Messages

I choose love and kindness... patience and consistent hope... Magic does happen. I have seen it. No forced or professed perfection exists where it is.

Yes. 

Trying to stay positive. Trying being the operative word here.

You don't need to force yourself. No need for any operative word. I hope you know that the word 'trying' also mean difficult to endure. Refrain from using words like 'try' and 'trying' in your actions as it often leads to 'tried'. You are kind, positive, optimistic, compassionate.... You already know that. Now you are simply being.

Change is hard.

Change is never hard or easy. Change is change. It is the only constant.
This time you have chosen the change. The change has not chosen you.

Hi,
I feel exhausted living with my (supposedly BPD? I don't care. Scr*w the labels! I'm not here to stigmatize anybody) Mom.
I have traumatic flashbacks of her. I'm introverted. I don't like anybody crossing my personal space and being too affectionate with me. When I ignore her affection she starts abusing me and telling me and people around that I don't feel and will never feel attachment to any person or living being. The family works on attachment. Family will cease to function normally if people don't feel attached to each other. She had been repeatedly brainwashed by some mental health professional in the past that 'Your son can never feel attachment towards other people. He won't have any empathy.  blah blah...'
I told her "There's a difference between attachment and affection. Yes, what you're feeling [is] definitely an attachment. Try to be affectionate rather than being attached. It'd be more peaceful to you and others. Boundaries have to be respected for our own well being and the well being of other person.  The reason why you became so distraught when your marriage failed is because you were attached to dad rather than having a nurturing relationship with yourself." She became conscious of it for 1 sec or so and then suddenly went into defense mode and started abusing me. I even gave her examples of how mothers who are so attached to their children become distraught when their child dies. I told her she is a gyno for so many years and should already be aware of such issues. At least try to think rationally. Still there was no end to her abuse and curses.  I apologize if to anyone all this comes off as me patronizing her or me being 'attached' to her. It was just an attempt to have a rational conversation with her as I know any form of affection is only going to lead to smothering 'attachment'.
This was just the case of showering of affection or 'attachment' as she adamantly calls it. At other times there are only curses and curses as if I'm some monster.
I'm tired of her constant pull and push. I don't mean to blame her or play the victim. I just need to know how to deal with her? Having a rational conversation seems out of the question. Hugging her to calm her down only seem to have opposite effect. Like it's all fake. 'You don't love me!'

Sorry for the rant. I was a very shy and quiet person. I was never like this. I think living with her and dealing with her I'd slowly become her. Which i don't want and am trying to avoid. Also, sometimes her abuses and remarks trigger flashbacks. So it's pretty complicated.
Though I love myself and others, I feel scared to have close relationship with people especially any romantic relationship with anyone. Not that someone will abandon me. I'm already an outcast. But from my lived experiences in my FOO it seems very emotionally draining.
I start to feel scared when someone tries to show me affection in any form. I know it is not bad. Sometimes I just take a step back. At other times to the point that I just go into my shell without any notice. And it seems rude or confusing to the other person. It feels very creepy to me when I find myself in such situations. As if that would somehow lead to some abuse or some form of conflict. Which I know probably wouldn't if I'm clear to the other person why I avoided him/her and if he/she is compassionate enough to understand. All of which doesn't seem practical in daily life.
Personal issues aside. Any practical advice in dealing with my mom?

I think you already have the answer. Just think.

No patience, no tolerance, no allowance for his pain/anger or feelings. Only rigidity. Absence of mercy... brimming with cold indifference. This must end. This critical voice needs to die once and for all time. The battle has begun.

With that approach it will surely die, but soon you'd become him/her. Would you really want that for yourself? Hate only begets hate.
Weird as it may seem... you just need to be more kind to yourself and then project that kindness on others. Magic happens.
And no I'm not your inner critic so feel free to ignore me. 

Ever since I was a small child, everything had to be said with such a careful, apologetic stance, painted and presented like it was an undeserved privilege to express my own feelings. At 56, I think it's time to start being brave somewhere, some how. But words... I hate speaking them. Writing them is so much easier. My journal is safe here... only objective eyes can see it.

"Speak your mind even if your voice shakes."
― Maggie Kuhn

I think we have to be cautious with the affirmations and don't go overboard with empowerment. Which you have made very clear in your post.

This App and some of the guided meditations in it are proving quite helpful.
Thank you ImaSurvivor for sharing.

Hi Estella,
Yep... Soft gaze. That's what I have to start practising. Thank you very much for the information.
Btw, In the past I too used to struggle with keeping my head level while walking when I was a teenager. Fortunately, it had stopped. Now I only look down when navigating through any obstacle in the path. Don't worry. After some time it'd come naturally to you. You don't have to imagine that string anymore then. If you reach that stage then just stop imagining it.  It's more like support wheels for a bicycle. You can use that mental energy elsewhere then like being more mindful of your surroundings.

