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Not sure who said it but I like this one:

Be the person you needed when you were younger.

Quick note about the hope as it relates to Zach's music...his sister kept a blog after he died.
https://sailingwiththeknight.wordpress.com/

In it, her second-to-last entry is titled "To Hope, Anyway." She'd had a hard time understanding what his hope had really involved. She wrote: "I thought that hope was easy, because Zach made it look that way. And I am only now realizing, through the lens of my own sadness, that hope is really a virtue." In other words, Zach just chose to have hope, not for a cure, but as Dutch Uncle calls it, an "active" hope.

Zach decided first, not to have surgery which would have left him in a vegetable-like state; because he wanted to live life, no matter his time frame...plus he told his mum that he wanted to be a friend to others with the songs; it was an "active" decision he lived each day. It wasn't a pull-it-in tough guy denial, he was actively choosing to have "hope, anyway."

Lifecrafting, you asked me this: "I know you say you spend much of your time alone; do you mind if I ask about your feelings/thoughts of creating new friendships?" I was lucky that my full/part-time career in acting brought me in touch with lots of people, despite my constant cptsd "freeze"-type people-fear. I had this talent, and it oddly rubbed straight up against one of my sorest wounded points--people.

One of my gigs involved putting together a small troupe for several years, and that's where all 4 of those friends came from...they learned to "love" me and I them, despite the fact I could never fully accept them when they expressed their affection. I'm still accepting them, and it's now alone, as they've all moved on. And I have no idea where/when/how I'll ever find friends like them again. Except for some solo stuff, I'm pretty much retired from that field. And so I just go along with the "hope, anyway" now planted via Zach's story.

Thanks, DU and Lifecrafting, for your observations. Sorry for the sidetrack, but wanted to clarify what some saw in the how/why of his last days. Now back to music...

 

A couple years back, I was desperately struggling with hope. What was hope? What do I hope for? How? Why even bother?
I had only 4 real friends anyway, and all 4 of them died within months of each other. They were the only friends I ever had who understood me, unconditionally. I was a hopeless wreck.

And then I ran into the song "Clouds" which is linked below.
Once I'd heard it, and looked into the story behind it, it didn't just make me feel better, it gave me a whole new perspective on hope. And the person who gave me that hope himself had died by the time I'd heard it.

The short story: 17-year-old Zach Sobiech knew he had just months to live (as it turned out, 5 mos after this song was recorded). His mother had suggested he write some farewell letters to family and friends. He tried, but had always loved music, and instead of letters he wrote songs. After a radio interview for a cancer fundraiser where he performed the song "Clouds", the radio station offered to help him record it in a professional studio. It had been written as a farewell to his family (the lady on the video is his mother Laura, and the lyric "you were holding a rope" refers to his gratitude for her help).

It was only meant for family, but someone suggested it be put on youtube, and then it ended up on itunes, but Zach insisted that any funds go to osteosarcoma research. Both the video and itunes single went viral, and stories poured in from people who'd also given up hope, but found a way back via this kid's song.

Okay, there's another song--"Fix Me Up"--posted below "Clouds". This was a song written with Zach's lifelong friend Sammy Brown. When they got older they would write lyrics together; "Fix Me Up" was their joint farewell, and it too was put on video, first for a benefit concert and then put on YouTube as well.

The circumstances hit me another way--I never had the obvious family love that shows up in the song and video. Of course I cringe at that but it also felt good that this kid had that, and his song gave hope to so many. Okay, enough of my words.

Clouds:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDC97j6lfyc

Fix Me Up:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KvSYZHmhIAM

True healing
is not the fixing of the broken,
but the rediscovery
of the Unbroken.

- Jeff Foster

Hold on, counting up...okay, my latest finger count comes to 60-something. Which is good, as I'm not sure if I really feel 13, 26, 41, 55, or 87 yet. Wonder if I should pick another before I change my mind?

Umm, I must look like a poor model for recovery, eh? So maybe if I adjust the rocker (uh-oh; don't have one, already blowing the stereotype).

I recall when I was a youngin' of 44 or so, and I was sure I'd wrapped up my long process of recovery from an abysmal childhood, and some adult crud besides (lots, actually). My way of wrapping up involved a visit to a T for some vague idea of where I might go next with my journey. btw, I'd never actually visited a T before; I've had 8 since (if I counted right).

So I filled out the paperwork, and was all set for the ride up the elevator, past recovery to the penthouse suite. I'd put in so much time already, mostly on my own too--old self-reliant me. After years of self-help and personal improvement books, seminars, workshops, intensives, all of that--the elevator crashed as the T read what I'd checked off and written, and...

