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Messages - Deep Blue

#16
Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: Panic attacks TW
July 24, 2020, 01:06:09 AM
I've not been having as many panic attacks as I used to.  My new medication has really helped there... but I had one to night so I felt like revisiting this poem again.
#17
Recovery Journals / Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
July 23, 2020, 10:31:02 PM
Hi all,
It's been a beat since I felt like posting.

Things are going well here.  I'm sleeping much better.  I still get triggered but not as much.  The big ones are still there. 

I'm sad to report that it seems that my psychiatrist was right.  She said that since I'm not having panic attacks like I used to, that I'd probably dissociate more.  I do dissociate more than I used to.  Good news it isn't that often anymore.

Last week my friend and I went for a hike.  She told me her poison ivy had spread on her stomach again.  Just hearing her talk about the clothing item that may have caused it was enough to make me dissociate later.

Then this week I injured my back.  I actually didn't know if it was really injured or if was a body memory.  I saw my T first... she noticed I had dissociated but I told her I hadn't.  Then I went to the chiropractor and he confirmed I had indeed injured it.  Whether the pain was real or a body memory it caused a reaction in me. 
****** trigger warning*****



It brought me back to how I felt after the PA.  My body hurt and I'd try to hide it.  I wouldn't let people see me limp. I would always bite down on my lip hard so I didn't yell out.  And no crying... I was not allowed to cry.   

*** end trigger warning***

Wow I unpacked quite a bit of baggage today.  Maybe I'll come back later and see if what I wrote makes any kind of sense.
Much love all 💙
#18
Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: TW Gasoline
July 22, 2020, 02:45:44 AM
Thanks river rabbit.  I actually got a smile out of the pun.  (Intended or not  :bigwink:)
#19
Poetry & Creative Writing / TW Gasoline
July 15, 2020, 02:29:28 AM
She was like gasoline
Volatile and explosive when provoked
And I?
I was the one that lit the match.
That it is why I am responsible
#20
Recovery Journals / Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
June 21, 2020, 02:08:50 AM
Hello all,
Had a bit of a hiccup and dissociated again but only for a day.  Good news is that I knew the signs and became aware of it myself this time.  (Progress)

My T fit me in on Friday and by the end of the day I was back to normal.  I went for a walk with a friend and the residual kinda dissipated. 

I am a bit annoyed that no matter how many things I check off my to do list, more things keep coming up!!!

Lawn guy blew us off and didn't give us an estimate for some landscaping stuff.  I told husband to ask his landscaping friend... of course he didn't.

It's summer and we have an exhaust type fan in the attic.  Well now it's not working.  I told my husband about it last week and he said I was wrong.  Well he changed his tune today.  House gets hot at night and I hate sweating in my sleep.

I've also told my husband about 30 times that we need the pest people to come and put more bait in the traps outside.  We have a rodent problem at our house.  It's mostly voles, but my husband changed our pest people and now I don't have the info.

It's so frustrating cuz he drags his feet to do anything. I'm the one that doesn't work over the summer.  I hate random road blocks because he isn't helping me out. 

Ugh... sometimes the fact that he is so type B and I'm so type A is a good thing.  He levels me out.  In situations like this, it ads to my stress. 

Deep breath and going to try to have a nice nights sleep tonight and wake up with more patience tomorrow.

💙
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
June 14, 2020, 03:09:20 AM
This week I was thinking about my pets and how much joy they bring to my life.  I know some people have support animals, therapy animals, or even service animals... but there is really something to it.

My pets each have such different personalities.  My 13 year old cat is chubby and a full on mama's boy.  He loves to cuddle with me and fall asleep in my lap.

My dog is 10.  He is a loyal sweet boy.  He wouldn't hurt a fly... no really! I saw him actually get scared by one! Ha ha

The new kitten is sweet and playful.  He loves to play with my son and husband.  He likes to cuddle and explore and look at his own reflection.  I'm pretty sure he thinks we have another kitten that looks identical to him because he keeps talking to his reflection!

Night night all 💙
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
June 13, 2020, 12:18:11 PM
Here is a picture of our little Dodger. 
#23
Recovery Journals / Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
June 11, 2020, 03:47:41 PM
More good news from me!  We got a kitten! We have named him Dodger. 

He's a black and white (cow cat) American shorthair. He also is polydactyl.  So he has some extra toes.

Him and my son seem to be enjoying themselves.

💙
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
June 06, 2020, 06:42:07 PM
Hello all!
A productive week for me.  I got some exercise and hit my step goal every day!

I've been collecting food for a local charity.  Kids in my school district on free/reduced lunch are hurting right now.  I collected about 6 boxes of items for them.  Took them off to the food drive donation center today.  I hope they get more donations cuz it looked like there was not that many people there yet. 

So yeah, feeling good here! 💙
#25
Blueberry,
I would be exhausted with the emotional baggage you unloaded too. 

Im appalled by people who say something negative just to hurt others.  Criticism of you being a translator seems like it was only intended to hurt you and I'm sorry for that. 

Hang in there friend, hope you feel more rested today
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: #7 - breaking though
June 01, 2020, 12:33:11 PM
San,
I have had that muddled feeling many many times.  Good for you to take a step back and put your own oxygen mask on first  :hug:
#27
Checking Out / Re: Leaving
June 01, 2020, 12:28:56 PM
Sweet Sceal,
I want you to know that I have nothing but love for you.  I will miss you very much but I am proud of you for doing what you need to do for your own healing journey.

Remember friend, we will still be here if and when you feel like you want to come back. 

I will cherish our cabin and be there with you in spirit  :hug: :hug: 💙
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
May 30, 2020, 02:10:38 AM
Hi all!
Things are still going pretty well with me.  I have gotten out and exercised every day this week so that makes me very happy.

I see my T again on Monday but have been feeling very stable in general. I went on a walk with a friend this week and she said I seem so much more myself.  Feels good to hear that
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
May 27, 2020, 01:50:02 AM
Had an appointment with the psychiatrist today. 

I told her about the episode of dissociation last week.  She said, that even though I probably don't want to hear it, she thinks there will be more of that to come.  She said I've spend so much time with anxiety... now my mind is not jumping to a panic attack like it used to.  It has to have some coping strategy to fall back on.

She was right, I did not want to hear that.  It makes me worried for the future.

On the other hand, things are still going well for me.  The what if's are still positive.

What if my trauma isn't actually bigger than me?
What if I can move past the trauma and be less effected by it?
What if I can break this up and down roller coaster I've been on for so long?

So it's positive and I am grateful to have hope again.  Hope beats anxiety almost every time 💙
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: Deep Blue: Finding hope
May 23, 2020, 01:40:10 AM
San,
Thanks for the hugs.  Yes grounding... lots of it.

Blueberry, thanks for pointing out that my recovery from dissociating was shorter this time.  Honestly it helps and no way a trigger like that would have left me after 2 days before. 

Not alone,
You pointing out the growth feels good.  Thanks  :hug: 
————————————————-
I'm still a bit fuzzy.  I'm not sure if it's vertigo or that I'm still a little dissociated.

I'm still doing ok considering. 

I'm feeling more positive and I know that dissociation happens sometimes.  And that is ok! My brain is just trying to protect me.  Now I'm just working to tell my brain that it's ok.  I'm safe now and the fight or flight doesn't need to kick in all the time now. 

So yeah.. hopefully with enough mindfulness and grounding I'll feel back to normal again soon. ❤️