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Messages - woodsgnome

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Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« on: May 12, 2021, 03:57:23 PM »
Sometimes 'pacing' is the most important aspect in the daily grind to find the peace we need. Perhaps if we give the overwhelm feelings some space all will be fine.

You've been building a lot of strength from within and that can make for a bit of frazzled nerves. Your response to back off a bit is thus a natural part of the process, and needed in order to continue trekking onward, out of the void.


Recovery Journals / Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« on: May 12, 2021, 03:41:23 PM »
"Maybe soon?" We all hope so, but it's also great just to know you're still here, an important cog for all our journeys. Best to you ...


Recovery Journals / Re: Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal
« on: May 11, 2021, 12:17:18 AM »
 :applause: You followed your heart, walked past any diversionary self-guilt about it, and realized that you're ok now, and always were. Thanks for sharing this inspiring step towards unlocking a bit of the pain you've held inside for so long.  :)

Recovery Journals / Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« on: May 08, 2021, 06:18:12 PM »
 :cheer:    :bigwink:    :grouphug:

As happens so many times, there are no adequate words to cover all the bases of your accomplishment marking, as it were, the dramatic turning point you find yourself at. Like I said, no words do it justice ... now is the moment to enjoy. Thanks for sharing it all with us.



Thanks for these -- I like the term "Living Legacy". We tend to regard 'legacy' in a positive light, but it can travel towards the negative quickly and become our dominant 'heritage'.

It's great to see more therapists finding c-ptsd worthy of more thorough research. At last  :applause:

Recovery Journals / Re: Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal
« on: May 08, 2021, 02:01:30 AM »
Often what we call 'small' steps can in fact be more like leaps. Regardless of what we label them -- it's even more wonderful if we don't notice them immediately. On several issues, that's how it's worked for me.

When I look back it's pleasantly surprising that I actually accessed feelings I didn't think I'd ever encounter. Positive thoughts were especially hard to come by. Since finally attaining this at least a few times, one thing that's stuck is that it's not always entirely hopeless.

I hope you'll continue the progress you've noticed. It might seem slow, but maybe that's a good thing?

So I'll echo Jazzy's voice in lauding what looks to be solid progress for you.  :) May it continue on the upswing.

Introductory Post / Re: Sharing the Journey
« on: May 04, 2021, 06:55:54 PM »
Hi, Caboose ...  :wave:. Welcome to the prospect of visiting in a safe environment.

Sounds like an exciting read, Hope. Lots to chew on, based on what was said in the excerpts you included.

Something I felt close to was the comment about some  therapy clients (both in-person and those goint solo) who have a hard time following through. I know I bolted from several T's in the past, though I've found much more stability with my current one.

As with everything, my biggest obstacle to follow-through is two-fold: what did (or didn't) happen before combined with the scary process of entering almost entirely new territory; even as it involves wandering around in one's murky past. And yet, the best therapy seems to include touching on all those sensitive inner wounds. The trauma escape process is so frightful all on its own, and almost seems radical. And yet, that also seems to be exactly what's needed -- abuses that led to trauma are in fact a radical violation of the human need for love and safety. To get out of the ruts might include even more acceptance of more 'radical' steps.

Meanwhile, I trust you'll be able to find a good pace with which to encounter this wonderful book. I'll offer this encouragement, if alright ---  :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« on: May 04, 2021, 06:15:14 PM »
 :applause:  :applause:  :applause:  :bighug:

Your walk across the stage seems to include two important steps -- one concluding your progress through all the pain and grief of the now 'old' story, and your giant first step into the 'new' path.

The Cafe / Re: Favourite Quotes - Part 3
« on: May 03, 2021, 01:09:38 AM »
“Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally, heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams, healing can begin.” – Danielle Bernock

"The Ache" was a term I've used for years in reference to what the whole mess of CPTSD feels like. I still feel it, but reading this quote I realize there's also this scream. Being internal, no one else hears it, and it makes "the Ache" seem even worse. The other apt term used by the author refers to the "one being held captive." Know that one, too.

