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After all this journeying with EF's and triggers and all those labeled symptoms, it seems like there's only one true constant. It's what I call The Ache.

I've always felt there's a part of me being dragged around. It's irritating and I've tried all kinds of techniques, programs,  books, this/that/other in efforts to understand, diminish, get rid of The Ache, and it sticks like perma-glue.

As if it's saying, "you're stuck with me, kid. And I ain't goin' away." Then I rage and cry and that only seems to please this monster. But I have to live, so I travel on, whether The Ache is there or not. Not there? Wonder what that's like.

With or without a name, The Ache just stays and I can't shake it loose. I can be humming the happiest tune, walking in a peaceful forest, any place of joy or distraction; and the Ache is always there. I've begged it to leave. Nope. I've written its name on pieces of paper, even strips of bark, burned 'em, and it pops right back. The Ache has its own magical powers.

The Ache feels numb and heavy, and I cannot recall a time it wasn't present. I tell myself I accept that, as what else can I do? But I'm not sure I really believe that. Tamping down expectations seems helpful, but I'm so sad when I realize my only takeaway true friend remains The Ache.

Hi, tiggerd2,

I've looked at both your posts, and note via your story something I've gone through--I think I reach a certain stage of recovery, walk further down the road, and realize--I left a lot of help back there (like the books you mentioned in your 2nd post), and now I wish I hadn't. And I don't have a support system anymore.

So you've established the "now" starting point. Really, it's what we all have to do, it seems. That may sound like another silly old advice crumb, but I've had to relearn it several times.

Arriving "without a support system", as you say, is more than a tad scary; the "just give up" line tries to lure us over the edge, but then we reach out, and here you are. So--WELCOME.

We've wandered into this support system from a lot of different trails. But now that we're here, it's become each of our "now" starting points, I guess. I feel overwhelmed much of the time, but still trying to fight off the doubts, fears, and low self-esteem (and low self-compassion) to see where the new "now" trail goes.

On post #2, you regretted all the books you threw out. I thought I'd thrown out one I had a long time ago; one that I thought was nice but too silly, and moved on to the more "serious" tomes. But in my tons of books, I didn't see the silly one where I thought it might be, so gave up looking for it.

So the other day, I discovered it hadn't been thrown out, and was sitting on a shelf like it was saying "gimme me another look, fella". So I did. And I still found parts a little silly, but not off-putting anymore, and I wanted/needed some silliness anyway. It had some really cute drawings--many show the evil-looking gremlin (your inner critic) analyzing your every move while you learn to ignore him.

Here I am yapping on when I haven't mentioned the book's title, which is...TAMING YOUR GREMLIN, by Richard D. Carson, 1983, but reprinted since). The premise of the book boils down to 3 points: simply notice, choose and play with options, and be in process.

Good to see you here, tiggerd2. Look around and play with options. The past isn't prologue, as I hear too often...it's past. Oh, and my cat is also a core part of my "support" system.

arpy1,

First, it seems you've established enough trust with your T to give this a go. Remember that trust level and it may help bring the fear level down. You have the ultimate say in trusting to travel into unknown territory.

And, as you said:

"i made her promise we would go really slowly and if i freaked out we could stop."

Precisely. You've informed her you have certain boundaries, and they need to be honoured. Following on the trust referred to above, it's a good start; you know your needs, and even more so your fears, and the two of you are willing to work on this together. All you can do now is try, and you and she know the limits...like the famous saying, take one step at a time.

Hoping for a best step forward     

stillhere said about the current T:

"back then, I was minimizing my story.  This time, I'm trying to be more self-directive.  The problem is that people in therapy aren't in the best place to do that."

I wish I'd done that more when I was in T. Back when I started, I was resistant to it anyway; being a do-it-yourself sort, I guess; but the pain of living without some outside observations drove me to seek relief, even if I didn't fully trust it. 

Lots of hem-hawing through sessions, not enough focus or even distracting, albeit perhaps well-intended, chit-chat from the T. The sessions disintegrated entirely when my last T's chit-chat resorted to his in-depth discussion of chainsaws or life in the woods or...