"Do you know what PTSD is?" Well, yeah, surely she's not suggesting that...? She probed, I answered, years of denial and self-hate and shame and every hidden fear--all still rattling around; it all crashed as I cried at the realization that I'd only been hiding behind loads of grief and agony; the elevator had hit the ground so hard it created a crater.

"But, but, ...I've done so much work; read so much that I understand now... ", I told the T...I'm too old for this stuff, no?" She told me she'd worked with people as old as 87 who'd never cleared the skids, either...age doesn't seem to matter. The if/when/what of feelings don't run chronologically, although that's society's message.

Since then, the only difference is perhaps I now see that the important part of all this isn't going to be a defined end point in Recovery Heaven. The old movie scenes of "my" life are all still in reruns, the new resembles the old, some days are better than others, and, and, and...

All of which is my poor attempt to lay out one old tart's journey, and how age doesn't matter. But what do I know? I'm just 60ish, or 33, or 51?, or....?

Hi, glbreed...

I've been on a ride resembling yours, especially the early stuff, it appears, the hypocrisy of the bigoted hateful misfired mixed-up posers who pretended they're in tune with a deity and by g they'll gladly share the good news of love as soon as you shut up and obey the only way. You know the rest.

What I ended up learning best, was that life involves a whole lot of unlearning. It's pretty unfair, and accepting it is one of the hardships of following the unlearning curriculum. Stepping past and out of the dung left from the ugly past is pretty hard but we pluck along.

"Isolation" is my middle name; maybe it should be my primary one. Partly chosen, I've been fortunate enough to have physically isolated myself from it, but the inner hurt never leaves. Still unlearning, maybe accepting more, but never retreating from the recovery journey.

I hope you can find some means to stay on your path out of what you described. Wish I could say it's easy, but I gave up hypocrisy back then, too. Look around--we're feeling your pain even as we seek to live with ours.

Good to see you here.

Saw this quote and the followup question and thought they matched well what some of us struggle with so often.

"We don't always know what makes us happy. We know, instead, what we think should. We are baffled and confused when our attempts at happiness fail...we are mute when it comes to naming accurately our own preferences, delights, gifts, talents. The voice of our original self is often muted, overwhelmed, even strangled, by the voices of other people's expectations. The tongue of the original self is the language of the heart."

--Julia Cameron

What truly makes you happy? If the voice of your original self could talk to you, what would it say?

----------------
Hey Lifecrafting--loved the Thomas Moore quote you posted above. It's soooo like him; took a class with him once...the funniest was how many people were totally baffled by his wit, nuanced humour, and fresh take on things. Truly an original.

Okay, I'm hesitant advising anyone or suggesting anything re medicine. I know they can be used legitimately and that they've helped many people here and in the general public.

But, I'm also aware of how "Big Pharma" gets in the mix with doctors from md's to psychs and even T's. And it seems to happen under the radar quite a bit.

Here's how it can easily come about, though. Doctors are usually very busy; some long-time practitioners (remember--it is called a PRACTICE) have long been out of their idealistic start-up when they were fresh out of learning the trade and eager to just help people.

And then more info comes along. They miss it; too busy. Meanwhile, the drug co. reps are happy to fill in the new need for info with their latest products. I've literally seen this happen in a doctor's office; the md even left an appointment to service the reps ahead of the  waiting patients.

Plus we live in a society where answers are demanded. Patients demand prescriptions, and docs, even if they're out of the loop themselves, might recall the latest samples left by the last drug company reps. The same doc I referred to above had a room full of samples and would sometimes make no bones about "here, try this" when he didn't have a clue himself. Once I ended up with some samples that set off my asthma big-time; he was surprised, and I even had to point to the product warnings themselves online, as they weren't in the actual sample he handed over.

So okay, what can a wary person do? There is a website that has tracked doctor payments. It is:

https://www.propublica.org/

On the opening page, if you scroll down there's a box you can fill in with docs name, etc...it's labeled "Has your health professional received drug company money?"

Elsewhere in the site, they have a page of several of their reports on this. That page is;

https://www.propublica.org/investigations/

There are several relevant articles there about lots of shady dealings, not all of them concerning meds, but many are; one's aptly called "Dollars for Doctors".

Again, I'm not on some high-horse about this, but I'm aware of what can happen--I had a close friend who was a victim of incorrect drug interactions that probably contributed to her sudden death; the meds in question were psych drugs she was using for depression. But her husband says she was never advised that they would affect other meds she was taking.

That brought this problem very close to me, and it scares me to think how hidden this problem has become, where some of us who legitimately need relief were taken advantage of.

