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Messages - bee

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Going to my T the first time(many years ago now), was so hard for me. My m harped about how t's can't be trusted. I was a kid when there was a big deal made about some case where kids came forward with false memories. My m milked that for all she could. My m also made vague threats that t's throw people in the "nut house"(her words). I had no idea what expect, scared to death at my first appointment, but knew that despite my fear I had to go. I can't remember how many appointments I cried through before I was able to articulate anything. Although I've been seeing my T for years I only recently began to really trust her. I've also recently made a leap to trust my H(20+years) to help me through rough patches. The trust part is allowing him to see my rough patches.

General Discussion / Re: Am I still re-creating abandonment?
« on: February 27, 2015, 10:32:21 PM »
I'm just coming out of a several month long lurking mode.
Just want to say, yes, yes , yes.
This is what I do to.
Like schrodinger's cat said, I was socialized to know that I will not be welcomed for an extended stay. (And yes cat, I too thought the loneliness was a teenage drama thing, but now I think that's just what my mother wanted me to think, so I wouldn't blame her, and so she could continue to victimize me) There was another post somewhere on the board that  described an encounter with a relative(father I think) where the person was trying to get the father's attention, and the father turned to them and said/snarled "I heard you the first time." This sums up what I expect to happen if I don't exit/disengage myself.
If I am truely honest, my desperation for a shred of human contact drives me to endure the very short very shallow conversations that I have been taught is all that others can tolerate of me. I too often have the thought that I must protect others from myself. I am amazed to see that others have thought this. I actually hate shallow conversation, but I take what scraps I can get when my loneliness gets overwhelming.
I leave/end relationships as described by voicelessagony2. The reasons are 1.) to avoid the pain of rejection 2.) to minimize the potential sources of attack/annihilation.
Some explanation for 2.) my experience being raised by my mother taught me anyone who you are in a relationship with is just gathering information about you that they will later use against you. They will use their knowledge of you as a person and what you have said or done in the past, and twist things to show that you are a terrible unlovable person. It's hard to describe this, but it is soul crushing. fyi my mother seems to have sociopathic, narcissistic, and borderline traits, so imagine what that sort of person is capable of doing.
Back to the original question. I was not physically abandoned by my parents, but they were never available emotionally. For me it is becoming clear that I was not taught how to securely attach.

Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: The Vast Grey Ocean
« on: February 19, 2015, 07:28:26 AM »
Your explaination of how your mother used/took/invalidated others emotions is spot on for my mother as well. I was especially stunned at how you described your mothers reaction to tragic news stories. My mother does that too.
Also, I get the ingrained invalidation. I too have internalized my mothers invallidation to the point of disbelieving my own experiences, physical and especially emotional.
My mother is also a master of using humiliation.
Thank you for sharing.
In my imagination I've given you a luxury yacht to make your time on the vast grey ocean more comfortable.(hope that is ok)

The Cafe / Re: Who Are You?
« on: October 27, 2014, 04:43:01 AM »
I really like black licorice, even though I used to hate it.
Recently started sampling some of the salted kinds.
World Market sells Katjes brand. They have Salty Herring; sweet and salty and soft, very good. The Kinder cats are a good hard small licorice.
Just tried Venco Double Zout. That is pucker your mouth salty, but I kinda like it. An acquired taste I think.
Gimbal's Scottie dogs are a good plain black soft licorice.
I also like Allsorts.

Medication / Re: Uninterrupted Sleep Tips?
« on: October 17, 2014, 10:27:08 PM »
I think light exposure matters when it comes to sleep. I use a blue light in the morning, if it's not sunny. Then put on orange glasses after sunset to minimize my blue light exposure after dark. I think light in the am and dark in the pm helps to keep my internal clock on the right circadian rythm. No blue light in the bedroom at night. I found a clock with a red display, and any nightlights I have are also in the red spectrum. If I'm sleeping in a room with light seeping in I use a sleep mask. Also, I use ear plugs sometimes to keep noise out.

General Discussion / Re: Functioning "in public", collapsing in private
« on: October 16, 2014, 04:49:06 AM »
So much of what has been described in this thread mirrors my experiences. I'm sure to acquaintances I seem fine, but at home, alone, after being in public, I collapse. Being in public is like running a race. The finish line is the door to my house, and when I enter, I can finally stop running. I am not a person who would ever just stop running while on the course, no matter how tired, or sore I might be.

