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Mine is derived from 2 circumstances.

I literally live in a cabin in the woods (those holiday greeting cards with the little cabin? It's 'mine', give or take some details). And it was my choice, how I wanted to live...and definitely related to cptsd. Walker lists traits common to what he calls the 'freeze' sorts of survivors. My dominant 'theme' starts with 'hermit'; it has both positive and negative qualities, e.g. I can be sociable (had to be for various jobs) but need the solitude to balance the overwhelm. Even if I became urban (I grew up in a city), the deep woods would suit my temperament the best. As a kid, my dreams of a better life always involved what I call 'wilderness visions'.

Tacking 'gnome' on as the last part stems from my interest in folklore, and forest gnomes (as opposed to garden and home sorts) match my hermit side with another characteristic--uncertainty about humans. Not contemptuous of them, just wary of where/why/how they can be so frightful    to so many, including their own kind.

  Hi, FutureForward.

Something unique here is the common reaching for what we know and sense--that there can be a once elusive good side to all this grief we've carried for so long. On this forum there are others who've reluctantly walked the path and who choose to share their hopes, disappointments, and more. While it can be rough going, those hopes can at least seem more real than ever before. So the sharing and outlooks available here can provide insights not easily discovered on one's own.

Welcome.

Joeybird wrote: "It's like I'm afraid to be angry."

Oh yeah. And a big roadblock comes from times I've tried before. Before Walker, and still while trying to work with the grief/anger steps, something seems to snap in me and I crash. Then the anger reverts to self-anger and I repeat an old hatred of mine: self-hatred, where all the angry feelings boomerang back to me. No amount of desperation has ever broken this cycle. I think it's beyond time that I can feel enabled to get past such a huge obstacle.

But I'm also learning that mere intention won't get me there. The work has been hard. Actively accepting the self-hate regrets within the new possibility of finding self-love is my current task in therapy; and man, is it hard. The cruel paradox is the harder I try, the more elusive it can seem. Paradox describes it well--because sometimes I feel the best when I can truly relax (yoga nidra is helping) into the acceptance that even I deserve a spot in this thing called love.

Hard; I accept that...then I fall into the slow notion that maybe I can try/relax and not let go of what I'm learning to the point of feeling that it's been well and truly learned. Then instead of the self-hatred repeating, a little glistening of self-love can break through the tough soil, ready for nurturing and care. Whew!--I will be so happy to feel that and not just dream it.

Oyyy--but then to get to the self-love I'm also aware that self-worth has to come even before that...on and on, it seems...so an especially hard part then becomes the courage to stick with whatever seems to be pointing out the way. Then it's obvious once more--I'm alone with this...so alone.

 Have you thought of altering the goal to where you'd still be contributing creatively but not so intensely involved right now (although that could happen later if it seemed an appropriate route to consider)? My response comes to mind in reaction to your self-description, where you said: "I'm a writer, but the freelance work I have now isn't anywhere near enough financially and there is no human interaction." And later you added: "I work as paid writer as I can get freelance work"...

I'm no expert on the job market for the mental health field, but maybe there's a practicing therapist looking for writing help or assistance with editing or other tasks? Maybe they need someone with writing experience to design a new brochure or something similar--book, thesis, magazine article, etc.? Perhaps they'd be open to hiring someone with those tasks, or developing sort of an internship arrangement with the grad school.

This could point the way towards joining your creative talents to a therapist's needs for an assistant with writing ability. I know, it sounds far-fetched, maybe even a little crazy, but exploring the possibility might provide further insight into what being a full-fledged therapist involves. And/or you might even find another option you hadn't thought of, one that still fit your goal of helping people and draws on your creative writing skils as well.

All of what's been discussed in this thread reflects huge aspects of my life for soooo long. Only within the last couple of years have I been able to brake the over-analyzing impulse. In other words, I'm more accepting of myself, but have also been able, painfully/slowly, to reach out of my 'iceberg' existence and function in the outer reality, even if it doesn't seem like 'my' reality. This of course can be scary, upsetting, and disorienting; but I feel more confident my iceberg/balloon tendencies are only a natural outcome of trauma that actually aided my survival. Denying that would be like reopening the wounds that caused it in the first place.

Sometimes what works best is when I forget trying so hard to critique everything I do; that's the Inner Critic's stance, to go over and over what I'm doing wrong, creating a category of good/bad and putting myself on the bad side all the time. Still seems slow, at times it's very discouraging, but I've plodded along to better accept what's called dissociation as a huge but okay part of what life has been like. Yet it doesn't precisely define my existence anymore, either; it's there but it certainly isn't right or wrong, and I'm not a bad person because of it.

