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I know I don't post here much... or at all anymore.

I'm struggling with something at the moment... well all week really.

I've had the same flashback 4 times this week... it's "missing a piece"   The piece it is missing is what I said right before the physical abuse.  I said something... or answered a question... or something to set her off.

Immediately after I said it I was yanked to my feet to be punished.

What if I deserved it?  I always hear people say that everything happens for a reason.  What if I'm to blame? Maybe I did deserve it.  That was the constant message I was told.  I let it happen, over and over again.

If everything happens for a reason... why did so much PA happen to me? I'm afraid the answer is because I deserved it. I brought it on myself.

Please do not read if you are triggered by PA**** major abuse here.  I just had to get this stupid flashback out of me!!!

Flashback Sunday:
I had a bad flashback on Sunday.

My husband was gone at tennis.  I was going upstairs to get some laundry and "it" was there.  Top of the stairs... he must have taken it off and then carried it up but not put it in the bedroom. 

HUGE flashback:
Full on immersive:  me, over the couch... for some reason I was not depersonalized.  I'm getting as low as I can on the couch.  Trying to time it slightly & push down when it hits. I'm caught for doing this, and my hair is yanked, I arc my back and stand up slightly... I hear her in my ear... hissing... I'm adding 3 for that... it hurts and I bite my lip hard...

I am finished and I crumple to the ground... backside to the couch... I don't want her to hurt me anymore.  I'm dumb, how did I think I'd get away with that? It's my fault.

I come back to... I'm gripping the carpet with both hands... sort of sitting but pitched  forward.  I tried to get up but the body memory was there full force and it wasn't a good one.  So I ended up laying there and having an anxiety attack...  I dunno how long... body memory hung around for the day. 

Hello all,
I've been posting less and less here.  I'm doing emdr.  I've been doing it for awhile now.  It seems to be uncovering quite a bit.  Some of it is helpful... some of it really hurts.

I've separated myself from some of the emotions from my past.  That feeling of dread... knowing when the pain will come (physical or emotional)... but emdr makes connections there.

So yeah... I'm stepping away from the forum.  I feel I need to rely on my T to help me navigate this process. 

I may be back, just not right now

She was like gasoline
Volatile and explosive when provoked
And I?
I was the one that lit the match.
That it is why I am responsible

Hello all,
I feel like I'm moving in the right direction and wanted to start a new journal to reflect that.

I've been on the new medication for anxiety and sleep for a bit now.  Things are going well on it.  It can make me groggy and a bit dizzy at night (bathroom trips become interesting) but it has really improved my sleep. 

Nightmares are still there, but I am able to go to sleep pretty quickly now.  I've been tracking my sleep.  A month ago, I was awake for about 3 hours a night.  Now I'm down to about an hour!

Sleep is so restorative.  I'm handling therapy better too! We are still doing emd (restricted). Next step is to get into emd (unrestricted).  I have some anxiety about that because I don't trust where my mind will go if given full range.

My T says I'm ready. My positive belief that I feel is true, is that I'm moving in the right direction.  The thing that is holding me back is that I'm not sure I will be able to handle it.  I will have to see how it goes first before I will know...

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

I'm in such a different place than my husband.  He still gets to go to work, get out of the quarantine. I'm stuck here and I feel trapped.

He's a home body. A good Saturday for him includes lots of couch time.  I feel rejuvenated when I'm around others.  To me, this is unbearable. I'm being told that if I really care about the well-being of friends, I need to keep my distance.  But keeping my distance is hurting my well-being.  I'm trapped in this house and I can't breathe anymore.  It's so cold outside and won't stop raining. I went out for a run/walk and had to come back cuz it was too cold out.

My mom told me that I have to be optimistic  during these times.  Others have it worse. That made me feel even worse.  Now I feel lonely AND selfish.