My own attitude would shift, though, and maybe that threw the T off too; uh-oh, an old mistake of mine just kicked in, while typing this--shift the blame to myself, it's my fault again. Yikes

The deal with me is that I tend to start scared of anyone (T or not), warily figure how to be safe, and too often fall from my freeze perch right into the fawn trap of "what should I be like" in this role of client/patient rather than the "I am" person I can be away from the T chambers. That risks the old kick-yourself routine and it goes downhill from there, another near-hour wasted.

Like Trace, I've looked into on-line therapy and will be keeping an eye on that thread to see if anyone has experience there.

Thank you, stillhere, for that great observation; it's all about making T visits more attentive, I guess. In my own case, if I ever get back to T, it's what do I really need, now--overriding my people fears and fawning that always hit me before...although I've also had numerous confidentiality issues in the past, too. There's a thread about confidentiality in the therapy section.

Funny aside, though...to get to my last T's office, I had to pass by an obvious "children's" area with scaled-down chairs and such. Sometimes I wondered if I shouldn't just stop there and have the T meet me in the kid's zone. Arrested development writ large, or something of that sort.

Hi, stillhere,

I look forward to seeing your take on some of these mysteries. My own view ranges from being overwhelmed to awe when I realize that there is a way with each other that's not accessible alone. And I say that from a fierce individualist do-it-yourself vantage point. If I've learned one thing so far here it's that yes, the solo trekker can survive but there's a world of hurt that's only healed by sharing the load.   

I had no idea when I first saw this site that I'd find it more than a curious stopping point. Then I looked into it, and kept experiencing a kind of blow-back at the depth and intense honesty I felt here. More of a book/print person myself, I just never figured I'd find anything beyond some psychological fluff regarding cptsd on a net forum. Wrong! So I'm also...still here, learning a lot, risking the sunshine after many years of drifting in the dark. 

Ugh is right...breathing probs are so entangled with emotional ups/downs it's hard to coordinate dealing with both.

Grain of salt opinion is the St. John's Wort I've run across is said to be more effective long-term.

Much as I shy away from asking specific meds, I'm wondering if the docs inhalers were for overall or short-term use? The overall ones usually are based on steroids and the short-term albuterol. The latter is what I use, as I had several bad side effects on non-breathing probs using the steroidal-based ones.

The albuterol is supposed to be a rescue-only, occasional use but I learned long ago that I could "cheat" a bit and it worked better--meaning I didn't always wait for the rescue to happen but kind of pre-empted it by taking it before strenuous activity that might set off the asthma, for instance.

I got a huge chuckle once from a doctor I asked about this, and after lecturing me on how not to use albuterol that way, and in his next sentence joking about how he used it before he ran marathons. Umm, ooookay, nothing like having 2 standards--one for patients and the one that secretly works for m.d.'s. By spotting his contradiction, maybe my hyper-vigilance does have a plus side after all.

Another supplement I'd forgotten I use is mullein. The weather patterns around this region has shifted a bit towards autumnal currents so my breathing gets a tad worse, and I start adding a mullein lung complex--mullein leaf, wild cherry bark, with platycodon and elecampine root extract, licorice and ginger in the mix.

I used to have a friend who actually harvested the mullein, but nowadays I use the supplement version. Another form in which to use it is as a tea, which is also true for ginger.

Basically, my system I've winnowed to steady long-term adjuncts like the supplements and the short-term use of the albuterol inhaler. Regarding the latter, it also comes in forms that can be used with a counter-top device called a nebulizer where you use the albuterol in liquid form a breathing tube fed from the machine. I used one for a short while, they're kind of a pain to monkey with. For now, fingers crossed, the inhaler type works okay.

Unfortunately, some of the current medical practices seem more based on pharmaceutical pricing strategies than what really works. Best bet is a specialist, bonus is one who's actually had asthma themselves, and/or a naturopath for alternative versions, but in all of these they seem to have some who get a bit preachy. Plus I'd check into who might be available in your college health service. One would think they might have someone more independent of the "system" but I could be wrong there, never know.