I know -- just words -- but they resonated deep and clear for me when I read them. me

Thanks for having the courage to share some of what set you off on the wrong foot, so to speak.

While exact circumstances vary, I know only too well that gnawing feeling of denial mixed with rage, all wrapped within an unfathomable sadness.

And it hangs in there. So many times, once I thought I'd relieved some of the denial and then find it flaring up again (not sure if I ever fully am able to fully recover, whatever that means). It's a vicious cycle, leading to lots of self-doubt and self-hatred, mixed with a distrust of everyone.

It seems, though, that you're willing to turn your realization of what went horribly wrong around, and that willingness is key, the starting point of the new outlook on life you want and deserve. Your wonderful Peruvian friend's acceptance of you was inspiring to read about.

The journey out of the misery you describe has been full of pain, for sure; but maybe now you will find some equilibrium along with the discernment you've demonstrated by sharing these horrific -- along with some healing -- experiences. 

I hope you can continue finding this new way of being.   :hug:

 :heythere:  Greetings  :wave:

Hope you'll be able to feel comfortable without fear of being judged, like often happens in other settings. It can be an up and down ride, living with CPTSD. Surprising, too -- so many twists and turns it can take; some upbeat, but lots of less rosy scenarios.

It's tough, but at least we survived, and are slowly finding those next steps.

Mother's/Father's Day / Re: Mother's Day 2021
« on: April 25, 2021, 09:58:31 PM »
Mother's Day has morphed into another sort of meaning for me. The first conundrum for me is that all of my reflections run opposite to the usual messages about the day provided by the happy-talk consensus culture. I can't share in the glowing good vibes about it. Actually, I tend more towards just numbing out, or at least pretty detached from considering it a day of celebration.

So I know, and you the reader can probably surmise, the many agonies of my relationship with that person I can only bear to call the 'm'. And in turn I've analyzed, re-analyzed, tried and tried again, to understand what if any meaning any celebration of her role in my life can have for me. Mystery Day would be a better fit.

I actually have several 'mystery' days -- from birthday to f's day. The memories are too raw to want to allow in anymore, although I can't completely control it if they do. So if I have to acknowledge these, Mystery Day seems like a better fit. I'm either odd or creative, I guess; more likely both.

Back to what prompted this rant. All the analyses, plus benefits of the doubt have never covered over the sheer confusion and terrors her memory arouses. And that brings the mystery forward.

Bottom line? There's just no sense that can satisfy my curiosity/anger about that person. So it remains, probably for the better, just an unfathomable mystery. Sometimes I grieve that, and while I can't wholly ignore its effects, I can't wholly prevent such thoughts from filtering into  my thought-stream.
Perhaps it's best if instead of dwelling so much on her I consider such thoughts to be like passing clouds; disappointed they're overhead but aware the sky is likely to clear behind it.

There's a reason for the memories -- even if they're better left hidden nowadays, without any of them I'd be prone to forget the most important result of that agonizing past -- I'M SAFE -- AND FREE -- NOW!  :cheer:

I'm free to find the peace I'd once given up on. Mostly a mystery, but it makes my life easier to navigate, and that's what counts.

Happy Mystery Day  :bigwink:.

General Discussion / Re: I saw a great sign today
« on: April 23, 2021, 12:08:04 AM »

Thanks so very much, Sage, for sharing that. Its message also dovetailed perfectly with the T session I had today.

Recovery Journals / Re: Owl's journal
« on: April 21, 2021, 11:05:23 PM »
Owl, you wrote: " ... I also feel kind of bad to be sharing my good news while I know that everyone here is still struggling. I still am a bit in disbelief at the difference..."

I think there's little reason to 'feel kind of bad' for sharing the good news you've been sharing lately. For me at least, these vibes highlighting progress are always welcome, refreshing, and very encouraging to see. When one of us is able to take even the smallest step forward, it raises our spirits as well.

So, congratulations and thanks  :thumbup: are in order -- the good stuff may not seem dramatic, but it's valuable for everyone to see when things can go well, too. It's like looking over a scary cliff and discovering that yes, there is a new path after all.

Thanks again.   :grouphug:

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