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I guess it's a two-way street. I know where I stand. Can't really say 'the other side' are 'wrong' though. "To each their own.", no?

I just liked to share a pic of today's time's. Mindfulness and all that.

[or severe dissociative symptoms.]

and I went. 

I mentioned something about this in another thread:

another process-server/bailiff ringed, and as I was walking down the stairs he was already pushing the envelope through the letter box. I nevertheless opened the door, and we actually had a talk, where I spilled my beans! Told him I was a victim of childhood abuse. He was genuinely interested, validated me for getting this far without (professional) psychological help, gave me tips on how at least avoid some costs like: "show up at least, even if you can't pay, tell the story, for at least you will be spared court costs."

I was summoned because I didn't pay my bills for my health-insurance. Which I don't, and which I can't. I've been asking for help a lot of times the last couple of years (since the FOG started lifting and I started struggling.) but I have received very little, and inadequate help. For example: when I went into treatment for my alcoholism (basically in order te get it under enough control so I could get psychological help for the underlying causes of my boozing'/numbing out with the help of alcohol), and I worked hard with the program I was enrolled in, I was 'let off' after four months and 'passed on' to the psychologists, I was told in the closing meeting by the women who had been my counselor: "Before I started this treatment with you I was of the opinion this treatment was not fit for your situation, mr. Uncle." "*!" was my gut reaction, "I've been had."
Something similar, though far less severe happened at the psychologists, where an anxiety disorder was ruled out fast, a SCID-II was offered, no PD detected yet I did score some 'points' below the thresholds. So I have developed 'fleas' and/or dysfunctional coping mechanisms as a result of the abuse inflicted on me. An example of that is that dissociation had been detected.

I stumbled on my SCID-II results today, and one of the (BPD) traits/fleas I have is:
9.   Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
So working through this book is definitely a good choice in my path of recovery.
For clarity sake: I exhibit two of the eight 'traits', threshold for BPD is at least 4/8. Plus than some other criteria, but all that is completely off-topic.

Which is why I have joined the Book Club threads on dissociation.

In the run up to this court date, and in fact in the run up to my previous court-date that was averted at the last moment, I have experienced thoughts like: "I'll let this happen, and it's a cry for help of sorts." Way back in my mind, it might well actual dissociation. Another part of me crying for help as my other parts find it practically speaking impossible to cope, find a job, apply to social security or in any other form secure an income so I can pay my bills.

So this time I did let it come to court-day. Perhaps because this time it's my health-insurance that is suing me, and part of the problem I keep being stuck in this cPTSD/avoidant/procrastinating limbo is that the 'advertised' (mental-)health-care isn't materializing, no matter how hard I try to seek help as I realize something is awry in my daily functioning.

I was pretty calm that morning. I had a sense of returning or staying in reality. This all IS my reality, even though it sucks. But reality sucks at times. Better face it. Easier said that done!
Another experience I had in the days leading up to this was inspired/trigger by chapter 7 of the book:

One way to start communication is to find common ground i.e. it's likely that all parts want to get better. Usually all parts can agree with this goal even though they are not likely to agree on how to achieve it in the beginning.

and me and all my parts (a.k.a. "we" ) agreed this was a good step to make. What it would bring is a great unknown, but I need to find help, we can not do it without third parties who are willing and able to aid us.
Scary? You bet. For some parts at least, but other parts felt confident as well. This was also an opportunity to again say, and let it be seen, I do want help, seek help, have thought help, committed to help offered, and still am struggling and not functioning as should, and more-ever: as I can, as proven at (plenty of) times in the past.

So when it was my time to approach the bench (there was a whole bunch of people who had been summoned to 'pay up', some fought the charge, others didn't. It was quite interesting to be honest. I was very much "there", not dissociating at all. I think all my parts were there too.) I didn't 'fight' the charge, and when asked: "How come you didn't/don't pay?" I told my story. Short. Stated that I needed help, had no control or oversight over my finances, had sought help but never got adequate help despite my efforts (I did tell the example of the alcoholism-treatment dupe). etc.

Of course the judge couldn't judge on anything I had to bring to bear, she was there to judge about the financial claims. This was obvious from the start.
But she did gave me an address she thought that might offer me help, or otherwise they might be able to assist me, and she made a remark that somehow made me feel validated: "I'm sure the health-insurance wants you to get the help you need as well." Which in fact they don't care for that much. They're mostly in it for the money, or for somebody at their office would have put 1+1 together and think: "Hmmm, this guy goes into addiction-treatment, then to a psychologist, and after that he gets behind in his payments... something is still wrong there... We have to offer some more help... Clearly there is no 'division' at the office that looks into the history of a client when the bills are not getting payed...
But I digress.

