Messages

  Good for you Cocobird. I know what you are talking about and you made a right decision to never be with her alone. We are not going but I still feel a little guilty about it. But I heard a guy who had a Phd say in a lecture that as soon as you have to write out pros and cons about a decision it means its the wrong decision.

Oh gee, Im so sorry to hear it went like that. I had a similar thing too, I went to U.S.A to work and was doing well, my brother emailed me and told me my mother was suicidal and couldn't cope with me being away. I thought she must have changed and wants to be nice to me now. It was a bad decision and i wish I hadn't gone back sometimes. I understand your reasoning, I too didn't want to go in the first place as i was worried how my little brother would fare under my mother, i raised him until he was 10 and i left he was the closest to me.
And now they pretend like you never did anything am i right? just messed up people who can't see past the end of their nose. The thing that hurts me the most is my mother doesn't want me around for 8 years i haven't been home as i am the 'disrespectful' one yet my sister and her kids can go see her whenever.

Dear Stillhere and MaryAnn Thank you!   

You help me see it in a different perspective.
MaryAnn I really get it. Did you end up running away at age 14? i'm hoping you did.
Thanks for your happy energy
 

   lol!

Hahahaha!! That was great!! I love it and it cracked me up, Leuk ook dat die liedje in het Nederlandse is Thanks for sharing it.

  Thank you Dutch Uncle, your reply brought tears to my eyes.

Every time I think about my mother physically abusing me and my father allowing it to happen, only once he stepped in between me and her when she was about to try and rip my face off. She beat me until I went to another place in my mind. I keep making excuses for her, she was young and was abused herself. When i confronted her recently when she told me how similar my daughter was to me, I got angry, my daughter is still free, she beat all my "rebellion" which is actually assertiveness in a child and is a healthy thing. I told her until you squashed it. She got so angry and said to me "come ON just get over it you went through nothing, I was the one who was treated badly and I would hit you while I was having flashbacks" So i do feel guilty I even said anything to her, and feel like i have nothing to complain about and should be over it all by now. It just adds to the confusion and stops me being present to my children, my husband says to me all the time, "its like you're in a different world." My son is starting to notice me not paying attention too, when he talks to me sometimes. I don't want to be all the time regretting the past and trying to make sense of it, giving my mother the benefit of the doubt, I forgive her and apologized for saying "Until you squashed it" to her, she hasn't emailed back since that day, she was the one who rang and wanted to start being a part of mending our relationship. The week earlier she rang and asked me to forgive her for talking bad about my family to someone.

I just didn't know my life would end up like this, after everything i did for her it never paid off.

I just forget i'm in an EF because it feels so constant. I have tried to stop it but the memory of some events just bring on more shame and  guilt and hatred of myself its like a circle, the more i try to stop it the more it makes me think and feel the EF. This is what I am struggling with at the moment. Its a good point, was it Indigo who said maybe we are experiencing them for a reason? but i feel we should stop it because it is counter productive and like a rut we need to get out of to be able to grow and connect with the people around us.

I wanted to share this song with you friends 

https://soundcloud.com/vashti-awaiz/sweet-girl-5

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=r_8ydghbGSg
and this one by Demi Lovato is another favourite of mine

  Thank you Kayfly. I appreciate you saying this

  haha true!

Hahaha!! 😀 , in the same conversation she was telling me I was bitter and unforgiving. Yes I'm trying to forgive...... But yes after our argument I thought she is also unforgiving.
I laughed when I read about the Dutch swear words. Thank you for your kind offer. Ik weet alleen een (godverdommer) I'm sure you could tell me some more. lol.

LOL, my mother told me 2 days ago that the reason i and the children haven't been welcome to my parent's house 8+ yrs and counting is because of the time my son (2yrs old at the time) picked up one of her dolls by the leg.

Dear CC,
You were treated very badly, yes they are so messed up they neglected and abused you badly. I am happy you have a great life now with your own supportive partner and are making friends. Personally i wouldn't go back to family like that. They don't deserve you, do what enhances your own peace.   

Yes I also believe that forgiveness does not mean that you are ok with all that happened.
I personally have always tried to forgive for my own peace of mind. The years i was not forgiving were the most difficult for me. I became very bitter and even though it was the last thing i wanted my children suffered from it. If I am angry even if its not at them, i am not nice to be around. They learned a lot of swearing in those years and they were only 1-6 years old. The worst i did one day when i was ruminating and angry at all that had happened to me was lash out and hit 2 of my children.
I then got so angry at my mother and blamed her for even making me and my children suffer though we weren't seeing her anymore. I still blame her for this sometimes, but for me forgiveness is letting go and allowing myself to be who i am without them in the picture anymore. Also allowing me to sit with the pain and seeing where it comes from allows for creativity and pain comes out in art forms. Everyone will have different ways they can embrace the pain and learn from it instead of allowing it to eat us up from the inside. When we fight the pain and try to get rid of it it eats us up, when we accept that we have pain and sit with it, we start to know what to do with it.