, because that's what narcicists always do, but of course I didn't.

Hold the line.
#35
General Discussion / Unreal
November 18, 2021, 08:51:36 AM
So... something new happened that is so off the wall, so strange and terrible that it's almost beyond reaction... but.... I can't share it, because it's in the news.

Just unreal.

It's an odd thing how sometimes tho, something new and awful removes some old and awful. It does that at least.

Determined not to let this push me over the edge tho, in fact... this has to be a line in the sand regarding fate and its dark sense of humour.

Nope, not gonna happen. I've done enough, thanks.

#36
General Discussion / More recovery notes
November 03, 2021, 07:19:01 AM
Interesting phase.

After a sharp relapse I've noticed, as I have before, that on the other side of these dips I tend to have made noticeable gains. It's like you are working your way through a series of cells, a bit like a honeycomb, and every once in a while you have to backtrack to secure one you thought you'd dealt with but which came back to life.

Metaphor on my mind is the Pacific in ww2 where you had this island hopping process. Some islands you assault and take, others you bypass in favour of more important or larger islands. Eventually, you take them all, but some have the odd enemy lurking in the jungles, sometimes for 20 years. The bigger islands are more costly to take of course, just as your issues will focus on the main events and the bigger traumas, but don't underestimate the way that down the line, the bypassed islands will need to be taken.

I've noticed a lot more 'living in the now' going on suddenly. Things that bothered me are now lessening and my cortisol levels must be dropping because my hyper-vigilance is falling away. Sound sensitivity is dropping which is good and I've not needed any emergency meds to lower social panic.

If I were to guess why I'm winning, it would have to be about accepting where I've ended up as being OK, good even, and also dropping the hurt and bewilderment at the way friends let me down so badly when things were at their worst. The judgement, often so badly informed and partisan hurt me hugely, it was not only so far from accurate as to be absurd, it was frequently deriving entertainment from what became a very real tragedy. I think I've been holding on for closure over this, waiting for some justice and realism that simply will not happen. Accepting that and letting people go for my own peace of mind has been hard, but I am palpably better in myself when I do.

But these things come and they go. The C-PTSD mind needs constant retraining, like brushing wayward hair, one stroke of the brush is not enough. When it comes back, I have to go back to my mantras and remind myself of the big lessons I have learned over these last 5 years.

People make their own choices.
It is normal to protect yourself.
You are not obliged to display loyalty without conditions.
This is your life.
There are rules in life, and those that play against them can and should be avoided.
C-PTSD is an injury, not an illness.
A small but dangerous element of humanity is beyond the pail.
Families are not a trap, if you have a bad one, you can, and should... leave.
Living for others will not end well.
Make boundaries... and keep them.
etc etc

Next year is set to be an important one. Restore, reclaim... rebuild.
#37
General Discussion / Re: Confusion about NPD
November 03, 2021, 06:59:34 AM
I think many parents are driven more by convention than by actual love or instinct, so what you get is an unreliable and insincere interaction. It becomes very apparent when there is some shift in the homelife that renders one audience to their "parenting" suddenly becoming irrelevant and the whole emphasis changing. This is true in many relationships, things change and what is supposed to be a constant gets dropped, or exaggerated. My mother's bizarre interpretation of religion meant that she was always addressing this other person whom she was determined to appear selfless to, and as a result, she sacrificed virtually everything to help the vile cuckoo that is my brother. Before that she smothered me. On her death bed she was convinced she was being individually tested by the almighty, such was her vanity.

If someone is more worried about what other people, society or God thinks of them, how can they be objectively a good parent? That's not a dig at faith, but reflects my frustration at the way so many people neglect reality to appease things outside of themselves, often with catastrophic results.
#38
General Discussion / next stage and emdr
October 17, 2021, 06:47:19 AM
So...

Well, I'm struggling to be honest. The dreary smudge at the end of lockdown, the political pantomimes and the economic sludge collide merrily with the coming of winter and my mood has fallen off the table. Kept at bay a bit with meds but it's time to fight back.

Went to the docs and talked it through, initially without much joy, but then later with some real progress. Maybe I had it wrong, I do have a tendency to assume a negative response to me, but I had a call back that showed they completely understood what was happening and we're giving it some proper thought.

So... EMDR.

Will be in Jan/Feb most likely. I don't care what it costs, it needs doing. I'm just fighting too many negatives both internal and external and I can feel my emotional handbrake failing. Just knowing it's on the way is making a huge difference.

20 months of lockdown, I mean come on... it's a lot for us all. And it's not just the restrictions, but the lack of distraction, the momentum sapping niggles, the downbeat mood of those around us. It would be a trial for anyone, it has been, but with C-PTSD it's a real mind melter.

I've been really fighting bad temper and depression, struggling to relate to my partner and anything but my battle with C-PTSD and the processing of the past. But I've not been winning. The aim is to beat the thing, not churn it like butter for the rest of my life. It has to go. I think it's the sheer frustration of swatting it away all the time in company. At home, it's constant interaction and I just can't spend the time I need pointing my fire hose at the smouldering embers. You have to keep jumping on moods to keep them from escalating, and yes... you can do it, but it takes so much out of you and is a huge drain on your relationships.

