31

Recovery Journals / Re: Further Adventures of Elpha

« on: November 30, 2020, 01:43:50 AM »

I'd just like to share this --  along with best wishes that the surgery goes well.

32

General Discussion / Re: Type of behaviour regarding C-PTSD

« on: November 28, 2020, 01:17:05 AM »

The causes of c-ptsd are senseless to begin with, so finding sensible, definitive answers are hard to come by. No answer can ever adequately cover the core wounds resulting from it. As owl25 remarked. this can vary for each person.

Every time I've tried to figure any of this out, I only seem to stir up more grief, anger, shame, and all the rest. So one way I 'handled' this was to numb out; meaning that while I could be roiling inside, it was disguised on the outside. Many times I feel I did this just to be safe from the unpredictable people in my life. Paradoxically, I later could become quite emotional when, if required for various acting roles I performed later in life; though off-stage I remained emotionally distant.

Regarding school, I hated elementary/high school, but could ace any subject if motivated. My lack of the latter was also in reaction to the hypocrisy of the private schools I attended, filtered as it was within an environment of abuse and trauma. Once in higher ed, though, despite retaining extreme social awkwardness around strangers, I loved the academic freedom where I was allowed to be me without as much fear as earlier.

Exercise in general does seem to help. For me, I always noticed how wood-splitting (I'm a rural person) worked well at letting off steam . As to gender approaches, I think more men are taught to resist emotional reactions in part due to the insane media messaging echoing the established power structures.   

Sounds like your curiosity is stirring up some new possibilities for you as well. I hope you can find some sensible paths for your own trek as you continue recovering from aspects of CPTSD.

 

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AD - Affective Dysregulation (eg Anger, Numbness, Derealization) / Re: Mismatched facial expressions

« on: November 25, 2020, 02:46:01 AM »

Hiding my true emotions became habitual for me early on. Mostly this was due to fear of disapproval; and/or worse. That was rather contradictory, I now realize, in that I was considered worthless, that no matter what emotions I dared to have were automatically disapproved of.

On the one hand, I was hypervigilant; inside, I was grieving and furious at this state of affairs. This also happened frequently at a  private school where I ran the risk risk of disapproval for even the silliest of reasons. I learned the game but at the risk of losing my sense of self. Why? Fear -- so I learned the ways I thought would win approval despite the odds. Which of course increased the sadness. Nothing worked, and I took in further the notion that I didn't matter; that hiding my true emotions might help (it didn't!).

Had I been honest, the consequences were too fearful to contemplate. Nowadays there's a huge difference -- I'm not trapped back there in the FOO or in that travesty of a school.
I'm free to be who I am. It's taken a while for me to catch hold of my habit.

Which leaves me with just one suggestion -- to be honest with oneself at all times. Those people I had to please (or so I thought) are long gone from my life. It sounds easy, eh? It surely hasn't been, as the other part of the process is I still fear the consequences of others, no matter who they are.

You've taken a first step, though; which is just the self-realization that you're prone to this. If you trust your T enough, just try and be as honest about your deepest reactions to what you're discussing. If your T has already mentioned this, and there's trust between you, you might find it freeing to react from your heart, and not the mask that's become habitual.

I know that's helped with my own T, but it took loads of trust before I felt bold enough to loosen the mask, and finally let it drop, at least in that relationship. At our most recent session, she took pains to note that I can now speak more easily in my authentic voice that is more willing to share from the heart.

 

34

Recovery Journals / Re: SaB's 2nd journal

« on: November 22, 2020, 04:22:58 PM »

SaB, I also was intrigued with your comments regarding 'some' narcissism. I grew up being affected by a huge number of n's both at home and private schools. To the extent that I vowed never/ever to be anything like I found them.

Trouble is it seems, as you indicated, perhaps some n traits aren't wholly bad; it's the extremes that become problematic, as it did when I was trapped in the nest of n's. But now I have probs appreciating good stuff about myself, as I still fear falling in to that foreboding narc pattern. My T especially has tried to steer me around those snags but it's slow, driven by fear as it is. This I feel has also contributed to my tendency towards seeming like an easy push-over to others; because I'm running so hard from anything resembling narcissism.

I hesitate to bop into your journal this way, but I also sensed a feeling you weren't getting through. Communicating these things is always rough, but I want you to know your voice has come through here, and I appreciate your insights in this regard as well as in other ways. Thank you. 

35

Introductory Post / Re: Wingsunclipped

« on: November 21, 2020, 04:46:03 PM »

Welcome 

It can be a huge step, or leap actually, to take flight with wings finally unclipped. It's a scary place, too -- the freedom to fly.

Your intro also reminded me of a song from decades ago by the folksinger Kate Wolf. If it's alright, I'm including a link to it below; as I feel it describes well this new feeling of finally flying free.

The song can be found at:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PKDDeU4gog&ab_channel=KateWolf-Topic

36

Introductory Post / Re: New me? or the True me?

« on: November 18, 2020, 05:31:15 PM »

  Hi, Cazzles.

Sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here, but now that you've opened the door it's an honour to welcome you here. You'll discover others here slowly but surely finding their own way ahead.