I have been aware of this for some time, and do try to be more aware of my energy level. If I'm feeling tired I try to say no to social obligations, though they are already so few, that I feel guilty doing so, though I know I shouldn't. I also try to expect down time. For instance the day after a social evening my to do list should consist of sitting on the couch, and having reheated meals. When I do this, I do bounce back faster, but sometimes "puritanical" guilt gets in the way. As in feeling that I have no right to be tired, and I should do laundry or clean or something. That only results in me mentally kicking myself as  I sit on the couch. Even though in both scenarios I sit on the couch, in the guilt ridden one I do not end up feeling refreshed. So, in my experience, giving yourself permission to have recovery time is important.

The Cafe / Re: Who Are You?
« on: September 30, 2014, 09:29:12 PM »
Rain - I find with white tea, a little goes a long way. One ounce, lasts me quite a while. The directions say to use a tablespoon per cup, I usually use closer to 1 teaspoon, and steep that 3 times. Maybe that's weird...

The Cafe / Re: Who Are You?
« on: September 30, 2014, 07:54:48 PM »
I just put the loose leaves in the cup. Sometimes air bubbles stick to the leaves and make them float. I mash the leaves against the side of the cup with the back of a spoon to pop the air bubbles, then they sink to the bottom. It's a bit of a hassle sometimes. Once at the bottom they stay there, just don't drink the last 1/2 inch. Then add more hot water for your second and third cup.  I use a clear glass mug, and I like the visual of the leaves on the bottom of the cup. Kinda reminds me of seaweed swaying at the bottom of the ocean. Part of the advantage of a good quality loose leaf is that there are more whole leaves, I can't say that my taste buds are discerning enough to know the difference, but watching the leaves unfurl in the cup is satisfying.
For those who don't want the visual, you can get bags to put the loose leaf tea in, or use a tea ball or filter, or there are insulated tea bottles with a built in filter.

General Discussion / Re: More on being alone
« on: September 30, 2014, 03:47:50 PM »
My mother also did the verbal knock while simultaneously opening the door. I thought nothing of it until I read your post. :aaauuugh: really she had me that brainwashed. See she went on and on about how she was a great mother because she allowed me to have my door closed, she didn't even have a bedroom door, she said. I discounted how I felt about her barging in, because she over-layed those feelings with her 'you're supposed to be grateful' feelings. Wow. Just wow.

I too love being alone. I've asked my T about this several times, thinking that it might be wrong. She assures me, that as long as I'm happy to be alone, there is nothing wrong with it.

I remember the best times growing up were when I was a teenager, and my parents would finally leave me alone in the house. It's like the whole house exhaled when I surreptitiously watched their car leave though a slit in the curtains (to make sure they really were gone). Then when I heard the car engine on the street, as it slowed to pull into the driveway, all the anxiety came flooding back in.

It's hard to describe what happens to me with groups of people. It's kind of like tunnel vision, but it applies to all my senses. I am hyper aware of my immediate surrounds, but a cyclone could be happening in the next room, and I might not notice. My mind slows down and speeds up at the same time. I can take in tons of clues in my immediate surroundings, but verbal ability is greatly reduced. I think this is what Peter Levine describes as freeze. He says when the amygdala activity goes up, the activity in the Broca(language center) of the brain goes down.

Peter Levine - In an Unspoken Voice
Very good descriptions about what happens physically & chemically in the brain. Explains the results of trauma on the body and how we end up disconnected from our body, and how to reconnect.

Babette Rothschild - The Body Remembers
A guide to integrate body and mind after trauma. Written mostly for clinicians, I found it helpful to understand the signs of my body.

The Cafe / Re: Who Are You?
« on: September 29, 2014, 07:55:40 PM »
Kombucha - I make my own from white tea, love the sour taste. I add a bit of lemon juice and fresh ginger.

Bai Mu Dan white tea - Leave the tea leaves in the cup, the best cup is the second or third steeping

I also like the ritual of making coffee. Only decaf for me, too sensitive to caffeine. I use a ceramic drip cone, and grind the beans myself. I mostly like it black, needs just a bit of bitterness, without it too much sweet comes through. For comparison I find Starbucks decaf to be very bitter, it will do it a pinch, and works well if you get a sweetened concoction, but not good americano.

