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I'm very sorry it turned out like that.  I can't tell you how many times I went through this self-blame funk you're in. It's an awful feeling that might take a while to heal. There's certainly no right/wrong on your part; you tried and gave her every benefit of the doubt.

You didn't blow anything, either. From what you've shared, it's obviously a massive failure on her part, not yours. She didn't seem ready to go beyond her preordained assumptions, or work with you, or even meet you halfway, dominating the time you were paying for with irrelevant chit-chat. You held your end of the bargain, and returned, albeit with doubts. You wanted this so bad, and she flippantly took your money besides.

About the letter--I've a hunch it wouldn't matter to her; certainly not like it does to you. Showing her that sort of courtesy doesn't seem fair, somehow. And you need to be fair to you, first. Something I used to do with letters like the one you're thinking about--I'd write 'em, read 'em again to myself, digest what I wanted to learn from this, and then burn it. Symbolically, if not emotionally, it gave at least a small sense of doing something, anything, to move to the next step.

Discussing other clients? Way beyond the pale. I had one of those too--even worse she spread her stuff around in a group setting like a town gossip, using names. My last T wandered so far afield from my needs I finally blew him off last December. Often before I'd utter a word in session, he was consulting me about some personal problem of his--he wanted me as his T, and I was paying him! 

This after-bit will be hard, but look how far you've come, even  without formal therapy, from your old stuff. You were strong enough then, you will make it past this, too.

                               

Personality typing has long been a part of my crazy journey  trying to figure out what defies figuring. I've gone in/out of how seriously I take it, but find a lot of it intriguing at least, entertaining to ponder, and helpful at its best. Having said that, I've read tons of takes on a lot of approaches, from lots of sources and differing philosophies. Btw, I come out as INFP every time on Myers-Briggs.

But my favourite approach is what's known as the "enneagram". Probably because of the "gram" in there, it sounds techie or ultra-scientific, but it really stems from a combo of older philosophies and theories as to its origins.  I find that speculation a bit mundane, and while useful in deciphering the enneagram's trustworthiness, one's better off, in my opinion, to just dive in, then circle back if the history part suits your fancy. Because once you get into it, there's a lot there. There are quite a few tests out there, as well. I had at least one T who used it in her approach

Okay, short intro--the enneagram is divided into 9 personality types (I'm a 5--the observer/loner--no surprise, although my old tests trended more to 4--the artist/actor). Interestingly, I've noticed most of the T's I had came out as 2's--the helper (if they knew or I, as an "observer" deciphered it that way). Each set of 3 make up a group of related types, each also has a wing. Some authors use different names for the 9 types but they're all close variations.

There's also references to terminology like "orginal wounds" and that sort of critique useful in working with cptsd. The enneagram remains a favourite for when I'm wondering about the role of personality in this messy life. I could go on and on (also no surprise!), but I'll leave you with some websites instead. Actually, there's a ton of 'em if you just do search engine for "enneagram". But for starters, I like these:

https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

http://hurleydonson.com/


Books--again, lots of 'em--I like any by Don Riso or Kathleen Hurley/Theodore Donson. Caveat--there were quite a few "wannabees" who joined the enneagram bandwagon, but it seems like the Riso and Hurley/Donson approach, plus Helen Palmer, have remained the most highly regarded.

Well, happy hunting--there's enough info to 1) pique one's intrigue and 2)keep one occupied for hours touring the enneagram landscape, or mindscape, if you will.

While I've always found "what was your childhood like" to be problematic, I think my first post in this thread was more like a cry of despair. Because wouldn't it really be grand if it was really okay to be asked that question? Not to have to feel like hiding, to be proud of what happened, and not be in all this shame about good memories others take for granted? Oh, if only that were so.

I know. It didn't work out that way, did it. So "what was your childhood like" becomes kind of half-question, half-lament. It's like one's inner child peeks out and wonders: "Can't that happen for me, too? What must that be like?" And we know we better not answer upfront, if it was asked; we'll be misunderstood or face that fear business where we'll feel ridiculed or taunted as some misfit who needs to get over this weakness. But it's sort of a wash either way; there's just this void where once more we have to shut up and take it. Hold it in, all that rot.

I'm sometimes asked to entertain for a local historical society and the folks there tend to love nostalgic tales about their good ol' times growing up (embellished as some of them sound). When it gets rolling, I notice my own inner tension rising. It intrigues but also scares me how fond they can feel about their life stories. They felt so safe, so secure, so happy. I'm left feeling like a tourist in a distant country, and I'll never be able to speak their language.

