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Thanks snookiebookie.
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Well things got crazy for me the last few days but I'm doing better now. 

Long story short... I had a trigger when I was getting a deep tissue massage.  He's a talker and I see him about once a week.  I know getting a massage sounds relaxing, but that is not the type I get.  He does deep muscle massage, sometimes I'm covered in bruises when he is finished.  It's painful, but within a couple days it really seems to help me.

So anyway, I'm face down on the table and he was talking about adhd...

******trigger warning**** pa
So he says that he prob has had adhd His whole life. Says that he wished his parents knew about it then... said that his parents..... (deep breath.... I'm gonna try to be brave right now and type this) his parents punished him with a b*** when he wouldn't stay still... then he said that he remembers getting a c... said that he remembers a word with each syllable.... and I was gone.


*****End trigger warning *******
Flashback hit and I Don't remember the rest of the massage.  Usually I'm totally aware when he is working on painful muscles etc... nope I zoned out completely.

I got home that night and felt dizzy.  I went to bed early.

Next day I woke up... still dizzy... I slept pretty much all of the day away.

Yesterday I felt less light headed but still had a couple dizzy spells.

So then I went to therapy today.  My T said I seemed distant... zoned out... i told her I'd been dizzy and assumed I was just tired.

Finally I told her what happened with my massage guy and she helped me put the pieces together.  I dissociated for 2 and a half days!!!! I didn't realize it!

Yes I still have some light headedness but I'm trying to ground and be mindful and get my head more leveled.

I'm ok... I'm still doing pretty well considering.  The nightmares are still not keeping me awake.  This was just a weird side track for the week.  I guess the road to recovery isn't a straight line? 

Hit a heavy trigger yesterday.  I had a flashback but no panic attack.

I have been dizzy since last night though.  Ive have really bad vertigo all day.

Hope it's gone tomorrow

Not alone and Hope,
Thanks for the warm wishes    It's good to hear from you both.

3R,
Ha ha thanks for the encouragement.  I have hope that you are right and can handle it.  I'm just kind of a tangible person, so I need to experience it first before I'll be able to answer that question... makes sense?
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I slept well again last night. Woke up feeling good.  Did some work stuff and now I'm gonna do some school stuff with my kid.

I'm bribing him with legos to do the work.  Husband doesn't like it.  He said I shouldn't bribe him to do something that he should already be doing.  The thing is, it's my sanity I am protecting here.  I'm tired of the tantrums over schoolwork from him.  Yes I have more patience these days...  but I want school to be an enjoyable experience for us both

Sceal,
I think what you wrote is completely valid and makes a lot of sense.

I have felt eerily similar to what you described.  It seems to come and go for me. Sometimes when I dissociate, I don't even know I'm doing it!!!

You have every right to be upset about losing Lady T.  I think writing it out is a brilliant idea.  I hope it helps my friend

Hey blueberry,
I just wanted to offer you some comfort and support 

Hey sceal,
Sorry I've been away so long.  This may sound really random but here goes...

When I was pregnant with my son, I developed severe vertigo.  I'd get these awful dizzy spells and I couldn't drive or walk far without sitting and resetting.  Once I gave birth, the docs said that the dizziness would go away too. 3 months later, it was still there.  The docs said that I needed to have patience. My hormones had been on a roller coaster for 9 months and it needed that much time to get back to where they were.

The problem is, they were wrong.  It lasted for about 4 years! I guess what I'm trying to say is, there is no way of knowing how long pain, or sad thoughts, or feeling of not being worthy will last.  There is no set amount of time there...

For what it is worth, you lived with your ex for a long time and I wouldn't expect  the thoughts about them to go away this fast.  Go easy on yourself, I'm with ya 

Hello all,
I feel like I'm moving in the right direction and wanted to start a new journal to reflect that.

I've been on the new medication for anxiety and sleep for a bit now.  Things are going well on it.  It can make me groggy and a bit dizzy at night (bathroom trips become interesting) but it has really improved my sleep. 

Nightmares are still there, but I am able to go to sleep pretty quickly now.  I've been tracking my sleep.  A month ago, I was awake for about 3 hours a night.  Now I'm down to about an hour!

Sleep is so restorative.  I'm handling therapy better too! We are still doing emd (restricted). Next step is to get into emd (unrestricted).  I have some anxiety about that because I don't trust where my mind will go if given full range.

My T says I'm ready. My positive belief that I feel is true, is that I'm moving in the right direction.  The thing that is holding me back is that I'm not sure I will be able to handle it.  I will have to see how it goes first before I will know...

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

I have not been on the forum much this week.  I'm feelin good with the new meds.

