Messages

Sceal,
Can I just send you a soft  ?  You are allowed to have grief about this.  Sometimes we mourn what we have not had, and that's ok.  I wish you would have at least been given the chance to be heard.  We hear you and we are listening 

Eyes so blue and Frillyfarm girl,
Thanks for the validation.  I'm relieved I'm not the alone in this.

Boatsetsailrose,
I'm glad the words of eyes so blue are helping.  Take good care

Maybe somebody else said this, but could you maybe ask your old T to recommend someone for you?

Maybe you can ask them?

Hi bhupendra,
Welcome.

I should have ran away from the abuse. Someplace safe. At least I won't have to deal with these flashbacks and triggers.

This really resonated with me.  It is the same thing I have been doing work on.  I feel compliant in my abuse.  I never wanted to make waves.  My T says that "should haves" are dangerous. She said if we do it too much we "should have" all over ourselves.  Ha!

Anyway welcome and I hope you find this place helpful

I whole heartedly agree with Kizzie.

Maybe you are ready to take the risk? 

Blueberry,
It's ok. You are safe. It's may 2018.  I think a hug may be too much for you right now.  I'm sitting with you.
Love,
Deep Blue

I just felt the need to say this,
If you were to ask around, people would say I have lots of friends.  I tend to crack jokes and become an entertainer.  The thing is, putting on a show is easier to me than getting close to others.

Others describe me as their friend... but the truth is... I don't share my life with them. They like what they know of me.

I agree with Eyes so Blue.  My hyper vigilance makes me have trust issues.  Often people will say something triggering to me and I write them off completely.  My T says friendship is a 2 way street.  I'm much more comfortable listening than sharing. She asked me to pick 1 person to open up to.... I couldn't trust anyone enough to, so I just didn't. 

I can only give you my background experience and let you know how I feel.  I am a teacher and I have an undergrad and masters degree.

I loved some of my coursework and hated others.  I genuinely enjoyed writing and most of my education classes in college.  I tend to enjoy things that I find fulfilling.  Teaching others is fulfilling for me. 

I tend to dislike what I do not understand.  I struggled in chemistry and physics in high school.  I disliked any assignments associated with it. 

Sometimes work can be difficult and I like it.  That work is similar to a puzzle for me.  It is difficult and I work hard to get each piece together.  Once the puzzle is completed it gives me a lot of satisfaction.

I am different than you in that I do not equate doing well with self worth.  I consider it just another step of the path. 

Hi alias,

I'm glad you found us.  Welcome and I hope you find this forum helpful.  The people are very understanding and our shared traumas make us a gentle tribe.

The teacher in me wants to reach out and comfort you.  After abuse that revolved around schoolwork it is no wonder that you have this reaction.  For me, pinpointing the reason for my reaction wasn't enough to make that reaction go away.  It was, however a starting point.  Try to be kind to yourself, as you explore this connection.
Take good care,
Deep Blue

Ah,
I find myself wondering something similar to what you described. 

**** trigger warning self harm***




My mode of self harm is cutting.  It got harder and harder to hide it through the years. I tended to use my watch To hide the marks.  I am more in control of the battle but I still slip occasionally.  Now if I slip, I try to self harm in a less dangerous spot... hope that made sense.

Anyway, I was talking to my therapist about something I was doing, and asked if it was self harm.  I was going to sleep with a heating pad or leaving them on even when I felt my skin burning underneath them.   Her answer was that yes, it is still self harm.  I didn't set out to use them as an additional form of self harm... and yet here I am.

Elphanigh,
  I'm inspired by you.  That is hard work and I'm glad it is helping.  You are very brave 
Love ya,
Deep Blue

I read that otters hold hands when they sleep so they don't drift apart.  I love otters and this picture. 

1. I know exactly how you feel.   (Hmm... exactly? Actually you don't have the first clue because I keep everyone in the dark and this the mask I wear for you)

2.  You just need to be more positive. (If I had a dime every time I have heard that one I could buy an island. If only fixing my past was a matter of being more positive)

Honestly I know these people mean well... but it doesn't make me want to facepalm any less.