Black Butte Porter from Deschutes and Chimay are my favorite beers. I found that I don't like hop bitterness. These two are darker beers, but have low hops (IBUs).

Wines - Malbec, Merlot, dry whites

Emotional Abuse / Re: "Just" emotional abuse
« on: September 29, 2014, 07:01:43 PM »
Rain- this helped me so much just now.
I read two of the Peter Levine books, like Waking the Tiger.   It took a while, but I finally got his point on the HUGE importance of our bodies in emotional healing.   The stuffed emotions have a ton to do with our bodies.  So, I have been doing a ton of the physical nurturing that I did NOT receive as a child.   Self-hugging, patting the knee for reassurance, doing "high fives" with one hand to the other hand when I did get something cool done in the day ...celebrating my Adult Self with my Child Self.   Letting the trembling happen ...when "micro movements" happen in my body, I now do them slowly and to completion.
I've read one of Peter Levine's books, and it was an eye opener. I borrowed it from the library, but plan on getting my own copy, as it deserves a re-read with highlighting. I do see how reconnecting with our bodies is essential to the healing process. What I bolded in your post is what I had not understood before.

I've always described my family as "we're not huggers." Read that with a heaping pile of mid-western terseness/stoicism/dry wit. I've made great strides in getting more comfortable with touch, but even with that I still get tense when meeting someone and they do a small hug. I never received any physical nurturing of my emotions. So much so, that it is completely foreign to me. I didn't know to try these things, because they were not part of my world. When I read your post I felt a deep yearning. I went and got a warm cup of tea and gave it to my inner child to hold. It was wonderful. I see how physically connecting with a child, can connect the body to the emotion. A warm soft touch when sad. An exuberant high five when happy. A comforting hug when scared, maybe rocking in a rocking chair(I had to look up that one). The touch validates the feeling, and helps us to feel it in our body.

Thank you Rain.

Emotional Abuse / Re: "Just" emotional abuse
« on: September 26, 2014, 09:07:01 PM »
When my T asked if I could picture my inner critic my mind gave me Nellie. The character from Little House on The Prairie. Negative Nellie. I like the ray gun idea. I've changed the image in my head to a cartoon, so shooting it with ray guns and setting her hair on fire doesn't feel wrong.
Do you know, somehow I always assumed my Inner Critic is someone very dignified, very important, very much to be taken seriously. It occurs to me now that this isn't realistic. My abusers talked from a very immature place in themselves. So snot it is. Thanks for that mental image.
When I read this Mr. Peanut popped into my head.

Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: Does it scare you?
« on: September 26, 2014, 07:20:06 PM »
schrödinger's cat and Rain - thank you so much for your kind words. They made me feel good. To have people understand is such a relief.
It's been a huge relief to read that it's quite normal, this thing where you have a family that LOOKS fine, and they have one kid that LOOKS like it's the only damaged or weird one... but then it turns out that the family's dysfunction really just earthed itself into the poor kid, and he's really the one of the lot of them who's least in denial, and who's living an authentic and emotionally honest life.
That is reassuring.

chocolate-covered * with a pretty little bow on it
gave me a belly laugh.

General Discussion / Re: Social anxiety and medium chill
« on: September 26, 2014, 06:57:36 PM »
Ahh, the "people are dangerous" symptom. Yes. Sharing my emotions or opinions is generally a terrifying thought. I had to listen to my M's diatribes, and be ready with the correct 'opinions' to add to the conversation. Reassuring her that I see the world the same way she does, and essentially inflating her ego.

Conversations feel like landmines to me. Learning to have a conversation without sharing an opinion is something I'm working on. Sounds weird that it terrifies me to share an opinion, and yet I have to learn not to. When I talk to someone I read them. Then I say what I think they want to hear. So I never share MY opinions, but feel I have to inflate their ego by agreeing with them. I think this turns nonPD people off, and attracts PDs, the opposite of what I want.

I have made progress though. Last time I saw my in-laws I expressed my opinion that I knew they would not agree with. It caused me anxiety, but the world did not end(as I always feel that it will). I've known them for 20 years, and they are very kind, they are not perfect, but they are safe and caring.

I like the thought of using MC when I don't feel safe with people. I think I will try that.

I had not made the association of feeling trapped by someone who talks and talks. WOW! Might explain why I sometimes want to scream at my FIL, who tends toward aspergers-esque monologues.

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