So I went to these people the judge suggested. Wrong 'agency' (why am I not surprised?) but I was steadfast, and they were actually helpful. They let me 'get it of my chest', listened, and game me advice to visit some other 'social services'. Looked up the nearest office for me, opening hours (very irregular, presumably so they can offer help to anybody: working, schoolmoms (or schooldays ), night workers etc.) and it turned out first opportunity was yesterday afternoon.
I went.
Did my story again (third time in two days. It was getting easy ), insisted on help, got listened to again, taken seriously and they forwarded me (again) but this time not to 'another agency', but to another 'level' of the care they can provide, and they arranged all that FOR me, instead of me having to take the reigns again. Which clearly is part of the problem for me at the moment: it takes too much energy to keep on taking the reigns and art from scratch time and again.

So I should be called next week (two weeks tops) and then services will come to my aid, and they should be able to provide what I asked for literally: "I need somebody who can take me by the hand at times, and do the (legal)stuff, the paperwork, when I'm not capable. Somebody who can take stuff out of my hands, when I can't hold anymore in my hands when they are full already."

So fingers crossed for the times to come.

Court ruling is in 5 weeks, so that's 5 weeks respite. Ruling will be I have to pay, but lets hope (and trust) things will be in place to tackle that problem then.

For the past two days I have been sleeping much better. Less midnight breaks, and I have been sleeping in to 7:30 two days in a row. Wow.
I also have a lot less urge to booze.
These are all good signs I've done "the right thing".
The right thing for me. The right thing for us.

Thanks for having a place to share this. Having gone NC with practically all of my dysfunctional and unhelpful abusivet FOO, having lost a good chuck of my support system. Which basically means I only thought they would be part of my support system but it has turned out they aren't, so I stopped sharing my story with them.

Here's to help from outside. Both in cyberspace as well as 'on the ground'.

[like]

... and possibly: who is this Critic? Which authority figure?

I have had periods in my life where things were going well. I remember a specific period, about 4 years ago, I was putting self-care first, above my studies. Somehow I felt doing that would benefit my ability to study later on.
This was in the end sabotaged by TherapistDramaMama, but lets forget about that.

So I wrote down some parts of me that had been really helpful then, and connected them to Inner Critics.

Perhaps this could be a useful tool for others as well.

Inner Strength				Inner Critic
- Eating and Cooking well. Food I like, yet taking into account nutrition as well. But primary: what would I like to eat today, not have to or mustn't.				- "you are not eating well enough, you'll die on this diet." Origin: Mom. "Are you eating well enough?" "Think of the poor starving kids in Africa!" "You're loosing weight." "You're gaining weight."  "I don't like what you cooked" (I did cook for my parents for a while) Other IC-"leading questions": Is it not too fat? Is it not too sugary? Is it from an organic farm? Is the meat OK? Is it not processed? Is it enough veggies?
- House Cleaner. Not everything has to be clean at all times, the same time, but as long as I clean most things once a week, it's fine.				- "That way there will always be dirty stuff somewhere!" An imprint of somebody else's Inner Child, namely my mom's who had a (s)mother who would pass with her finger on every surface out of sight to see if it was clean at my mom's appartment.
- Loving music, playing it regularly and finding more I like				- "This music isn't good enough." My father hated us children playing music. He hardly ever played music himself. I was forced to study music (the flute) and hated it. Later, in puberty, I had friends who where into music, but it had to be really complex/difficult. It took time to learn to appreciate it (for which I'm still thankful) but I have always been insecure. Until I went with one of these friends to the North Sea Jazz Festival, and we saw an unknown band that played out-of-sinc. Naturally I though this was part of the intricate-complex music (so I had to appreciate it, my IC said), when this friend burst out in laughter and said: "these guys are stoned, LOL! They miss every beat. This is ridiculous, LOL. I can't listen to this any longer." With a sigh of relief I left. Since then I'm less 'uptight'.

I will add some more, but I wasted too much time on getting this table stuff working, LOL.

[become]

Inspired by:

One way to start communication is to find common ground i.e. it's likely that all parts want to get better. Usually all parts can agree with this goal even though they are not likely to agree on how to achieve it in the beginning.

You may begin communication by agreeing how to spend leisure time or how best to complete chores.  It may take some time to communicate with all parts as they must feel safe enough to communicate.

I think I've found something that has to do with the root of my dissociation, and maybe will be a tool for recovery/management of it as well.

My parents have had a long and miserable marriage. For as long as I can remember they have had arguments, and they have been in therapy (on and off) for 30 years of their marriage that I know off, they have been in therapy during their 2,5 year divorce, and they have been in therapy (together!) for years after their divorce. 'Alternative' therapies of course, nothing evidence based. Well, perhaps the first few were, in which DramaMama then didn't get the full admiration of the therapist as she was being held accountable as well.

In the early stages of me coming out of the FOG in the last five years, I realized at some point that the relationship my sister had with me (I deliberately do not say "my relationship with my sister") consisted almost solely of her telling me what was wrong with me, with 'our' relationship' and that she so badly wanted to have a good relationship with me. I always thought is was fine. Or I should probably say "good enough".