It's exhausting.

Everything I'm seeing about EMDR, despite its strange method, seems to be glowing. Assault victims, abuse survivors, it really does seem to rewire the brain. Whether it can affect more varied trauma types is the question. In my case the trauma, though at its worse as an adult, had childhood origins, but there are few major moments, more a long drawn out series of slow-motion declines under the oppression and madness of others.

Can EMDR budge that? We shall see.
#39
Sorry to hear you've been feeling these things and dealing with these complex interactions.

Bottom line is, that you need to manage them all for the good of yourself, and if they don't like that then that's just too bad. If you bend in the wind, you snap. So many of us in here have snapped because we always compromised our wellbeing to keep the peace in absurd situations and failed in our right to self-care.

Difficult people sense our vulnerability, and if being 'family' means they have you trapped into interactions, they'll wreak havoc. Standing up to them and saying no can be a challenge, your bounderies an affront to their abusive entitlement. Hold the line... always.

Re: children... do what feels right for you. You may feel burried in complexity now, but you are clearly a smart considered woman who is way on the road to a new equilibrium. C-PTSD isnt a linear recovery so there will be peaks and troughs before you feel certain of yourself, but if that happens then maybe you will feel differently about being a mother. But children or no children, it's a journey that is worth it in terms of who you are as an individual.

But don't underestimate the strength and insight that C-PTSD will end up giving you. It's a really tough ride and the lessons are hard learned, painful, but with that comes a very deep understanding of people and the mind. One day you will know what to do with that knowledge, be it writing, working or even teaching the lessons to a child.

#40
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Re: Imposter Syndrome
October 09, 2021, 06:38:09 AM
very typical of c-ptsd I reckon. We've had waves of negative reinforcement, so anything we do is going to feel like, at best, we've struck luckiy for one silly instant and we will soon be back in the box.

The antidote, in my expereince, is to make sure you indetify the voice of the inner critic, and separate it from reality for the applied abuse it really is. People NEED you to fail, and they NEED you to feel like an imposter. Truth is  that you have as much right as any other person to be where you are, doing what you are doing, and failing and succeeding is not anyone's business but your own. All you are doing is living your life, learning your lessons, and how that measures against these tiny souled monsters is irrelevant.

When you feel it again, look around you and imagine everyone else feeling the same emotions and you get this sense of the pointlessness of this forcibly downloaded software that you just don't need to have inside you.
#41
Interesting thoughts Pippi.

It's a good analogy, and a demonstration that it's all about perception. If we chose to travel and there was no trauma, it would be an adventure. Instead it's a trial.

My feeling is that it's a journey where we travel backwards, and we don't see what is coming half the time. Learning to face forward as we walk is a huge part of it.

I'm also incapable of tears, buried too deep for now. It will come.
#42
General Discussion / notes and observations.. stage 3027/b
September 27, 2021, 05:51:52 AM
stage after stage after stage... that's the thing with C-PTSD. Oh well, you run with it, only way.

The last few months have been a bit of a roller coaster, the point between lockdown and normality... whatever that is. It's really perfect for creating aggravation and uncertainty, I find - that mix of on and off. You can do more, for sure, but you run into a mass of inconvenience and inefficiency, and the momentum you crave to make life feel back on track just seems to suffocate under a wave of niggles and restraint.

Restraint is the thing. I feel like I'm held in this constant state of tension, my senses held in place... waiting for life.

One interesting observation that throws a lot of light on C-PTSD.

I decided to replace my phone. I am really not interested in tech, but my iPhone needed swapping out for something with a better camera for art and the likes, so I went and grabbed an android. That led to me discovering my ancient email address was about to expire. Mayhem. I had to go through decades of web connections, personal contacts and passwords. It made me VERY unhappy. It dredged up so much feeling, the abandonment, the attacks, the time wasted, the rotten freelance clients, everything.

Finally, after about a month of this process, I suddenly realised what a good metaphor the whole exercise had been for recovery. Yes it was nasty while it lasted, but ultimately I'd started with chaos, but finally, I'd got to a stage where I had a fully functioning phone as good as the one I'd started with. Now, after settling down, I realise it's better. BETTER.

That's the point really. My life is like a phone. It seemed stable and happy, familiar, but once changed was forced it went through the same period of chaos and unfamiliarity. Gradually I've loaded the new apps, learnt the operating structure and now I can live in a rational, normal way again. But while you have this effectively dead new device stage it's really stressful, your life has been bricked, rendered useless by change and you can't see how you'll ever be able to do even the most basic of things you used to.

Recovery is about accepting the trauma of recovery, in addition to the trauma itself. I really feel that I had two traumas, one the collapse of my life and the terrible behaviour of my nearest and dearest, and then the horror of C-PTSD itself, a very frighteneing and bewildering event. That's the phone metaphor right there. The phone breaks, then you have the chaos of learning a new one. You can't just swap the sim card of your life and get started again, like I thought I would because the sim is ruined, cracked in half by C-PTSD. It's like a flood.. yes you nearly drowned... but after the flood you face a wrecked house, destroyed possessions.

