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Sometimes I feel like I want to be nurtured as one would nurture a child. For those of us who missed out on that sort of thing back when it was supposed to happen, I think that's only natural.

Re: shame, I'll bet your T wouldn't be at all surprised if you shared this craving with her, and maybe it would help open the way for some breakthroughs in therapy. One thought: is there something your H could do to help you satisfy this need at home? Maybe you could figure out how, when you need it, he could provide you something like the kind of bodywork you get from T. My own partner does some types of bodywork (just stuff that we came up with—nothing "formal") for me right before bed, and it's very calming.

If it helps to think of it this way, there's a very strong chemical basis for the craving you describe: oxytocin. You may need more of it. It could be an important ingredient for healing (https://myalcomy.com/body-language-blog/oxytocin-touch)

Welcome back, rainy. It's good to see you again 

[healing can't really take place until there is a complete acknowledgment of what actually transpired and how it made the victim feel]

Here's a relevant article from a therapist (Beverly Engel) who actually gets it:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/201504/when-did-victim-become-bad-word

"Unless we turn this thing around and make it OK to admit when we have been victimized, admit when we feel bad, and not allow other people to shame us for it, the cycle will continue."

"What do you think happens to all the other vets who lost an arm or a leg in the war and who can't move on to greatness? How do you imagine that person feels? Like a failure, of course. Like a loser. He thinks, "If he can do it why can't I?" He begins to despise himself for his weakness. He hates himself because he can't connect with "the hero inside" to overcome his disability in a grand way. He descends into a dark pit of depression."

"We not only ignore and blame victims but we expect them to recover from their adversity in record time. In our culture we are supposed to "get over" adversity and "move on," and many people don't have much tolerance or patience for those who don't. But this concept of "instant recovery" is an extremely unnatural and unreasonable expectation. It takes time to recover from adversity, and healing can't really take place until there is a complete acknowledgment of what actually transpired and how it made the victim feel"

I was tempted to post several more snippets, but the whole article should really be read—it's very good

Yeah, I find that kind of "help" to be facile and dismissive. It's an extension of victim blaming. It's also a reflection of society's basic maxim that there should be no "whining" and that the only noble response to life's difficulties is to trudge forth with a plastic smile plastered on one's face. I'm happy for anyone who can pull off that kind of thing—it just hasn't worked for me.

I'm all for trying to heal. I'm all for not burdening innocent others with my woes. I'm all for not genuinely malingering. But...

-I was abused, and it caused extensive damage that I'm still trying to undo, to the extent possible
-CPTSD is debilitating, and when I'm struggling, it's real
-I don't "choose victimhood" (hate that word/phrasing) any more than I chose to be beaten, molested, and degraded as a small child...I'm being who I am, because that's all I can do.

We're told that the way to tackle the Inner Critic and toxic shame is to practice self compassion, but then we're also chided into denying that we're victims of another person's cruelty.

Well, which one is it? I can't manage both to feel compassion for what I've been made to suffer and who I became as a result and also deny that I'm a victim of someone else's cruelty. They're incompatible in my mind.

I've decided that there are certain messages that I need to tune out as I best I can (and it's not necessarily easy). I've decided that, although I need to keep working on healing, I'm never going to dismiss my inner child, deny that I was seriously abused/traumatized, or discount how those early experiences damaged me (possibly permanently, in some respects), with all kinds of unpleasant outcomes. Refusing to acknowledge that we are victims (yes, victims) of abuse (and, at least in some cases, actual crimes punishable by law) is tantamount to gagging our inner child. Screw that. I was already (figuratively) gagged by my perp and his enablers and beneficiaries through gaslighting and minimization, which was bad enough.

I say: honor the truth (that you are the victim of someone else's reprehensible behavior) at the same time that you're doing your best to heal and being as kind as you can to the good people in your present life. What else can you do?

Glosses over the situation where trauma was involved, and heavily leans toward burying past hurts and "moving forward". But the comments give you an idea about how widespread unacknowledged abuse is (not like that should surprise us...)

