Topics

This YouTube Vlogster is awesome.

Narcissists are Laughable: Emotional Detachment/Reverse Discourse.

I must say that from personal experience I know how much this can help.
Unfortunately this doesn't negate the fact that the EF's will still kick in at times, even if one has 'laughed it off' at times, but it is a helpful tool nonetheless IMHO.
At the very least it can bring temporary relief.

It also reminds me of another useful 'trick': Since the human brain is wired to 'mirror' emotions expressed by facial expressions, it can help to look at yourself in the mirror and put on a 'fake smile'. Do this as relaxed as possible. It doesn't have to be a big grin or an expression of hilarious laughter, just a faint satisfactory expression will do. After some minutes you'll feel your mood lift.
( The reverse is also true. If you spread your eyes wide open and open your mouth a bit (the expression of startlement or fear) you'll notice after a few minutes you will start to feel really uncomfortable. I picked that exercise up in a (unrelated) book and tried the reverse, which worked.)

I guess that's why the  smiley is one of my favorites.

Hi all,

Today is my first anniversary here.
Thanks so much for allowing me to be around, and thanks so much for all your insights, your support, your questions, your reflections and giving me a place to share my story, my experiences, my grief, my joy, my confusion and my peace without invalidating judgement.

This is the first and only place where I am not an outcast.

Thanks so much, without you all I wouldn't have made it this far. 

[my]

While this is more a thread on progress, I posted this in the frustrated/setback section for everybody who has (a bit of) a hard day on Mother's Day.

This year is the first time in ages I did not send my mother a card. Even though I am NC with her, and I consider this to be an NC for over a year now, I had some MC contact with her during the first months, and I might even have send her a card last year. I'm not quite sure.

But this year I am sure of it. 

I do spend time on 'celebrating' this day though, but in a new way.
I'm making this about me and my relationship with my mother, as I see, feel and experience it. Not about her.

I have been inspired by this by two video's I have seen over the course of last year:
***possible triggers*** A Special Mothers Day Message which is basically a rant on how we all remember very well the abuse hurled or inflicted upon us: Let's remember that on this day as well.
&
How to Divorce Your Mother, especially the suggestion/advice at the very end (@1:07:10)  to "Observe Mother's Day to be kind to yourself".

So far so good, I've written a long letter to 'mom' (which I will not send) remembering the obnoxiousness and horrors, which I was able to write calm and collected, yet in full contact with the disgust and rejection I have for it nowadays. It's an NC validating letter, and it feels pretty good and appropriate.
Sending her back all that crap allows for kindness for myself today.

For anybody else having a hard time today, I send you hugs.


We are worthy of the kindness we can give ourselves.

Since this topic is about a cPTSD person in your life it has been moved to When Someone in Your Life has CPTSD where hopefully other members who are dealing with similar issues may spot your post easier and give you advise and support from their own experiences.
Perhaps in that section you will find other threads dealing with similar situations as well.

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=3900.0

I hope I have the guts to follow up on this great initiative:

Email Debt Forgiveness Day: whittle down your inbox without the apologies

It sounds like a plan. 

[thought]

I couldn't find a dedicated thread to this phenomenon, and possibly this should go to the "Inner Critic" section, as Pete Walker mentions 'catastrophizing' in his chapter on "Shrinking the Inner Critic" (bottom of the page, #10)

I want to share about this since last week for the first time I became very aware of the process of 'catatrophizing' I was in. As some of you may be aware I am in the process of going NC with all my FOO. LC seems to be not working and slowly but surely LC develops in VLC and since still no boundaries are respected all my relationships are progressing to NC, insofar they have not already reached that stage.

***possible triggers on Asperger's***

I recently choose not to attend a family-gathering.
So the other day I had this horrible 'vision' that after this family-fiesta Enabler/uAsperger's 'dad' would bust my "No E-Mail"-boundary once again by sending me family-pictures from the event. While in itself this is a distinct possibility, it would only happen in a month or so from now. But I felt I was really getting worked up and started to contemplate all kind of scenario's on how I could (or SHOULD) react. The whole 'should-ing' is probably part of the catastrophizing itself, I guess.