The common denominator between these two relationships is that according to sis and the spouse of my father, a relationship is under constant revision/need for improvement, that it has to become a good relationship.
One important factor in me cutting contact with sis (that relationship was the first in which I went LC) was the realization that I couldn't understand why she kept hanging out with me if the relationship was so bad according to her. After which I quickly made the shift to: "why the * do I stay in that relationship then." And subsequently started taking the steps to set boundaries. (which I now know. I had no concept at all of proper boundaries at the time.)

So the imprint I have gotten from the dysfunctional marriage of my parents (copied by my sister, and I now know that the few 'romantic' relationships I have had were based on the same principle, save te last one that I quit for it being too comfortable (PTSD!)) is that the only 'good relationship' is one where there is something fundamentally wrong, and where the essence of a relationship is that the relationship has to improve.

I did realize at some point further down the path to recovery, that the essence of a relationship is that you say to yourself: "This relationship is good enough." (which of course doesn't mean that labeling an abusive relationship as 'good enough' is a good fix)

In my process of learning to cope better with my dissociation, and in the process of integrating the different parts of me, I have now made a note on my wall that the only thing I need to achieve is being able to tell myself that my relationship with/between my different parts is good enough. And I should probably try to start having that opinion from now on. It already is good enough. My different dissociated parts are to some degree strangers to each other, and for strangers they have a good enough relationship.

That I have different dissociative parts is the result of TherapistMom's incessant therapy on me that I needed to be fixed, that I had to get into contact with my feelings. While I probably was in perfect contact with my feelings as a child: it's DramaMama who didn't like my feelings and pushed me to have other feelings. She pushed me to not feel my feelings, dissociate from them. Her incessant pushing of me (and everybody else in her household) to "work on yourself" meant we were pushed to fix something that wasn't broken. She broke it for us. She broke our spirits.

So I hope that in a sense to stop "working on me" (which is a forced commitment my TherapistMom imposed on me (Discover your core commitments)) and to start from a position where my relationship with my different parts is good enough at this point in time may be of aid in my recovery.

[long]

I guess this is rather psychological abuse than emotional, but this board fits the bill regardless.

Inspired by the pavlov-dogs.

***trigger warning: this is about NOT being seen or heard and gaslighting***

I'm not sure if any of you are familiar with these terms. I'm only familiar with them via TherapistMom and Dad. Yet, to be frank, I haven't got a clue what these terms actually mean. My experience has been they do not mean what they appear to mean, imho.
This is a story of gaslighting.

My parents picked up these terms in therapy. The New Age kind of therapy. The unprofessional kind of therapy. My mom's kind of therapy.
My dad has used these terms exclusively in the context of apologizing to me (probably others as well), saying "I did not see you there and then" and "I did not hear you there and then". Well, that obviously does not give a clue as to what "seeing and hearing somebody" would actually be.
My mom uses these terms almost exclusively in te context of "I see you and hear you", after which (without fail) a boundary violation occurs. During the end of my relationship with her, when the FOG had started to lift, I started to notice that when she brought up subject A, and I said: "No I don't want to talk about it" I would get the "I hear you and see you" speech (and she has a whole array of psycho-babble that follows it) that could go on for minutes (in my experience) and when she was done with her mantra's and spells, after taking hardly a breath, would say: "but what I wanted to say about subject A..."
I even got to a point I laughed out loud in her face on one such occasion. (well, it was on the phone, but still...)

So I have been conditioned (there are pavlov's dogs) to tremble and fear whenever somebody expresses sentiments that indicate they 'see me' or 'hear me'. Thankfully only my parents use these words, but now that I am in more contact with my dad I realized he uses these terms, and I do not even long for him to see me or hear me.
Sure, I want to get validated, appreciated, understood, taken into account and all that (which would equate to being seen and heard I presume) but I get itchy even when he says he "feels so seen" by me. I know I should take it as a compliment (and I do), but I can't but feel resentment at the term. Which sort of interferes with the appreciation he expresses to me, it's like a filter that diminishes the brightness of the bond we could have, and possibly even already do have.

I guess at some point I will have to ask him to ditch those terms. I think for the rest of my life I will have an allergy to "being seen" and "being heard". The words that is. 

See Me, Feel Me - Listening to You by the Who

[Often, recorded signs of a reversed anatomy are dismissed as an error of the x-ray technician, the left and right labels supposedly mixed-up.]

