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Topics - Laura90

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Poetry & Creative Writing / Leaving
« on: December 16, 2018, 08:30:03 PM »
Freeze framing a thousand shots
I'm sucked back behind these lenses
I've decided I'm not being what I'm not
Get me back, please, stir my senses.

Why can't these eyes get dewy,
Dried ice is this torturous lack,
Glazed over with fears' freeze only
Get the deicer and stem a crack.

Oh how you and I have been mistaken,
Toughness doesn't equal okayness,
But I know this only when I'm breaking,
So I'm asking, melt this iced up mess.


So I've had particularly rough couple of weeks. But I have reflected, pushed and tried different things to see what helps with my the emotions, depression, dissociation. And I felt a real great driving force of knowing my self and what I want to do.

I signed up to a personal trainer which starts tomorrow because exercise is the only thing which helps me get back in my body and helps my mood. And I thought having structure and schedule would help with poor motivation. I thought about going to uni again too, my last two attempts I got ill and ended up in psychiatric hospital.

At the weekend it felt different, I felt stronger. At a place to do these things again.

But now coming away from a psychotherapy appointment I feel crippled by self doubt. Thinking to myself; get real Laura, there will be so many triggers. Too much overload for the brain. You're kidding yourself and not accepting your limitations.

I feel like I want to cancel the PT ing even though I've paid upfront. I don't know who I am sitting writing this or what my motives are for the stuff I do. I feel so awfully broken and lost eight now.

I don't know what part of me to trust. My determination, my doubt, my tears, my history and heightened trigger responses.

Who am I?

What do you guys do when you're in such an emotional crossroads?

Recovery Journals / Discovering what heals, discovering Laura
« on: September 16, 2018, 07:10:36 AM »
I have been using journals to hand write in for many years now, but I suddenly thought this morning, that there is still some sort of shame and secrecy in that. I guess I do sometimes read bits out in therapy sessions but mainly because I worry I'll forget what I really wanted to say once I'm in the room.

But shame is the huge non recovering factor with me. I hide so much. My problems with eating and bulimia oh gosh... I am so shamefully ashamed.

I always thought the main factor to purging was just to relieve uncomfortable feelings in my tummy, and to make room for more bingeing.

But no, now I know I have to stop and learn to sit with, tolerate the feelings of shame. The bullying I received from my F in my body size and the way I ate as a child means I am sooo scared of putting on weight.

I also want and need to be brave enough to sit with those fears in a more healing, compassionate way. If I do put on weight and get fat, I'm still Laura.

Oh gosh this feels so simple yet such a breakthrough!  :chestbump:

After all these long many years.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Know I'm frightened
« on: July 15, 2018, 11:14:13 AM »
May I write on here what just happened?

I know im really scared right now but feel spacy and dizzy and curtains in room feel like they are swirling.

I split up from my ex a week ago because despite him being a nice guy, it wasn't working for me because he was also emotionally broken and I felt i was giving and not receiving in the relationship and there was little spark anymore. We've had little contact. I've texted him to see if he's been ok but left it at that to give him space if he wants it.

Anyway I was just dozing in my food stained PJs from my days of bingeing and purging and I heard a motorbike engine. (He rides a scooter). I then hear my knocker go. And then again. But that's not how normally he used to knock when he'd popped over invited of course. I run to look through my curtains but don't catch a glimpse of who it was.

It was the way my knocker went, in an aggressive sounding 1 knock noise. It happened yesterday and i heard neighbours getting in their car saying "i dont think shes in" but I assumed it was just perhaps a fundraiser walking by people's homes money raising down along the street I live on
 (I never normally get anyone knocking at my home)
Now I'm freaked out. I've been the one to check how he is to hear no reply and now if it was him he's suddenly come by my home with no notice when he knows I have cptsd. I can understand he's angry but... Now I'm petrified. Locked all the doors shut windows and dont want to leave my front door at all today.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / I'm letting go
« on: July 12, 2018, 04:51:21 PM »
Yesterday was awful. I lost it in my therapy appointment. This raging monster comes forth from within me, it feels like the psychopath that I am becomes so enraged it breaks down my usual quiet, laid back, shy self and I become a lunatic. Throwing stuff across the room, banging head against wall, swearing and yelling so loudly.