I'm still learning to go easy on myself and slack off the habit of constant self-criticism. While that's my new attitude, some days I feel incapable of accepting myself that way--it's still so new. The alternative--what I'm working towards--is viewing myself as already complete and especially as a good person being who I can be as best I can; ideally oriented more to possibility than staying trapped inside all the time. And no longer treating any difficulty as a failure.

This reminds me of the conundrum of achieving one step, but moving carefully into the new territory; lest one falls back again. I had a recent dissociation event myself, but my therapist pointed out #1) experiencing dissociation needn't be considered wrong or bad, only as a natural defensive reaction to trauma; and that 2)I can consider what happened and perhaps find another angle (which I did, via her help).

So I guess it's also one of those damned if you do/don't paradoxes. Tricky area to navigate, but your post shows a willing curiosity about it, not a supercharged panic mode that bids you to turn back entirely. After all, this is new; other strong emotions might flow in, but maybe they'll even be good ones for where you need to be.

As you indicate, there may be further dissociation or other hazards ahead, but at least you know you were able to handle it this time, strange as it seemed. Having done that, it may help you reach a level of confidence that indicates it's safe to proceed; but wise to do so with caution, aware of encountering raw feelings but more confident about yourself, too.   

First, Sandstone, I share your fear of coming across as fully as we'd like. It's challenging to express these things adequately using words only. Still it's all we have here, and I'm grateful to have at least that outlet.

Regarding others with cptsd, I surmise there'd be many, of varying degrees relative to where they'd land within the diagnostic models. That said, I knew of someone a couple years back who seemed obviously very affected by cptsd symptoms, exhibiting--and admitting--all of Pete Walker's descriptions regarding the fight type of response; being a freeze myself, suffice to say it wasn't easy communicating/sharing much in the way of coping skills. When we'd discuss it at all, she'd just relay how she realized it made her incredibly feisty and left it at that. I could tell she really was crying out for help, but on the flip side she seemed resistant at wanting to fully follow through. Given my own freeze traits, and her trend to narcissistic behaviours, any sort of mutuality kind of fizzled.

Thanks for these--sometimes it's so hard to say what cptsd really feels like; art can fill that gap in painful, poignant, and sometimes hopeful ways.

I also found some very evocative art/word posters which touched me. The link is:

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/tag/posters/
   --scroll down the left side for the full gallery;

Another one with compelling images is:

https://charlottefarhanartactivism.com/tag/art-and-cptsd/

One little addendum to what I wrote above.

You wrote of acceptance. So often that's taken to mean resignation to crummy fate and past circumstances. It can; but what you're expressing speaks more to active acceptance. You know where you were on the trail, its real effects. And how you've struggled with that...so far! But in accepting that, you also accept that you have other options than to merely stay with the past steps.

Thanks for pointing that out, Joeybird. I'm sure this seems trite to many, but I know I need to be frequently reminded of that simple truth; to accept and actively be creating a fresh outlook, from where I am now (the only place I can be).

Joeybird wrote: "I realized that this is what I'm like and I've accepted it..." Congrats ; it's a level we don't always realize--that we're already started on our new journey, even amidst all the leftover difficulties that easily pop into view. But just as easy (which we forget) is to realize that each new step can bring a fresh perspective as we journey on. A favourite author of mine puts it this way:

"Know that a new life can only grow from the earth upon which you stand. A new painting must always begin with a canvas. Use the canvas that is given now. Even old canvases can hold fresh paint."  ---Jeff Foster

Self-blame via the inner critic is one of those habits I also have a hard time breaking effectively. It's vicious and recycles; and often illogical besides. It's my first response--what did I do to cause/deserve/exacerbate/escalate the situation, etc. Lots of exhaustive self-blame talk can emerge from inner critic until I can't stand it. I'm so used to 'falling on my sword' for anything gone even slightly askew that it makes functioning a tiring challenge.

The ideal would be to report having found a sure way to deal with it. But even that sets up the jaws of defeat when the sure thing doesn't seem to work out; or at least didn't live up to one's expectations. The only thing is to return to basics with the hope that it can stick as a habitual response rather than a forced one (e.g. if I do it this way it will always feel good).