Moreover, I experienced I was already getting an emotional reaction to this boundary-busting. So I was basically RAGING (at some point) over something that had not even happened and might possibly not happen at all, and it was at this peak of emotional upset it dawned on me I was catastrophizing. I suppose my emotional upset at the thought is actually more an Emotional Flashback to past boundary-busts and it is projected to possible future 'repeats'.

I have calmed down considerably by now, even though the fear of future boundary-busting is still present. And rightfully so, I'm not being paranoid. Boundary-busting is a favorite past-time in my FOO, and whether it's malignant intent by Cluster B's or a benign "can't change old routines, we are still one big happy family even though my wife left me and you don't want to be part of the family event, we are nevertheless a close-knit family, and you getting the pictures is proof of that" by an Asperger's, the (emotional) effect is quite the same on me.

But at least I have now reached the point of: "I'll see when it happens what action I want to take. I cold even simply ignore it if it happens."
Perhaps the greatest anti-dote to catastrophizing is to do away with the "shoulds" and realize I have a whole range of options to choose from. That I'm no longer a child that can be pressed into service and/or obligated reaction.
And that, in my specific case with Asperger's dad, I do not have to follow his example that there is only one 'right' way to deal with events. It might drive him into a 'meltdown' if I behave 'unexpectedly' and/or 'wrong', but that's no reason why I should fall into a meltdown as well. Let alone long before the event.

I really don't know where else to put this, but I'm sort of inspired by this video:

3 Men With Tourette's On A Holiday
(Sorry Ladies, no gender specific preference implied)
***Obvious Trigger Warning: These guys have Tourette's. While there are plenty of *bleeps* in the vid as it is, there's plenty to trigger. Hey, these guys know all about triggers. Just different than ours. Well, some of their triggers are different. I think we share a few.***

I so hope these guys make it.

About two years ago I went to the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam with a group of people from my local Humanistic Society. We all had done a course in "The art of Life through the eyes of modern philosophers' (18th century onwards) together, and even after we had concluded this course months prior, the teacher invited us to join her to visit this exhibition.
(Some background information on the exhibition here)

I was already well on my way out of the FOG (hadn't a clue yet I would need to go through a Storm as well  ) and I was struck by this caption the guest-curators had written next to this piece of Art (12th century AD):

(click https://www.rijksmuseum.nl/en/collection/AK-MAK-84 for rijksmuseum-page on this piece)

Today I stumbled on a picture I had made of the caption. It's blurred so I typed it up:

***possible triggers on motherhood***

The title of their caption read:
I can't cope. I want Mommy,
even if I'm 44 and a half. (which fitted the bill about right)

Here we're a long way culturally rom the Christian story, so what's surprising and intriguing is that we observe very similar needs being addressed in very similar ways. The Buddhist deity Guanyin was the savior of people in peril. Until the 14th century he was represented as a man, later as a woman. Like Jesus or the Virgin Mary, Guanyin fulfilled the related roles of hearing us in our distress, meeting us with tenderness and strengthening us to face the tasks of life.
The centrality of such figures in the Buddhist and Christian outlooks suggests that all mature lives will involve moments of deep-self-doubt and feelings that one cannot cope alone. It's not a sign we have failed as a human to be overwhelmed by a need for reassurance.
Modern society struggles to update what this figure represents and to provide a contemporary version of the publicly available nurturing mother.
Exhibiton: "Art is therapy", Rijksmuseum.
Guest-curators: Alain de Button and John Armstrong.

Now, years later, I'm struck by the content of the caption, as it really is something I identify with: finding a nurturing source outside my dysfunctional FOO and upbringing. And my need to connect with people and society, and that (not) surprisingly this is apparently and age-old theme for humans and humanity.

Reading this makes me feel more connected to the human experience.
I hope and wish it may feel the same for you.

[reasonable]

I'm in financial dire straits. But since a week or so I've taken the route to seek financial support outside my FOO.

