Messages

@radical
As I've said in many posts in the "Welcome to OOTS" thread: the guidelines are here to keep this a safe place for all members.

When the guidelines are not enforced, this is an unsafe place.

Last year there has been an elaborate discussion on swearing, and the rules as they stand have been drawn up, by the administration, as a result. I know there are plenty of folks here who wouldn't mind swearing all day long. Others are apparently very sensitive to it. I've had posts of mine moderated for language I even didn't know was offensive. And I still don't understand how people can find it offensive. But it was deemed it was, and thus I refrain from such language.
Or I could have left. But I didn't.

I don't want to scare anyone away, not as a member, and also not as a moderator. I know from personal experience how hard it can be to get moderated. And it's no fun to have to 'dish out'. But if the guidelines are to have any substance, then moderation is needed at times. When the guidelines are violated.

But that's not my business anymore. In any shape or form.

It certainly was never my intent for anyone to be singled out, punished, or for you to feel you have to resign over this issue, Dutch Uncle.

One thing is certain, you were not the single one who beat up on me. Half the site ganged up on me. Including my fellow moderators.

My challenges to the rules were made in that thread, no need to rehash here. But allow me to reiterate that they have nothing to do with you personally. [...] I even read through the original thread on swears and you and I were of fairly similar minds (your posts were from 2015, though).

I can assure you my moderation has never been 'personal'. I'm of the opinion I (as moderator) should uphold the guidelines as they are. Not to uphold them as I personally think they should be. If it had been up to the member Dutch Uncle I would have shrugged it off. You can rest assured I, as a private person, still stand behind everything I said in 2015. But becoming a moderator doesn't mean that suddenly my private views become the site's standard. IMHO.

Typing any form of a swear word is not acceptable "f***" or  "f**k" for example. The filter will pick up most full swear words and replace them with an "*" but it will not pick up  "f***" or  "f**k" so these are what may slip by (or swear words that are not in the filter).

I was so stupid to think a**, b***h and d**k would fall into the same category. 

I hope you'll feel better about this soon, whatever shape your future participation takes.

I think my time here is done pretty soon. It's open hunting season on me now. I've experienced this before. It's already been said I "do not seem remotely concerned with the effects these decisions of yours have had on many of us, possibly including causing people to leave the boards." I was so stupid to think moderating by the guidelines would actually keep people at the boards, in particular those who are offended by swearing and count on the 'staff' to uphold the rules. That the site and community they signed up to actually would be as presented as in the guidelines.
I was wrong.
It's now being suggested that "maybe we all need to grow thicker skins, and stop focusing on everything that offends us". I'm baffled by the sudden turn-around on 'offensive language'. I would have appreciated it if I had been given the memo before I started moderating.

Oh well. I wish everybody happy swearing!

It doesn't matter if you feel it or not, DU.

LOL.

Love doesn't come in the either form you or Three Roses present it to me.

[written before MFTB's post][..]
2. No one actually questioned moderation decisions. No one actually questioned the warning that sanmagic got (aside from her understandable concern that she might have been singled out).

Soooo... are we going to address the issue of heavy-handed moderating and ensure that this doesn't happen again?

Yeah, I'd like to know too which one of the two is actually the issue here.

I guess it's a two-way street. I know where I stand. Can't really say 'the other side' are 'wrong' though. "To each their own.", no?

I just liked to share a pic of today's time's. Mindfulness and all that.

No retribution, only love to you my friend.

I've hardly ever seen such a disingenuous statement in my life. I've hardly been invalidated as much is this. You are sending me love? This is love I can do without. Since it isn't love, not in the slightest.

[Has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval. Note: Do not include realistic fears of retribution.]

Official results of my SCID-II regarding

Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD) is listed in the DSM-IV-TR as a "Cluster C" (anxious or fearful) Personality Disorder. It is defined as:

A pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of that leads to submissive and clinging behavior and fears of separation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

- Has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others
- Needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life
- Has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval. Note: Do not include realistic fears of retribution.
- Has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on his or her own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy)
- Goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant
- Feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for himself or herself
- Urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends
- Is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of himself or herself

A formal diagnosis of DPD requires a mental health professional to identify 5 of the above 8 criteria as positive. Some people exhibit all 8. Most exhibit only a few.

