Messages

Thank you, Kizzie.
I have actually wondered what "reasonable accommodation" would like like for someone with CPTSD.
For me, it would involve many different things (I have a desk job). Here's a quick (and probably incomplete) list (I'm not sure how much is universal, or just for me personally):
-private office with soundproof walls/door, and low light, and no ambient visual distractions of other people's movements (but a window showing nature would be grand)
-frequent opportunities to move my body as needed
-minimal-to-no forced interactions with others
-ability to only have to be in the office and working while my brain is under my control and able to concentrate and focus on the task at hand
-freedom to flee if/whenever I need to to decompress in a place that feels safe
There's probably more, but that already sounds like an over-the-top request. I can't imagine I wouldn't be laughed out of the room.
I'd be interested in hearing about whether folks have discussed this topic with employers (I haven't) and found solutions that are working out for all involved

Many thanks to both of you for your responses.
I agree that exhaustion after having to function "normally", while burdened with CPTSD for so many years, is a huge factor in feeling like I can't do it much longer. I also seem to be more susceptible to triggers (and have more triggers, period) than ever before. If I do end up taking the plunge, I hope I don't regret it, either. It's hard not to come down on myself.
I'm really not sure what to do, but I'm starting to feel too tired to care. Thanks, again

I'm wondering whether any of you have encountered such difficulty functioning that you have permanently left the work force "prematurely" (meaning, not of typical retirement age and/or not with an ideal amount saved).
Some days I feel like I can hang on ok enough, and other days, I have so little control over my mind due to various CPTSD symptoms that it's really tough, and adds to my anxiety/depression/exhaustion. Unfortunately, in recent months, those bad days are seeming to be more frequent. So far, I feel I've been doing my rightful amount/quality of work to justify my ongoing employment, but I have this feeling that it's going downhill, and I'm terrified of reaching a point where my performance sinks below the acceptable level and (heaven forbid) I get talked to (or worse). With one possible exception (in a situation that wasn't even a "real" job), I've always received very positive reviews from my employers. I think my strategy has always been to put work absolutely first---saving up all my energy and brainpower to make sure I do well in that realm, even as my personal life languishes or even implodes. But I'm getting this sense that my days of being able to power through and succeed in the work force may soon be coming to an end.
Just wondering whether others have experienced the same, and what you've done about it. Are you (still) working and struggling? Did you quit, and do you regret it? Is your life clearly better now? Anyone go on disability? I do have a formal PTSD diagnosis (I'm in the US, so no CPTSD possible), but I'm not sure I want to go the disability route, for a number of reasons---although I don't have any negative feelings about others doing this kind of thing. Maybe it's something I should look into, but I don't feel very committed to that idea, at least not at this point.
One thing I have noticed is that a lot of people seem to get more crushed by CPTSD as they age, and this seems like it could explain what's happening to me (I mentioned this on another thread, quite awhile back). Interestingly, I ran into an article (see below) that seemed to have an undertone of people reaching a point where they can't work anymore. The reason I got this notion is that in one of the tables, they list several of the study participants (most of whom are under 50) as being a "former <occupation>", which suggests to me (even though the article doesn't elaborate on this particular point) that they couldn't function in the workplace anymore. I'm scared about losing my ability to function. I hate that I may have to make a scary leap eventually. If I change my mind, I think I'm too old now to have an easy time getting back into the work force. I also doubt whether I could muster enough ability to market myself effectively anymore to land a half-decent job.
Here's a link to a page where a pdf of the article can be downloaded, if you're interested:
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/319644594_Why_do_I_have_to_suffer_Symptom_management_views_and_experiences_of_patients_with_a_cPTSD_a_grounded_theory