I sense that they want to draw me in, but when I seem reluctant, in turn they pull back, too. The loop circles around and my invitation to share and join hits me flush; if I'm playing music in my entertainer's role, I retreat into it and let that be my talk. Lonely? Used to that.

On the one hand I'm fascinated by their joyful memories—it gives me a a "good for them" vibe. I just hope I'm not asked THE question for all the reasons mentioned. Cue up "When You Wish Upon a Star...how I wonder how you are...".

Along the lines of what stillhere observed, it may be good to tip the T ahead of time about exactly where you stand. If for no other reason, just to affirm to both (her and you) how you felt about what she laid out and why you can't honestly consider that; not in an accusatory manner so as not to give her an option to turn the focus on her needs instead of yours.   

No matter what some T's act like, it's always an interactive dance between equals. Even if one side seems more desperate for answers, it's only their own power they're reaching for and the T is assisting that process.

While I'm not seeing a T now, I know the feeling of wanting to follow everything they say, as I was weary of my own wanderings. I know there were times when I held back, didn't assert, and everything seemed to come unglued. So maybe you can reset the focus of your next session.

The whole inner child workbook, as hard as you worked with it, seemed like it was easily diminished and deflected by her. Maybe if you point it out, she can pull back and realize yeah, apry1 is right. Maybe it'll come down to her realizing she had a bad day. Or maybe not, but you'll know you tried.

Good luck.   

There's an old acronym that often comes to mind when I see or hear about fear (my own included). Take the letters spelling the word  fear and think of them this way:

F---fantasy
E---expressed
A---as
R---reality

Having a fantasy is just a storyline that can be rewritten. It has no real bearing on the final  outcome. There's room to play with options, and as one moves forward the fictional fantasy that was so frightening just fades away. The only prob is what often gets said here--that's easier said than done. Fantasy is pretty alluring.

How the fear was planted, in your case, was and is painful, but you needn't focus there anymore. You've turned the corner, and while the father and his angry deity might show up in the rear-view mirror, they're no longer in the car with you; now you're the only driver, headed towards your heart's desires. 

Sure it's scary, but you've made a good start by what you've shown via your sharing here and arranging to see the psychiatrist next week. Congratulations on finding the new road; enjoy the trip, and remember, your friends on this forum support you all the way.

Okay--so I got totally carried away by that last post; maybe I'll pull it, but I'll let it sit there for now, and concur with what Kizzie wrote about the 3-thread approach; that sounds cool.

I've been helped a lot in my cptsd recovery by approaches like  humanism, nondual spirituality, that sort of thing.

So if I leave my rant up, well it does reflect the level of agitation than can happen when religion goes bad, I guess.

Otherwise, yeah, there's lots of values that I'm sure many here have found in all these various philosophies. It might be valuable to know about them and, more importantly, how they've helped people come to grips with their cptsd journey.

Many of my posts have touched on aspects of this, as much of my cptsd history involves humiliating, disgusting physical/sexual/emotional tyranny I experienced at "religious" "schools" I was hostage to for my entire youth, grades k-12. I put quote marks around religious and schools because they were only nice respectable cover words for the slime they perpetrated within their walls.

While I've included that story in some of what I've shared in this forum, I've tried to steer clear of beliefs, dogma, etc., all of that. It was never the point. I really don't care about that stuff. If all that dogma was important to them, it sure wasn't to me; my only concern during those years was my personal survival--a different "save me" mentality than they thought.   

The negative of what I endured is easy--no one, anywhere, at any time, in any culture, in any creed, should ever be subjected to that wretched experience. I'm sorry--it's hard for me to muster the strength and certainly find okay words (remember the swearing discussion?) to contain the anger that is sweeping over me right now but I'll try to get a grip.

Okay, stuff happened, and I'm left sifting through the still smoldering rubble of memory.            

There actually is a "positive" outcome, surprise, surprise. No thanks to them, though; but to my own spirit, despite their efforts to destroy it. So the "good" is that I had a front-row seat to hatred, bigotry, hypocrisy, and violence on all levels. Dogma? Love hurts, it's about all I came away with--they didn't teach that love hurt, but it's what I learned. The word, like so many, was just a cover that they felt good about, I guess ('cause there's certainly no logic to it).

Don't worry--I'll wind this rant down now. This just hits every raw emotion so hard.   

Dutch Uncle's point echoes the only value in such a thread--and that's to keep any discussions in the context of cptsd  and not collapse into religious arguments that go no where. There's a fine line sometimes...example: if I see a disconnect about "love" as I experienced it, I'm not denying anyone's religious tenet, but expressing my confused feelings at the disconnect between what was taught and what was practiced. Danged  if I could tell what they meant by their words; they didn't match the actions. Does that make sense?