When the urge to SH came today, I didn't even try to fight it. What's the point anymore?  How do you practice self care when all your coping strategies are being taken away?  I saw my T 3 times this week.  3 times and I feel like I'm ok for 15 minutes and then I'm crushed by the depression again.

I dunno why I'm even bothering writing this... I just am losing hope

Taking a break for a couple weeks. I just need some space for a bit I think.

I may look or respond a bit but I'm having a tough time drawing a line between other people's problems right now and my own.  I keep trying to take on the stress and fix others. Hopefully a break will do me good

New journal new phase:

I've been rough lately. I know I have not been on the forum much. I read sometimes but it's so hard to respond.  The truth is, I feel really alone.

I carry all these personas... even on the forum I find myself trying to pick people up, brush them off, it's the same at work. I pick up my students brush them off and am their rock.  But where is my rock? Only my T and the forum know the real me... and the thing is... even this forum doesn't know my real name, and if something awful was to happen to me... I could still probably fade away without much notice.

What it comes down to is that I'm tired. I'm so tired of struggling. I'm tired of the slow movement of any type of progress and then a flashback knocks me off my feet again.

I've messaged my T every day since my session last Wednesday.  I hate me. I hate how needy that is.  I reached out to several friends and it was hours later when I heard back if I heard back at all.

Yeah,
So I'm stuttering and I'm scared I'm gonna disappear.   

https://themighty.com/2018/06/anxiety-from-complex-trauma/?utm_source=engagement_bar&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=story_page.engagement_bar/

Hello all,
It's been awhile since I posted anywhere but my own journal but I have been working really hard and I want to talk about it.  (I hope this isn't too long) I'll try to break it up if it gets too long.

Since May my T and I have started doing exposure therapy.  For those who don't know, most of my abuse was physical and emotional.  The 2 led to a strange combination and I became obedient and now, 20 years later, I still struggle with some triggers.
1. Belts
2. Being bound or restrained in any sort of way
3. People being in the trunks of cars.

Why I struggle with all these can be guessed and I don't want to get into it.

——————————-
The last month and a half we started dealing with the trunk. Exposure therapy began by first me writing about my own experiences.  Sights, smells, sounds, etc.

Then we watched a couple video clips that were supposed to be funny.  16 candles has a scene where 2 nerds are in a trunk.

Then we watched a "social experiment" in the what would you do sort of style.

It wasn't till we watched a video of a reporter getting in the trunk and she talked about what she saw around her that things came to a halt for me.

It took me about 4 weeks to be able to watch the video without having a pretty massive reaction.

Good news is, I'm done with the trunk now.  I have not had any nightmares of being in a trunk or flashbacks for over a month now.

Next step is dealing with being restrained.

A dear forum friend wrote to me about striving for progression not perfection.  I think that is excellent! So I decided to make it the title of my new journal.

I have summer coming up and will hopefully be able to give myself more of the healing time I need.  I need to be better to my body... I've really packed on the pounds since this past August. I think a fitness plan is order once I'm out of school for the summer.

I also plan on really working on my mental health.  I'm starting to get into some of the scarier trauma work.  Some memories are so visceral that even now I don't want to write, talk about or deal with them.  Maybe once summer comes I can be more brave??

My plan is, if I tackle this stuff over the summer then I will be free more often to make a followup appointment if I feel like I'm slipping or derailing.

Cheers to progression

I'm really fighting the urge to self harm the last couple days.  It keeps popping in my head.  I tell myself it's not worth it. I have tried squeezing ice cubes, drawing hard on paper, coloring in red, so many things!!!!

It's still there    I know if I do it, I'll be able to breathe again.  But I've come so far to slip now... 

Just need people to tell me it will be ok and the urge will pass 

I smile
So they won't know...
To hide what I feel...
Even when it hurts...
I smile
To disguise the pain.

By: Deep Blue

Hey everyone,
I've been pretty quiet on the forum lately.  I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm fine.

I'm gonna take a break for the rest of February.  I need some time away.  I may read, but probably won't post much, and that's ok for me right now.