Hi Patticake, and welcome to this wonderful community of caring and understanding folks.
That's a tough dilemma, and I feel for you. I think there is a lot to consider. Whether it is cruel is, of course, one thing. But you should also consider the weakened state you feel you're in right now, and whether it's healthy for you to keep exposing yourself to a denier. Personally, I tend to get very triggered by someone invalidating what happened to me or my resultant (often debilitating) symptoms. People like that are people I have decided I *have* to cut out of my life, or I'll go insane. Long ago, I elected to go no-contact with my very abusive father, because he could never acknowledge what he did to me, and it made me so sick and angry. He ended up dying about a decade into our estrangement, without my knowing until after the fact. I am not regretful that things worked out that way (and haven't ever been, in the nearly 2 decades that have passed since his death). But that's just me...
Along those lines, how would you feel if she died during estrangement? If you think that might bother you, then it might be worth gritting your teeth and continuing to "be there for her" until she's gone. Certainly not a requirement, but something you might want to consider doing, depending upon whether you think you might end up being haunted by not having done so, once it's too late to change course.
I'm so sorry about your suffering and loneliness. CPTSD can really make life a nightmare. We're here to help support you

Good suggestion, Blueberry. Thanks.
I may eventually do that. First I'll have to be certain I really am never going to communicate directly with Pat. I'm mostly thinking I won't now, but still not 100% sure

I really appreciate your feedback, all of you. I ended up feeling much better after reading your messages. I feel heard, and that really seems to help. I feel better enough that I'm less inclined to contact Pat. I'm not positive I'll never do it (and who knows how I'll feel when the next EF rolls in--I'm really dreading that), but at least for now, I feel more at peace and less desperate to seek justice that I know I may never come close to finding.
Finallyfree, I like the idea of writing the letter and revising it, whether I send it or not. I have drafted something, and that process itself seems to have helped somehow. Libby, I feel for you right now. Divorce is bad enough, but sprinkle in some CPTSD, and it sounds like a nightmare to contend with. Both of you, I'm sorry that you're being singled out in favor of the GCs. That's one thing that I can't relate to directly because both my blood sibling and I were apparently equally despised by our father.
Every day is a challenge. I wish it were better for all of us. But I am glad we can share our thoughts and feelings, and offer each other support. I really am. Hugs to you all
By the way, one thing I can say, for what it's worth is, is even though my F was obviously trying to punish me and my blood sibling for the estrangement by disinheriting us, I would not change anything about how I handled things while he was still alive. I do not regret going NC at all. If anything, his disinheriting me only solidifies my belief that he didn't deserve to have me in his life as a doting, adult daughter. If he wanted to shame me, or make me feel regret about the estrangement, he failed miserably. I say this in order to offer my own perspective from the experience I had. I realize that this information might be of interest for anyone who has chosen to go NC with a parent who refused to ever acknowledge the damage they did to their child. Your mileage may vary, of course, but that was my experience. He only showed me how very right I was to eliminate him from my life. I'm glad I didn't compromise my principles, sanity, dignity, etc. by kissing up to him, my unrepentant tormentor, while he was still alive
Peace

Thanks for your feedback, Rainagain.
Just to clarify, I'm not trying to suggest that Pat is responsible, and I'm not seeking validation from Pat. I just want Pat to know the story behind why my F treated me and my sibling so poorly in the will (from which Pat, in turn, benefited). I guess I think it's only fair for Pat to know the backstory. My thought is that that small sliver of fairness might help me feel better, But who knows? Maybe I'll never get to feel better about all that was done to me. I'm in a wild goose chase for justice that I may never realize--not even a little. It's hard to deal with. But that's the ugly world we live in.

ETA: It just occurred to me that my moments of feeling a desperate need to tell my story probably coincide with EFs. I just feel this tidal wave of indignation sweeping over me, and I get pulled into something really emotionally intense. I feel so lost and I hate this so much...

I'm so glad you found us, Donna, and reached out. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying, although I don't think I experience parts as strongly as you described. I can definitely relate to being triggered by work things, and it has become frighteningly more apparent to me in recent years that I'm probably not much longer for the workforce. Forced interactions with people (read: coworkers, colleagues, the general public) is getting harder and harder for me. People really are just too triggering for me. It's seriously starting to interfere with my functioning (especially because of anxiety, dissociation, and rage at not feeling heard/respected).
We're roughly the same age, and I've recently realized that I'm probably experiencing perimenopause now. It seems to be exacerbating my CPTSD (it's currently way worse than it's ever been and I'm seriously worried about how bad things can get).
I don't know if you're going through something similar, but I thought I'd mention it, in case that might be helpful. I have read a lot of accounts of women (e.g., on myPTSD) who talk about menopause + CPTSD as being a really toxic combo.
I send you my hugs, too. I really understand. It's invisible, but it's SO HARD...