I wish I never took up moderation. Volunteering for that at least fits the psychological assessment made. In a sense that's a relief. (relieve? I can't be arsed to look it up) (well, at least that passed the swear-filter inhibited . No guarantee it will give me a pass though! I should not be surprised retribution will still be coming my way. Oh well, I've had plenty of that. And I still live.)

I'm content with this being a personal recovery journal.

I suppose my goal is unofficially to become healthy enough that I don't need to be here.

I so relate. I'd leave here rather today than tomorrow.

For years I couldn't watch romcoms because I hated them so much.

Fairy tales. That's what these romcoms are. "They lived happily ever after". Right. But is it ever explained just HOW they do that? No. Of course not. Since it firstly takes an effort, and secondly during the effort one usually is not particularly 'happy'.

It sucks to realize that I might want kids, but only with the right partner.

"With whom else?", I'd ask. The only reason I don't have kids is that "I never ran into the right partner" (that sounds rather passive) and when I did, I was too scared and/or confused to actually commit. Commit in the sense off: "Yeah! This is good enough!" Nobody ever told me "good enough" is possibly all that it might take.
Then again, my parents divorced after 40 years of a marriage of perpetual conflict. Not a good environment  to raise children. I can attest to that. How to do better? I haven't got a clue. I think I was mostly weary to end up in a similar situation, than looking for what I was 'missing' in that relationship, and simultaneously being happy I was missing it.
But being happy never seemed to be a part of having a relationship, as my parents mirrored to me.

This post brought to you by buckets of tears.

And thanks for sharing.
I hope my reply wasn't too depressing.

I stand corrected.

[Thread locked for multiple breaches of the Guidelines for All Members and Guests]

Thread locked for multiple breaches of the Guidelines for All Members and Guests

• Please know that posts will be edited or removed which include:
     •   any discussion of moderating decisions (these are to be taken up by PM with the Moderating Team or Site manager);
• continuous swearing

Let it be clear that the guideline on swearing:

Refrain from offensive language. Swearing is not permitted at OOTS because many of our members were traumatized by abuse which involved aggressive, threatening and/or demeaning language.  Please be considerate and use a symbol mash (e.g., %^&$) instead. A filter has been added to replace offensive words with an *.

does include attempts to circumvent/by pass the swear-filter by substituting some letters with asterisks yourself, or as has been mentioned in this thread by typing swearwords with alternative characters like in h@ppy. If you feel the need to get creative with spelling in order to avoid swearing and or the auto-censor, you are likely to be still swearing. Similarly if you make a post and see a word has been auto-censored by the swear-filter, and it has been substituted by a single asterisk, it's best to edit the word out yourself and/or replace it with a less offensive term.

Thank you.

It's hard to feel safe around her, as was proven again two days ago. The fact I actually got overtly aggressive (kicking the 'gift'-bag and pushing her out) does and did show to me how unsafe I was. Not only felt, but actually was. Also the fact she stayed until I actually finished the call with the police shows how big her lack of boundaries is. While I was on the phone she actually debated she had not used a chat trick as she had actually went to the toilet. As if that matters! What matters is she didn't leave, as I had put as a condition to use the toilet in the first place. I will make sure that gets in the report I'm filing: She wasn't allowed in in the first place, after which she pulled the chat trick of needing to pee urgently. (I know she has a 'weak bladder' from having given childbirth, a condition not uncommon,)
I bet she would have loved to wrest my phone from her hands and start an argument with the officer on the other side of the line! Good thing I was literally holding the high ground, sitting on top of the stairs. 

I know that in/with my FOO I will never be safe. Too many narcs and enablers.
I hope law-enforcement will be able to help me out to some degree. But an element of risk will always be there. Physically only my sister is a real threat (as she is a martial arts trainer), but she has not been physically abusive to me since I was a child, and then it was only very sparse (she took it out on bro). It was my bro who was the culprit there and then for me, in combination with dad.
In a sense I hope this story will 'leak', as then also DramaSis knows she can't pull the same stunt as DramaMama did.

Having recovered somewhat from the invasion of my privacy by DramaMama (whom I'm tempted to call TerrorMom from now on) I'm today reminded of what my Psychologist said to me when I turned to her for a possible Anxiety Disorder: "Fear is not by definition irrational, Mr. Uncle. There are many instances where fear is very rational." (and thus healthy, I add myself)

My fear of DramaMama entering my house has been proven very adequate, as in: predictive. I knew what was going to happen, and she did not fail to proof without any doubt the her entering my home was to wreak havoc. It's only her chat trick that did me in.
I forgive myself for that. I was just being decent. That subsequently law-enforcement had to be called in is none of my doing. She is to be held accountable for that.