Situs inversus (=having a 'mirrored' anatomy)

***possibly triggering for "why doesn't anybody belief what I tell them?"***

Synopsis:

I was diagnosed with situs inversus totalis at six months old. Often, recorded signs of a reversed anatomy are dismissed as an error of the x-ray technician, the left and right labels supposedly mixed-up. It was only when I was taken to hospital with unrelated breathing problems that doctors began to consider the possibility that I had situs inversus. "Sit down and listen to everything I tell you", the doctor told my parents, who, even after listening intently, were left in a state of disbelief. Several medical staff hurried into the room, excited. Medics may only come across one case of situs inversus in their careers, and I was later invited to take part in a Guess What's Wrong With The Baby trainee doctor event.

(text formatting mine)

[Rondel de l'Adieu]

In Dutch this would be: "Scheiden doet lijden": Parting does make suffering.

Partir, c'est mourir un peu,
C'est mourir à ce qu'on aime :
On laisse un peu de soi-même
En toute heure et dans tout lieu.

C'est toujours le deuil d'un vœu,
Le dernier vers d'un poème ;
Partir, c'est mourir un peu.
C'est mourir à ce qu'on aime.

Et l'on part, et c'est un jeu,
Et jusqu'à l'adieu suprême
C'est son âme que l'on sème,
Que l'on sème à chaque adieu...
Partir, c'est mourir un peu.
Rondel de l'Adieu (1891) by Edmont Haraucourt

(somewhat free translation)
Parting is dying a bit
The mourning of something one loves
One looses a bit of one-self
In every hour and every place.

It's the grief of a vow
the last verse of a poem
Parting, it's dying a bit
The mourning of what one loves.

And as one parts, it's a play,
And just as the paramount goodbye
It's the soul you sow,
One sows in every goodbye...
parting is dying a little


In grief over the loss of my brother. #3 of my FOO I had to cut contact with.
We had a good thing going from my 19th to about my early 40's. It has since slowly died.

A compilation: Genius Acts Of Vandalism That Made The World A Funnier Place

Since our memories play such an important role in our triggers and also our recovery, I found this 'off topic' article on memory a nice relaxing read. I thought I'd share:
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/aug/18/google-rewiring-your-mind-memory-journal-plato

"I give thanks for help unknown already on the way."

This morning I phoned my dad.
Yep. I busted my own boundary.
It may well have been a good choice.
It might as well bite me in the tail.

The last couple of days I have been irresistibly drawn to Sonia Connely's STAND IN YOUR STORY
I found myself writing letter after letter to my father to tell him what I thought of my mom, and how her behavior has messed up the whole family-dynamic.
These letters where all too much.
Yet, I became more and more firmly standing in my story. The story fits me and the situation like a glove. I'm at a point I find a greatly reduced need/urge to JADE everybody about it.

My dad is in complete denial over his wife, and of course I cannot break her spell over him.
Somehow however it didn't feel right to not at least once tell him my "truth". Not the whole lot at once, but to say nothing at all, just like my parents did when they went through their divorce... that just didn't sit well. Not in the least since my dad has faithfully kept the omerta, but my mother has been smearing my dad to me (and her other children no doubt) at any opportunity. Which basically means at every time we had contact.

I had to tell him at least that.

So I had a long conversation with him. Hours. It went pretty well. Suddenly I'm not so sure about his Aspergers anymore.

But here comes the (possible) beauty:
Not too long ago he voiced the idea of speaking with a friend of his, who is a retired psychologist. Since my father is a science-lover, this friend of his had to be a scientifically based psychologist, contrary to New Age TherapistMom. So I encouraged dad to do this, specifically mentioning the science-based approach this friend of his must have. (Manipulative much? LOL. But no, not manipulative: it's honoring my dad's love and appreciation of evidence based science and the scientific method.)
Today on the phone we also spoke about his talks with him. And since I at some point had to confess the dire straits I'm in at the moment, he proposed I would talk with this friend of his too. Now, that is a bridge too far (as I am convinced a prime source of my family's dysfunction lies in the fact that TherapistMom a.k.a. DramaMama has made clients of those she had intimate relationships with. So no father and son in 'therapy' with his friend, thank you. Crossover of 'treatment' will be inevitable, IMHO. Dad gave me a link to this guys website.

So I just visited it. The first article I read triggered some resistance in me, but than I stumbled on one on "Narcissistic Parents".
Bingo.
The usual OOTF stuff, so to say.
I fully endorsed that article. It's the track I'm on at the moment.
So I was tempted to mail the link to dad immediately.
"No", I thought, "I have already gave my dad enough to stomach for a day, making clear I will not see his wife (who divorced him) ever again, because she's a boundary-buster who has been a therapist to all her FOC-members. (these where the two themes I spoke about, repetitively. To drive the point home. I tried to be gentle, while keeping driving down the dagger. Which sounds as a contradictio in terminis)

So I have now e-mailed this friend psychologist of his. With a big disclaimer in front, that if he does not find it fit to receive possible relevant information he is free to throw the mail out, and I then told some of my story (primarily that I'm no contact with my mother) and that I found a possible relevant article on his site, that I was not yet ready to disclose, unless he mails be back he does want to know more.

