A couple days back, I was telling someone of my excited reaction to an inspiring talk given by a person who'd survived some very deep abuse. The person I was sharing this with (one of only 2 who have much knowledge of my painful past) reacted by slipping into her standard monologue of "well, people back then were different" ... STOP, I WANT TO SCREAM.
I had just been describing how the speaker I'd heard had very expertly explained how abuse victims hear things differently and -- immediately I get one of those standard "you have to understand them" responses tossed back at me. The sort of line that makes me cringe, shrink from saying anything more about my feelings, and resign myself to hiding my honest feelings yet again. And ... so much for the inspiring talk I'd wanted to share my excitement about with her.
NOOOOO. I will not understand, there's no point to trying; 'they' hurt me, no more need be said. I felt betrayed, unloved, scorned, and more. Still, I DID survive and have been on a long journey ever since. Survival doesn't mean I turn back and throw understanding into what I can't ever, ever understand. Why would I want to? I can only unburden as best I can, on my own terms.
Understand it? Why? It was senseless then; and remains so. But I'm still left with huge chunks of my life shattered. I feel the sting when certain comments get made certain ways that invalidates me. I'm still okay, more than okay; but enduring comments implying I just need to understand better is a form of verbal abuse (even if unintentional) implying I must not be good enough. At least that's how I heard it, and yes, I'm very sensitive. Will someone please understand that? I have to wonder.
I am okay, and it's all I can be. Okayness is a lot, considering how I could just give up on sharing any part of my vulnerable undercurrent. While the abuse doesn't define my life, its aftermath has left a long trail of symptoms that continue to influence me. Perhaps I just need to steel myself for unfortunate comments from people who, in the end, weren't there and don't understand (or want to) what it's like to be victimized to the point of raw senselessness.
It's still lonely, though. Very. But circling back to the talk mentioned above, the speaker eloquently spoke of survival as all that mattered, and how the slings of others can never, ever destroy that accomplishment. So what if they don't get it ... we do.
I had just been describing how the speaker I'd heard had very expertly explained how abuse victims hear things differently and -- immediately I get one of those standard "you have to understand them" responses tossed back at me. The sort of line that makes me cringe, shrink from saying anything more about my feelings, and resign myself to hiding my honest feelings yet again. And ... so much for the inspiring talk I'd wanted to share my excitement about with her.
NOOOOO. I will not understand, there's no point to trying; 'they' hurt me, no more need be said. I felt betrayed, unloved, scorned, and more. Still, I DID survive and have been on a long journey ever since. Survival doesn't mean I turn back and throw understanding into what I can't ever, ever understand. Why would I want to? I can only unburden as best I can, on my own terms.
Understand it? Why? It was senseless then; and remains so. But I'm still left with huge chunks of my life shattered. I feel the sting when certain comments get made certain ways that invalidates me. I'm still okay, more than okay; but enduring comments implying I just need to understand better is a form of verbal abuse (even if unintentional) implying I must not be good enough. At least that's how I heard it, and yes, I'm very sensitive. Will someone please understand that? I have to wonder.
I am okay, and it's all I can be. Okayness is a lot, considering how I could just give up on sharing any part of my vulnerable undercurrent. While the abuse doesn't define my life, its aftermath has left a long trail of symptoms that continue to influence me. Perhaps I just need to steel myself for unfortunate comments from people who, in the end, weren't there and don't understand (or want to) what it's like to be victimized to the point of raw senselessness.
It's still lonely, though. Very. But circling back to the talk mentioned above, the speaker eloquently spoke of survival as all that mattered, and how the slings of others can never, ever destroy that accomplishment. So what if they don't get it ... we do.