For me, it's helps to remember Tara Brach's RAIN method. R--recognize what's going on; A--allow all the thoughts, even the bad ones, to be there; I--investigate (mindfully) what's going on, with self-kindness; and N--not identifying with unworthiness or negative vibes about your self.

The feelings are all there, you allow yourself the freedom to investigate, and you dis-identify with the habitual past parts. Mindfulness in action, drawing on the inner reserves you'd forgot you had. But for me there's still the caveat of more self-blame when I forget to practice the RAIN, or any, process. Still I'm finding it's helping to make me less prone to accept inner critic's first response and collapse into a crisis of self-blame.

Hope your situation has been resolved, but especially hope you've regained some equilibrium and inner strength again.

Thanks for that perspective, meursault.

I love the notion of doing things with and for the inner child. It took me a long while to actually visualize finding and incorporating him into my present existence. Still I find it easy to fall into the inner critic's trap of smirking and telling myself to stop pretending, get real, stop trying to imagine your way out of your miserable life,  .

Kind of sad, though--I prided myself on imagination for much of an adulthood spent as an improv actor. My primary task was to imagine scenarios, and then create believable scenes for performances. And yet I found it difficult to utilize my imaginative sparks to help in my own life after doing so well in the theatrical settings. Because despite my public success, I never could achieve that with my own hurting private self, due to all the cptsd-related effects discussed so often here.

It took lots of mental energy to finally accomplish the visualization exercise I described above. When I get down on myself now, all I need to do is picture that little fellow I've finally brought with me into my present moment self.

Your post reminded me to stay with it. And for all (I'm looking at YOU, Inner Critic! ) who would joke about reality and all that jazz, why on earth do we even have an imagination without drawing on it when needed?  In a way, I'm not just finding an inner child again, but returning my imagination to tackle the most important role of its life, blending the story of that inner child into my total being. My renewed imagination is finally able to create a meaningful space for me that I could only do for others in days past.

So your tale of you and the inner child has indeed helped and encouraged me to stay on track. Thanks again!

I just want to clarify something I wrote earlier that might have been misunderstood. By touching on my reaction to certain religious terms that can trigger me, I wasn't suggesting that such references could or should ever be screened in any way. I was just reporting my reactions as an example of how some might have unique personal triggers that others don't; and which can't be realistically screened. I hardly expect people, even if they knew of my history, to ever totally filter what they say around me because of that. It's my responsibility to find a personal safe zone with what can come up.

I don't/can't avoid religion per se; am actually fascinated by parts of it, and have read oodles of materials on all aspects of it (more than many religious people); but most of it's just too painful for me to want to personally revisit. Horrible as my experience was, it did improve my 'hypocrisy detector' dramatically, a 'silver lining' of sorts, I suppose; not worth the abuse to get it, but it's still cool to have an ability to scrutinize the loudmouths (see, it's hard to not have a rant break out when religion comes into my view). 

Avoidance isn't the issue I have, but knowing and enhancing my own skills in dealing with some words I hear, as if I'm not careful they can trigger awful emotions from childhood associations with the words used. I've come to better understand my boundaries and go from there, and found I can even become comfortable with some folks I know that have found their religion to have had positive effects for them. Compared to many, I hold what some call spiritual values (derived from within) but not religious leanings (externally enforced via doctrines, rules, etc). So yes, religious terms can present me with major triggering reactions, but I realize that's the case and am working with stabilizing my emotional security accordingly. Reality is I can't fully escape those triggers anyway.

Regarding the outright swear words issue, as I said earlier I really didn't sense that it was a huge problem, that the the filters in place were alright if not foolproof, and that those burned when seeing the words were protected at least to a degree. Again, there doesn't seem to be a perfect way short of full-scale censorship, and it's already been touched on how that can do more harm than good in stifling one's emotional overwhelm, which is what so many here are already sifting through as is.

As someone who's had lifelong difficulty standing up for myself, expressing emotions as strongly as I can is critically important in working through the recovery process. So I value full vents, as it were; but also realize that venting can hurt if certain language gets over the top. Tweaking the guidelines, then, seems better than an extreme overhaul. Not perfect (speaking of trigger-words!--e.g. 'be perfect, now'), but more workable than draconian bans on expressing strong emotions.

I suspect I may be sort of an outlier here, or at least have a slightly different take on foul language and its connections with abuse and what constitutes triggering words.