One last note on chinese medicine--I tried acupuncture for a bit, and it seemed effective, but I didn't stay on it very long as it was getting too expensive.

Whew--I'm so sorry to hear of your current relapses. Hang in there is pretty frustrating, but in the end trial and error has me on a fairly-even keel, with the caveat it took years to figure this body's reactions and re-reactions out.

I hope you can get a handle on this soon.   

...strong sense of empathy
....wonder/imagination
....creative flair
...mindfulness
...idiosyncratic/independent

Hi JohnnyBoy,

So I'm sort of a new sort here, not on when you were here 6 mos. prior, but welcome back.

After such a frantic time, I hope you find this a safe haven. I know I was a little cautious of what I might encounter here, but from the start it was apparent there is a wealth of caring and supportive people here.

Good to see you here.

Arpy1, you wrote this:

"every day is a struggle with panic, and most of the time i don't even know what i am afraid of, i am just afraid all the time. the only variation is in intensity, depending on whether something specific triggers me off into a biggie."

Same here...I described my quest for the idyllic, but there's always this underlying ache wherever and whatever I do. All ache all the time.

I too feel like life is sometimes just one big trigger/EF, even when perfectly alone in a beautiful place. It never goes away, and while I've found a semblance of outward peace I can't say I've truly experienced the inner. Because of that ache already mentioned.

Like you I experienced a "biggie" EF this week and have felt utterly drained for days and have had to sleep lots (or try to); being alone doesn't fully insulate me from any of it. It helps, though, and I'm fortunate to have found a way of life where I can find a part of the peace I need.

You said you feel able to at last open up here; I hope you continue to be seen here as we all need each other on this forum. And no, you certainly didn't "put anyone off", you only enriched everyone with your sharing. Take good care...

Thanks for posting this and the other resources you've pointed out, BeHea1thy. The internet is so awash in this/that/other nowadays it makes for tricky navigating to find what really holds promise.

I've been quite attracted to the different people now focusing on the acceptance approach. It seems to combine practicality with hope while also tamping down the expectations that challenge credulity.

My biggest stumbling block is finding self-acceptance, by far, the "if-I'd-only-done-this-or-known-that" game. It's like looking over, seeing the vast canyon yet to cross (complete with rickety swinging bridges!), then glancing back at the graveyard of lost illusions, finally taking that deep breath, and then...

Huzzah! and Kudos!     

You said it so beautifully, and it bears repeating: "I have a feeling of empowerment that I cannot describe. My inner child is heard. Her voice is important, and deserves to be heard."

Thank you for sharing this ray of 

The specifics of what constitutes triggering can be pretty broad, plus it's very individual and hard to pinpoint every trigger over a varied community like this. According to this site's glossary, triggering can stem from "small, insignificant or minor actions, statements or events that produce a dramatic or inappropriate response." That's a lot of ground to cover.

Viewed from that perspective, lots of encounters produce triggers. The most innocent reference can set off the EF/trigger node. I've had days where it seemed like triggers kept coming and wouldn't stop. Recently I was in a horrid state when someone I met resembled in every way--looks, manners, voice, everything--someone who'd abused me. I had to get away, fast; and felt awful the rest of the day.

Some religious terms, to me, can be more triggering than the foulest profanity would ever be; and for others, the same words would be seen in a very positive light.  I cringe when I hear certain terms which the speaker considers quite meaningful to them but are very scary to my sensitivity. I associate the words with some of the darkest memories I have; of people who perverted those very words into horrific abuse. They sometimes hid behind the very language use I'm referring to.

It's not that anyone should refrain from them for my sake. They don't know what's going on when I hear them, that I flashback hearing certain terms. Nor should I expect that they'd understand. I've learned it can easily happen, but what  rankles is if they cross my boundary and belittle or invalidate my feelings. I have scars which still ride close to the surface.

Which doesn't cover the profanity issue, per se. Personally, I am a bit put off by some of it if used excessively, but I also had a front-row seat to the hypocrites of my past whose actions were more obscene than the foulest words imaginable. Once I became a trickster, I especially enjoyed one scenario which caused a certain holier-than-thou teacher to slip and hear him utter the most vile language you'll ever run across.