Perhaps this is "the help already on the way" I have been hoping for/counting on the past years.

Fingers crossed...

This topic has been moved to The Cafe.

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=4407.0

While this certainly does fall under the category "Our Relationships with Others", I am of the opinion the Cafe is a more suitable place. 

Happy birthday to you, Kizzie.

This may be going off at a tangent...

In my FOO, I was at least 4 years junior to any other member.
I have clear recollections that I tried to be part of the conversation (which was usually way over my head: in retro-respect I think my parents parentified everybody in the FOO, as they couldn't (or wouldn't) deal with their own stuff in the privacy of a strictly adult conversation) and so in order to catch up/participate I usually talked in metaphors. For which I often would get rebuked. If not scolded.
Invalidated for sure.
Probably 'rightly' so, since my metaphors didn't make any sense with the subject at hand. But hey, this was an at least four years junior member speaking. When the subject at hand was really adult stuff like Geopolitics, Social (in)justice, discrimination, emancipation... you all probably get the picture.
And I shouldn't leave out scripture (that rimes) which was dealt with in a usually very interpretational way. At the diner table not the scripture itself was read, but parts of chapters from a book that dealt on the meaning of the biblical verses.
Way over the head of any adolescent, let alone a child.

Are metaphors a form of dissociation?
I'd say yes. An innocent one (like daydreaming), but dissociation nonetheless.
And if one gets invalidated at such a young age for trying to 'fit in' by using metaphors to at least be able to be part of the conversation, wouldn't that possibly lead to taking dissociation to higher levels? Just so one can achieve attachment to the peer-group one grows up in? In a more or less desperate attempt to blend in somewhere at least?

Some of us know Shrinking Violet from her YouTube Channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzJxW0L4JQpLj0u-9buFXjA/videos

I loved her video's. Alas, due to Cyber-bullying she has shielded them now.
Apparently today is her birthday, and a few other Volgsters have made "Happy Birthday" video's. It's a great initiative, and I wanted to pass on the message here as well:
Happy Birthday, Shrinking Violet!
Happy Birthday Shrinking Violet and Happy Anti-Cyberbullying Day

Happy Birthday, Shrinking Violet! 

["Reparenting is a key aspect of relational healing. It is primarily a process of addressing the many developmental arrested needs of the traumatized child we were." (p.57)"Many abandoned children enter adulthood feeling that the world is a dangerous place where they are ill-equipped to defend themselves. Self-fathering heals the wounds of being helpless to protect yourself from parental abuse, and by extension from other abusive authority figures. Self-fathering aims at building assertiveness and self-protection. It includes learning to effectively confront external and/or internal abuse. Many survivors benefit greatly from classes and books on assertiveness training." (p.62)]

It's Father's Day where I live.
This year, I will devote the celebrations to something I need to learn and/or appreciate better for the times I already do this and have done this: Self-Fathering.
As Pete Walker has put it:

"Reparenting is a key aspect of relational healing. It is primarily a process of addressing the many developmental arrested needs of the traumatized child we were." (p.57)

"Many abandoned children enter adulthood feeling that the world is a dangerous place where they are ill-equipped to defend themselves. Self-fathering heals the wounds of being helpless to protect yourself from parental abuse, and by extension from other abusive authority figures. Self-fathering aims at building assertiveness and self-protection. It includes learning to effectively confront external and/or internal abuse. Many survivors benefit greatly from classes and books on assertiveness training." (p.62)

Have a good day y'all! 

["it was just okay between us, we previously had a few very difficult years together"]

Which I will not send to you, sis. Pointless.
What? Getting me to respond is the point. Which I refuse you. It's bad enough I do it here. But here it's to aid my recovery.


Header: Excuses from a rule-freak.

Hi Dutch

How are you?

I keep ruminating about what went wrong between us.
(I can relate.)
I hope you believe me, but I miss you very much.
(I bet you do. I don't miss you that much though. I miss you like a pain in the butt.)
I liked that I met you at X and hoped that things could get good again. Yet you did not respond to my e-mail later.
(Yeah, the mail that is much like this one. But than condensed in one sentence. I won't respond to this one either.)

I would love to restore contact.
(I don't. I'm relieved I'm done with the lousy contact we had. I'll explain during the course of my reply. That you won't get. I'll explain that too. Why it's so much better I don't explain. I can lift one tip of the veil right here: "How to deal with emotional manipulators: Don't negotiate, Don't engage, Don't confront, Know your buttons and Don't accept help." )
I find it so hard we do not see each other anymore. Not knowing how we do, and not talk to each other. I keep ruminating over the past years to discover where/why something went wrong. And what my part in it could be.
(Did you have had any succes yet? Never mind, it's a rhetorical question. As your mail will show.)

