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Messages - bee

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106
General Discussion / Re: Social anxiety and medium chill
« on: September 26, 2014, 06:57:36 PM »
Ahh, the "people are dangerous" symptom. Yes. Sharing my emotions or opinions is generally a terrifying thought. I had to listen to my M's diatribes, and be ready with the correct 'opinions' to add to the conversation. Reassuring her that I see the world the same way she does, and essentially inflating her ego.

Conversations feel like landmines to me. Learning to have a conversation without sharing an opinion is something I'm working on. Sounds weird that it terrifies me to share an opinion, and yet I have to learn not to. When I talk to someone I read them. Then I say what I think they want to hear. So I never share MY opinions, but feel I have to inflate their ego by agreeing with them. I think this turns nonPD people off, and attracts PDs, the opposite of what I want.

I have made progress though. Last time I saw my in-laws I expressed my opinion that I knew they would not agree with. It caused me anxiety, but the world did not end(as I always feel that it will). I've known them for 20 years, and they are very kind, they are not perfect, but they are safe and caring.

I like the thought of using MC when I don't feel safe with people. I think I will try that.

I had not made the association of feeling trapped by someone who talks and talks. WOW! Might explain why I sometimes want to scream at my FIL, who tends toward aspergers-esque monologues.

107
Family of Origin (FOO) / Re: Family of Origin (FOO)
« on: September 26, 2014, 06:09:56 PM »
I can relate to this. It is so hard. I am sorry you feel alone in dealing with the fallout, it sucks. :hug:

I've had NC with my parents for about 8 years. Just this year I've started to see that my relationship with my brother and sister is mostly based on what I wish it would be. I thought we were super close, and that they would do anything for me, as I would do, and have done for them. Now I can see that they seem to have unconsciously picked up on my M's opinions of me. Weak, too sensitive, always wrong, immature, etc. I've been grieving the loss of those relationships. Though they never existed IRL, they were very real in my head, and now they are gone. We still talk, but I find myself using MC with them.

I too am so relieved to have access to others who understand via this forum.

108
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: Does it scare you?
« on: September 26, 2014, 04:23:29 AM »
Scares me too. Reading authors who understand the effects of trauma is validating and scary.

The last year has been my lowest. I compare myself to my siblings, who choose to ignore stuff as much as they can. They acknowledge that our childhood was wrong, but somehow keep themselves in denial at the same time. Anyway, they seem to be carrying on with life normally. While it seems that my CPTSD symptoms are increasing. I worry that soon I will be a complete recluse, reliant on my husband for everything. I know I shouldn't compare, but it is impossible not to. I hate that I am so affected. I fight hard to overcome it. But it is exhausting. There are days that I feel like I am dragging myself on my stomach through mud with barbed wire overhead, land mines everywhere, and bombs going off.

Just this week I asked my T if it is going to get better, cause it feels like it is getting worse. She assured me that it will. She said to accept my limitations(to not push myself to hard), and to think about asking for support from my H. He would I know, but I am fiercely independent. Asking for support is the hardest thing I can think of. She has said before that a persons mind only brings up what they are strong enough to deal with at the time. If that's the case my mind has a lot of faith in my strength right now.

109
Emotional Abuse / Re: "Just" emotional abuse
« on: September 25, 2014, 04:35:08 AM »
It has been very difficult for me to admit I was abused. Made more difficult by my M going on about what a good Mother she is. She made a big deal about not physically beating us. Making sure I always understood that all difficulties were my fault. I was in so much mental pain as a kid, that I used to wish that she would hut me so that there would be evidence. She also brainwashed me with programming that all therapist and psychiatrist are shady. That they will all implant false memories, and they will all blame the mother. My M thinks ahead.

So it took me until my late 20s to see a T. I worked with her for about three years on coping skills, never once thinking that my M was not how all mothers are. I finally grasped reality in my 30's after going back to T due to a difficult life event. CPTSD symptoms escalated after I spent time with my mother last fall following about 8 years NC.
I still sometimes doubt myself that it was 'that bad'. More evidence of brainwashing I think.

I too have done EMDR. It works for me, BUT I would still caution those who are thinking about it. I worked with my T for years before we tried it. We started on things that were only mildly upsetting to me. She taught me how to calm myself, and we practiced it, a lot. She stops the EMDR, and goes through the calming routine frequently. Even with all this I had a session that I couldn't breathe at the beginning of processing the memory(I was terrified). It got better though. I am always exhausted afterward.

