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Thank you for your response Kizzie, I appreciate it. No I cant go to groups because there aren't any around here, Im in a rural area. All the groups are for indigenous people here, unfortunately im not indigenous.

I am glad I can talk to my therapist 1 hr a fortnight though. I just feel that if my husband started talking about why he's upset with me having sessions to his friends and not just to me all the time I know his friends will tell him I need it and he will stop having goes at me.

So that's why Im thinking of telling some people we know but it will be so stupid me telling them I have cptsd, I mean where do you start?
They'll probably just look at me and say OK you're spending too much time at home, you need to get out and stop being on you own with the kids so much, you must have cabin fever.

And if my husband is there he'll just say omg, here we go, she doesn't have anything its all her imagination!" and then ill be so embarrassed.

I don't know what these therapies actually involve. My T does thought inquiry which is from the work of Byron Katie. She somehow knows how to ask the most triggering questions to me and then we work on those. I am finding it challenging but very helpful. I have never been on medication though.

That lady should have left you grand daughter alone, she was fine to colour, talk in church. Children cry for a reason, they are right.
Having said that Kizzie saw the real picture in what you were writing.
It also helped me because I have memories all the time and I get intense feeling with those memories and sometimes wish I could somehow block them all out and never think of them again.

For me the hardest part to recovering is that I am very isolated in this discovery. I have one brother who lives 5 hrs away and he believes me that I am stressed because I told him I have a facial tic.
I have many symptoms and feel like staying in bed all day everyday for weeks and months without getting up for anything but I force myself to not think about how I feel. I have 4 children who need me and the last thing I want for them is to become a basket case like my mother was and spend months away getting therapy. ( she got the wrong therapy, as she is NPD and never showed anyone her true feelings and actions, just got therapists to back her up against us for even more control on me)
My husband is telling me to stop believing I have cptsd and it will go away.
Well I wonder all the years I was depressed and suicidal and angry and I didn't know I had this but I still had the symptoms.
He pushes me almost every day to use the money I'm using for therapy to buy new clothes or buy a coffee table for the house, anything and everything except for what I feel I need.
I already doubt myself in everything and this makes me doubt myself to the point I feel like giving up.
I am starting to want to tell people what I have been diagnosed with but I fear mockery and that I'm just feeling sorry for myself and I need to get over it. Which I do need to get over it.
He tells me to stop writing on here so much.
The only time he doesn't complain about something I'm doing is during ( you know what) and when I'm cleaning up the house, the rest of the time I feel his disapproving glances, and listen to his disapproving talk, but I'm exaggerating, a lot of the time he doesn't say anything and we talk about stuff that he is interested in. And also stuff I'm interested in except this topic.
He talks to people a lot but he has never told them what I'm going through and this makes me feel isolated, I can't bring myself to talk about it to anyone.

I thought all these things were normal what everybody experiences.
I can relate to all of these.

Hi again, far out, it's ridiculous how you were in such obvious need of help and that woman didn't see it!! Please pm me your ootf name.
I'm so glad we can talk and that you have this place.
Big hug

Dear Bad memories.
Thank you for your input and reply.
I truly believe your situation was worse than mine.
I am SO glad you have a faith in G-d and that this has helped you, I believe too that this is what has kept me here and relatively sane (but then what is sane? Lol)
To have two siblings commit suicide your situation must have been very intensely negative and disturbing.
Do you have loving people around you who support you? ( not including this forum)
I really hope you do, you deserve it.
Be kind to yourself
Much love

 Hi Bad memories,
I shook my head through your whole post. So sorry over everything you've had to deal with.
I feel so sad for all your bad memories and I really hope you will start to be able to see hope and get help and support and love from here.
Sending you love and peace

I always thought my family was like every other family.
I thought my life was normal, all mothers did this stuff, all mothers smiled outside the house and beat you and shouted inside the house.
Why I had to cook and clean and look after my younger siblings? That was simply because I was the oldest daughter and who else would do it if my mother was gone for months on end.
Why did she wake me in the middle of the night and pull the covers off and drag me out of bed to clean up some mess outside? Not sure, something I had to forgive her for. Why did I spend most of my time trying to figure out where to run away to, or hiding in my cupboard as a teenager? Not sure, but really needed to try and disappear for as long as possible so I could try and think and stay away from HER anger, try to keep myself safe from her stabbing me again maybe or threatening to kill me with an axe again.
But I had to stay, my youngest brother needed me and I had to take him with me into the bathroom and lock the door, so he wouldn't see her beating my father and keep him from being there if I was next, which I usually was.
Thought I was unscathed when I left home, just wondered why for about 10 yrs I couldn't open my mouth and speak to people outside of the house.
Wondered why I always had a foreboding feeling and thought about death and suicide all the time, and up until recently after many more things happened in my life with my mother adding more pain to pain I finally made a proper suicide plan, that's when I felt so sad and chilled by what would happen to my husband and 4 gorgeous children that I decided I needed to talk to someone.
Luckily I have found a good Therapist or mentor who is helping me, she is very insightful and I thank G-d he brought her into my life. I currently haven't been back to my family of origin for almost 9 yrs.
I am also grateful for this type of forum as it helps me to make sense of things.

Hi Kizzie,
Thank you for sharing this. I am happy that there is this forum for people with CPTSD.