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It all seems very fraught, I am glad for you that you seem to have outgrown this environment, onward and upward Cadie.

I guess for me, I sometimes hesitate to let go because I don't want them to feel abandoned as they have been many times before by others. At the same time, being close has proven to be detrimental for me within this dynamic because Emily and Hannah still struggle so much just trying to figure out who they are and make a healthier dynamic between each other as a couple. It hasn't been uncommon, that when they argue, I hear yelling, someone banging a fist or head on the wall, screaming, and I will wake up to be greeted with one of them having self-harm injuries. (Usually from scratching their own faces or necks. It's terrible.) I hope the best for them, but it's not an environment I want to participate in anymore, even indirectly as a roommate. Maybe even as a friend. It's tough.

I know this is long, but I had to get it off my chest. Thanks for your patience~

I have two roommates. They're a married couple and we've all been through a lot since each of us deals with mental illness to some level.

Unfortunately, putting three people with mental illness and poor coping skills together for a year really amplifies some toxic behaviors and thought patterns. Some very precarious situations manifested between us and now we've decided to kind of go separate directions.

I think what really bothers me is that each of us has had to acknowledge some very poor choices we've made in the past year, and I've had to learn to let go of the treatment one of my roommates (we'll call her Emily). Emily began to bully me fervently after a while as we started to clash; it turned into a pattern where I was constantly apologizing and taking the blame, and she would treat me very poorly. All of this started to get worse, and Emily took a turn towards some pretty narcissistic behavior I didn't know was there: blaming me for her choices, only feeling sorry for herself but not really wanting to acknowledge my hurt, and also demanding I take responsibility for her and her partner's failure to communicate (effectively) by always being the one to initiate difficult conversations.

It was always my fault, and then Emily started to taunt. Now... all of this interaction was mostly happening through chat, and she was very enthusiastic about telling me exactly how she felt. It was all very toxic and hypocritical, such as taunting me about being in my room all the time... while she would be in her room typing, with no intention to confront me in person. Double standards left and right, and so I started seeking her out and end these squabbles in person. I eventually told her that if she has issues with me, she needs to tell me in person and I won't tolerate being attacked online anymore. Emily hasn't bothered me since.

She and her wife (Hannah) both have some narcissistic tendencies. Hannah's manifest as wanting to be fawned over, to be seen as awesome and wise and desired, and when those things are challenged or criticized, she falls apart and suddenly she's the scum of the earth. She has expressed having serious issues with just being like everyone else; she can't accept that maybe she isn't incredibly special and fated to do something great. The idea that she can never be loved by everyone really tortures her some days, and has lamented to me that the world would be a perfect place if she had the power to control everyone. Now... I don't believe she's narcissistic, as I've seen her be truly remorseful and empathetic. The narcissism she does have is very obviously a coping mechanism, as she has also suffered from some serious trauma growing up. It's a very, very poor coping skill, but it's only that. I don't belive she has NPD.

I don't believe Emily has NPD, either. I think the three of us have caught some of those narcissistic fleas and they just really jumped out in the past year. I've learned to coped in healthier ways and have gotten much better--I think Emily has gotten a little bit better (sorta), but Hannah hasn't made any progress. She still choose to escape into her narcissistic spells and seek out admirers and people to "counsel" as she says. She's very afraid to progress herself, and Emily still battles with accepting responsibility over her choices. I know this because what conversations that have happened on the subject play out the same for them as it has since last May when they moved in. Nothing has changed for them--they're still pretty much in the place.

As I've learned to cope with the past and progress with my mental health, I realize that they are persons I can no longer be close with. I completely understand the depression they deal with, the frustration towards trying to gain control over their mental illness, but they continue to not take a stronger hold of it. It always goes to the backburner, excuses keep being made, and I'm tired of having people in my life who demand certain things of others but can't be asked to do the same.

It's just also very hard... but yeah.

I remember reading a psychology article in regards to childhood and teenage abuse; usually, your emotional maturity will become stunted during the time when you've experienced the most trauma in your younger life.

For me, this time was during my teens. I was sexually abused when I was much younger, but I suffered prolonged, sexual, emotional, and verbal abuse during my junior high and high school years through a step parent and eventually my own mother. Therefore, I struggle a lot with my emotional regulation--which can sometimes be very reminiscent of how a teenage girl would process reality around her.

These things have gotten better with lots of diligence and labor on my part; we're talking years of never giving up and forcing myself past some towering, old barriers that I never thought I'd be able to overcome.