I love the suggestion to remove reminders of the past. That is self care that I can grasp. I have a tendency to think 'that should not bother me', and therefore spend energy trying to ignore it. It is very normalizing to see that it is ok to remove the thing that is bothering me. Now to try to pay attention to what triggers me that I can change.


110
General Discussion / Re: Brainwashing...?
« on: September 25, 2014, 03:48:08 AM »
I know I was brainwashed. The only valid opinions were my uPDM's.

I remember learning about the difference between fact and opinion one day in school. It was the first time I understood that opinions can't be wrong. Unfortunately I was still naive enough to think that M just didn't have that little piece of information. I went home so excited to explain the difference to her. I explained that I could have a diffferent opinion than her. She said, "not when your opinion is wrong you can't". Then she ranted about about how stupid educators were.

When I was growing up my term for brainwashing/gas lighting/manipulation done to me by M was 'mind f**king'. I didn't know at the time how spot on that descriptor was.

I haven't been brave enough to read anything about brainwashing.

111
I did not use any supplements from Dr. Wilson. I just looked at his website, and it's changed a lot. It used to be mostly information. Bleah. Check to see if your library has his book.

I go to a naturopath, and follow her recommendations. But here are some things that are general that helped.

I made a list if people/things that are draining(energy robbers), making sure to be honest with myself. I was surprised that emotional things are far more energy depleting that physical ones. I used to think only doing things that were physically taxing could wear me out. I would be confused as to how I could be tired the day after having a Dr. appt. when that was all I had done. Accepting that people/emotions deplete my energy, and giving myself permission to limit them helped me.

Also, just plain resting. My naturopath suggested that I stay in bed until 9am everyday that I could, and to get as much sleep as possible. She also encouraged me to take naps, and to lie down as much as possible. That was difficult, as I was taught that these are things that lazy people do(argh! stupid brainwashing) , but it made a difference. My adrenals were pretty depleted, so it took a long time to recover. I was feeling a lot better after 1 1/2 - 2 years.

I would say the main thing is you have to figure out how to reduce your stressors so that you can rest your adrenals. In order to reduce your exposure to stressors, you have to admit to yourself what they are. Stressors/energy robbers can be physical actions, emotions, or people. And when you can't avoid them, cut yourself some slack. Know that you will be tired, and plan for it. When you have to deal with someone/something stressful, try to take something else off your todo list for the day.

Sorry I took so many words to express myself, hope it makes sense.

112
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Self-Soothing
« on: September 19, 2014, 04:23:28 AM »
pam - yes that's what I mean. Thank you for understanding.

schrodinger's cat - I also feel very uneasy when things are going well. Anytime I got to feeling too good about anything my uPDM would swoop in and do something that would make me wish nothing good would ever happen to me again. Thank you for showing me the connection.

Annegirl- thank you for the Pete Walker reference about self abandonment, I will look into that.

Kizzie - thank you for sharing that you too have experienced this. I think my T saw how difficult soothing is for me, and that's why she taught me how to calm myself with a peaceful place in my head.

Because of suggestions on here I asked my inner child what she wanted to do when I was upset earlier this week. She said she wanted to draw. So I got some paper and crayons and was calm in minutes. It is sort of letting my inner child soothe herself, but it worked.


113
I have adrenal fatigue. It is not recognized by mainstream medicine. Only Cushing's syndrome is. Cushing's is when your body has almost completely stopped making cortisol.
James Wilson is a good place to start your research online. He also has a comprehensive book called Adrenal Fatigue. He has a couple ways to test yourself for adrenal fatigue, but if you really want to know where your body is at it would be best to take a 24 cortisol salivary test.
You can order one online. You get a box with plastic vials. You fill the vials with your saliva, four times throughout a 24 hour period. You mail the vials to the testing company that you ordered it from, and wait for your results. The test show your cortisol level throughout the day. It's helpful to have a medical professional explain the results, but not absolutely necessary, in my opinion.
If you go to a Dr. and they recommend a urinary cortisol test, it will tell you nothing. Cortisol naturally changes throughout the day. High in the am, and low at night. A urinary test will only tell you the average level.
I see a naturopath/acupuncturist to help me with recovery.
Adrenal fatigue results when the body can not keep up with the demand for cortisol. Cortisol is the hormone that is produced by the body to deal with stress. PD people create a stressful environment, that's the connection.