I guess the first thing I'll share is I was trapped in many layers of physical, emotional and sexual abuse while within the clutches of 13 years of religious schooling and bad parenting. Interestingly, I don't recall any overt swearing by any of the abusers (although the father came up with some wonderful alternatives) . I don't give them much credit for their 'niceties', though. It was all woven into their utter hypocrisy in everything else. Actually, had they sworn even a little, It might have even altered my opinion of them from non-human monsters to only sub-human.  In retrospect, it almost seems worse not to have had rotten language in the mix; might even have made them seem less hypocritical.

Consequently, the sort of language that can set me off to sure trigger-land are simple things many wouldn't identify as offensive. I can easily be brought to at least near-trigger territory by religious words, as I came to associate them with those used by the abusers. A simple word like love, especially when paired with a deity's name, was totally twisted by how they contradicted everything they said it meant.

I know, I'm adult now, right? True enough, but even the most innocent 'holy' words can be cringe-worthy triggers and can unleash very painful emotions. And only a few people seem to grasp  how I came to be that way--I find myself ducking/dissociating often when I hear such talk around me. It actually took me decades to learn not to distrust all religious language, as it would raise the discomfort level and exacerbate side effects like shortness of breath, droopy posture, low to no self-respect, etc.  So while what's called foul language can roll right by me, some of the more accepted religious words can drag my spirits down.

As to language on this forum, I do think it would be a bit over the top if resorted to regularly; yet I understand that sometimes certain words can pop in, and integrity can likewise be lost by carefully having to tiptoe around. I live in an area where I hear some very salty language bandied about. By the same token, it does bother me when conversations can't pass without them. Another example--I love comedy skits; used to perform them myself. But when they seem to have to be laced with every epithet included (unless creatively crafted), it comes off as phony, contrived, and can greatly demean the speaker's effect.

I've never seen 'the words' as an overt problem on this forum. Mostly the members work it out themselves, and sure some of the language can get rough, but I've never noticed a huge outbreak either. And yes, not everyone has shed their sensitivities to certain ways of speaking. Seems like there's a finer sensitivity to that, though, which most posters here have been attuned to.

But yes, a guideline still seems worthwhile. Hopefully the word 'civility' will always be uppermost, but not in a phony way either. The most civil exchanges can indeed be laced with anger--lots of it in some instances. I've had a few pretty strenuous rants here myself. While I hear many of those supposed nasty words rattle around my mind space, knowing that and needing to emphasize them, especially in written form, is another matter.

With regards to 'trigger warnings', one problem I've felt is that some of us have different triggers, as with my religious example above. Many would never consider a simple saying like "the love of god" to be a trigger; but I know of someone who might twinge at hearing it--me. What lurks behind those words I'm still 'angering' out of my system, as it were. I can think of umpteen epithets I'd love to hurl in response to my abusive history. I suppose even that, though, could merit a trigger warning just for the suggestion. And we all do talk to ourselves, constantly; epithets included, even if we don't like them, or are reminded of episodes that leave us wallowing in self-pity or boiling over with rage.

Thorny dilemma, to say the least.

Hi, Alliematt .

As you noted, "what in the world do you do when everyone says they are right"? My own journey started out as one big spiritual abuse situation--especially from denominational outfits (it hurts to call them 'schools'--they used spirituality/religion as a mask behind which they felt free to abuse their 'lambs'). I touched on this sordid tale long ago on this forum and only mention it here as background.

Even after I got outta *, I still wondered about spirituality's role in my life. I studied endless philosophies and slants ranging across a wide swath of religious and other approaches to living a meaningful life.

My conclusion was: to just live as best I can. And stop the pursuit of the perfect fit. None of 'em can do that for me anyway; when all the truth peddlers are finished, in the end I'm still lonely and only I can sift through the messages for what resonates in my heart.

But moving even further, I've determined that okay, all (even my abusers  ), can have what's called spirituality/religion if they want. I've come to prefer the view that all of life is 100% spiritual 100% of the time, that your life as you live it is never not spiritual. Some first nations tribal groups reflect this in their language--some have no word for what we call spirituality, period. Yet they're considered very 'spiritual' by many, based on how they've chosen to live their lives, not on any rigid doctrines or creeds (although some have them as well).

That said, I'm okay with a variety of approaches if people see it as beneficial for themselves and/or others, unless and until they are abusive, as my early childhood experience was. So personally, I probably fall into what's called apatheism--I'm apathetic about the what part of anyone's beliefs until they cross those lines touched on earlier.