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Messages - bee

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First understanding that I was actually trying to be controlling by being “nice” was a difficult concept for me. 

I learned to do this in order to try to appease my M. don't know that it ever really worked, but I felt like it gave me some control over the situation. Now I have to stop myself from trying to control my H's moods with this technique. My H does not act out in anger, but when i sense that anyone around me is getting angry I want to do anything I can to prevent it. Anger in my past was life threatening. I am having to learn that people can get angry, that it is ok, and most do not use it against others.

I do try to step back from events and see them from a different perspective. This is hard when most events that I need to analyze are ones that throw me into an EF. Being rational in an EF is like climbing Mt. Everest.

I also get stuck in this thought pattern. Something happens, I feel a certain way. I can honor my feelings, which always means go away and be alone. Or, I can try to analyze the situation and act differently, which means staying with the people I am around. But, this means I would be acting against what I know to be true. If I continually act against my nature I will never be able to trust myself.

VeryFoggy - I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. It sucks when someone you thought you could trust, fails so completely. You were not wrong to invite her. She was wrong to invite someone else before consulting with you. This is just basic manners. That she invited someone she knows you aren't speaking to is way beyond bad manners. I think the very least that could be expected would be an apology from her. But, it sounds like that did not happen. While I can't do it yet myself, I know that it is ok to stand up for yourself. I think writing a short e-mail would be appropriate. Yours seems fine to me. Do what you need to do to honor yourself.

Distorted thought patterns, that I can remember in five minutes, that I have recognized in myself.

Everything is my fault. It is me against the world. Everyone is always looking for my faults. I should not exist. Everything I do is wrong. Everything I say is wrong. Everything I think is wrong. If I let people know me they will hate me. No one else is like me. I will never be good enough. I am unforgivable. I am unlovable. I do not deserve nice things. I should make do with the scraps. It is bad to be noticed. I made her hate me. Her rages were my fault.

Distorted emotional/behavior patterns that I can remember in five minutes that I have recognized in myself.

I push others away by being the antagonist, if only in my own head. I don't respond or respond really slowly when others have reached out to me. I have chosen to spend time with very broken people in the past, so that I am not the most broken one (relief through schadenfreude). I assume that everything I say or do will be used against me in the future, it is a very limiting way to live. I do not let others get to know me. I used to act like I had it all together. I do not reach out to others. I try to be invisible.

I have worked through a lot of these, but not all. I see them as well worn paths in my mind. For some I have started to make new tracks, but it is still easy to slip into the old paths that have deep ruts and are hard to get out of.

Medication / Re: Anyone else scared of psychiatric medication?
« on: May 12, 2015, 04:00:58 AM »
I made a point of telling my T when I started with her that I would not take any. I fear losing control of me. I feel there is so little of me left, that I have to gaurd it fiercely. She has asked a few times if I have changed my mind about it, but never in a forceful way.

Recently I had my genome mapped and found that if I would have taken an SSRI it most likely would have really messed me up. Something about how my neurotransmitters don't clear things through as fast as they should.

I know many people who say meds have helped them.

Situations where I'm likely to act aggressive are when I get tired. For instance doing yard work. When I start cussing under my breath at the weeds, or branches or whatever I'm dealing with, I know it's past time to stop. Or working at the computer I start hitting the keys really hard when something doesn't go like I want it to.

Are these things I need to put a stop to? I know acting out like this is not the best choice, but is it completely unacceptable human behavior?

I also have a question about self directed aggression. Outside of sometimes swearing at inanimate objects the only person I show aggression to is myself. I do this with how I talk to myself inside my head. It also sometimes manifests in my driving myself to do more than I am capable of, ending in physical exhaustion. I'm trying to replace the mean/condescending tapes in my head with more encouraging ones. I know I'm not where I want to be, because when I compare what I think to myself, with what I would say to another person, the other person script is always much more empathatic and kind. Does anyone else struggle with this?

I also have a problem with being too submissive. I won't do anything I don't agree with, but I often do not speak my opinions. Though I recently had a breakthough and did. It was terrifying, but the world continued to spin on its axis. I think learning to do this regularly will help with the anger I have toward myself. I think the constant lack of sticking up for myself is part of what makes me angry with myself.