Because of the role it plays in society, religious references can creep into posts, if the writer has symptoms or EF's that stem from it, whether there's a specific category on the board for it or not. If it was a prime cause of your cptsd problems, for sure it will pop up.

I've never named the religion involved in anything I've written about, only the what/why/how I was so damaged by it. I tried to stick with how it directly hurt me, but not by pouncing on or rejecting tenets of any religion per se. Just the word religion is a strong trigger for me; but so is school...I can't help that, but that's not like saying a religion or belief system is invalid. What I said above bears repeating: I don't care about the outer, it's the inner "me" I'm dealing with.

I do have opinions, but who cares...when I come to this site, it's to find out how cptsd affects people, what I can learn from others about it, and hopefully be able to contribute where I can. This is just about bruised people trying to make their way up from the swamp. There's a zillion internet sites for religious rants, OOTS isn't one of them.

Thanks; hope I didn't offend, this topic comes dangerously close to a lot of my deepest scars.

Curiosity, self-awareness, fortitude in distress, and perseverance. Self-awareness personified. 

Good for you; kudos  for all that hard work, and enjoy the prospect of more discoveries as you move into a vista of possibilities. 

As a self-described "sociable hermit", I don't fare that badly in conversations. Perhaps it helps that my vocational life always involved a variety of necessary social contacts. 

Sometimes I catch certain comments, such as "you seem like you're thinking"; oh, yeah—what they don't realize is that my every interaction with people comes with hyper-vigilant thoughts attached.  It's a drag on my energy that I've never fully mastered—truly in a crowd but never really "in" it, I guess. Or perhaps I just "numb out" of feelings altogether, relying on intuitive instincts to get me through.

I'm also noted for a quirky, almost wild, sense of humour. There again, what people (mostly) don't know is the intense grief from where that funny-side originated; and yes, I know there are times when I hide behind it. Being funny can nicely deflect scrutiny, and I learned to be pretty good at using humour as a sort of safety valve (as an adult; when young I had it, but had to stifle it or risk retribution from some very serious dudes called adults).

There's one social interaction that truly strikes terror in my entire being. It's when someone hits me with this zinger: "So, what was your childhood like?". I want the floor to swallow me, be swept out to sea, or just vanish into thin air when I hear it. No social skills I ever acquired can fully mask my discomfort when someone poses that heart-stopper.

Of course my reticence is tied to all the cptsd crud we talk about here. But try to throw that into a social chat!     I can forget to breathe in the panic of that moment, and my cool "sociable hermit" demeanour easily morphs into "shy misfit".

Reactions can range from "what's wrong?" to "you can tell us—we're friends." Umm...I've learned not to trust that one, 'cause being totally frank carries huge risks—it can draw unwanted overbearing "poor you" sympathy or hostility for being weak or abnormal or...who knows? Soon I'm in my familiar freeze/dissociation mode, living in a "can't win" scenario for my already fragile state of mind.

My anxious response is often just an unsatisfactory "I'd rather not go there", or something like it. Except then it really seems like I'm hiding something, and can quash the simplest conversation. The chat can fizzle awkwardly, and for someone like me where it's so difficult to engage anyway, it can ruin the day, turn up my inner critic, and I seem lost in the swamp of self-loathing again. So tiring, so normal.

Anybody here have similar experiences? If so, how do you fare when THE QUESTION YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR has just been asked?

It's odd, some of the things T's come up with. Maybe they're bored and like sticking little kinks in their approach with the real live people paying them for their expertise? 

Your T perhaps got carried away with her own cleverness. I've been around a couple of those. It's okay to feel bad, but it seems like you're also doing well to question what happened. Bottom line is always you.

Writing about your child "self" as if it was someone else is a problem? Where's the right/wrong of what you wrote? Didn't she agree to go slow in the first place? It's pretty hard on a first go to navigate the minefield of childhood memories, let alone be expected to write to someone else's contrived standards. And then she wanders off to setting you up with something else altogether? Odd.      From what you wrote here, you put so much effort into this, and were invalidated by her, but NOT by those of us who support you. Okay?

Going back to what was discussed earlier on this thread, I see you as a brave explorer...this foray may have gotten you lost in the woods, but here you are, feeling bad but still wanting and hoping.

The journey still beckons. Your searching has hit on one of those step forward/couple back stumbles; so you return to the road, it was where your dreams were. It seems important to take the steps on your own. All of them--a T can suggest, but you're always in charge. Even at your lowest emotional ebb.

"Not doing well", as you said, is only a step. There may be better ones just around the corner. 

The downer is she'll try again.

The upper is you know yourself better, your strength of spirit and where you need to be.