I have discovered over the past week that it is FAR easier and INFINITELY less stressful to arrange for a debt-relief program directly with my creditors/service providers, than taking on the offer my 'dad' made to me he would financially support me. In the latter case he first said: "Fine, I promised I would, so I'll do so" only to renegade on the promise the day after and ending the conversation (after he had cut the loan in half and made it a payment in installments instead of whole-sum) with the words: "your behavior is unworthy of a father-son relationship!"
(I think I posted that already somewhere)

"Why did you ever fall in that trap?" (says the Inner Critic)
"Well, since he made you the offer. Of course you expected him to stand by it. And he did, initially. How could you say up front to your dad: 'Up yours with your loan offers, your words are not worth the saliva that comes with them! I'd rather be homeless than to turn to you and get a certain smack-in-the-head within 24 hours.' ?" says my Inner Ally, my Adult Man, my Inner Father.
My self-compassionate Me. Self-forgiving Me. And not to forget reasonable Me.
I should make a statue of those three like the Hear no evil, See no evil, Speak no evil monkeys. 

I'm posting this in "Frustrated" as I am once again reminded of the Learned Helplessness that still is being poured in my soul, rather than posting it in "Progress" because this helps to see that even total strangers who actually have a legit 'claim' on me are more kind, forgiving, compassionate and cooperative than EntitledEnablerDad.

I wish I could weep. But I'm too tired, to stressed out and too frustrated to come even near that state.

This night a thought/idea emerged.
Is going NC an appropriate Fawn-response?
Is Ross Rosenberg's method of "Don't absorb, but observe" an appropriate Fawn-response?

I translate Fawn as "play dead", like the mouse that has been caught by the cat does, waiting for an escape opportunity.
It's my understanding of the 4F-typology that all four are valid options, and all four are very basic, animalistic even, responses. They are not part of our cognitive processing power.
Appropriate Fight, Flight or Freeze are not so difficult for me to 'pin-point': Fight in self-defense, Flight to escape danger (an appropriate avoidance mechanism), Freeze to sit/stand still to gather missing information before action can be decided on, but Fawn? This has so far eluded me.

I identify myself as a Fawn-type, and I already have a pretty good idea how and when this was 'hoisted' on me. As a result of this 'programming' I have started to use this defense mechanism in all sorts of situations where either of the other three might be a more productive, functional response. I'm trying to 'recover' my Fight-response, but am I not at risk to Fight when Fawn IS a valid and perhaps even 'best' response?
In my NC for example? Might it be so that the hoovers I subsequently have to endure are a way to trigger my Fight (or Flight or Freeze) response, like the cat plays with his prey to see if it's really dead?

Are Medium Chill and Grey Rock also legit forms of Fawn?

Does anybody have thoughts and/or experiences on this?

I have found this interesting article on addictions. It quite long and definitely triggering.

***possible triggers on not-wanting-to live, and some references to spirituality/religion being a must***
Or in her own words:

This material is intended to rattle a bunch of cages. If it doesn't, I've failed in my mission to illuminate a path toward full recovery, where your addictive impulses cease to exist.

She's pretty blunt overall. It's a lot to take in, so perhaps it's best to digest it in installments. I have, and I still go back piecemeal.

Addiction is addiction, whether it's to alcohol/drugs, online social media, sex or porn, gambling, exercise, eating, work, codependency or scholastic/athletic over-achievement--and the same root causes and recovery principles always apply, no matter what your drug of choice is

I myself are still addicted to a lot of stuff, so I can't vouch for her article to work, but a lot on what I've read in the article fits well with articles and books on recovery from cPTSD, so I think this is a worthwhile resource to add to the mix, especially if you are struggling with addictions.

Outgrowing your Addiction

Over the course of the last weeks a thought has kept popping up: I'm so jealous of these folks who say "Whenever I have a problem, I ask myself: what would dad have done or advised in situations like this?" And obviously these are the people who say this from a position where dad (deceased or not) is still a pillar of support and inspiration.
I can't say I have friends or others around me who have said this (I guess there is a common denominator among us in this respect), but I've heard people say this on the telly. Often 'successful' people, who often have had their share of hardship as well though.