So how does this help?

Well, I think now that I am well progressed enough with recovery to see the recovery as inevitable. Like my phone, finally, it just feels like life again, just like my phone now feels like a phone again, and I don't have to think about it and can just... live. Accepting this and switching off the endless struggling and thinking is now where I am. It's a challenge because it is all about habit really. I'm used to the panic, hooked on the cortisol, ever ready for trouble.

But in all honesty, I've never had stability like this.

One day, like the new phone, the new life has to stop being new. You have to accept you've arrived at a destination and are no longer fighting to get somewhere. It may not be perfect, it may not be ideal, but it's most definitely not the terrible place you came from. I'm now ready to start overriding the habits of C-PTSD and to see them for what they are... habits. The past will not repeat itself, though it will keep on rhyming forever. But, if you have taken the vital step of cutting the cord to the sources of the abuse, condescension and pain, you WILL be on your way to a proper life. Resetting that life is not immediate, like the new phone, it will take time to learn all settings, load the contacts and make it yours, but it WILL happen.

The sooner you start that process, the sooner it will end.
#43
Interesting...

I would say that many of us have the conditions in place, the fault lines from childhood, but it takes the adult trauma to make things break. I was certainly prepared one way or another, pre-conditioned. The same people (mostly) carried out the trauma when it came, so there's that.

My feeling is that very few people don't have their own fracture lines, but whether or not those fractures get tested or not, is the issue. Personally, I feel certain my life could have been fine, if a little overshadowed at times by what was inherently wrong with my family, but it took the family to come charging back into my life when my mother became ill that really set my personal disaster on its way. Pre-weakened, pretty much sums it up.
#44
Hi all,

I've been watching myself closely recently , (when do I not?) as I start to come out of CPTSD and have been trying to think it through in ways I can articulate and pass on.

It's been tough because this phase seems so fast and quickly changing, moving from one state to another at a much higher rate than it did when things were more chronic. What's noticeable is that my self-perception is more constructively critical, with my view of the events that led me here suddenly less subjective, more objective and free of the wild sting of hurt and grievance. A lot of self-doubt has gone, as has the feeling of having let myself down and been weak. The 'why me?' thing is still occasionally there, but the more distance you put between yourself and the crisis years, the better you can sort through the dust and find the rubies they didn't get to.

The best metaphor I can give you to describe the later stages of recovery is this:

Life, if it goes the way it should, is like a railway line. It travels pretty much from A to B, negotiating natural obstacle through dynamite blasted tunnels and over bridges that span the typical life dips without too much trouble. But C-PTSd and the incidents that cause it throw you off the train and on to the old road that went from A to B via Z J K D and all points in between. The old road doesnt have the tunnels and the bridges, it has to clamber up hillsides and wind down switchbacks and meander along river beds. Driving is hard work.

Gradually though, the bad countryside with all it's hills and forests, rivers and marshes starts to gve way to rolling gentle hills and the train heads towards the coast, and at that point the road rejoins the rail line. And that's where the metaphor kicks in really, because you start to see the train from the car, and the car from the train. You begin to see normality getting nearer - at times being where you should have been all along...  watching the car flip back and forth alongside the carriage as the obstacles lessen. Or, you are still in the car, mildly frustrated as you get close to the direct path of the train, only to be forced away by yet another hill or river.

That's what it all feels like to me. Sometimes I'm on the train, sometimes I'm in the car.

Which makes me think about the whole process really. Is it realistic that anyone really ends up on the train? Life never has it's bad moments blasted out of the way by dynamite before you even get there. And people who have all the privilege and help that can be imagined can fall off the train or are pushed, so one way or another the railway metaphor makes you see that the idea of a direct route through life is never anything more than the point of a compass, suggesting where we should be headed, but never able to remove the obstacles we will encounter.

The road, always points the same way, but it is by necessity, winding and tough. Where you fall off the train matters, because you can drop in a desert, lush pastures or a war zone. How you fall or how you are pushed matters too, of course, but what matters far more is your realism about that fleeting view you get of the train as you start to fight your way back.

At this stage, I am tantalisingly close to the train at times. I've rebuilt virtually everything that constitutes a life, but the pain and hurt still lurks. Realistically, I will never get closure - that's impossible. What I CAN do, is live now, in the moment, as much as possible. When I do that, I'm in the train, watching the car as it follows the same river valley. When I don't, I'm back in the car chasing the train.

But wow, what a difference. Once I was deep in the valley, hood up with a dead engine, and all I could see of the train was a plume of distant steam rising above distant hills. (Metaphor overload, but you get the idea)

Later stage recovery is like that... on the train, in the car, on the train, in the car, on the train, in the car, on the train, in the car, rinse and repeat. Sometimes it feels like it will never end, but it's amazing to be so close that you can see yourself looking back at you from the carriage window.

OK, that's enough metaphor for today.

I need tea.

Fair winds people!

#45
Announcements / Re: Banning Members; Trolls
July 19, 2021, 06:00:45 AM
wow, in here? Saddened to hear that. Glad you are on the case, such a shame it's even an issue.