Kudos and thanks for that heartfelt tribute to one of the world's best guides of this wacky thing called the mind. His absence will create a huge void in the still new field of understanding ourselves, and his work was of universal importance.

Speaking of interpretation--I did find the Dutch link. All of the links you posted are insightful and useful...THANK YOU for that! And thank you for sharing the huge impact he's had on your personal journey.

Those lines from Prospero's speech are some of my favourites. The Canadian singer Loreena McKennitt adapted it for a tune she wrote a while back, and I'll close with her words:

And now my charms are all o'erthrown
And what strength I have's mine own
Which is most faint; now t'is true
I must be here confined by you

But release me from my bands
With the help of your good hands
Gentle breath of yours my sails
Must fill, or else my project fails,
Which was to please.
Which was to please.
Now I want spirits to enforce, art to enchant
And my ending is despair,
Unless I be relieved by prayer

Which pierces so that it assaults
Mercy itself and frees all faults
As you from crimes would pardon'd be
Let your indulgence set me free

----------------------

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sc5WPpqn13k


Take care, Dutch Uncle. 

Indigo, I can't begin to say how petrified I was to ever give a speech, let alone the tons of speaking/acting roles I've performed for years since I first "fell into" speaking. Stage fright has never left, and my horrible inner critic always trots right along. Funny, some of my worst performances seemed to happen when I was most relaxed.

Stage fright serves a purpose, I guess. No one who knows me otherwise would ever suspect that I've successfully spoken to some pretty large crowds over the years.

I had a friend who went the toastmasters route, and gained enormously from it; he always had the jitters, but one would never know it, and he accomplished a lot because he was able to do so.

In my case, I'd developed a behind-the-scenes reputation in a topic that was being presented in a quasi-theatrical setting and I was just asked to "say something" about my expertise...and it came off well. Here's the shocker, though--I think one reason it did come off well, was actually my fear of doing it in the first place!

Because I was so petrified, I think I actually (nervously) found myself hamming it up a little, but the audience loved it.  That one-night stand led to an unlikely career in acting (albeit supplemented with several "supporting" mini-careers). This would shock anyone who knows me only offstage. Once when I did an audition in a distant city, I stayed overnight with some people whose reaction after was "but you're not like that at all, are you?" Well, surprised them, but not me.

I still, good as "they" all say I was, shy away from actively seeking speaking/acting gigs, though; 'cause just being around people still terrifies me and I'm class A hermit/avoidant/freeze sort besides.

Eye contact? Well, I never got there, it terrifies me, but I found I could still speak without tripping myself out about it. It did help that I had the expertise behind the performance. But I also developed a method where I just kind of look "over" the heads of the audience--no one's ever detected or commented on my doing it.

I've learned to ignore even trying for eye contact--I know that's my achilles heel, for sure.  Although I DO notice many times when I see other speakers use exactly the same "over the head" technique I mentioned. But also, speaking in front of a group isn't at all like, say, sitting across a table as happens in FtoF type conversation--they all blend in and you don't especially notice the eyes. 

I actually have a gig coming up in October that I'm very reluctant about; I'm already nervous as * about it. One good deal--it's being done in candlelight! Won't be easy to see those darting eyes following my every move.

So if you have a particular expertise in something, perhaps that's a starting point, if you get a chance or are asked to speak?  Just stick to what you know without worrying about the eyes.

Your last line--"Sounds great, but i feel i know how it will go."--struck me big-time. Well, take a chance and "don't know". At least your mum won't be there? I had the advantage that my entire performance career happened after I'd left the FOO entirely. 

My stage-fright is horrendous, as I've said--and there were a couple occasions when I had to physically remove myself, even to an offstage closet to clear the mind (sometimes it even works into the act ). Eye contact? Forget it, can't do it. I was shocked enough to find I could do stage roles, given my severe people phobias.

So, for what it's worth (probably not much), just wanted to share some thoughts that came to mind when I read your post. It's familiar ground for me, a huge concern/fear of mine that's never left. I'd like to say it's easy and my good times were because I "just got over it", but we all know the hypocrisy of that one.

What a fantastic website you found--WOW!! It echoes much if not all of what I do. Thanks  for posting that link. Following a regime along what he says was the best approach I ever found (my "change" followed advice from a "protein power lifestyle" book; I can't find it right now, but it was a married couple who co-authored it).  I recall once, when I was in some low-fat dietary kick, I had some bad breathing stuff going on, then one day splurged and downed a ton of "paleolithic" sorts of foods. Bingo--asthma dissipated.