I'm faced with a dad, who has metastasized as my Inner Critic.
Which makes me so sad.
Not in the least since he is my Critic in real life as well. It's not that he has mellowed down or anything. And if he himself is not criticizing me, he will be in the process of enabling others to bust my boundaries.
He's an outer critic in the flesh.

The amount of energy I have to spend to actually DO something, the amount of energy spend on beating this 'dad' down, (or 'mom', or 'sis'... I don't want to pick just a random scapegoat  ), to get him to shut up and leave me be... HUGE. Which often leaves me exhausted before I even have started.

Sorry to be so gloomy.

Yesterday I got a small letter from my dad. Since my birthday is coming up in the next month, he wants to meet me that day.
My automatic thought was: "Fine."

But it isn't.
I already had decided I will quit celebrating my birthday, in the way I have been doing so far. For a variety of reasons, but the main one is: I simply don't feel like it anymore.
I had already decided I would tell the handful of friends who often attend my birthday I won't be home anymore on that day, that I don't celebrate it anymore.
Last year I already told my 'mom' that I didn't want her to visit me, but told the white lie I wouldn't celebrate it at all. But I was home, that year. I met dad the weekend after.

"What would you like for a present?" my dad asked. He always asks. Never comes up with anything himself. Which is not a problem in itself, but not without meaning I'd say.
After a few beers yesterday I wrote down in my notebook: "As a present I would like to have an assurance that you won't have DramaSis, your anything-but-ex ex-wife, my brother or anyone else in tow when we meet."
Which really would be a present after the stunt he and DramaSis pulled on me on his birthday. Good Grief. That it has come to this... 
I don't trust the man anymore, that much is sure. I probably could hardly ever trust him before that either, yet I did. Not anymore. That's the major difference nowadays.

So I'll have to write him he's not welcome, since I have quit celebrating my birthday. Forever. <--- that's a white lie as well: I simply don't know if it will be forever. It's true in a way though: I have no idea if, when or how I will celebrate any of my future birthdays.

I have a strong feeling this year's birthday is a sort of watershed. The old birthdays are gone, and what the future will bring is unknown. But this year has to the clean cut between past and future.

The automatic "Fine, dad" is obligation. And I have felt obliged long enough to entertain my parents on my birthday. It never was much fun with them...

I bet my refusal to entertain dad will have some fallout. 
Bleh.

[them being victims]

***possible triggers on Domestic Violence, nasty divorces, mentally ill partners/family***

The importance of being a victim, and knowing that you are.

A meeting with friends a few weeks ago has spiked my interest in this subject.
I think most of us here have experienced "blaming the victim" attitudes in those we thought would be part our support-group, and other factors that make it difficult for us to even accept we have been a victim, or even accept we still are, so many years down the road.

A friend of mine has been going through a really hard time for years now. Long story short (and I'm thus cutting a lot of corners here): His wife went psychotic and completely isolated herself, and after a long struggle he divorced his wife in absentia. His wife simply never replied to any mail, registered mail and didn't show up in court. This process took years, off course: no court will easily divorce a couple with one of the partners not present in any shape or form. She was probably represented by a state-appointed lawyer who never even got to see or speak to her, as she never responded to any of his/her mail either. (I don't know all the legal aspects of this affair)

Only a few weeks ago I learned that at some point in time his wife beat him up, and also a friend at who's apartment they were staying for a while.
That's Domestic Violence.
Yet nobody called her out on it. She was already in a bad mental state at that time, so in a sense it was "shrugged off". A "she needs help, not rebuke" attitude. Possibly quite rightly so.

But I see now (or at least I think so ) that one important part of the equation is missing: Why did these guys not see it for what it (also) was: Domestic Violence, and them being victims ?
Most probably they still don't see themselves as victims. I know for a fact they certainly view the (ex-)wife as a victim of her disease (which is quite probably true) but somehow this exonerates her, with the result they can't view themselves as victims. If there's no perpetrator ((ex-)wife is "besides herself" after all, so there's no 'real' agent/agency to be identified) how can one be a victim?

