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Messages - Laura90

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The Cafe / Re: Nature Heals
« on: July 19, 2018, 07:27:28 PM »
Your post BeHea1thy reminds me to take my camera out with me more.

This morning I saw an adult and baby muntjack deer when taking my dog out.

There were lots of butterflies fluttering and twirling amongst the purple thistles around a sheep field too.

I love morning and evenings when you can feel the warm breeze, hear the leaves rustling against each other, and feel the calm safeness of nature sort of saying "welcome, there are no humans about here but this is our wilderness in which you have always belonged, please, bring a blanket and pick some blackberries if you would like"

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Know I'm frightened
« on: July 19, 2018, 06:18:36 PM »
Better thanks Blueberry  :thumbup:

Panic has settled and I'm more annoyed with him more than anything now which I guess is a healthy feeling to have

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Know I'm frightened
« on: July 19, 2018, 07:48:43 AM »
Thank you Blueberry and Sanmagic for sitting with me the other day. Very kind of you both.  :)

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Know I'm frightened
« on: July 15, 2018, 11:14:13 AM »
May I write on here what just happened?

I know im really scared right now but feel spacy and dizzy and curtains in room feel like they are swirling.

I split up from my ex a week ago because despite him being a nice guy, it wasn't working for me because he was also emotionally broken and I felt i was giving and not receiving in the relationship and there was little spark anymore. We've had little contact. I've texted him to see if he's been ok but left it at that to give him space if he wants it.

Anyway I was just dozing in my food stained PJs from my days of bingeing and purging and I heard a motorbike engine. (He rides a scooter). I then hear my knocker go. And then again. But that's not how normally he used to knock when he'd popped over invited of course. I run to look through my curtains but don't catch a glimpse of who it was.

It was the way my knocker went, in an aggressive sounding 1 knock noise. It happened yesterday and i heard neighbours getting in their car saying "i dont think shes in" but I assumed it was just perhaps a fundraiser walking by people's homes money raising down along the street I live on
 (I never normally get anyone knocking at my home)
Now I'm freaked out. I've been the one to check how he is to hear no reply and now if it was him he's suddenly come by my home with no notice when he knows I have cptsd. I can understand he's angry but... Now I'm petrified. Locked all the doors shut windows and dont want to leave my front door at all today.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Keeping going
« on: July 14, 2018, 08:42:27 PM »
I'm really feeling for you Blueberry

I love what Snookiebookie wrote;
Bad times become good times.


I know it doesn't offer much consolation to the pain of going through those paralyzing energy zapping phases but I truly hope the knowing  it will pass, and pass into a better and freeing phase can help somewhat, even just a bit.

We're all rooting for you.

Other / Re: The Healing Porch - Part 3
« on: July 14, 2018, 09:45:20 AM »
Pop my head around the corner of the porch that navigates round.

So lovely to see you all and I can feel the safeness with you all.

I've put my suncream on. I'm pale and blonde and burn like a lobster!

May I take a seat on the steps down from the porch and read with the early sun on me? I have brought fresh lime and lemon if anyone wants some in their water or lemonade.

Hi Knowunknown  :heythere:

Great to have you here. The forum for me has become that wonderful collection of people that I know understand in such a compassionate way - that understanding through experience as you also put it, as well as knowledge.
I really hope you find kindness, reassurance of 'I know, it's Ok, even when we know the unfairness of this life is not ok' and people to 'sit with' when c trauma really zaps us and seems to work against us even when we try so flipping hard to recover.

Anyway I'm going on now...!  :blink: sorry!

Welcome and we're here.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / I'm letting go
« on: July 12, 2018, 04:51:21 PM »
Yesterday was awful. I lost it in my therapy appointment. This raging monster comes forth from within me, it feels like the psychopath that I am becomes so enraged it breaks down my usual quiet, laid back, shy self and I become a lunatic. Throwing stuff across the room, banging head against wall, swearing and yelling so loudly.

I felt so ashamed when she said we need to think of the other people in the building.

And today has been a day in bed, crying, bawling. So much grief. The past few months I've been distracting, busying myself with  those supposed 'useful recovery activities' but looking back I wasn't allowing myself to grieve. I was forcing myself to do them because feel like I have to show people I really am working hard at my recovery. I feel like I'm in this position of laying out my hands and giving all control up. Accepting my flaws and imperfections and the grief and sorrow that goes with being me, and my past.