For you it's probably obvious, but not for me.
(I suspect this is a reference to what I have told her Flying Monkeys: "She knows. She may pretend that she doesn't, but she does.")
I am still in the dark and would find it very nice if you would tell me what it is, and why you do not respond to my emails.
(I bet you'd love me to tell you what it is. Yet, you know damned well what it is. As you know it's not just one thing. But a plethora of things. Yet it's all shrouded in 'plausible deniability' on your part, so you'd love me to point it all out. So you can deny. I'm not taking the fall for that, as I used to do.)

In my experience it was just okay between us the summer before mom's jubilee. Of course we previously had a few very difficult  years together, and I have certainly made mistakes.
(Right! Here we are getting to the heart of the matter:  "it was just okay between us, we previously had a few very difficult years together". This is not a disingenuous edit sis. It's what's rotten at the core. YOU have difficulties with me, but pass it off as 'just OK'. I know our mother has this installed in us, but I never fell into the trap in my relationship with you. You on the other hand... "Whatever, I'm really sorry". Indeed: whatever. You never 'own up'. To me it's not "whatever". To me it matters. But oh boy (or I should probably say: girl) if I make clear this is what matters to me, "Whatever!" is exactly the response I get from you. In reverse, you NEVER say "whatever" if I do something that does not match up to your ridiculous high standards... No, than a point has to be driven home, a wooden stake needs to be driven through anybody's heart. Righteous sister... Yuck. )
But the contact was nevertheless restored. Perhaps not  as before, but we called occasionally and saw each other occasionally.
(Again, this goes to the heart of the matter: "contact restored, not  as before." That's not restoration, that's change. Again, I'm not being disingenuous in this edit. You are gaslighting me by writing it up as you do. It also does show that you know damned well what went 'wrong' and when.)

And now we have long been little or no contact. I find that really unfortunate.
(Fortune has nothing to with it. Your actions, or in some some cases, lack of it, are the cause of this.)
And I keep mulling over what went wrong between us. I contemplated all kind of things, and now I realized that maybe mom's Jubilee had anything to do with it. I'm not sure it is, but maybe I've done something clumsy there?
(Are you not sure? You know sis, you do. Clumsy? No. Deliberate action on your part. As you have said before: I wanted to do something with you and Bro on this jubilee. The end result was you did something with bro (and your kids, but I leave them out for argument's sake. They have after all nothing to do with the set-up you had planned) and didn't even INFORM me. I'm not even talking about inviting me or joining forces with me after you (and bro) originally were so reluctant to do so. INFORMING me was even too big an effort on your part. And you KNOW it. But as you've written below: you make it look I pulled the plug on the project, when I didn't. Neither you nor bro ever committed.)

I know that a long time prior to the jubilee you already came up with the idea to do something nice for mom, including some time in a cottage, we could go skiing or do some other activity. I found it very nice you thought of that for mom, but I didn't like the idea. Especially because me and mom have had quite changing contact for a long time. At times it's good, at times not at all. A week seemed to long for me. A weekend was all I could possibly do.
(But you needed time to commit to even that. Time you were given. Either way.)
Bro had not responded at all...
(not true sis, and you know it. He responded late, annoying late for sure, with a "I don't know yet either way".)
...and we talked about that. You were angry about that...
(Indeed. What a wimp.)
...and angry as well I did not want to spend a whole whole week.
(not true)
I had the feeling that after I gave you my explanation, you understood.
(Yes, I did indeed. Especially after you reminded me you had choked him the last time we spend a week together in a cottage 25 years ago. And made it look you were te victim for grabbing him by the throat. It reminded me of what a physically abusive women you are, sis. No surprise there why my visceral reaction was: "I'm not going to sit with her in a cottage for even a weekend." It took me a while to cognitively understand why my immediate reaction was: No sis, I'm not going to spend a weekend with you in a cottage." You are dangerous sis, you inflict bodily harm, up to the point where it is life-threatening. And it is YOU who assaults, there was no self-defense at play then. It was over him not buying a birthday cake for mom, by your own admission. I had forgotten about the whole episode, still have no recollection of it, but given the history of your violence I do not have to doubt your story in any way. If only for: Who would make up such a story in the first place? To make something like that as a pity-party? Nah. Your narrative is exactly what happened. But you feel entitled to do stuff like that... It's horrendous and dare I say: sick? Yes I dare. But not in your face. Lest I get choked as well.
"You were angry as well I did not want to spend a whole whole week, my explanation, you understood"
Again sis, not a disingenuous edit. Now what is it? Do you want to fight about about me being angry, or fight with me about me understanding you? You're right, I gave you all the understanding. And did not get angry at you.
You're making things up. Only to make sure there is still a pot to stir up. Even if I give you my understanding (which I did by your own admission here), you still need to bring up the fabrication I was angry.)
We agreed that we would leave the matter until after the summer holidays.
(ehrrrm, agreeing is not the right term here sis: You and Bro were a no show at that point in time. Perhaps you might be a 'show' after the summer holidays. Not much to 'agree' on, rather a dictate. But as far as 'agreeing' is part of it: Yes, if not at that point in time, I was certainly open to you changing your position post-summer. So for the sake of argument: let's say we agreed on that. And I do think that by the way you phrase this, it's clear I had not said to you (or bro) "Screw you all, forget it!" You left it up in the air. And so did I leave the matter open.)

