Messages

Is it okay if I sit amongst you but have my headphones and music on?
I'm going to sit on the floor on a big dog bed with rugs and blankets over me.

To sit, listen, feel safe and pleasant with the company of other people who I know understand. And look out. Look out on nature and on hope.

HallieChristine,

I also get burning skin sensations and in my eyes. I had it earlier this morning. I know at this point I have to ground. Took me 3 hours but eventually after singing along to a powerful piece of music I felt emotion be allowed to exist.

And now, my skin doesn't feel as hot.

Oh my, that is so so profound and simple and as radical said; beautiful.

I'm so motivated by your courage to fully open yourself to the powerful and painful grief and welcome it as a friend.

I'm already thinking what a friend means to me:
      Supportive
      Loving
      By your side
      Rooting for you
      Tells you the real perspective

And gosh, yes, so so amazed and happy for you woodsgnome that you are seeing your pain and sadness as those things.

Hugs and cheers to you

[lost]

Today I am feeling lost in my grief and perseverance.

They always seem to sabotage the healing part to each one because the dissociation stops me from doing the two at the same time.

I'm feeling like giving up.

My poodle Merlin licks my tears and soothes me. I have professional support. I have 6 hours a week to work that is slowly building my self belief and responsibility.

Welcome ColorfulGirl   

Hopefully your confidence will come with using this site.

And reaching out for support can feel very uncomfortable at times when we've been conditioned to feel we musnt or are not worthy to. But this is a compassionate community and I hope it helps you.

"Recovery is my best revenge" by Carolyn Spring.

I found this book simply amazing. She shares her traumatic childhood and the impacts it forever has in a empowering, hope beaming, motivational way. I think of her as a friend and open up the book when my dissociation and c trauma symptoms are bad.

Hope this can bring you comfort and hope too plantsandworms. 

 
I really can empathise with your blog entry so much Gromit. I'm so sorry you have to deal with the repercussions of your emotions and self never being number 1.

Your blog though has really clearly explained it and what it's like when you're emotionally abandoned through upbringing and the damage that does to you as a person trying to lead a life.

I'm going to sit over here this eve and brought my dog Merlin. He's ever so friendly and never barks. I've brought some cushions, we'll sit on the floor together him half curled on my lap and just hear the sound of the rain pitter patter on the porch and seeing it drip onto the wooden steps.

So proud of you Blueberry! 

1. I went to the doctors on my own
2. I managed to recognise pain / irritation inside of me at being overlooked and bypassed
3. I went to OA group this week when I did have slight justifying thoughts to not bother this week

Your post BeHea1thy reminds me to take my camera out with me more.

This morning I saw an adult and baby muntjack deer when taking my dog out.

There were lots of butterflies fluttering and twirling amongst the purple thistles around a sheep field too.

I love morning and evenings when you can feel the warm breeze, hear the leaves rustling against each other, and feel the calm safeness of nature sort of saying "welcome, there are no humans about here but this is our wilderness in which you have always belonged, please, bring a blanket and pick some blackberries if you would like"

Pop my head around the corner of the porch that navigates round.


So lovely to see you all and I can feel the safeness with you all.

I've put my suncream on. I'm pale and blonde and burn like a lobster!

May I take a seat on the steps down from the porch and read with the early sun on me? I have brought fresh lime and lemon if anyone wants some in their water or lemonade.

Hi Knowunknown 

Great to have you here. The forum for me has become that wonderful collection of people that I know understand in such a compassionate way - that understanding through experience as you also put it, as well as knowledge.
I really hope you find kindness, reassurance of 'I know, it's Ok, even when we know the unfairness of this life is not ok' and people to 'sit with' when c trauma really zaps us and seems to work against us even when we try so flipping hard to recover.

Anyway I'm going on now...!  sorry!

Welcome and we're here.
Laura

[not]

Oh Lyricalliv,

My heart reaches across to you, it really does.

The anger and rage I totally understand how it leaves us. I suffer from it badly and end up having blow ups too, especially in front of my therapist.

I think the worst part of it is that what often that horrible yuckiness will leave us with, is a sense that 'we' are the abuser, 'we' are the evil one, it's inside of us, it's us that is the lunatic.

These thoughts and awful identity we then experience is the fear that the above could be true, because it feels so consuming. So then we do all we can to shut it away, do all in our power to suppress this experience we can't explain, and bottom line; wish wasn't there.

And that can make daily existence exhausting, scary, unreal and leave us deppressed.

I would like to say that this is all completely normal for complex trauma survivors. We are the traumatised, never the traumatisers. Scary emotions often were never soothed or explained in our early development, so when we experience a yucky scary overwhelming experience within us, we put a label on our selves that somehing bad lives within us, when in fact, it is a perfectly normal human emotion everyone has on this planet.

The rage outbursts might come out for a time while you're working through your trauma. My therapist yesterday gave me a h/w of simply noticing when things feel alien within side of yourself. Alien as in a yucky, daunting, scary identity within you that you can't put a finger on, but you know you're experiencing it in that moment. If you can, try skills to not suppress it, but rather just notice, and tell yourself,

"it's ok, the fact that this feels so alien is evidence that this is not an identity of me, but a symptom of my traumatised experiences".

Massive strength you have for writing about this here Lyricalliv.

Massive hope and compassion flowing your way from me,
Laura