And it proves the Psychologist right too: I do not have an anxiety disorder. My anxiety is very much in order. 

Perhaps I should throw a party in honor of my anxiety. Such a worthwhile trait and tool to stay safe!
It's just a thought. Such happiness is not in me right now. But who knows... some day.

[braingurl]

Hi braingurl  and welcome 

Quite a history you have had, and how hard it is to be confronted again with it through your current relationship. 
Congrats on having a therapist you trust and who has put you on the path to explore cPTSD, which appears to be a 'fit' for you.
I hope, wish and trust this site and community will be of aid to you in your recovery process, and you may discover which elements of cPTSD fit your personal experience. Having a therapist with an understanding of cPTSD will probably be of great help too.

Where we, people with CPTSD, actively seek out partners that are exactly like the people that caused our CPTSD in the first place. Sounds perverse, but apparently there is some deep seeded need to get closure on this so we seek out someone that exhibits the same characteristics (I.e emotionally abuses us) so that we can "fix" them.....to totally heal. In fact, some , namely Harville Hendrix (not sure if he is a psychologist or psychotherapist or what?) suggest that our unconscious soul will only accept complete healing within ourselves by being with someone who is similar to the person who originally hurt us. In other words, we will never find happiness in a romantic relationship until we can be with someone like our original abuser, go through the turmoil again, but, with the help of the abuser, heal. At this point, for me, this seems impossible. I don't know if the man I am with would admit that he is emotionally abusive and be willing and prepared to seek the help to help me? Seems insurmountable.

As far as I have understood during my years long (ongoing) recovery process, is that the jury is still out on this. Certain 'schools' of therapists/psychologists hold the view Harville Hendrix seems to be part of, while others advocate something that's rather the opposite. I'm far from an expert on this.
By and large many people here have found Pete Walker's approach (http://www.pete-walker.com) valuable. His concepts of the Abandonment Depression and re-parenting oneself hint IMHO to an opposite approach: In case we do seek out a partner who is similar to our original abusers (out of 'familiarity' with the 'type') this partner cannot help us heal, just as our abusers could not.
It's an Inner Job, and a very personal one, specifically 'tailored' to our needs that were neglected or otherwise abused by our original abusers.

There are quite some threads on these subjects, so feel free to look around.
NB: OOTS does not adhere to any 'school', so please feel free to share your thoughts, experiences, opinions and/or validation you find in Harville Hendrix's or other's writings or talks. Our recovery processes are to a large degree an 'exploration' of many avenues. We are a diverse community, each on our own individual path, with our individual pasts, presents and futures.

Welcome again,

Dutch Uncle.

PS: please check out our Guidelines for All Members and Guests that are here to keep this a safe place for you and all other members.

[He won't be able to control his need for letting her know how much leeway her leash gives her.]

Dutch, i was wondering if you'd mind explaining this?

let him give the iPhone to NewConquest, which he probably will do while letting her know it was actually meant for you.
He won't be able to control his need for letting her know how much leeway her leash gives her.But that is their mutual problem, not yours.

I had to learn this too. Here's an article about what I hint at:
http://esteemology.com/the-three-phases-of-a-narcissistic-relationship-cycle-over-evaluation-devaluation-discard/
There are many more about the phases of a narc-relationship, and/or what happens after a break-up. F.e.: When Narcissists Move Onto New Supply, The Illusion Isn't Real
Mind you, if he is a narc (and it sure does sound like it to me), his new conquest (your former friend) will get the same treatment as you.
This is not about you, or her, but all about him.

Im scared that if i don't accept the phone and he has it anyway, that ill have to have a conversation with him about it...and that he might spread rumours about how ungrateful i am etc.
and what if he gets his new girlfriend involved and she says to me that he was only trying to help blah blah blah...
(she said the other day i can have her iPhone 6 when she's done with it)

He will. If he is a narc, he will have already started doing this. It's hard to accept. I find it hard to accept with the narcs in my life. But I've come to know it's all true, and it will never stop. NC is the only way. And whoever will buy his manipulative gossip... Try to shrug it off, they are 'being had' by a 'smooth operator'.
Even though it's hard to blame them, ignore them. They'll either come around some day, or they don't. There's nothing you can do either way.

Don't take her (this former friend's/his new conquest/supply) iPhone either, I'd say.