I've found an overeaters anonymous group local to me which I am going to try really hard to make.

I'm going to try really hard to let go, not let the worry of what I come across as, or how people view me, or what they think of me, but focus on healing. And not let those 'shoulds' dictate my days and hours.

I'm just so scared because I say all of this but come 2 days time I'll prob be in that dissociated one foot in front of the other, 'oh I feel fine ' sort of state. Sorry for this. I just wanted to write this down.

General Discussion / Re: When do things get easier
« on: July 12, 2018, 07:26:46 AM »
Oh Lyricalliv,

My heart reaches across to you, it really does. :bighug:

The anger and rage I totally understand how it leaves us. I suffer from it badly and end up having blow ups too, especially in front of my therapist.

I think the worst part of it is that what often that horrible yuckiness will leave us with, is a sense that 'we' are the abuser, 'we' are the evil one, it's inside of us, it's us that is the lunatic.

These thoughts and awful identity we then experience is the fear that the above could be true, because it feels so consuming. So then we do all we can to shut it away, do all in our power to suppress this experience we can't explain, and bottom line; wish wasn't there.

And that can make daily existence exhausting, scary, unreal and leave us deppressed.

I would like to say that this is all completely normal for complex trauma survivors. We are the traumatised, never the traumatisers. Scary emotions often were never soothed or explained in our early development, so when we experience a yucky scary overwhelming experience within us, we put a label on our selves that somehing bad lives within us, when in fact, it is a perfectly normal human emotion everyone has on this planet.

The rage outbursts might come out for a time while you're working through your trauma. My therapist yesterday gave me a h/w of simply noticing when things feel alien within side of yourself. Alien as in a yucky, daunting, scary identity within you that you can't put a finger on, but you know you're experiencing it in that moment. If you can, try skills to not suppress it, but rather just notice, and tell yourself,

"it's ok, the fact that this feels so alien is evidence that this is not an identity of me, but a symptom of my traumatised experiences".

Massive strength you have for writing about this here Lyricalliv.

Massive hope and compassion flowing your way from me, :heythere:

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Three Good Things Today - Part 3
« on: July 06, 2018, 08:42:53 PM »
1) I cycled this morning for 10 mins and it felt really grounding
2) I drove a bit more
3) I was able to work out my feelings about something

The Cafe / Re: Favourite self care film?
« on: July 06, 2018, 08:40:18 PM »
I do love to binge watch  Big Bang Theory. Love how they're all insecure in their own individual quirky ways, yet still are all close friends! Helps me to not think I'm the only weirdo geek out there either!   :whistling:

Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Re: Struggling *Trigger*
« on: July 06, 2018, 08:30:12 PM »
Hi Cyd  :heythere:
I'm sorry you felt so distressed and overwhelmed you hurt yourself.

I hope you've taken care of your leg ok.

It can feel such a scary, lonely place can't it, when we get to that zone in ourselves where the utter pain and confusion is torn out of us in harming our own self.

I really empathise with you.  :hug:

Are there any other ways it can 'come out' as so to speak? I often think the underlying emotion behind EFs as well as the scariness of them, is the injustice of having to live with so much un asked for pain.

Writing out my anger or grief at the injustice of it I can find helpful.

Crying uncontrollably can sometimes be quite clearing and refreshing.
Would these be worth a try?

I really hope you can get though this.


The Cafe / Re: Favourite self care film?
« on: July 04, 2018, 06:53:46 PM »
I'm liking everyone's reasons to their choices.

Ahhhh yes I love The Terminal too BeHea1thy.  :thumbup: I might even watch it later.  ;D

Laura  :grouphug:

The Cafe / Favourite self care film?
« on: June 27, 2018, 08:40:40 PM »
So today I bought Mrs Doubtfire on DVD because that has always been my favourite film and find it so soothing when my inner child is strong.

I love Robin Williams. So sad he's not here in the world anymore. He had an awful time too.

Anyway, question is;

What is your favourite film(s) for self soothing?

Laura   :)

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Sapped of energy
« on: June 27, 2018, 09:01:34 AM »
Thank you all for your replies. Yes I think choosing clothes that we like and feel comfortable in is the most important. Who cares about what the latest models down the catwalk are wearing?!!

I might get some linen trousers. Thanks for that idea Sceal. I forgot about linen.

And fans are a really good idea. I don't  open my windows because neighbours around me are triggering.

I can relate to your words Libby. I like cooler months because I feel I can hide away under a thick coat.

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