Hopefully, next time NYT publishes something on this topic, it will be more balanced.

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/12/07/well/family/when-a-family-is-fractured.html?surface=home-discovery-vi-prg&fellback=false&req_id=580850114&algo=identity&variant=no-exp&imp_id=894318211&register=email&auth=register-email

Indeed it is possible to be abused and traumatized at home and still do well at school. The concept of Structural Dissociation can help explain how this can happen. I posted about this a while back:

https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?PHPSESSID=39780792e1b6e786b8939b8febc61674&topic=12915.msg95663#msg95663

Also, there's another old thread where ppl shared about their levels of functionality in school despite problems at home:

https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13056.msg97735#msg97735

Hi Bumblebee,

I'm sorry that you're experiencing this sad situation with your partner. CPTSD can definitely pose challenges in relationships. Worth bearing in mind is that a lot of us with CPTSD also have "insecure attachment", and that majorly affects the way we view and interact with others. Paradoxically, a lot of us sufferers want some form of human connection, but at the same time, feel unsafe around others. That's natural, because the source of our trauma was other people (often people upon whom we were forced to depend, and whom we should have been able to trust).

Speaking for myself, my list of triggers has grown longer over the years, and I've found it harder to be around people as I've aged (because people are a major source of triggers!) I've even allowed relationships to die because of this, and it has always boiled down to feeling a need to protect myself at all costs. Things that may seem like no big deal to you may be inexplicably frightening or otherwise upsetting to your partner. He, himself, might not even realize or fully comprehend what's bothering him—he may just know that he needs to get away. A really good therapist could potentially help him sort through this, but I understand him being leery of that. I also had a terrible therapist interaction that has put me off of therapy indefinitely, for better or for worse...

You asked what you can do to help him. I'd say that if he's telling you that he needs some space, he probably means it. If you're having a hard time giving him space, and you press him for more interaction before he's ready, you may end up pushing him further away. And it's worth noting that getting triggered isn't always the reason to isolate. For me, sometimes it's because I'm going through an extra-intense bout of depression, and that makes it hard to be motivated to interact with others, or makes me fear getting embarrassed about how I come across (let's face it, no one wants to be around a Debbie Downer). Sometimes I'm dissociating a lot for whatever reason, and I just can't "be present" for others, no matter how badly I want to and how hard I try to focus and engage. Basically, there could be all kinds of reasons for his withdrawal—some may have to do with you; others (possibly all) may have nothing whatsoever to do with you.

Eventually he may be able to participate fully in your relationship again, but that could take a while... While giving him space, if nothing else, you can assure him that you care, and that he's welcomed to reach out when it feels right, and that you'll do what you can to support him. And he will need to do a lot of work on his own end. It's hard work. There are fits and starts to the healing process (sometimes I feel I'm slipping backwards, despite earlier gains). Along those lines, it's important to realize that, even if he comes back around sometime soon, he may "go dark" again at some point down the line.

In trying to answer your question, I'm thinking right now about my relationship with my current partner, and why it seems to be working (and has been for years), whereas my past relationships didn't (often, I think, due in part to my CPTSD symptoms). I give my partner a ton of credit for our success. He's really good at supporting me in the ways I need support; he never seems to trigger me (which is pretty amazing, since I'm so easily triggered); he gives me the space I sometimes need without my having to press for it; he doesn't push me to be more functional than I can be at any given moment (or shame me when I can't); and he rolls with my unfortunate quirks like a saint (e.g., he has witnessed some of my most heinous emotional flashbacks, and miraculously they haven't caused him to sour on me). But I also make great effort to do my part, and to this end, I sometimes have to remind myself that it's not all about me, and that I must try to see to my partner's needs, too, even though I'm often distracted and exhausted by my symptoms. Even under the best circumstances, it can be hard to make relationships work when CPTSD is in the picture, but the rewards can be incredible, and a loving, safe relationship can also be very helpful to the sufferer in the healing process—especially for earning secure attachment.