Living in my backwoods area, it's often hard to find many ordinary conversations where profanity doesn't crop up as an acceptable part of everyday speech. It could be called the macho/backwoods dialect. Personally, I find it unfortunate but it's not hard to find examples--I used to work in a preschool program, and you'd hear 4 year-old bat that stuff around.

So I'm drifting away from the issue at hand--on this site, civility is a prime necessity. Seems reasonable, until our inner selves cry out in anger and pain. It's hard not to as we're reacting to people who made no attempt to be civil, would spite any notions of decency, whether it involved language or not. So it's understandable when and where it might pop out; but I also acknowledge that guidelines might reinforce the common sense we strive for.

So it's kind of a fine line. This site does have the trigger alert system and now the language advisory. The anger factor always, and often needs to, come into play when we've been through the firestorm of emotional upheaval. I can go either way, having heard it all in daily life, fom some 4-yr-olds even, but see the sense of what's been decided about certain over-the-top expressions. We know 'em, but probably don't need to see them graphically presented here either.   

Well, I guess the obvious "after" EF for me is to retreat. I'm definitely what Walker calls a Freeze and I've taken the retreat idea further than many. On the other hand, I really needed this way of life--it eases the mind, and I guess looking back I had an awful lot to ease. My recovery mode has been geared towards finding peace at all costs. I found the peace although the ghosts of my cptsd past came right along, it seems. 

I made retreating pretty convenient--I live in one. Home is a hand-hewn house I built 30 years ago in the woods. There's people around, but just as many if not more deer, bears, and eagles. I'm also in an area conducive to hiking, biking, etc.

Actually, my primary work was connected to those sorts of activities. So while I probably sound like a far-off hermit, all my paid jobs were with and about people--but I had my retreat, as home. I didn't grow up this way, but I desperately needed the peace it affords and was lucky to find it.

Being a voracious reader, but far from an actual public library--okay, the retreat became a retreat/library. And with so many books (great insulators, btw) and daydreams at hand, Mr. Walker's assessment of Freezers sure shows...except he says we love watching TV; I don't own one.

So the third piece is music--very folk-oriented, with my favorite genre being the more traditional types of what's called Celtic. These days it's mostly listening, but I used to play at house-concerts, and helped start a folk festival a couple of years ago (which produced huge EF issues for me, though). You know--people (sigh).

I do miss having wood heat--chopping wood can be quite therapeutic in dealing with EFs and triggers. And I still love firing up a sauna in combo with the other methods.

I like to journal as well, but have to watch out--my IC likes to take over and critique me, and it's scary how I come out being so hard on myself; reading them, especially the years ago entries, one would think it was someone else writing a scathing laundry list of how I'll never get life right. So much for the peace when that stuff hits. Then again, I do have my 9-yr.-old cat Mystic, and used to have 3 husky dogs and a pair of other cats who lived to the age of 20.

I guess one could say my whole life is one big EF getaway. Probably is; good and bad. Obviously nothing seals one away from the pain of the journey so far, but what I described here is what and where I needed to find at least a taste of the peace I craved.

On all our journeys there come times when the essential "you" part needs to be rescued from its hiding spot. Recognizing that is step 1, and the rest will come, perhaps with trepidation and fear; but finding that "you" part and recognizing that its survival is at stake needs to be honoured.

Wishing you the best!

Yes, paperwork drives me nuts...I see where it's helpful sometimes, so okay, I get it, but a lot seems to get redundant. And I actually was an administrator myself once (groan) but did it anyway 'cause the other rewards (artistic organization) outweighed the hazards.

But what really freaked me was the last few times I did therapy. "On a scale of 1-10 how do you feel", etc.  . The worst was when the T used that to take up half the session. I don't know, it was only the last bunch that did that, too.

I'm fortunate to live a bit below most radar regarding paperwork in other areas, but the T was the worst; nothing like showing up prepared to try and get a handle on things and you leave wondering what/who/why was that all about.