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Messages - LittleBoat

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Family of Origin (FOO) / Re: Tentatively reconnecting with sibling
« on: May 19, 2018, 11:16:35 AM »
Blues Cruise, your posts make me think "buyer beware."  My suspicion, hunch, paranoia (?) is that the abusive parent will figure out a way to close in on the foo members who weren't as damaged as you were.  They'll figure out a way to use them as a conduit to either hoover you back in or punish you for trying to re-frame the family narrative.  Blues Cruise, you went  into this meeting with brother in good faith, and that was brave and commendable.  But how quickly your father inserted himself into a possibly renewed sibling connection in such a way as to hurt you and re-enmesh your brother.  The only thing I've learned, in my own situation with family members, is the abusive parent will always search and find a way to hurt you, through them.  I wish this wasn't so.  Take good care, LittleBoat

General Discussion / Re: worsens with age?
« on: May 18, 2018, 08:41:15 PM »
Hi Saylor,

I am 57, and I can say that, for me, this seems to be true.  My Fifties have been challenging.  I am more easily "felled" than I was in decades past.  More fragile.  More in need of medical/therapeutic intervention.  I was quite accomplished when younger.  Had a full and varied career.  Earned a Ph.D.  Travelled.  Entered into a successful marriage.  I was happy, popular and magnetic.  But my MOTHER (all caps) was always emotionally abusive, and I did have flashbacks to childhood trauma, even in my younger, more confident years.  By my Fifties, it was as if my psyche was disintegrating.  Severe suicidal ideation, symptoms of C-PTSD coming in, stronger, prolonged flashbacks, the need for hospitalizations and more meds.  I was no longer able to work at a job I loved, nor was I able to do things I had previously done with ease.  I had a good run, given the severe childhood abuse, and I'm proud of my earlier accomplishments (not easy to do with an Inner Critic, which made my forward movement and achievement feel like a salmon pressing its way upstream).  But things started to go wrong in my 50s, with my FOO, with my physical health, with social timidness, and now I think I have just run out of youthful resilience.  This feels bleak, to me.  But I do think about this.  Thank you for bringing it up.  It gives me food for thought. 

I have been NC with my PDM for at least a year, maybe two.  I said Merry Christmas on phone.  Other than that, nothing.  I was her SG.  My older siblings are oblivious to my memories, in deep denial, yet I suspect my older sister knows something was up, based on things she's said and done.  Otherwise, the denial from my sister and brother crushes me.  I have had to scale back my contact with them, almost to nothing in order to avoid triggering.  But they don't reach out much at all, anyway.  However, my sister has left two phone calls and a text over the last week (occurring near Mothers Day).  She is in late-stage renal cancer, so it is sad that we are not in better contact.  But I so fear that my mother is using her as a conduit to get at me.  I fear my mother is also using my elderly aunt, who is fully aware of the abuse, as she suffered it herself, at the hands of both my PDM and PDF (her brother) all her life.  I can live without talking to my sibs (however unnatural it feels), because they are in denial.  But my aunt loves me dearly and played a protective role when I was a kid and throughout my life.  She is the only family member I can freely talk with about my struggles, but my mother seems to have figured out a way to make her vulnerable and hoover through her.  So I've had to cut off talking with her, as well.  I am extremely self protective right now, as I am working very hard on recovery and am very easily triggered.  How do others handle what feels like a dangerous (and tragic) balancing act of who to talk with and when?  If there is another thread that addresses this issue, I would be grateful if you could point me in that direction.  Thank you, LittleBoat

Mother's/Father's Day / Re: Here It Comes! Mother's Day
« on: May 13, 2018, 04:16:02 PM »
Kizzie, Thank you for this thread, for helping me with technical glitches in  order to get me here in time for Mothers Day.  But also, thank you for your honesty about where you're at emotionally, modeling for us how to keep up with our own changing moods, anywhere from hopefulness to trepidation.  CPTSD is unpredictable and always comes out of left field.  We can be sideswiped by it, and if we are lucky, we can grow some resilience and learn some coping skills.  But if we are not so lucky on any particular day, we need to acknowledge that, too.   My bipolar is pretty overpowering today, and that is entwined with my CPTSD.   The shadow of my mother and my FOO is coloring things.  I am imagining my siblings and their families visiting my mother, with whom I'm NC, and how they're listening to her sound all sad and distressed that I'm staying away from her, agreeing with her that I'm a terrible daughter and an ungrateful family member.  This scenario might or might not be true.  But I will say this:  the sun is out, and I am in bed, with my blinds drawn.  It's as if I'm gaslighting myself!

Mother's/Father's Day / Re: Mother's Day and Father's Day
« on: May 12, 2018, 03:26:59 PM »
Mother's Day is a double whammy for me.  1.)  I am childless because I decided when I had the chance to be pregnant that I would "pass down" the abuse my mother had caused in me.  I just thought I would repeat her behavior.  I didn't want to wreck a kid.  I am sorry now, at the age of 57, that I have no children or even grandchildren.  But I still believe I made the right choice.  2.)  I am NC with my extremely cruel and narcissistic elderly mother, but that doesn't prevent the emotional flashbacks that flare up.  Just hearing the words "mothers day" in an ad or just in an offhand remark feels like I'm being stung by a taser tip. 

This is an extremely difficult weekend for me.  But I'm glad I'm here.  Just to hear of others' difficulties in the Hallmark aisle makes me feel less isolated and less "different" from everybody else.  Signed, a Little Boat Glad to be Here

Introductory Post / Re: Hello from LittleBoat
« on: May 12, 2018, 03:16:17 PM »
Thanks to all who have welcomed me.  I really like your interpretations of Little Boat.  You are right on all counts, folks, and thank you for taking the time to consider what being a little boat can feel like. 

Introductory Post / Re: Hello......
« on: May 08, 2018, 12:07:19 PM »
Hello Deep Blue.  Hi.  I am new, also.  Your intro post is beautiful.  Your use of language is so poetic and wonderful.  It is clear that you are an artist, without you even having to tell us.  I, myself, am a poet.  Thank you for your beautiful and vivid introduction.  All best to you, Little Boat

Introductory Post / Hello from LittleBoat
« on: May 08, 2018, 12:02:24 PM »
Dear all,
My name is LittleBoat, and I am brand new to this website and forum, although I've struggled with C-PTSD my whole life, way before I (or anyone in the therapeutic community) seemed to know what it was.  Not ready to go into too many details, and I have yet to learn all the acronyms and protocols, so please bear with me.  My problems began with emotional and physical abuse as a chid.  Both parents problematic.  Mother especially.  My Inner Critic is particularly severe.  And, according to my work with psychiatrist, the C-PTSD is bound up with Bi-Polar swings, which get particularly bad in the spring.  And here comes Mother's Day.  I am NC (No Contact?) with my elderly mother.  Father has died.  I would say I am in a period of Flooding.  Can't think straight, and I sleep a lot.  I question and ruminate over every little thing I say or do.  And here comes Mothers Day.  No card, this year.  No more cards, at all.  Very happy to be here.--LittleBoat

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