And I wondered, entered fantasy-land so to speak, what would have happened if they would have been able to see themselves as victims right after they had been beaten up, had gone to the police, filed a complaint, and mentally ill though-not-yet-fully-psychotic wife had been confronted with a police officer showing up at the doorstep saying: "madam, we have had a complaint filed at our office, we want you to come down to the station to get your statement on record. This is a police investigation."?

Ex-husband is still enmeshed with her, can't really 'let go', is pressured to do so, but I think everybody is missing an important clue here: He is a victim. And so is the friend who got beaten up in his own apartment.

Since then I have been working on my own victimhood, so to say.
With the essence being: saying to myself I'm a victim, period. And I must say I feel I'm making progress in my recovery. The urge to JADE seems to have faded. Not gone yet, but much, much less prominent in my thoughts. This includes a much reduced need to speak to my friends on what has happened and is still happening. Since they don't 'get it' anyway, and unfortunately we live in a society that puts such an emphasis on self-care, self-affirmation, self-help, self-expression, self-anything that there is hardly any room for outside interference as being made a victim. If we become a victim, it's again we ourselves have to 'fix' that.
Well, I think I'm slowly coming to a mindset I don't have to fix anything about that. No self-fixing, no self-healing, no self-exonerating, no self-nothing.
Having been made a victim had nothing to do with myself to start with. It was done to my self, which is a completely different perspective on my self in this whole ordeal.
Something along the lines of "I didn't cause it, I can't fix it, I can't cure it."
While that may sound fatalistic (it does to me as I type that) it isn't in my experience. I have more energy, more positive energy for sure and my days and the world does seem less gloomy. (Which might just be Spring, but lets not rain on my own parade I.Cr.!  )

I can't really explain what has happened, or what I do differently now. But I think that by accepting that I'm a victim (which does take an effort BTW) I'm much less preoccupied with ruminating on how I could have prevented it, how I could have made it stop sooner etc. etc. Which frees up a lot of energy for: "How do I go on from here?"

I'm a bit astonished it took me a view on a friend of mine who (in my eyes) is still stuck in a (codependent?) relationship with his ex (and whom I have never heard speaking of him being a victim of his wife's illness) to acknowledge to myself I had some 'being a victim'-work to do myself. To end my own codependent and enmeshed tendencies with my abusers, who have made me their victim.
In a sense, this allows me to leave my victimhood with them, for the most significant part, which leaves me with much less to bear, to carry around.
I think. The process is still fresh, young, early.
But the changes I have experienced over the last three weeks or so are remarkable.

I wanted to share.

[we]

I find this a great article that both sheds a light on the abuse we have suffered at the hands of a Personality Disordered Person, as well as a tool, a validation, of how to 'overcome' the abuse with the skills we possess, and 'they' don't: our Discerning Mind. Which, IMHO, we can and should reconnect with and/or allow greater prominence in our lives. It's a great asset to our recovery, IMHO.

http://shrink4men.com/2011/01/17/high-conflict-and-abusive-personality-disordered-women-the-emotional-judging-mind-vs-the-discerning-mind/
The article can be read gender-neutral, of course. It's about the Emotional Judgmental Mind, regardless of gender.

Site Copyright: Tara Palmatier, the actual article I quote is credited to the actual (anonymous) author in the article itself.

High-Conflict and Abusive Personality-Disordered Women: The Emotional Judging Mind Vs. the Discerning Mind

by: Anonymous Client a.k.a. AC007

If you have been involved with a high-conflict woman, you have, without a doubt, been subjected to your share of harsh criticism and judgment. No one is perfect, but you know that the criticism you receive is unwarranted. The sheer quantity and repetitive nature of her judgments will serve as a red flag at some point.

Any defense of your alleged offenses will certainly elicit a response that you are always judging her in some way. On the surface, this counterpoint makes just enough sense to seem valid. I mean, you were probably somewhat critical of her in your defense, right? It is easy to get caught in this quagmire.

The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines judgment as a formal utterance of authoritative opinion. But what happens when this opinion is based on distorted views and the authority is an emotionally-charged victim who never takes responsibility for anything? The net result is that her judgments become false and self-serving accusations. Her goal is to put you in a one-down situation whereby you constantly have to defend yourself.