[Dissociated]

Dissociated
I float through the day.
Aimless.
It seems endless.
I go through the motions.
No highs.
No lows.
Detached from my surroundings.
A spectator of my own life.
An empty shell,
till the world cracks through again.

[Drowning]

Drowning
I stand on the shore and watch him bobbing in the water. 
His head goes under waves but he comes back up for air.
He flails his arms and yells for attention.
"I'm drowning", he yells.
I throw him a rope
He does not reach for it...

I should jump in and save him!
If I go to his rescue, it's certain he will pull me under
I look him in the eyes and throw the rope again
My eyes urge him to try to help himself
He stares back cold, angry.

I sit on the shore and put down the rope
There I sit watching...
Watching him drown.

The link below is to an interesting article I read recently.  It very much relates to many of us with CPTSD.  We often, have a need to help others because we were not helped ourselves. (That's how I feel anyway).

This article shines a light on this.  It talks specifically about educators, but I think he relates to anyone in a career field that helps others.  Sometimes I am triggered by things in my student's lives. When that happens it forces me to take a mental health day or recalibrate from time to time because the work I do is very important to me.

https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/52281/secondary-traumatic-stress-for-educators-understanding-and-mitigating-the-effects

I feel both anger and nauseated as I write this:

My inlaws were joking last week about their daughter.  My sister in law lives overseas where it is quite cold.  A few years ago, she had a breakdown and was hospitalized.  Her husband felt he had no other choice.  He wanted to protect her from herself.

My inlaws had to fly overseas to help her and get her out of the hospital.  Last week they joked about it!!!!     They said, well next time our daughter has a breakdown, we don't want it to be in the middle of winter.

My husband and inlaws laughed! I was dumbfounded. How could they be that insensitive?!?!! Your daughter was in serious pain and luckily her husband had her best interest in mind.  She was very close to making a decision which would mean they would be flying overseas to her funeral, instead of to a hospital!

To make matters worse... I'm a freeze responder. I never said anything to them 

Well, I never thought I would do it, but today I feel I need to begin my own journal.

The last month has had such low lows, that I've been feeling very lost. 

(Possible trigger warning: mention of suicide)

Things went south right as the school year started.  A student at my school died by suicide.  I didn't know him well and had only met him a couple times.  I am very very close with his older sister.  The sister graduated last year and was the only graduation party I went to. The sister played soccer for my husband's team, is my son's babysitter and she calls me mom.

The day it occured she reached out to me beyond upset.  Who could blame her?  Well I did the best I could, I encouraged her whole family to go to counseling. 


As a teacher, I sometimes say that it's my job to save every kid that walks through my door.  That's why I got into the profession.  I needed an adult to step in during my abuse.  Instead I fell through the cracks of the system.  My pain was masked from the world.  My CPTSD gives me an edge on helping others.  I'm sure many are the same way.  I can often read people quickly, especially when they are suffering. 

1.5 days after the suicide, the sister showed up at school.  Long story short I got a counselor to see her immediately.  They walked her out of my room (I was teaching) and she grabbed hold of me and wouldn't let go. She sobbed and I told her it's ok... I'll see you at the funeral.  They pried her fingers from me and bink! I lost it... 20 minutes erased from my memory.  I was told later that I was escorted to the counselor myself.  I had just sort of snapped.  I had dissociated and wasn't making any sense.

Within a week my grandfather then died of a short but brutal illness.  This happened 2 days before my birthday.

It was the worst birthday I can remember.  My grandmother was in mourning and my husband ditched me to go watch a soccer game on my birthday.  I pleaded with him to be with me, that I was having a tough time. Nope!  I have never felt so let down in my marriage of 5 years.  Anyway, we skipped my birthday, ate leftovers and that was it...

I know it's a rough note to start my first journal but I hope to find balance through this process.

I'm on vacation this week.  I may come and check in once in awhile but probably won't be saying much.