I have noticed the difference is that when I wake up with the nightmares, I'm able to fall asleep again pretty quickly.  It's made a world of difference.  I wake up and feel rested.

When I'm rested, I have more patience, I can focus more, I have more energy and am generally in a better mood.

So yeah 

So I took a full dose of the medicine last night.  I still woke up but no panic attack. I was able to fall back asleep. 

So 2 nights of some pretty solid sleep.  Very rare for me... I'm feeling some hope again.

I love that my T helped me out and got me a psychiatrist she trusts.  So far it's taking the edge off and it's only been a couple days.  🤞🤞 hope it lasts

 

I slept last night!!!! No nightmares!!!!

Thanks San and 3R.

Today was slow. Got work done but I felt slow... moving slow.

So yeah.... I picked up the meds.  It's called trazodone.  I'm supposed to take it tonight before bed.  I'm nervous but a good nights sleep sounds great

Notalone,
Thanks for saying you are not tired of reading.  That honestly warms my heart. Thanks 

Hope and 3R,
I adore you both.  Thanks for not being sick of me. 

San,
I am trying to hang tough.  It helps when the sun is out... I can get some exercise and be outside.  The rainy days are the pits for sure. ❤️

Blueberry,
Thanks for caring about me.  I care about you too.   

Woods gnome,
Thanks for not turning your back on me.  I'm trying to close my eyes and soak up all those peaceful vibes.  Deep breaths.
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I talked to the psychiatrist today.  She was nice.  I was on the phone with her for over an hour.  Towards the end I was pretty spent.  She prescribed me something to help ease the nightmares... but I'll go pick it up tomorrow.

I don't do very well when people compliment me.  I don't really feel like I deserve it and have a hard time believing it. 

The psychiatrist said "wow, you getting away from that abuse is a testament to your strength".  I couldn't take that compliment... too much shame around my trauma still.  At least I think that's why I couldn't take it???

I dunno, I'm hopeful that this will help.  I've been struggling for a month now pretty much day in and day out.  I can't take much more.  I want to move past my trauma. 

The psychiatrist said, there isn't a magic medicine that will help clear up all my trauma.  Her hope is that there is some meds that will make my healing journey easier and hopefully a little quicker.

Deep breaths tonight deep breaths

San,
What you said about brain energy being used seems to ring true.  I feel really tired but not really sleepy... so I bet that has something to do with it.

Blueberry,
Thanks for the support.  I do feel so rough these days.  The quarantining and social distancing is doing an absolute number on me.  It's bringing up awful trauma that I never even thought about before.

Not alone,
To you.
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Blueberry is right, I've been struggling for awhile now.

I have ok days and bad days now... the good ones seem like a distant memory.

My T (while trying not to sound worried) set up an appointment for me with a psychiatrist this week.  Maybe some new meds will help?

The meds my GP gave me this past week were awful. I didn't react well to them at all.  Sweaty, feverish, jittery, all around bad.

So I just plain felt like quitting after that.  My T said she trusts this particular psychiatrist but I can't help but feel bleak... I don't have the energy to call a friend and talk.  I'm sure they are all sick of me by now anyway. 

I'm sick of me too

Sceal,
I do like Disney's Robin Hood. Let's watch  it. I need it tonight.

San,
That's a good point. Do you think just doing emd can still make people tired? Even if I'm not doing the reprocessing yet?
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I'm exhausted today.  I had a full on immersive flashback today.  I think it was over 5 minutes long.  It was NOT a good one at all! It was PA.... really bad PA...

I'm so sore today.  My back is throbbing and I'm scared to try to sleep tonight.

Doc gave me new meds.  I'll prob start it tomorrow? So now I'm on 2 different kinds.  I dunno about this 

Not alone,
Thanks for thinking of me and saying that I'm not whiny.  Yeah you are right, the pathways are there in my brain... it just seems that the volume gets turned up this time of year if that makes sense.

San,
Thanks for the hug... and also the courage. I dunno if it's the numerous flashbacks but I've been feeling really tired lately.  Or maybe I'm just not sleeping enough?? Not sure.

3R,
I like what you said... struggling means I'm fighting.  That does put some wind in my sails.

Sceal,
A blanket fort sounds great.  Should we watch a movie in there together? I'd like that.
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I've been up and down most nights.  If I have chemical help, I'm able to sleep at night.  Not so much without it.

***Trigger warning (nightmares with PA)



Most nights lately I'm getting hit.  Sometimes with a b- sometimes just being hit in general. I wake up really sore as If it is still happening. It's harder to ground when I wake up with the flashback nightmares.  It's just this flooding that's happening at night lately.

***** end trigger warning ****

So yeah feelin really tired lately and just plain tired of struggling