The only known thing -- it isn't easy, but finding a better way with life's awful twists is worth the effort. 

 Best wishes as you seek to get a handle on this and turn the corner into a brighter path.

37

Physical Abuse / Re: Does it ever get easier?

« on: November 18, 2020, 06:26:16 AM »

First, your questions aren't in the least silly. They may seem that way at first, but only because so many of us are conditioned like you were -- to live in fear and shame. When we believe we can't be any other way it is hard to picture ever escaping into the better sort of people we know we are inside.

This gets to the point where those false beliefs get in the way of what we need to share in order to keep our wits about these things that were senseless then, and remain so now.

But here's the good part -- you DID speak out about how you feel. That's huge, coming from a place where you had to endure what you've described. But now you're free to do so, and it's great to see you finally be able to say it loud and clear.

 Congratulations  and

38

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: What are you thankful for?

« on: November 18, 2020, 06:00:55 AM »

My perfectionist part, probably 'working' for my inner critic, is sure I'll forget something, if not most of what I'm thankful for. So here's just what pops in at this moment:

1) that I survived at all
2) my cat, nestled on my arm as I write this
3) a wise, caring, and patient therapist I wish I'd known years ago
4) a cozy home set in a peaceful wooded area
5)  this web forum, where fellow survivors can find comfort and understanding from each other, against great odds of ever finding anyone who'd 'get it' 

39

The Cafe / Re: Favourite Quotes - Part 3

« on: November 16, 2020, 12:13:48 AM »

Former astronaut Eugene Cernak: "...there is only light if sunlight has something to shine on. When the sun shines through space, it’s black. The light must have something to strike.”
 
       

I just read this in a wonderful book by Paula D'Arcy -- Stars at Night -- When Darkness Unfolds as Light. Written as a commentary on her own grief survival story, its dark topic -- what to do, and be, after devastating personal losses -- I found highly relevant to what we discuss on this forum; our grief over our own deep losses.

40

Recovery Journals / Re: One day at a time

« on: November 15, 2020, 11:55:27 PM »

Along the lines of how the light finds us, and why even on the worst of days it might help, I found this quote by former astronaut Eugene Cernak: "...“there is only light if sunlight has something to shine on. When the sun shines through space, it’s black. The light must have something to strike.”

Instantly I thought of how this relates so well to times when it seems bleak, and all is darkness, but that the light can still find us through it all.

I hope this finds you well and living in what light that is shining through; or will. 

41

General Discussion / Re: more recovery notes

« on: November 15, 2020, 06:14:14 PM »

James G wrote: "...You don't return to life before the trauma. There is no normal to return to, I really see that now. You build a new normal, brick by brick. Accepting its a new life is really important. The trauma can't be removed, it's a part of your new reality. Somehow it has to be just one more brick in the wall you construct around the new person you become."

 

Perhaps it's like the ancient practice of alchemy, where the goal was to find an ultimate object (the Philosophers Stone), to be derived by melting down and combining all sorts of elements, like a grand chemistry experiment. Cloaked in archaic language (to avoid persecution by the 'authorities'), it usually didn't result in finding its intended object, but often something appeared that proved useful, even surprising.

I suppose it could be said that when all expectations were at least altered, if not shed entirely, the new result might seem strange at first, but then it slowly begins to prove to have been worth the effort. Good for you on finding a new trail, JamesG. I wish you well with your new 'normal' and can indeed fashion new bricks to insert as you build the new life.

 

42

Recovery Journals / Re: One day at a time

« on: November 12, 2020, 07:00:08 PM »

I feel badly for that turn of events, Windflower. While it's unfortunate the initial good vibes of the supplement faded, it's also encouraging to note that it was there, for however long and for whatever reason. Meaning -- there are good things, too. It just often takes longer than we wish it would.

I've had many awful days, yet somehow find ways to stay with building up what was a shaky foundation. It just can be so slow, so repetitive, and sometimes almost entirely discouraging.

It won't be this bad everyday -- as you recently experienced, there are at least moments when the light seems to still be there. There's always a light that somehow can find its way through. 

43

Recovery Journals / Re: Moving Forwards

« on: November 12, 2020, 06:41:57 PM »

Blueberry, your new turn reminds me of something I recently read. It suggested that mindfulness, often thought of as 'living in the moment', is actually more effective when considered as 'living in the movement'.

Everything's in constant movement, even though we stop for a moment at various times and places in life's trek. Especially regarding coming out of trauma, I tend to think of life as a long wilderness journey, with no maps.

So -- welcome to the new movement you're sensing. May it prove to be full of discoveries and insights as you continue the path towards wholeness.   

44

Other / Re: First Day Home Overnight

« on: November 12, 2020, 03:21:51 AM »

  Here's to more safe  and steady recovery   

                                                

45

DR - Disturbed Relationships (eg Social Anxiety, Isolating, Attachment Disorder) / Re: Too scared to post

« on: November 08, 2020, 03:34:38 AM »

It's good to see you've take the step to .share. It's obvious yours is a caring voice. I hope you also found that reaching out helped lift your mood.

You deserve to be heard and cared for.