Your defensive responses then fulfill her prophecy that you are the critical, judgmental person. In actuality, the judgments you defend lack any merit because they are based on her distorted views. But somehow, you go there anyways hoping to prove yourself right, but always finding the arguments futile. So what is really going on?

I would offer that the answer lies in understanding the conceptual differences between judgment and discernment. Judgment creates a polarized emotional value of good or bad directed towards something or someone. During adversity with a high-conflict individual, their judgments are negative and always directed towards others because they lack the introspective ability to assess any faults of their own.

Wrestling with their own unspoken inferiority, they negatively judge you to make themselves feel superior. They attack your character in order to make your morals and principles appear flawed. Strategically, they base everything on emotion and not reality. It is this illogical thinking that makes their judgmental nature so difficult to understand. Ultimately, you are not really defending yourself, but fighting her deep rooted inferiority complex.

So how can we rationalize her counterclaim of your judgmental nature? The answer is based on how you assess a situation in your mind. Although we are all guilty of being emotional and judgmental at times, I would suggest that your best efforts to defend yourself are based on discernment. Discernment is defined as the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure. A discerning mind can detach from the situation and thereby look at the facts objectively and without emotional attachment. Decisions can be rendered without excuses, blaming, distorting the facts or the need to feel superior.

A discerning mind will conform its actions to the facts. A discerning individual will acknowledge that no person will agree with them all of the time. They can agree to disagree. They know that they are in control of their own decisions and outcomes. There is no need to control others. A difference of opinion is not actually judging someone as bad, but rather, assessing a situation and responding to it in a logical and non-contradictory way. However, since a high-conflict woman only knows judgment, she will perceive any defense or counter perspective from you as you trying to make her look inferior. This threatens her and triggers further conflict and rage. It becomes a vicious cycle

Ideally, a relationship would be one of mutually discerning minds. Discussions could be resolved based on the facts and not inconsistent, emotional judgments. Unfortunately, the high-conflict individual lacks such prerequisites as empathy and introspection in order to develop discernment. This results in a runaway judgmental mind that sees the world in black or white where everything is either all good or all bad (i.e., splitting).

Because emotions tend to be inconsistent by nature, judgments themselves become inconsistent over time. This accounts for her ability to hate you at bedtime, but love you in the morning as everything revolves around her labile emotional barometer. This lack of discernment, coupled with a perpetual judgmental mindset, sets the stage for her never-ending unhappiness and chronic lack of accountability. As a result, you constantly walk on perpetually shifting landmines and gradually become emotionally detached. She claims to be the one who has always fought for the marriage, but in reality, she has done everything to destroy it.

The long-term prognosis for any interpersonal development on her part is unlikely because she lacks the necessary mindset required to analyze and modify her behaviors. Any effort on your part to help her change this mindset will only incur more harsh, negative judgment directed at you. Your best option is to be discerning and evaluate the relationship yourself. Understanding and believing that you are not the critical and judgmental person should serve as a starting point. Ultimately, you need to decide whether to accept her as she is or to not participate in the relationship at all.

In the mean time, try to accept that her judging nature is not really about you, but rather a reflection of her insecurities and attempts to feel superior, even though it's very cold comfort.

This topic has been redirected once more to to When Someone in Your Life has CPTSD.

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=3645.0

PS: As this post appears to be primarily aimed at getting help for your boys and for support on your dealing with CPTSD-affected loved ones, I have moved it to the board that is specifically created for that. If you would prefer it to be at this Parenting (Children, Teens & Adult Children) board, when your primary question is on how you as a CPTSD-parent would like to have feedback on dealing with that, let me know and I'll move it back here.


Dutch Uncle.

[According to the study 40% of the parent-adult children relationships are "not harmonious", and half the siblings have "limited, bad or no contact at all" between them.]

Today I read a newspaper article on (health)care support for the elderly by family. Something the government here wants to promote, since healthcare-costs are skyrocketing with the aging population. (As it is in many countries)

This is going to be tough and difficult to achieve, according to researchers of the Netherlands Kinship Panel Study, which has surveyed 8000 people since 2002.