Emotional regulation is a dimension of cPTSD that many sufferers battle; and depending on when your traumas happened, I imagine regulating certain emotions can be especially difficult and many people might not fully grasp why. I've been judged by people for being immature in my emotions and talked down to for them. However, this is just an example of them having little sympathy; they don't understand, even though their distress over my past episodes is very understandable. You just don't speak to people that way. It's unhelpful and harmful.

One other thing that I think happens with this dilemma, and whether it's a residual effect or what causes the emotional regulation issues I think is moot, is this aspect: a lack of sense of self. From what I can tell you from my own experience, OP, figuring out my emotions had to be supplemented with building up my identity that I had been robbed of by my abusers. After my mother died back in 2014, I realized I didn't know who I was after I lost her. I had been so deeply enmeshed into who she was and her own life that on my own, I felt like no one. I didn't feel like I had any value without her. That's what abuse, narcissism, and enmeshment can do to a victim.

So it's been a process, and I hope that you will give yourself the time, patience, compassion, and consideration as you go through your journey. Best wishes.

I'm dating a new person; we've been steady for three weeks now and are getting comfy with each other. I know he's head over heels for me, and I feel very safe and happy with him.

I don't think I'm as in love with him as he is with me, but I love being with him. Like I said--I feel safe, comfortable, and like I found a really great guy. I feel very fortunate and I respect that. I do have very strong feelings for him and they steadily grow; there's just some hesitation that lies in my way.

I've had attachment issues for a long time because of my cPTSD. Getting close and staying close is difficult for me; it's not so much that I lose interest as it feels overwhleming and I tire out after a while. I start to doubt myself and sometimes I just get scared to let my potential partner get too close.

I'm not always the best person ever when I'm too familiar with someone. My triggers express themselves more freely because I feel safe, and those have been overwhelming for others in the past. Granted, I've gotten better, but people are not stupid; they can hear the strain in my voice, the frustration and irritability that I'm trying to control because something unimportant set me off.

And I guess that's the problem, is that I'm very mindful of the fact that my reactions to certain triggers are irrational. They're based on trauma that happened long ago and haven't happened again. So when I get irritated or upset or snappy, I've taught myself to try my very hardest to acknowledge it and apologize. I don't want anyone to feel victimized by my behaviors, even though my behavior is a result of cPTSD. I'm still responsible for those things.

So I'm scared right now. I'm scared that as I get closer to this amazing guy, everything will start to come out. He knows that I have cPTSD and has told me that it doesn't change his mind about me; of course, it's easy to say such things when you've yet to experience it from a loved one. I'm afraid I'll have a bad day and he'll be like, "Yikes."

Part of me is scared of making his life darker because of my illness.

One of the things my therapist pointed out to me that I do when saying something nice about myself is that it always comes with a caveat lol. Like, "Yeah I'm smart, but maybe not really  " So I'm gonna give this a go...

• My intelligence
  My resilience
  My investigative nature
  My creativity
  My patience

My own theory is that it is my upbringing that made me such a target. I did not have the skills to deal with it. If I had been shown how to stand up for myself and that it was ok to tell some people to * off. Things might have been different.

is my theory for my own situation too.

Gromit, I'm sorry that you and others on here have been experiencing recent bullying. 

Triple that. I think with the severe enmeshment and sexual abuse I suffered as a child really inhibited my ability to socialize well, and so I became an easy target for bullies. That and having no one to really pick up on what I was going through along with crappy advice of, "Just ignore them," I kept being victimized by other kids.

At many points did I feel like I didn't belong, that there was something seriously wrong with me. I was hurting and had no one to protect me, no one to guide me through any of that turbulence.

I mean... isn't prolonged bullying just another form of prolonged trauma? I don't understand how bullying can't cause cPTSD lol.

I'm not laughing at you but rather incredulously at whoever might reason that it's not possible. It's really odd. From my own anecdotal experiences, I dealt with lots of bullying in grade school, however a bit sporadically. I did have friends here and there but did experience times of being isolated, shunned, even pushed and slapped around a couple of times. I was called names, had rumors spread about me about things I never actually did. It all left lasting impressions on me for a while. I became a very timid, socially awkward child who just desperately wanted please, which made me even a bigger target.

Of course, in some ways, I do consider my school bullying rather "mild" in comparison to what others have gone through. I had friends, I wasn't completely isolated (but was during certain periods), and I experienced zero bullying in high school. I know I'm fortunate in that part of my life. However, home was another story...

Anyway, my point is that yes--I personally think bullying can be a prolonged trauma that can cause cPTSD. A bully can be anyone, too; not just the mean kids at school, but your own sibling or parents. Your own family; the people you're supposed to be able to trust and rely on. Both can be traumatic.