The inflammation seems to be a key. I love his pic of "eat real foods"--so simple and easily overlooked. In my case changing the diet to follow his path even tended to wash over to the emotional needs. And/or the psychology of doing it my way supported the notion that I could get a grip, if not entirely by myself, at least following an easier route.

I've had only 2 setbacks, but they were huge--a night of an ambulance run a decade ago and some years before a bout of pneumonia, where I ended up with some broken ribs just from coughing. But guess what? The only sure cause I came up with (the docs were mystified) was the cptds ef/trigger effect. I'd had severe flashbacks going on before both occasions. It scared me this last weekend when I had an enormous ef pounce but I weathered it and the asthma didn't take a dive; and that diet helped, as far as I'm concerned.

His dairy (except for "real" butter) and bread recommendations--yup. I'll still do limited bread intakes like thin rye crackers, maybe; but bread only occasionally. And pasta combos, like he discusses, cut 'em out. Plus I only hit restaurant food on rare occasions nowadays.

So glad you found this site; wish I'd followed that path when younger. There might still be some trial/error in getting a handle on it, but you're showing some great resolve with the steps you're taking ! I hope you can come up with a good doc who can speak in more than meditalk terms. Be upfront about the emotional part, 'cause md's tend to discount it; just my own experience, but they always were hand-in-hand---I couldn't deal with one fully without the other factored in.

Take good care 

My life has been one huge funk. Period. I have no grand formulas about getting out of funks, but like yours, they reach a point of hopelessness...which is kind of good, as the best starting place is one with no expectations. That might seem odd, but no expectations kind of clears out a space.

Think about what you know. Now, think about what you don't know. Which has more room for growth?

Maybe that's our hope, our clue, our step towards healing. The new knowledge doesn't replace what we did know, those memories (good and bad). But the new knowledge also brings with it new possibilities, infinite amounts actually; vast spaces of 'em. 

The door is open; go ahead, take a peek. Nothing there.
Therefore peaceful. But in its nothingness it's full--of possibility.

Possibilities are endless, but they're often hidden. Funks come and go; but they pounce on our psyches, they're habit-driven.

Possibility never ends, though--it's bigger than even the grandest funk could ever be. It's almost a surprise when those possibilities become visible. It...does...happen .

Why so hard now? Why indeed...our minds accumulate so much junk it becomes the norm; and it takes help to make up for it. That's why many of us are with you on this path.

I hope you can turn the corner and see those possibilities; and there'll be more to follow. 







   

This is awful...I feel terrible for you, for this on top of the  emotional roller-coaster ride of the last year. Unfortunately, the emotional side can be the biggest factor in the creation of breathing troubles. I know--it was/is a big part of my journey as well. 

Asthma is awful, tricky, and flies under the radar despite its apparent rise in cases. Plus it seems like even p's and t's are quick to prescribe without consideration of side effects. Beta blockers for sure have no part in being prescribed for asthma patients, from my limited experience with them.

Maybe you have to assume it is asthma and go from there? Whether that means seeing an asthma specialist or not, it may have to be your starting point. But first, doesn't the school have a health service of its own that could provide an alternative assessment? I mean they're more attuned (one would hope) to the student population's needs than a general md or psych or T would, for that matter.

But if the emotional meds interfere with the breathing, you might want to deal with the breathing before it gets worse, and start with the assumption it is asthma and work from there until you find its definitely not what's going on.

A good asthma specialist might be more aware of the emotional meds interactions, better than the gp, psych or T would; I had experience with one, and that was definitely the case, plus he'd had asthma himself. My question for you would be--have the psych meds made a distinctive difference? Do they seem totally necessary to get through the emotional side? If not, then maybe you can back off.

Let me cycle back to the school. I once was part of a study program for a new asthma drug via a center tied to a university in a metro area a bit distant from here, but they actually paid a stipend and travel to be part of it. I can't say it helped a lot, but can't say it was a bust either--for that time and place, it was an option. Since then, it's mainly my life style and diet that have worked out the best.

I so hope you can find some relief from this; it's awful to have something so automatic for most people flare up without notice. Feel like I'm not much help but please know you are supported and understood. 

Just before I saw your post, I put on a song over at the music section with the opening line "every long journey is made of small steps". Wishing the best steps for today and beyond.

Quote...Arpy1 to woodsgnome:

"becos of something you posted a while back in a different thread, i had a bit of a light bulb moment this week and it has moved me a bit further on the path."

Thanks, arpy1...I always have songs floating through my head, and your post reminded me of one--it's over at the "music" section...I hope it speaks to what you're going through.