The snippet I want to post here I post as much for myself as for others who have strained relationships with FOO-members:
According to the study 40% of the parent-adult children relationships are "not harmonious", and half the siblings have "limited, bad or no contact at all" between them.

Every bit of validation helps.   

[OOTS forum, main page]

Hi all, I thought perhaps this may interest a few folks here.

There are two methods to post links to other sites and/or other threads from this site and/or specific posts even.

1) The easy way: copy the web-address from your browser-bar into your post. It will look like this: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php

2) This is a bit more complicated, but may add to the understanding and relevance of the link to your overall message:
- click the "insert Hyperlink" button (2nd row, 2nd button) in the 'post reply'-screen.
- This will insert this code in the 'box' [*url] [/url]*.
- In between the brackets " ] " and " [ " you can type (copy) the title of the web-article or thread-title or post title, or anything else you want.
- To make this actually link to the source, you need to type an "=" in the first part, like this: [*url= ] and then paste the web-adress directly after the "=" (and thus before the " ] " )  For example: [*url=http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php*]OOTS forum, main page[/url]
- The result will look like this: OOTS forum, main page

*) Asterisks are not really there, I used them to prevent the software from reading my text as actual URL/web-addresses.

NB: as you can see, Bolding, Italics and all other 'stuff' works inside the URL-code as well.

[is]

This site runs on "Simple Machines Forum" software. The official "User Manual for Members" can be found via this link
That is a bit of a 'walkthrough', so in addition to that here's a list of Questions that have been Frequently Asked on this particular forum.
Note: the SMF-user manual is available in languages other than English. If you are a non-native English speaker, you will probably be re-directed to a version that is native to you, and/or the native language of the country you are currently posting from.

Feel free to ask in this section of our board if something is not clear to you. We'll do our best to make this a safe and pleasant board for you to participate in.


How to Use the "Quote" Function and  Manual: How to use the "quote"-function?

Forgotten or Lost Password?

Personal Messages (PMs)  and  Checking Your Personal Messages

Abbreviations...  and  Acronymns?

[inside]

Note: where I have typed (quote) or (/quote) in this manual, you should read "[" and "]" instead of "(" and ")". Otherwise I would actually use the

quote-code

and things wouldn't make much sense in this manual.

There are a few methods to do this.

1) If you want to reply to a post and want to quote part of it in your post, you can choose "quote" as displayed at the top right hand of the post you want to reply from.
a) In the new forum-format this can be chosen from a 'pull-down' menu under "actions"
b) in the old format simply click "quote"

This will open a reply screen with the full original post displayed. You can then remove the parts you don't want to quote, and type whatever you want to add after the (/quote)-mark displayed, or add something before the (quote)-mark displayed at the beginning.

2) Alternatively, just hit "reply", and in the new screen, under the 'reply' box you'll see all previous posts displayed with a "insert quote" button at the top right corner of them. Clicking this will insert all content of that post in the 'reply-box'. Under what you may already have typed there, or at any other location your cursor is at that moment.
Remove all you don't want to use in between the "quote" marks.

3) Alternatively, select the piece of text you want to quote, and copy this (by whatever means you are used to copy texts). Then click the "Insert quote" icon in the 'reply-screen' (second row, thirteenth icon, just right of the #button. The one with the little rectangular 'text-balloon' on it) which will 'print' (quote) (/quote) in your message. If you now 'paste' the selected text will be insert between the two marks.
Any additional text can be inserted there as well.
3b) any text that is selected inside the 'reply-box' at the time of clicking the "quote" icon will be quoted, i.e. get (quote) before it and (/quote) behind it. Same process, just the order is reversed.

4) manually type (quote) and (/quote) before and after relevant text to get the "quote" function to work.
This may be the simplest solution if you want to reply to multiple things said in a post you are replying too, but want to reply to each thing separately. Type (/quote) after the first bit, type your reply.
Then type (quote), scroll through the part where you want to end the quote, type (/quote) and repeat the process. Once you reach the end of the message, a (/quote) will already be there.


If this still is all gibberish to you, don't hesitate to post here, and I'll try to make it clearer.

Dutch Uncle, Technical adviser