One of the EF's I deal with from time to time is my parents' divorce. I remember sitting in the back of my mother's work (she worked for Check 'n Go at the time) and she asked me if I wanted to live with her or my dad.

Now... I understand many kids are smart enough to understand what this could mean, but with the stress I was under all the time with home and school, my comprehension levels were crap. I didn't really understand what she was asking me at all, so I answered very simply: her, of course. I was a mama's girl.

It wasn't until the moment that we started driving away from my father that I realized what was happening. I cried so hard, I felt so hurt and scared. No one walked me through what any of it meant; I don't think it processed until I and my mother were in our new apartment. I was 11 years old.

I know this is an EF for me because any time I remember it, I feel utter, nauseating, instant distress and heartbreak. I dissociate and feel ready to bawl; I can't focus until it goes away. I start to feel very upset and angry that my parents had done that to me.

But that was kind of the story of my life, and really, it was probably my mother who chose to control what information I'd have about the whole incident. She really had an iron grip on me for many years, until adulthood. Not knowing major events until the last moment was a common occurence in my life. Talk about jarring. Considering how I was treated because I was a child, she probably thought at some point that me understanding the divorce wasn't important. I was a kid--who cares, right?

I can't remember anything between that question my mother asked me and then the drive away from my father. Nothing at all. There are lots of chunks of my childhood memories that are like that.

[My behaviors are the result of my trauma(s)]

I guess just speaking from my own experience, there are three things that I feel really need to be reiterated when I'm interacting with loved ones:

My behaviors are the result of my trauma(s)
This is probably a distinction I try to make whenever my loved ones are confronted with my difficult behaviors, such as anger, paranoia, major depression, anxiety, and isolation. It can be very hard for them to watch and they are all the result of my cPTSD.

Don't take it personally
This definitely relates to my first point: my reactions to those I trust and love usually have nothing to do with them as people, but everything to do with how I was traumatized. This distinction is also very difficult for others to remember; if I were to go off on someone, sometimes I get faced with, "Get over yourself! What do you want from me?!" Which is an understandable response, but it also takes things out of perspective and puts everyone even further on the defense or offense. More often than not, it's never really about them, and the only person who can do anything about it is me.

Patience
If you love this girl, you have to have patience. You have to have resilience. You have to be strong. Just always remember why she might react the way she does; it is not a reflection of her genuine love for you.

Best wishes to you both.

This is something of a journey for me as I didn't blame my parents for a long time. I didn't really start holding my father responsible for the abuse he put me through until I was a young adult; I took even longer with my mother, as that trauma lasted the longest and was the most subtle. Now I'm in a place where I see where they went wrong, how the choices they made towards me really injured my mind, and how I carry those injuries in my everyday life. It's very hard.

I do get very upset, too, when others tell me that I shouldn't blame my parents (especially my mother) for their choices against me; however, while it might come from people who just don't understand more often than not, I do notice this kind of response coming from those who have suffered similar trauma but are still in denial themselves. They are projecting their own refusal to face how their abuse has affected their well beings, and you are a reflection of what they are afraid to face in themselves. Many people might never be able to acknowledge their trauma because it's just too terrifying; they don't have resilience for it, nor the support.

I feel sorry for those people, even though what they say might anger me at the same time. I conjecture that they're probably very scared inside.

Hi there. I'm Cadie from the lovely PNW. It's just starting to really feel like spring--I can feel it all up in my sinuses, haha.

Anyway, I'm brand new to this forum but have been off and on visiting the symptoms of C-PTSD. The disorder has been suggested to me by three different therapists in my past and the third recently diagnosed me with it. After explaining four traumatic, prolonged events that happened at different points in my life, I guess it was pretty obvious what I was dealing with every day. And the more I read about the symptoms of C-PTSD sufferers, the more I'm able to put the puzzle pieces together myself.

There's been a lot of denial in my past in regards to my trauma--lots of excuses for my abusers, refusing to think what they did had affected me so viscerally and for so long. It's been rough and I am now just able to really understand where many of my behavioral problems stem from; anxiety, irritability, anger, paranoia, nightmares, emotional flashbacks, dissociation, major depression, suicidal ideations, isolation... the list goes on, as you all might very well understand.

However, I'm in a much better place than I was a few years back in spite of just discovering my diagnosis. I have a few good coping mechanisms in my belt to deal with my harder emotions and triggers, but there is still a while for me to go. I understand that my C-PTSD may never truly go away but I am willing to learn how to cope and gain control over my symptoms so they don't control my life anymore. I'm very happy to be here.

I'm not grateful for our suffering, but I am very grateful for this forum. Thank you.