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Messages - woodsgnome

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1
Thanks for that observation, Hope67. It reminded me of an easily overlooked facet of all these messy relationships. Often lumped into the general category of 'emotional abuse', these coercive parts to it can easily corrode and eventually destroy lives.

My own parts have lots to still uncover. It's scary to realize, too, how there have been consistent patterns, for me, of falling into so many coercive situations throughout the whole rough ride.

Learning to get outside this corrosive trap takes a lot, but I guess it's also worth it on the other end.

I trust it's alright to offer you and your parts an encouraging  :hug: ~~ hoping you'll continue finding ways to come away from having gone through so much coercion, some overt and some hidden.

2
Recovery Journals / Re: Discovery Journal
« on: January 16, 2021, 08:32:56 PM »
 :)  :cheer:  :thumbup:   :hug:   :hug:

Missed you, but so glad to hear of your good journeying. Sometimes we just wander, but there's so much to heal, it's a wonder, and joy, that we can somehow find solid steps forward.

That you've done so is wonderful news, and inspiration for others that sometimes we can turn the corner and there it is -- a new life and better prospects for dealing with the old story.

Thanks for stopping back here with the encouraging update.

3
Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: Waiting for the Phoenix
« on: January 13, 2021, 07:21:00 PM »
Sometimes I wonder how any of this pain could find adequate expression. There are no words, it's all so beyond comprehension.

Ah, but I've now found these lines of yours, GeekyGramma, that do say what it feels like. They have indeed stirred my heart. Like stirring the ashes, I suppose; and if that can happen, perhaps there will be a tiny spark that can somehow reignite.

Thank you  :hug:

I know how hard it was and is ... my hope is for you to release those monsters from ever touching your life again, and that you'll feel safer, and find that phoenix ... and/or it will find you.

4
Introductory Post / Re: IRedW77
« on: January 12, 2021, 03:29:26 AM »
So many of us have been so conditioned to not trust our own feelings that we naturally tend to downplay our own hurt. We compare notes, but really there is no comparison when we've been so damaged, invalidated, and unsupported before.

So, you're not at all alone about the grief and self-doubt these wounds ha caused. As Blueberry noted, many here have expressed similar sentiments to yours, but in the end all are unique; which is but one way this forum can help you set foot towards creating a new outlook for coming to grips with your own troubled past. I'd like to start by offering this gentle  :hug:

Welcome.

Here's hoping you'll feel safe and comfortable here as you begin the important journey back.

5
Introductory Post / Re: Hi, new here
« on: January 05, 2021, 08:59:02 PM »
Dear Wic ... here's a warm welcome to a diverse but focused community. The base line seems to swirl in the directions of trudging through this life despite some hefty wounds which  we neither created nor wanted;  :spooked: but hey, we're here anyway and ... now what?

My own approach to this forum was also along tentative lines of wondering what the discussions here could do to help alleviate my own tendency to slide further into despair. So I was rather pleasantly surprised to find that I was learning from the only true experts on cptsd -- those who've 'walked the talk'. I've read lots of the self-proclaimed experts, but the people here are speaking from deep within, from their broken hearts.

OOTS reflects so much of the journey -- the extreme lows, but also the peeks into new ways of healing.

So your presence here, however little or much of these materials you choose to actively dive into, is a welcome addition.  :grouphug: 

6
Introductory Post / Re: Hello, I'm finally healing
« on: January 02, 2021, 02:11:51 AM »
Even though you indicate a troubled past, the good news is you've survived and are seeking to reach out. And just knowing one is not alone in this helps greatly, as it's such a struggle to keep moving.

So a hearty welcome to OOTS!  :)

7
Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: 2021
« on: January 02, 2021, 01:58:37 AM »
 :thumbup: for your new journal. It's always cool to see our journey from a fresh perspective. While the old annoyances are still around, we benefit from realizing that the old story is receding further and further back in the rear-view mirror.

Every once in a while it seems like we hit some bad snags, but as Spring illustrates, that's when it's best to keep on trekking anyway.

So her'e's best wishes and a heartfelt  :hug: as you are finding ways to stay on track. Hope the reconnection with the T goes well, too -- it helps so much to have that support when things can seem so overwhelming.

8
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
« on: December 29, 2020, 09:14:13 PM »
Hope: "I am ok again, the pain has gone."  :cheer: That's so great, to be able to find light on the path once more.

9
Introductory Post / Re: Finally saying hello
« on: December 29, 2020, 06:04:38 PM »
Greetings, Bluegem  :wave:

Sounds like you're taking tentative steps you feel it's finally time to explore further. OOTS is a good place for that, mainly as it's a safe entourage of people traveling along similar but divergent paths.

Hope you can continue your explorations and, most of all, run into some needed supportive ways to enhance those first steps.

10
Letters of Recovery / Re: Letter to Little
« on: December 28, 2020, 03:23:35 AM »
  :thumbup:            :applause:                   

                  :grouphug:

11
**TW** in paragraph 4, there's mention of physical pressure applied by an abuser

----------

Bella, you asked, "when you feel you are zoning out, or have tunnel vision etc., is it mostly uncomfortable, or can it also feel ok in some sense?"

