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I also had an abusive M and a father who let it happen(an enabler). My feelings for my father have been mixed, until recently, when I finally saw that his biggest concern has always been, and will always be, keeping M happy.

So much of what your mother did my M(I can not call her mother) did also. Accuse me of lying, use information against me, play the victim, call me ungrateful, etc. I too was the scapegoat.

I understand all too well how confusing it all is. I feel like the memories are a giant knotted ball of twine in my head, with ends sticking out everywhere. Near impossible to untangle.

Welcome Ellen E.
I can relate to having a chronic illness, though I have adrenal fatigue. I believe it is at least partially caused by being traumatized, it's like being kicked while you are already knocked out.
I can also relate to wanting to isolate. Try to be kind to yourself, go as slow as you need to. Feel free to participate when you feel it is right.
Not happy for the circumstances that brought you here, but happy that you have found others who understand.

Yeah...my M loves that 'game'. It is sick. I maintain that these type of beings are not human. Humans have empathy, they do not.

I think you are going in the right direction to be able to see that this is something you want to change. You are taking responsibility for your actions, apologizing ect. Making a mistake does not make you a bad person, it only means you are a human being who wants to make a better choice in the future.

A familiar pattern for me was a need to be in control of the chaos that I expected to happen after a period of calm. Let me explain. Growing up my household never stayed calm. Periods of relative calm were always punctuated by huge rages from my M. My only source of control was sometimes setting her off on purpose. It sounds sick, but domestic abuse victims often do this. Everyone needs to have a feeling of control. Later in my life, away from M, I would get very anxious when things were going well for awhile. I would have this feeling of impending doom. Until I figured out that I was following this pattern set by my mother, I would either have to create chaos, or live with the feeling of impending doom.
No idea if that is a pattern that you had in your life. I thought of it because you said this happened when things were going well.

Things to ponder, I don't expect answers. Any idea what your trigger was to start on Friday? Anyway to stop this pattern from repeating in the future? Is there a different way you can blow off steam? Going for walk, dancing wildly with the curtains drawn, screaming into a pillow, doing artwork/crafts, talking to someone/a hotline?

Remember to treat yourself as you would a good friend, with compassion.

You will be missed while you are away, but I'm so glad you are taking care of yourself.

I did some reasearch on David Berceli. His research is in releasing trauma through letting the body tremble. You might find it interesting.
http://www.bercelifoundation.org/s/1340/aff_2_home.aspx?sid=1340&gid=1&pgid=61&cid=160
He thinks it is actually best if you don't think about where the trauma comes from, just let your body move how it needs to.
He's figured out a sequence of simple exercises that use main muscle groups to start the trembling when you are in a safe controlled environment.
It's based on how wild animals shake after a traumatic event.

I don't have any resources to share, sorry.

I have huge trust issues. This is how I am approaching it. I'm making it up as I go.

Turns out I did not even trust myself. Why should I? I continually put myself in harms way, even after I was an adult and supporting myself. I still forced myself to interact with my abusers (my parents). True I didn't know any better, but from my inner child's perspective that is a lousy excuse.

So I am working on proving that I am trustworthy. When I tell myself that I will take a break I do. When I promise myself a reward for doing something hard, I follow thru. When I notice that I am uncomfortable in a situation I leave if at all possible. In other words I am trying to be a good enough parent to myself.

I think once I have earned the right to be trusted by my inner child I will be able to see when others have earned the right to be trusted.

Thanks for the link. Finally felt ready to look at this. Read the FAQs.
I also numb out a lot, but I can't figure out where this fits in the listed types on dissociation.

I do have dissociative amnesia. I have time I can't remeber from childhood, some recovered. I also often lose small amounts of time, like the website said, I have to scramble to catch up on a conversation, or realize that I don't know what was said in the previous minute of a tv show.

I took it twice.
Once answering as I would have 10 years ago- 95 (all red).
Once answering for how I feel now- 60 (3 red / 4 yellow).
It's nice to see that I've made progress.
It's hard to imagine me in an emotional place that would show an equal amount of green and yellow. But if I've come this far, who knows what's possible.

My T reframed this for me.
She asked me to think of a time when I did something nice for someone I care about. Something that I wanted to do for them. She asked me to remember how i felt doing the nice thing. Of course it felt good.
Then she asked why I want to deny others that good feeling?
Made me stop and think.
I'm still not good at accepting kindness, but this way of reframing it is helping the most so far.

What you are going through is difficult. I don't think you should feel guilty about how your T may or may not feel, this is her job. My T had to put in a lot of years to gain my trust, and there are levels of trust. It sounds like you might be at the edge of trusting her on a new level, that is hard, especially if you have had your trust violated in the past.

It's kind of eerie, but I think I've written something similar to this in my journal in the past. I think I know what you mean. But, no worries if I'm off base. Just try to be as gentle with yourself as you can.

I just don't know if I have it in me to continue. I Know where it will lead me if I don't. But I'm less afraid of that. I'm so terrified. Terrified of losing control, that I'm losing even more of myself in the process of trying to hold on to the control I have now. I don't know if I'm making sense. I just can't seem to find my way. I'm so hurt. I'm usually very numb, but I've been feeling a lot and I think I know some of why that's happening, but at the same time don't allow myself to go there. I'm so afraid of being vulnerable and feeling, but feeling overwhelmed at the same time anyway without even going there, if that makes sense?

It sounds like you are overwhelmed. Trauma can disrupt the body's natural ability to self regulate. What this means is when a person who has been traumatized starts to feel, the feelings just get bigger and bigger, and the body can not naturally calm itself down. It's similar to when a toddler starts crying because they are tired, but then keeps crying louder and louder and is almost impossible to soothe. If you google

You might want to try some ways to soothe yourself.
I found this website, I read one of Peter levine's books and found it really good.
http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=234
Or try breathing exercises, or whatever you've found to be calming for you.

You're not alone.

I can only speak for my experiences.

I seem to remember things on a pace that I can deal with. There seems to be a direct correlation between the time and energy I have available and the amount of stuff that surfaces. When I have a lot going on, not much comes to the surface. When nothing is going on, memories become more clear. It has never been a flood. It has been difficult at times, but nothing at all like it was when I was actually living through it.

I can relate.

All the stuff you said about your interactions with your mother, I've lived that. I have NC now, so I don't fall into the trap of taking care of her anymore, but the way she taught me to be has far reaching consequences.

Recently, with regard to relationships with my siblings, I asked my T what I should do to make sure they are not hurt. She said, "It's not your job." I was confused and dumbfounded. It took me several moments to respond, and I said "What do you mean it's not my job. Of course it's my job. It's always been my job to protect everyone else's feelings." She said "It's your job to take care of yourself, they are adults and can take care of theirselves." It is so ingrained, that even though I get logically that this is true, it is very hard to put into practice. And, I do see that it puts me at a huge disadvantage in the world.

It is a terrible position to put a child in, and an even worse lesson to teach a child.

Does anyone else have gaps or fuzzy recollections of entire periods of time?   

Too many. I call it Swiss cheese brain. I told someone that I'd never been to a certain city. Several years later I remembered that we had taken a family vacation there. I had totally blanked it out. I asked my siblings for details and it turns out that my m was hyper stressed on that trip, so probably things did not go well. So I blanked it. Still have hardly any memories of the events. That's a big one, but there are a ton of small ones. Sometimes makes me wonder what else is in my head that I don't currently have access to.

Your outcome is wonderful news. You acted in such a brave way. Wow! Congrats!