I was taught that I was not allowed to defend myself. To give you an idea how ingrained this was with me. 20 years ago I decided to learn a martial art so that I could protect myself. I chose aikido as it is the least aggressive one I could find. There were moves we were taught to disarm an attacker with a knife, then use that knife to stab their hand to the floor while we got away. Even in practice, with an invisible knife, I was not able to do that. My instructor tried to reason with me, explained that in this situation I was being attacked, I needed to defend myself. I could not do it. I simply couldn't complete the physical motions. I will bring this up to my T, during my M's verbal assaults, if I made an attempt to defend myself against her attacks she would get more vicious. We will do EMDR to picture me defending myself against her, I think that will help. This matters because a healthy part of anger is using it to defend oneself.

I've started writing angry letters, no intention of sending, as VeryFoggy suggested. That is a helpful outlet. I've also had a few EMDR sessions that revealed instances of how I had felt I let myself down, I was able to forgive myself for those things. Also helpful. I'd love to hear other things that people are doing to channel their anger.

It is very hard for me to access my anger at my abusers. I worked with my T for years before I could admit to having anger. Maybe because of this, and because she knows I am not capable of acting on my anger, she encourages any hints if anger she sees. I can tell she wants me to be able access it. I have started to in small amounts. My M was the only one who was allowed to angry, so I stuffed all these feelings far, far down.

Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: The will to live
« on: May 10, 2015, 09:25:09 PM »
I read on a site whose link I got here the differences between the two. The biggest thing is that with CPTSD, your belief in life itself is shaken to the core. Being so abused and betrayed, it is easy to see how a person might question god's prevalence, or even existence itself. Might even think god hates you, that you are the butt of some evil practical joke by a sadistic higher being. You ego has been shattered.

Also, there is an added paranoid sense with the CPTSDs over the BPDs. CTPSD has a fear of everything trying to hurt them. Like they have lost everything. Been abandoned by god, the family, maybe the political state. Pure BPDS,  fear abandonment by other people, not necessarily abandoned by god. CPTSD has been abandoned, like biblical Job, by everything, including god.

I've never read this before. I totally relate. Life is a thing to be survived, but not really looking forward to death either because, if there is a god we are going to have words. I used to believe, until I got away and was able to see what she had done to me. I want nothing to do with any higher power that lets that kind of thing go on. I feel like I have been abandoned by everyone/thing. I am on my own, and it would be a mistake to ever rely on someone/thing to have my back.

It is helpful to know that this reaction might be related to CPTSD. It means at some point I might be able to see things differently.

I hate my birthday.

It is on a major holiday. My M told me; when I was young and worried that no one would come to my party; that of course they would, their parents would jump at the chance of getting rid of their children with free child care, so the parents could go out and celebrate. Gee M that helped...not. Now I don't feel like the day is mine, I do not matter compared to a holiday.

I also don't like being the center of attention. I feel like I'm weird for not wanting a party, and weird for not being able to have one if I did, because I don't have friends. So yeah, depressing.

I'm sorry you feel this way though.

Freezing as a form of self sabotage...interesting. Hadn't looked at it that way before, but it is definitely detrimental to me. So I can see that it is. I had only seen it as self-protective.

It is both. Protective in harmful situations, but self-sabotage in everyday life.

Well.... This has provided food for thought.

Kizzie your story about bath day made me laugh. That is so typical of them, and so "off" from normal human behavior.

Here's the situation.
I cut off contact with my parents. My M has some combination of BPD, npd, and sociopathic traits. My F puts her needs above his children's. My siblings still maintain contact, but keep me out of it.

Years passed and I made progress, mentally and physically.

A family crisis came up a couple years ago and I agreed to be in the same house as my M. I had been NC about five years. I thought I would be ok. I was scared yes, but I thought once I actually saw her I would find that things had changed. I didn't think she had changed, I thought I had changed. I thought that since I was an adult now, I would no longer be terrified, that if I saw her I would see that she had no power over me.

When I first saw her there was a greeting equivalent to how you would greet someone after a few days. M had been warned to be on her best behavior by my brother. My siblings both assured me that they would not tolerate any poor behavior from her. I saw her think about starting to cry, then decide against it. I know that sounds weird, but I learned early to read her every facial tick. I held it together about 24 hours. I ate lunch at the same table as her, watched a movie in the same room as her. Thinking the whole time how surreal it was. Wondering why I was the only one who could see how f***ed the situation was. Me sitting at the same table as my abuser. She hardly interacted with me. A good thing, sort of. My father tried hovering, really set my teeth on edge. I thought at least he would care how I was doing, but he was only interested in gathering info for M.

Then I broke. I went to the room I was staying in, went in the closet and sobbed. I was so overwhelmed. Since I had heard that I would be in her presence I had been on high alert. Like on red alert, when you've opened the cover over the red button and your hand is hovering over the button ready to push it. Just her presence made me feel that way. I cried for hours, trying to talk myself out of the closet. I called some people and they were very kind and helpful. I never do this, but i knew it was beyond what I could handle. I finally calmed down after I made the decision to not see M again. I stayed in the room until she was gone.