[So here's my question]

My F was physically and emotionally very brutal with me and my sibling during the first ~decade of my life. Then my parents divorced and my F married a woman with a child who was near me in age (let's call that child Pat).
I had decided to go NC with my F shortly after reaching adulthood, because he refused to acknowledge and take any responsibility for the atrocities he committed toward me and my blood sibling growing up. My blood sibling also went NC. I think if my F had been contrite and willing to discuss things and had tried to make some sort of amends, I would have been able to forgive him, and maybe even been a regular part of his life. He didn't, so I did what I could to forget about him (and all this time, I didn't realize I had CPTSD, but I was suffering from all kinds of symptoms, yet trudging on).
He died roughly a decade after the estrangement began (we weren't told he had been dying--so it was a surprise, albeit not an unpleasant one, to find out about his passing).
Turns out that my F more or less stiffed me and my blood sibling in the will (he left us each tiny, "symbolic" amounts), but left a sum a little higher than the average annual salary in my country (USA) to Pat (i.e., not an absolute ton of money, but not too shabby, either). He left the residual estate to my stepM, and I have no idea what that might have been, but it could easily have been in the hundreds of thousands of $. His death occurred almost 2 decades ago.
Needless to say, his prank of including me and my blood sibling in the will, for laughably tiny amounts, was a slap in the face, just as he had intended. Among other things, it was effectively a public assassination of our character, designed to lead others (like Pat??) to believe we were bad people and deserved to be stiffed by him. In addition, I'll admit that it kind of stings that someone else effectively profited off the misery that I endured as an abused child-turned-adult who never got to see any justice, and on top of it, I got unfairly demonized by him! Such an insult added to heaps of prior injury (by one's own F, no less).
When my F was still alive, I never talked to anyone about the years of abuse I had endured at his hands. I think I was too afraid of him finding out and retaliating. Because of this, I have no idea whether Pat understands what was behind Pat's magical windfall of money when my dad died. Pat never mentioned anything about it to me, but cheerfully took possession of the funds. It's hard to make peace with the fact that someone (who, BTW, when we were growing up, didn't like my F any more than I did), profited indirectly off my personal history of abuse. It's hard to contain the resentment and indignation that unfortunately persists today.
So here's my question:
Should I write to Pat to let Pat know about my history with my F?
The reason I'm thinking of doing this is because, given all that was done to me, starting with the beatings, followed by his unwillingness to hear me out and take responsibility, followed by the decades that I've suffered CPTSD symptoms, followed by being unfairly demonized (sort of like victim-blaming) by him in the will... all this is too much for me to bear. I need some kind of outlet, preferably in the form of "justice". The only type of "justice" I think I might have access to, given that my F is dead now and doesn't have to answer for anything himself, is to "out" him to Pat (FWIW, I've already outed him to my stepM, but it's not at all clear that she cares about my story--I think it would be too inconvenient for her to show any kind of concern, given the fact that she, too, profited off my misery).
I guess it really boils down to wanting Pat to realize how evil my F was, and that I'm not a "bad guy". I want my F's memory to be justly sullied and my own good name to be restored. I don't think it's fair that Pat was able to enjoy that money and not know the sordid story behind it. I feel like I can't rest until I make it known. Unless this isn't already obvious, I'm not thinking of doing this out of any belief that Pat might share some of the proceeds with me. It would have made me have more respect for Pat, if Pat had extended an offer, but that's not what I'm expecting to get (or even looking for, really).
Can anybody relate to this? What would you do? I talked with my one really close friend about this, and she's totally on my side in life, but I sensed that she thought I was a little crazy when I bounced this idea off her (she knows Pat, BTW). That was a bit of a reality check on my state of mental health. But then again, she has never had to deal with anything even close to this kind of situation (not the abuse itself, or the nasty parting shot in the will).
I realize that it's almost certain that nothing tangible will come of this, and I guess it's possible (depending upon whether Pat chooses to respond, and what that response is like) that I'll end up feeling even worse. I'm actually not hoping for a response, though. I just need to get this off my chest--expose the hideousness of it. I keep vacillating between sending the message and not. If I don't do it, I think it will eat me alive. I wonder whether the CPTSD itself (e.g., preoccupation with justice) is adding to my insanity over this.