I have limited experience with EMDR. I believe some people on the forum have expressed that it has helped them, so maybe they'll chime in. I've read elsewhere that it doesn't necessarily work well for CPTSD (because of the "C" part). There are other therapies, however, like Internal Family Systems, that certain folks here have said is helping them.

Bottom line: There is hope, but any healing is likely to be slow and non-linear. His need to isolate right now is probably not something he considers optional, but you have a right to have your own needs met, and you don't owe it to him to stick around in limbo indefinitely if he can't be there for you within a reasonable timeframe (and only you can know what that is). Hopefully he can find some relief from what he's going through and the two of you can find a solution that brings you both peace and wellbeing over the long term, but please take good care of yourself in the meantime. 

Welcome, Pioneer

just found out that another aunt died recently. since may, this makes 7 friends and family members dead, and going thru covid w/ my hub for a month.  don't have enough time to process all this - i'm a walking zombie right now.

What more can a soul withstand?  I'd be a zombie, too.

It seems the onslaught that you've been facing has been relentless, san. I'm so sorry about your losses. I hope you can at least hold onto the house (and I'm glad you made it through the fire scare—my head is spinning thinking of you having to evacuate amidst all the rest of the turmoil you've described)

Welcome, Kingfisher

Yes, I can relate to much of what you say. And I concur—Pete Walker does do a great job of describing the lived experience of CPTSD. His words provided me much-needed validation of what I've experienced (symptom-wise) in life, following a terror-filled childhood raised by abusive and neglectful parents. Another great book that talks more about the science of trauma's lasting effects on the developing child, as well as therapeutic modalities, is The Body Keeps the Score. There are also some YouTube vids of the author (Bessel van der Kolk) lecturing on the topic that you might find useful.

I also didn't start digging into the reality of what I experienced growing up, and really recognizing and feeling my emotions around it, until well into middle age (dissociation and numbing behaviors kept the veil over my eyes for decades, I believe). There has been (and still is) so much pain, and so many ways the early trauma has warped how I view others, myself, and "my place in the world". I'm still on my journey of trying to find what might help me heal. I'm learning that it's a process, and that there are setbacks and relapses. Healing is not constant, or linear, at least for me. I try to maintain hope, because what's the alternative?

I'm glad you found this community and am looking forward to your future posts

Sounds promising. Hope it goes well!

I did, and I had a bad experience with it. In my case, though, I think the problem was with the therapist I tried to work with, rather than the platform itself. The only thing I really disliked about the platform was the process for selecting a therapist, which seemed to me to be unnecessarily constraining, and may have contributed to my bad experience because it led me to what turned out to be an inappropriate therapist. I did like being able to just text back and forth, rather than dialogue in real time, as it allowed us both to collect our thoughts between messages, facilitating more efficient communication.

I picked someone who claimed to specialize in PTSD, but this person seemed very ill-equipped to deal with someone suffering from childhood-abuse-related trauma (the platform did not include this as a screening criterion). My interaction with her ended up actually being a somewhat retraumatizing experience for me. If you do decide to pursue this route, I would suggest interviewing the prospective therapists specifically with respect to their knowledge and experience working with folks suffering from CPTSD

Good luck

The words will know when (if) they're ready to flow. There's no timeline on theses things, and we'll be here if you need us

Thank you for sharing, BB. Very interesting and makes a lot of sense to me, as I have generally felt my brain going offline (and causing me to lose my tongue or otherwise do something dumb or fail to act how I would've done best to act) in response to sudden/unexpected shaming. And that ends up breeding even more shame! 

Also, thanks for the notes in your other thread. Inspired by what you posted, I checked out the Center for Healing Shame website, and there are some great resources there. I especially liked this page: https://healingshame.com/self-help

I have lots of work to do to tackle my pervasive shame, which is fueling depression and really awful to live with, so this is timely. 

Welcome, cflage,

You've been through quite a nightmare, and I can relate to parts of what you've written, especially in terms of how the trauma has affected your life (e.g., the "proxies")

Sounds like your bullies would qualify as full-blown criminal assailants.

I hope that you can find some healing. Unfortunately, CPTSD can really wreck a life (I'm still trying to fix mine)