I feel like a failure. My T assures me that this was a healthy response. It feels weak. My M has taken another 2,3,4? years of my life, as this has set me way back in my recovery. I hate that. I hate that I consented to this. I can logically see that this kind of response is expected when the abuse is physical. My M's primary abuse was verbal and psychological. I have no frame of reference to how people respond when they had this kind of abuse.

Can anyone else relate to reacting so strongly when in the presence of their abuser?

Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: The will to live
« on: May 08, 2015, 06:22:55 PM »
Most of my life I've viewed the future as "I have x number of years to get through." Is this what you mean? I used to think everyone viewed life this way. I brought it up casually in conversations once and was surprised that it was such a foreign concept that people thought I was joking.

I believe that others think in terms of "I only have x number of years to do all the things I want." Or something like that.

I have had glimpses of the second way of thinking, but the majority of my life I would describe as plodding.

I have to say when I have felt, as you say, a will to live, it was such a contrast to my normal way of being that it was a bit unsettling. It felt untenable, maybe that feeling goes away after awhile.

So okay I take on too much responsibility that actually belongs to others.

I can also try to be controlling.

My trust is zero.

I am a recluse.

I don’t call people, they call me.  If I call you?  It’s an emergency.

I have great analytical skills, and can see in my mind the most efficient and effective ways for things to function and flow, I am very good at breaking down processes into steps and revising, changing and eliminating steps to be most efficient.

I hope it's ok VF, that I copied parts from your post. All of the above fits me. The similarity is eerie.

I've gotten better at recognizing when I'm taking too much responsibility, but I still do it. I've also relaxed my control, but it's still way higher than average. A particular thing that I've noticed that I did, and still have to watch out for, is try to 'manage' my husband. I was trained to keep my M calm, to make sure she stayed calm as much as possible. My H is a very calm person, but I noticed that I try to make sure he does not get upset. I have had to learn that getting upset for a normal person is ok. It does not result in an hour long rage fest.

What I am slowly but surely understanding about boundaries is that it is unfair to MYSELF, to hide and conceal my thoughts, beliefs and opinions. And to even give the IMPRESSION that I agree with the other person and the criticism, attack, lie, misperception, sarcastic remark, or whatever they have said?  Is unfair to ME.  I do not have to change them at all.  But I do owe myself equal time, an equal say, and equal share in an opinion about what is being said about me. And if I do not speak up?  I am doing myself AND the other person a disservice.  Because 1) I feel despair because I was not true to myself.  2) The person now believes that I agree with something  they have said that I do NOT agree with.  And that is not fair to them or to me.  I am actually hiding and concealing myself from them and how is that fair to anyone?

This is written so well. Now, how do I get the courage to disagree with someone? Just thinking about it gives me the cold sweats. I know I have to get to this point though.

As the scapegoat in my family, I think masochist is the role I fell into. I felt everything was my responsibility. I felt that others did inferior work that would then reflect on me, so I had a terrible time delegating. That, of course, came to a boiling point, and I stopped doing pretty much everything. I think it's much less of a problem now. I still have that tendency, but I'm aware of it and can stop myself. Oddly, I never connected it to self sabotage. Going above and beyond, and driving yourself to accomplish as much as possible seems to be seen as a good thing in our society. I can see how it is self sabotage though.

Emotional Abuse / Re: Emotional abuse and neglect (TRIGGERS, maybe)
« on: May 04, 2015, 05:52:50 AM »
I also had an abusive M and a father who let it happen(an enabler). My feelings for my father have been mixed, until recently, when I finally saw that his biggest concern has always been, and will always be, keeping M happy.

So much of what your mother did my M(I can not call her mother) did also. Accuse me of lying, use information against me, play the victim, call me ungrateful, etc. I too was the scapegoat.

I understand all too well how confusing it all is. I feel like the memories are a giant knotted ball of twine in my head, with ends sticking out everywhere. Near impossible to untangle.

Introductory Post / Re: Hello, I'm New Here
« on: May 04, 2015, 05:36:01 AM »
Welcome Ellen E.
I can relate to having a chronic illness, though I have adrenal fatigue. I believe it is at least partially caused by being traumatized, it's like being kicked while you are already knocked out.
I can also relate to wanting to isolate. Try to be kind to yourself, go as slow as you need to. Feel free to participate when you feel it is right.
Not happy for the circumstances that brought you here, but happy that you have found others who understand.

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