I felt so ashamed when she said we need to think of the other people in the building.

And today has been a day in bed, crying, bawling. So much grief. The past few months I've been distracting, busying myself with  those supposed 'useful recovery activities' but looking back I wasn't allowing myself to grieve. I was forcing myself to do them because feel like I have to show people I really am working hard at my recovery. I feel like I'm in this position of laying out my hands and giving all control up. Accepting my flaws and imperfections and the grief and sorrow that goes with being me, and my past.

I've found an overeaters anonymous group local to me which I am going to try really hard to make.

I'm going to try really hard to let go, not let the worry of what I come across as, or how people view me, or what they think of me, but focus on healing. And not let those 'shoulds' dictate my days and hours.

I'm just so scared because I say all of this but come 2 days time I'll prob be in that dissociated one foot in front of the other, 'oh I feel fine ' sort of state. Sorry for this. I just wanted to write this down.

The Cafe / Favourite self care film?
« on: June 27, 2018, 08:40:40 PM »
So today I bought Mrs Doubtfire on DVD because that has always been my favourite film and find it so soothing when my inner child is strong.

I love Robin Williams. So sad he's not here in the world anymore. He had an awful time too.

Anyway, question is;

What is your favourite film(s) for self soothing?

Laura   :)

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Sapped of energy
« on: June 26, 2018, 03:30:25 PM »
I have tried so many different self soothing activities today and I'm tired from even doing that.

I woke up shouting from a nightmare last night so I took a nap this afternoon. Fell asleep for 2 hours but it was a very light sleep as was aware of all the traffic passing by my windows.

Does anyone struggle in hot weather with what to wear?
I'm in the UK and the summer here is lovely, but I only feel ok ish wearing long sleeved clothes and trousers. So I bake in the summer. I've been trying to get out early in the mornings or evenings but it doesn't feel any cooler.

This makes it harder to get out because I start sweating so quickly and then I feel all exposed and vulnerable.

So it's harder to leave the house at the moment and sometimes spending too much time in my cosy home I can feel strained / trapped.

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / How to create safe space imagery
« on: June 19, 2018, 10:14:37 AM »
Hi there

I know that safe place imagery is meant to be really soothing and compassionate when I'm bombarded and overwhelmed with fear, my inner critic, the idea I need to be be perfect to be safe etc or other heightened  stimuli.

But I have trouble forming one in my mind.

Sort of I don't really know where my ideal place would be, or what my ideal sounds or animals or landscape would be, because I feel so detached from any identity or awareness or who I am and what I like (if that makes sense).

Does anyone have any ideas to help with this?
Thank you!! :thumbup:


I've been noticing I've been more vulnerable to feelings, EFs recently after what has been a more stable patch and today has just felt so difficult.

I'm so fed up with the non linear motion of my life. It would feel more bearable if there were ups and downs but still a steady forward path forwards.

But I feel I get somewhere with myself, what I do or thinking that I've discovered interests, passions and therefore 'me', for it all to come to a crash of bingeing and purging, retreating, because I can't cope and then realise actually... do I want to be doing any of this? Then I'm faced with the question... Well who am I?
(The sick disgusting pathetic weak child)

I also feel rubbish because my new bf never meets my emotional needs and we've recently been sexually intimate and blah that's throwing up all stuff too but more through nightmares and just feeling very wobbly because my normal way of putting on a straight face and walking out the front door in the mornings feels scary and overwhelming. And I'm worried I'm going to crack.

And deep down I don't want to crack massively again, because I don't want to screw anyone else up around me again that knows me. Like a couple of closer friends and remaining family members.

Thank you so much in advance to anyone taking the time out to read this.

Introductory Post / So grateful I've found this
« on: May 26, 2018, 08:08:55 AM »

I'm new here. I am so so grateful I have come across this community. So first, thank you.

I think I'm becoming to realise that the utter pain and terror of C trauma is magnified by not feeling anyone in my life; some professionals, family, friends understand the crippling life, trauma will bring at times.

I hope these forums and people here help me cope with my distress better. I'm pretty sure they will.

Thanks again.

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