And after the holiday was all wrong.
(How so?)
Is it perhaps because I still wanted to discuss something about Mom's birthday?
("Discuss" is probably key here. Yes, "discuss" is what you wanted. Not "agree" to do something. These perpetual 'battlegrounds' sis, I'm so sick of it.)
Did I not practice enough patience?
(I told you, in a mail, I was happy to hear any proposal you might have, via mail, and asked you to send our bro your proposals as well, so we could have a three-way conversation. I know, that's something else than a discussion, but hey: It's what I prefer, a conversation. You know? A process in which one tries to find common ground, and not  a process where one tries to find points of contention. Silly me)
Did I take over? Did I start arranging things too quick? Did I have to wait for your initiative?
(Wait for my initiative? Who are you kidding here sis? I already had taken the initiative. That you thwarted. What initiative did you take? I mean, an initiative that I could be part of? None. You went your own way.)
I do not know. If I have taken over than I'm sorry!
(No you're not.)
That truly was not my intention.
(Yes it was.)
I sometimes am too much of a rule-/controlefreak.
(A dictator and manipulator would be a better fitting term.)
I shouldn't be.
(And you claim not to know what went wrong? LOL.)
For that I'm truly sorry. My apologies.
(For what exactly, sis? For putting the onus on me? Because that is what this whole mail is about. About me.
And you know that the primary grievance you have on me is that it's always about me.
But could you tell me where in this mail it's exactly about you, what you have done, where you have been actively sabotaging me and any effort I made? You claim to be ignorant of what's the 'problem' yet you make so perfectly clear you know all to well. Of course you do: you planned and executed all this after all. And now you want me to reply, and make it all about me again. Now you want me to talk about me, only to turn it all back on me. Perhaps even with the very same words: "It's all about you! What about me!"
It's a Double Bind, sis. "Any which way, but lose." For me.)

Love, sis.
(I don't love you, sis. And you don't love me. I know. Because I know I have people who love me. And it's nothing like you give me. Or have ever given me.)

You know that I know that you know exactly what you have done. You just prefer to stay quiet about it. Lest you have to admit YOU did something YOU think is wrong. I can relate. From the time I was a little kid. Nowadays I own up. And don't send petty letters like you do.

Content as quoted is not verbatim.

edit: spelling, interpunction, and a few minor edits to make it more clear for myself.

This night I had a dream. Nothing particular to mention about the content (I don't even remember that much), but when I woke up I realized the dream was not about 'me' at all. The main character (and definitely my 'vintage point') was not me. The guy didn't look like me, did not have my physique, didn't do things I'd do, did things I have never done, never had any inclination to do, etc.

Still, my immediate reaction/recollection was it is about me. Not in the least since I identified with the 'main' character, or as I said: my vintage point, my point of experience in the dream.

Yet how do I know he doesn't look like me, hasn't my physique? It's not that I looked in mirrors a lot in that dream.

So I wonder if I dissociate in my dreams, or if dreams are by definition a form of dissociation?
(And mind you, daydreaming is a form of dissociation. And there's nothing wrong with it. So I'm not trying to paint 'dissociative' dreams as anything pathological.)
Are dreams like this (and most of mine are like this: few are actually about me) perhaps even 'empathic'? Or a 'study' in empathy? Me putting myself in 'his' shoes?

In case anybody is interested in participation in research:
Have you been raised by a primary caregiver with Asperger's Disorder?
-Invitation for participating in research

As I type this, participants are still welcome.
Specific info on eligibility and the selection process in the link.

I have told my father that I don't want him to call me, nor mail me. He can write letters/postcards if he wants.
I won't go into the details why (I've written that elsewhere), but I did tell him why.
There is one exception to this boundary I have set to him: He can phone/mail if it's "urgent".

On Sunday he has phoned me (I missed the call), so I checked my mail. It was a well-wishing mail.


Another boundary-bust, and I hate it. I'm so angry!
So I've been struggling since yesterday with my anger. My rational (read: conditioned) part wants to reason it away, And my Inner Critic says "Don't be so uptight, it's a well-wishing mail/call, for crying out load!"
But this morning I see the forest for the trees: It's a 'narcissistic' ploy* to reel me back in. The well-wishing is nothing more than ribbon on a turd. If it is dressed up nicely, it doesn't smell. Or some such.