Great question. My dissociation doesn't seem consistently one way or another.  I think the dominant factor starts with my mind being quite hyperactive around people in general -- alert but scanning for danger. I can therefore sense danger where it might not really be present.

In that sense, it's horrible; but I often don't realize this happened right away; afterwards I might notice I've missed a few seconds or more of being fully present. Inwardly, it's like I'm setting up to run away. It helps that my T is very understanding of what's going on; though she prefers if I notice it myself first (a sign that my self-concept might be improving).

*TW ahead per externally applied bodily pressure* The worst is when I feel like there's a sort of pressure being applied, like someone is pressing down on my shoulders in a threatening manner (this was done to me by an abuser, but the feeling seemed to start long before those incidents occurred). I feel like 'burrowing in' -- the feeling of wanting to disappear where I can't be hurt. It's frustrating to feel this threatened, long past the actual danger. Fortunately, it also seems like I'm good at disguising my reaction.

Since my T explained more about dissociation, if I catch what's going on I feel 'okay' in some sense. I guess it helps to have her supportive presence at those times. But if I sense the stuff coming on around others, it can make me feel a little panicky.

As for the inner sayings I referred to in my previous response here, I'm like you in that I can easily forget them in the moment of dimming out, but I've tried to slowly plant the confidence that I can do this in the back of my mind, but it's a long ways to build this up from so many years of habits.

I continue to work on this. And hope you can find some comfort in knowing you're not alone with this. Like so many symptoms of c-ptsd, finding a sure 'cure' for this has many roadblocks, but I guess it's like so much -- it requires patience and building resilience and self-forgiveness.   :hug:

12
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: The C* holiday word
« on: December 24, 2020, 06:58:19 AM »
Marta, I sense the desperation in your words and wish I could help in some tangible way. With the hurt still haunting you, it may be hard to realize that those horrible times aren't part of  part of your present story. Though the memory still hurts, by writing about it you're beginning to build on a new life, starting with self-care.

Anger is often frowned upon by people who didn't have to handle what many of us endured, through no fault of ours. There are times when to express it, and grieve its senselessness, is a noble form of self-care and character.

You're in charge of your life story now, and writing about these is showing that there are welcoming signs of courage emerging from the grief. The courage doesn't stand out for you, perhaps; but I can see it, and admire you for doing so.

Unfortunately, words don't matter half as much as just knowing we support you in any way possible. And I hope that can start just with this deserved and heartfelt way:  :hug: 

Please continue to take care of your precious being.


13
Other / Re: Our Wonderful Healing Porch - Part 7
« on: December 20, 2020, 03:30:18 AM »
For Tee ...

words? only a couple, to paint the scene ... here it's just you, Tee, and those of us sharing with you ... breathing in the peace and safety  you deserve...

... now there is only this peace, surrounding us all in safety and love.

... no more words, only soft, silent  :hug:

14
This is yet another c-ptsd symptom that seems to vary quite a bit for various people, but I'll try to describe a little of my own history with it.

I'm sure I probably started during, after, and perhaps even before (if I could 'see it coming') certain triggers occurred. I didn't notice them much then.

Recognizing these, though, didn't happen until a couple years ago when I noticed I was zoning out during a therapy session. Recognizing that I was 'off', I started apologizing to the T for this, but she immediately soothed me by explaining it had happened before, but that my noticing it was a good sign. And, most important, was entirely natural, that of course there are times when the old defensive mechanism kicks in like that.

So before writing myself off as a lost cause, she suggested I just continue with the process, know it might happen, with the most important immediate outcome being that I not beat myself up if it happens again. That slight shift in attitude has helped me deal with it better and head off the inner critic's nagging me as if I'm forever damaged.

If I do notice or sense this might happen, I take a breath, try to calm with an inner saying (mine is 'love/peace' said inwardly) just go slowly, perhaps even just stopping. If I need more, my T excellent at allowing me space to re-orient to where I was and to note that I'm fully safe.

A couple of times (IF I started catching myself dissociating) this stopping helped to understand what the exact flashback or trigger might have been; but sometimes I don't catch that or things just seem too foggy.

I do this inner noticing elsewhere, but of course the safety factor I still may not feel confident about. So it varies, and sometimes I can find myself a bit off where things were, but often it doesn't even get to the point where anyone else notices. That I do is still irritating, but also relieving if I indeed realize what just happened.

So for me, just knowing it's a natural post-trauma symptom and can be recognized, especially as one gets to a safer, less defensive sense of panic about its presence, can make a difference. Like so much with c-ptsd, it's slow and takes patience, and perhaps even some painful slips back to what, after all, has often been a lifelong habit.

I hope that at least explains how I've come to see it, and that you'll see an improvement in this area as well.  :hug:




 

15
Thanks, Hope, for posting this list. Not sure how these items tend to get buried in the postings but glad I came across it now.

Spring's approach is spot-on, and it's easy to see why -- she's walked the talk, and is one of the few (e.g. Pete Walker) who personally experienced C-PTSD and has the writing savvy to share what she learned (and is still learning) with others who need the counsel of someone such as her.

Thanks again.  :)

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