114
Medication / Re: Self medicating
« on: September 16, 2014, 09:50:05 PM »
For me it's always been sugar. I used to do a lot of cardio as well. I got a good runners high from it. But since learning that I have adrenal fatigue, that's off the table for now. That means the sugar becomes a problem as well, no way to burn it off. I've stayed off sugar for as long as two years in the past. Just stopped sugar again recently, gained 20 lbs this year, but have nothing to replace it with.

I'm too afraid of prescription pharmaceuticals, so those are not an option. I've never been able to do drugs as I'm terrified of being out of control of my self. Don't even like taking pain meds when I have dental work done. I always knew if I ever ended up addicted to anything that there would be no-one there to help me. So I just stayed away. I like having 1-2 beers if I am alone with my H. I find that it can help me relax for 2-3 hours. But, drinking often affects my sleep, so it's not a great tradeoff.

I'm contemplating high CBD MJ. CBD alleviates anxiety, while THC can induce a panic attack. If the THC is low enough, then there shouldn't be a high, just a reduction in pain and anxiety. It's medically legal here, although not for anxiety, I do have ongoing pain, so I could maybe get an ok under that. My research so far shows that trauma affects cannaboid receptors in the brain, and taking CBD can help alleviate the affects of that. However, there is a chance of getting dependent on it. As in when you use it a lot, for years and years, when you stop using it you might have more anxiety. This is just research on-line, not substantiated. I've never even smoked a cigarette, so I find it odd that I'm contemplating this, but I'm getting desperate for some relief. I've even talked to my T about it, and she supports the idea. I'm too afraid of prescription pharmaceuticals, so those are not an option.

I also play games and read. When my brain is being really loud I watch TV and play games like Candy Mania at the same time.

115
Thanks for posting this sasha. Lately I've been putting off going to bed, trying to explain to T why. This helps me understand myself a little, and it helps so much to know I'm not alone in my struggles.
When I turn off the light to go to sleep, if I am not tired enough, it hits. First off, like you, I am safe in my bed, safe in my house. 99% of the time there is nothing for me to worry about, but that does not stop my brain. It finds something, anything, to panic about. When this happens, sleep is impossible until about 2-3 in the morning.
Lately I have been trying to connect with my body more(as recommended by Peter Levine - good books on trauma). I think this is resulting in me being less dissociated. That's good, but I have no experience dealing with feelings, and this means I feel raw and exposed. I have been attributing it to anxiety, but maybe there is a flashback/inner child component there. I will bring this up to my T to discuss.

116
Introductory Post / bee
« on: September 16, 2014, 05:42:14 PM »
Hi,
My mother is uPD, she has BPD, NPD, and ASPD traits. My father is enabling. Main methods of abuse were verbal and emotional. Lots of psychotic rages. I have been NC about 9 years. I was re traumatized last year when I saw my M at a family gathering. My siblings agree that she was abusive, they support me, but are still in contact.
Since a year ago the EFs have ramped way up. I have very little if any trust. I have anxiety, and adrenal fatigue.
I have a good T and read a lot to try to understand more and find more tools to help me.
It is nice to find a place where others understand my day to day experiences.
Bee

117
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Self-Soothing
« on: September 16, 2014, 05:15:01 PM »
What do you do if self soothing is triggering? Has anyone else experienced this?
I believe self soothing is supposed to be calming, but even reading the lists of what to do makes me cry. It's like my inner child is sooo desperate for what she never got, that even the thought of getting a little soothing sends her over the edge. I've tried self soothing when I am upset, and it seems to result is an escalation of crying, up until I am so upset, that I am upset over being upset. I would feel like a complete ninny admitting this, but it is not a choice I make, it happens no matter how hard I fight it. I've even tried the opposite, of just going with it, same thing, a sobbing mess.
The only thing that works is to detach. My T has helped me create a 'peaceful place' in my head. If I concentrate I can focus on that, and go there in my head, then I can calm down.
This topic has been very helpful, in that I now realize that thinking of self soothing triggers an EF.
My uPDM was one who liked to say, 'I'll give you something to cry about.' So no soothing there. And my enF said 'Don't upset your M, you know how she is.' so no protection there.

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