*Now, I don't know if my father is a narcissist, I still suspect he's an Aspergers with a severe case of narcissistic fleas. And although I wish to have a good relationship with him, and love his well-wishes that are so scarce by any measure, I'm so annoyed he again busts my boundaries, which has been so typical in the abuse I have endured for 50-odd years, and which has been so institutional in my 'upbringing' in/with my FOO.

So again I have to be resilient in protecting my boundaries: don't answer, don't acknowledge and mark this one up as another sign it will probably never will get any better: he is simply oblivious to the concept of boundaries as I have been so long myself.
He's a doormat himself, he lets this kind of stuff happen to him all the time, in particular with his wife, still 15 years after she divorced him.
I know this all too well, I have fallen for it time and again: what looks like a present is just a sneaky way to bypass somebody else's boundary.
I guess I have fleas from him in this respect...

Wish me strength.

Well, I only learned about it today, but it was June 1st: http://ifmywoundswerevisible.com

https://twitter.com/hashtag/ifmywoundswerevisible

Never too late to share, IMHO.

to all who have been victim of Narcissistic Abuse.

Thanks to Narcissists Use Diversion Tactics to Silence You Part II by Self-Care Haven for informing me about this awareness day.

Best pic IMHO from the twitter feed:

[any]

Mourning has been a subject that has come up more than once in my recovery. As it has in other periods of my life. Depression too.

I've long wondered if I'm depressed at times, or if it is something else. Like having a bad day, or feeling down. Often that's called "I'm depressed", but I have been told depression itself is a different thing.
But now this thought was triggered by a news article on the new DSM, where "complex mourning" will be added. So I had a look around what "complex mourning" is. (in short: it's a prolonged period of mourning over the death of a loved one, more than 6 months. Which presumably excludes the 'anniversary-blues', which is very common if not 'par of the course'.)

As a by catch I stumbled on these definitions of Depression and Mourning.
- When having a depression the Inner World is empty.
- When mourning the Outer World is empty.
(source (apparently): Freud (1913) Trauer und Melancholie (Mourning and Melancholia) )

This fits with what a dear friend has told me about her depressions (she's bipolar): she experiences a great inner emptiness. I will not go into details, but when she explained I started to feel almost sick. And I knew I have never had such an experience.
And the periods I have felt 'depressed' have always been when something in the 'outer world' went missing: a relationship breakup, job loss, the divorce of my parents, a failed exam or study etc.

I thought I'd share. Perhaps others are having the same question: am I in mourning, or am I depressed?


***the personal meaning of the above in my recovery***
For me personally having seen this simple distinction between the two is actually helpful. As I am in mourning (for much longer that 6 months) over the loss of my field of work. That it takes so long in my case, is because (I think) I was never allowed to mourn. And I can't remember there has been any mourning whatsoever in my FOO.
When my mom's mother died I was young (6) and she went alone to her hometown, and the rest of my FOO only went over for the funeral. Of her brother's funeral I remember little, even though I was an adult then. But that may be that his FOC wasn't too bereaved as my Uncle had had a long psychological struggle with his war-experiences in the Dutch Indies just after WW II. "he finally has his peace now" was the mantra of his children and wife. (Although I suspect it may have been in fact about his (and my mom's) mom (my grandma) suicide threats she made to anybody in her FOC. Uncle spoke about his war-trauma's with his pastor. Endlessly. Why not go to a veterans-centre? Well, if it was really about his mom, that would make a lot more sense. Especially as he never told anybody else about his war-trauma's. He only trusted the pastor. Perhaps there was no real war-trauma, but was it a convenient excuse as to why he went to see him? Or he and his FOO thought it better not to air the dirty family-laundry in public? Who knows. I do not intend to find out...
At the funeral of her brother in Law she was very flashy dressed. Very inappropriate. A jezebel. And I must confess that's the only time in my life I have thought of that word. This was shortly after her divorce, or perhaps even during the two and a half year divorce ordeal. She was dressed as for a party. The sight of her couldn't be missed. She was more sulking than grieving.

Dad? As I have mentioned earlier I suspect him to be an Aspergers, which is possibly why (externally) he hasn't shown any mourning when his mother, his father and recently his brother and best friend since high-school died. When I asked him, a few times over the weeks following the death of his brother and friend, he said he couldn't say, and what he did say was all very matter-of-fact. Like "now I'm the only one left of my FOO" with an expressionless face and voice. That was it.

So I think I simply never learned to mourn, or associate the feelings with mourning, but rather with depression. Or so my TherapistMom would like me to believe, which is a distinct possibility. Another 'flaw'.
Neither of my parents ever told me I was mourning, and that is was OK. Perhaps because both, each in there own way, don't mourn the way "non's"/NT's do.

Long story short: I now know for sure I'm mourning and I do not need anti-depressants. I wondered if I should, but I also guess that if I had been depressed the psych-team that looked at my anxiety and did the SCID-II test with me would have spotted a depression for sure.