Hi Sad Kid,
Regarding resources for men who were abused by women as boys, you might want to check out the Mental Illness Happy Hour (mentalpod.com), hosted by Paul Gilmartin, who has spoken on the pod as well as in interviews about being molested by his mother, and how that has really caused him problems in life, and how he sometimes feels alone because it's not talked about a lot (even though, it clearly happens). He has gone NC with his mom. The podcast itself is about all flavors of mental illness, not just CSA on boys by a woman, but it's a topic covered in at least a couple of episodes, and on other pods in which he's the interviewee.
He also recommends a book called "Silently Seduced" that covers the topic, which maybe you could check out.
I'm so sorry you went through this. Hugs to you

Thank you for mentioning that, Blueberry. I'm going to check them out

Wow, Phoebes, that is so painful. All of you guys: my heart goes out to you. ;-(
If only the parents could understand (and care) that denying and deflecting just retraumatizes the abused person and widens the gap between family members, making healing and future closeness less and less likely.
And yes, the fact that they deny (gaslighting) so fervently can make you start to wonder, "ARE you overreacting? Maybe it wasn't that bad after all...?", which, in turn, makes the Inner Critic jump in and castigate you for being oversensitive/overly-demanding/spoiled/whatever, and the cycle of misery continues. Once again, it's like you're denied the right to feel (and therefore process) the pain and anger. It's hard to find a way out of the maze.
Good luck, and hugs to you all...

I don't think you do have to give him forgiveness. If you're unable to, then you're unable to.
I personally can't comprehend what "forgiveness" would look like in the case of a perpetrator who not only shows no remorse, but can't even bring himself to acknowledge wrongdoing in the first place. My brain goes blank there

**trigger**
Lily, my F had apparently been abused, too. He never provided details, and I was afraid to ask.
I did, however, one time meekly insinuate that he was being hard on me in a seemingly excessive, unjustified way (his beatings were always way out of step with the severity of my so-called "crimes"). For some reason, on this particular occasion, I felt the need to speak up, though it terrified me. His response was something along the lines of, "WELL, SOME DAY I'LL TELL YOU WHAT MY PARENTS DID TO ME!" There was no debating with him. He pretty much shut it down, right there.
Once I was safe and away from him forever, as an independent adult, I reminded him of this as part of a letter I wrote expressing my grievances, and told him that if he felt he couldn't do better, he should never have had kids. And I still feel that way. It's incomprehensible to me that someone could decide that it's ok to beat their kids if they, themselves, were beaten. I realize it could simply be that "that's all he knew", and also that he was perhaps mentally ill enough not to have solid judgment or rage-control, but I still find that excuse weak and unconvincing. I really wish he had gone to whatever lengths necessary not to bring me into the world, if he couldn't resist beating me. He so clearly didn't want to make the effort to be a good-enough parent (a la Pete Walker).
On a related note, a HAVOCA survey (https://www.havoca.org/havoca-survey/havoca-survey-results/) that was listed in another forum member's recent post has a lot of discussion in the comments about whether we should cut our parents some slack for beating us if they, themselves, were abused. Most posters seem to think "no", but several have called for more understanding. I've tried to give my own F the benefit of the doubt based on what little I know of his own upbringing, but it doesn't really work for me. I'm still enraged and resentful

Thanks for your responses.
Now I'm wondering what I expected. I think I was looking for some vicarious redemption (?)
The betrayal, by parents, is so depressing and gut-wrenching. It shatters hope for trust. It guarantees (for me, anyway) an obsession with justice never realized. I feel so empty over this.
Thank you, also, for the supportive words. I wish you all as best as can be attained/expected on this journey through darkness (at least for me, that's what it keeps feeling like)