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Good luck, so excited for you!

Projecting confidence is very important, so that is good to keep front and center, even if you're not really feeling it and have to put on a bit of an act.

Also, remember that your future boss wants to be able to know that you'll make their life easier if they hire you, so I'd suggest that you frame your answers with that in mind—anticipate, based on the nature of the job, what your boss's needs will be, and respond in ways that show that you've got it covered.

I'm rooting for you, and I believe in you 

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/07/10/style/invisible-disabilities.html

"We don't question whether people with profound mobility challenges can run down the corridor to get the door; we don't ask people on crutches to participate in a dance (though some people who use them can do so). But what are we to make of someone who has to be insulated from extreme stress because she has epileptic seizures when she is strung out? What do we do with someone whose clinical depression prevents him from working efficiently on bad days?"

"The popular belief that disabilities worth taking seriously are evident is often internalized by those on the short end of the comparison, who then find it difficult to deal with others' reactions when they expose their conditions. People who disclose at work can find themselves passed over for promotions and stuck with low salaries. People who disclose socially may encounter personal rejection."

Thank you for being so devoted to your students, rainy. What you do is important, and I'll bet that even if some of your colleagues cannot treat you with respect, your students can feel your caring, and that's got to be having a positive impact in their lives.

Some of my most important adults growing up were teachers, my coach, and youth group leaders. I still reflect upon these folks and was actually able to contact one of them, decades after we'd lost touch, to give her a heartfelt Thank You, so moved was I by her willingness to see me and be there for me during tough times in my youth

The way I currently understand it, the reactivity that follows taking something personally stems from a sense of threat. One reacts in defense to threat. The thing one is defending is one's ego/sense of "self" (felt as being separate from the rest of the world, to a sort of "pathological" degree, I suppose).

Apparently, there are ways to tame the influence of ego, such as (non-dual) meditation or controlled use of certain types psychedelics that reduce activity in certain areas of the brain that enforce that sense of separateness

I'm sorry you're suffering, holidayay. I totally relate, too

open plan office of 80

I've always thought this setup sounded nightmarish... as if the sea-of-cubicles concept wasn't bad enough. It's hard for me to tune out my environment—don't know how ppl manage it

Hi Lostgirl,
Welcome to the forum.
Parental denial of abuse ("gaslighting") is very common, and is probably more the rule than the exception, at least based on my informal observations from reading material online. It's quite maddening, and for my part, I think I would have had an easier go at healing and forgiving if my own father had owned up to his behavior towards me and my sibling. If it's any consolation, please know that you're not alone.
Different adult children have different approaches to dealing with parents in denial. It's important, though, to honor your needs regarding safety and healing, whatever they may be. There's no one-size-fits all with this kind of situation

I am ready to try again today.

That's wonderful! 

providing homes and food for insects in my garden

I think that's lovely

Working was always hard for me, but somehow I managed it for 34 years—mostly full-time, but sometimes (in the early days when I was still in school) juggling multiple part-time gigs. I always had tremendous difficulty focusing and "staying present". And then, as the years wore on, my youthful vigor and sense of need to "survive at all costs" diminished, as my pile of triggers grew higher and higher. It was so hard to continue to tolerate 40+ hours/week of forced interactions with other humans largely not of my choosing (coworkers, contractors, collaborators, the general public that I served...). I could sense that my functionality was deteriorating under the weight of my CPTSD symptoms and was also starting to get autoimmune problems, which are at times debilitating, and I feared them worsening if I kept trying to go at the rate that I was.

Even though I'd previously been ambitious (driven by fear of poverty, not by any kind of passion whatsoever), I reached a point where I was unable to bring myself to do any more than the absolute bare minimum to hold on to my job. Some of my coworkers were starting to notice my lack of drive and made occasional jarring comments that just added to my already crushing sense of shame. I felt so bad about myself. Eventually I found myself thinking, "Well, why am I killing myself just to keep my head above water in the workforce, when my life doesn't even have any meaning?" I gave up because I couldn't hack it anymore. Looking back, I have no idea how I managed to hold on for as long as I did. I know that I'd not be able to pull it off now. It's like I've run out of fuel.

My hat is off to my brothers and sisters with CPTSD who manage to keep going, day in/day out. It's really tough. Although I still beat myself up at times, deep down, I don't think that anyone in our situation who is having trouble working should feel bad about it. The odds are stacked against us, and I suspect we're all doing the best that we can, no matter what that may be.

Dear Slim, this is just an idea.... What if the ugliness you're feeling is actually pain? And what if your singing conveys that pain in a way that helps others, who may also be hurting? What if you can heal a little bit, and help others heal a little bit, by sharing, by giving some light to the pain, by opening the way for some release from it? You're human and you deserve to feel your own worth and find your voice. You have been caring to others on here—so I know you're not ugly inside

Please don't second-guess your right to sing and be heard

BP, you have a lot going on. And to be in a position where you can't get some distance from your abusers sounds like a nightmare, especially since the first step in trying to heal is to remove the sources of trauma. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

I was once talking with a non-CPTSD person about my experience of life after having marinated in trauma for my first decade+. I came up with an analogy that felt appropriate: all humans are swimming upstream, but CPTSD makes it feel like the river is made of molasses. It can be really tough and exhausting just to accomplish "basic" tasks.

You're not alone  I wish I could share a magic formula for coping, but I haven't figured it out yet

.
Here is my most recent hypothesis about my recovery:
Step one: Deal with how I was trained to think about myself. This means issues like:  inner critic, right to be alive, right to have choices, deserving good things, using my voice, it's okay to make mistakes and take risks, self-trust. I recently learned a word that sums it up: Self-honoring.
Step two: Deal with how I was trained to think about people: This means issues like: they are not all dangerous, I can ask them questions, their questions are not attacks on me,  I can have relationships with those that I choose to and can leave those I don't want to be around.
Step three: Deal with how I was trained to think about the world: Issues like culture, religion, politics, environment, etc.

I find that hierarchy to be a useful framing (thank you).

I could see Step 2 also including something like: people's treatment of me isn't necessarily all about me (e.g., an indictment of my character)—it may be a reflection of their own "baggage" that they're projecting/transferring onto to me, so I don't always have to internalize it or take it personally (this is a big issue for me that I continue to need to remind myself and work on)

I did this at the very end of my last job, but in my case, I hadn't planned to do it. It came up spontaneously in conversation (but at least it was with someone I really trust). Afterwards, I started to worry about maybe having said too much, e.g., possibly burdening my coworker with TMI (or maybe I was just being paranoid—? I guess I'll never know...)

I can understand the desire to do this, though. It's terrible to have to hold everything inside all the time, and I also found the work environment to be very triggering (worsened by having to spend most waking hours there). It's like, the place where you're most likely to need support is the place where you're most expected to hide your struggles. Argh!

Good luck, rainy, however you decide to proceed.

I'm sorry that the frog died 

It makes perfect sense to me why that would make you sad, and I think it's beautiful that you cared about him or her