        

One time I was driving, and this powerful song came across the radio by a singer I'd never heard of before. After just a few of the words, I had to pull over and take it all in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlaoR5m4L80

I've always felt haunted by EF's flashing in and out, back and around, no matter what I'd try in an attempt to stop them. I'm sure there's a reason, as was said, and they're painful with a natural instinct to want them to stop. They don't, we wonder, but maybe it really can only be the mystery laid out in the song.

Quote Trace: "Maybe it's music that's missing. I've always loved music but most of the time I sit in a quiet house."

My existence sounds oppressive to many--gee, woodsgnome sits around listening to the woods, oh my . Little do (well, okay, some do) people know the music that gets played here--including some I do on my own instruments. I don't have a TV, but I have a top-line CD player and lots of my favorite genres on disc ready to roll.

And if the mood hits, you said it best:"dance like no one is watching" . 

 

Quote Laynelove: "I don't know how to tell them there is something wrong with me."

First thing, with regards to what you tell about yourself is--there is nothing "wrong" with you! That might not be so much about the date, as about you fully believing that is the case. Even to call it an illness is a bit off-putting. What's going on with us is just that we have had certain events that strongly impacted our lives. The emotional impacts may show, or not. But cptsd is purely normal, it just takes learning a slightly different approach to the mainstream.

My opinion is that using the label cptsd is problematic, especially early in dating someone. While you don't want to paper it over, it's not a detriment to have issues, it can even show you as a strong person working hard on being your true self. Any date may well turn out to have "issues", too.

I dated someone and we were upfront about issues...it was prior to the emergence of the cptsd knowledge base, but abuse and alcoholism backgrounds soon had us on a shared footing, regardless of labels. While the relationship didn't endure (although we still communicate amiably), it helped that we each knew some of the other's struggles.

It can be discouraging, for sure...I'm not actively seeking dates anymore but I wandered onto one of the umpteen singles sites and they had a forum. One of the topics was: If you knew your date had PTSD would you continue? The overwhelming response was no, which is awful and/or just shows ignorance because the cultural messages are to  always be strong, be bold,  . Yikes!!!

Having cptsd isn't something one shouts to the world, but it's probably made you a stronger person. Back to step #1: believe in your self-worth and it might help project the positive vibe you want to show. Cptsd is challenging, but it's a normal response to a rotten set of conditions put in our life's path. It causes a lot of pain, but we find strength where we can from it.

Wishing you the best. 

My only consistency with answers crash back on me all the time. The "search for answers" button is stuck.  Maybe it just comes down to comfort, if one doesn't harm anyone in the process (the addictions game, etc).

Still, the elusive nature of "why" bugs me. Long before I ever got to talk therapy, I found a nice escape via a really cool career. Then life would get a little rough again, and I'd go answer-hunting once more. I tried exhaustive reading--surely one book or article would stand out? Many helpful ones, no lasting calm, no satisfying answers, but I read on. Okay--how about some group workshops--people are my achilles heel, so groups will surely cure my social anxiety and I'd know the "why", I figured...scratch that answer off the pad.

I was once anti-therapy, actually; then I tried it, it did dig under what was hidden. At first. Good T, then she moved and I never found a comfortable T again. I know they must exist--hear about 'em, and maybe if I could find one there'd be answers. Umm--not holding breath on that one.

Oh, great, no answers. Well, they say wonder is a good thing, and that's what no answers implies, so that's small comfort #1. Curiosity tells me I'm still relatively sane, or does it just trick me into more answer searching?

Maybe the real answer is I'm afraid of answers. While I did some hospice volunteering years ago, it didn't prepare me at all for the only true friends I ever found unexpectedly dying within a short time frame of each other.

The mind desperately wants an answer. We were 5 unlikely but true-blue friends who'd landed together 20+ years ago; while we lived apart a ways, they were my only friends, the "we-don't-need-to-knock" sort. Hermit me--with true friends! How cool is that?

Now I'm the only one left, they went so quickly. All that swirls when I think of any "why" is followed by another; they all slip away, a thousand why's press me down, starting with why am I left so alone? Again? Why bother?

One little pocket of hope, for me, came via a teen's own farewell song when he was dying a couple years back (I put his songs/story on the last page of the first "hear-it-for-the music" section). His answer: to hope, anyway. Sounds almost corny, just another cliche, until I learned that he really lived that way, with no answers whatsoever. Glad I found at least that inspiration.

I hate this--I've talked down the screen to here, and no answers. Again. Yet another typical long-winded non-answer. I guess I'm left with the kid's theme--to hope, anyway. Its drawback is it feels like starting over. But where else is there to be?