Please guys if anyone else have any more suggestions and have mastered the art of eye contact do reply.

Godsend: Noun Godsent: Adjective
Yet both sound like a Verb. Hmm....
English is weird.

I sometimes find it difficult to maintain long duration eye contact with other adults. I come from a very conservative culture and as a kid had been raised in a patriarchal environment where direct eye contact with elders was often frowned upon and seen as a sign of disrespect.
I don't have much issue not maintaining much eye contact during a conversation. On the plus side my brain doesn't have to deal with the sensory visual information from other people's expressions and gestures so it has more resources allocated for the topic of conversation and it can think and analyze the information more efficiently. On the downside some people might find less eye contact as rude or weird or even as some sign of weakness or it might give them wrong signal that I'm not interested in what they're trying to say or convey.
I know it has to change. As having eye contact is crucial for better face to face communication and building better rapport with people. Also it helps in assertiveness and more importantly helps in creating healthy boundaries so people don't take me for granted and step into my personal space. I know I can do it. I just need more and more practice.
Anyone in here struggle with eye contact sometimes? Any techniques you used to master eye contact? What about the eye gazing thing? Anyone tried it?

...To the point that their level of compassion and empathy can even come off as weird or creepy to the normal folks.

Sorry. I meant 'our' not 'their'.
Sometimes it's just the way I explain stuff to others. It's just my own shame that I've the sensitivity and empathy which is so uncommon in  today's competitive world that most people would never grasp it and see it as something unnormal.
I hope I didn't trigger or demoralize anybody reading the post.

Supportive, round-the-clock partners? Pets.  I'm pet-sitting rn and I notice 

Really? You think so? Wait till they evolve one day and can communicate in Human speak.

The most compassionate person I know also has cptsd.

If you suffer enough you get to have compassion I guess?

I don't know if that's true. That Suffering leads to compassion. It's got more to do with self-reflection and observation. Still, going by the responses I'm getting in this forum and my own being... Yes,  I think people with cPTSD are some of the most compassionate ones. To the point that their level of compassion and empathy can even come off as weird or creepy to the normal folks.

I've been reading some of the posts here. Reading about other members' journey and healing.
I had never come across such positivity, faith and resilience in face of adversity. I wish I had found this community earlier rather than dealing it on my own.
I'm optimistic that OOTS and the interactions I have over here would be a catalyst for my personal growth, well being and healing. And I hope i'd be the same for others over here. People who I'd never meet or see in this life.

Peace,
Bhupendra

It's a relief to know that you're doing okay Boatsetsailrose. You almost got me worried.  I know how difficult it is sometimes with the triggers.
Btw, I love your signature. Optimistic.

Sometimes we (with cptsd) don't realise what strengths we carry in us. It could be Boatssetsailrose sees bravery in you. I could also see somebody being brave for a much 'lesser' step like just reaching out and joining here without saying much at all about themselves. For others who just read here and don't join, merely reading can be a brave step. Unfortunately, we can't send a message to those people.

Ok. From now on I will start seeing and accepting 'bravery' the way you described.

It could be that 'brave' is a trigger word for you? Some of us on here (myself included) are triggered by particular seemingly innocuous words. There have been posts about that before.

I don't think it is a trigger here. I often used to see it as a word that is associated with people who had gone through trauma or any mishap and are totally public about how they survived through it. Or with people who risked their own life to save or protect someone else's.
Personally, as I mentioned earlier I'm an introverted person and feel very uncomfortable with even genuine compliments I receive from people especially other adults. If I could I would shut all contact from the world. Go live and work at some peaceful place by the beach on some island. With only few people I care deeply about and who I trust and who feel the same for me. Yet I know it's just a dream.
I know many introverts do feel uncomfortable by attention or by the showering of compliments. I think on a subconscious level for me it's just that feeling of betrayal and abuse that makes me sometimes feel uncomfortable/scared with even the good things in life. Perhaps, some feeling like... 'It's okay that there's some good happening in my life. It's okay they're complimenting me. Still if I don't stand up to their expectations in future and give them better results they might start saying bad things about me.' I know it doesn't make much sense and should not matter much even if they do. It's my life not theirs. But with all these collective past experiences of abuse and control I experienced with my mother and even her ongoing onslaught of negativity I sometimes feel scared to receive even genuine compliments from someone or build close friendship with someone even if that person seems empathetic and approaches me. I know it needs to and have to change if I have to build better connections with people. To live the life many on this forum often dream of and try to get closer to it every single day even if sometimes the environment or the outside world shows no signs of any hope to reach there.

My sincere apologies bhupendra so sorry to cause you offence.

Hey, I think it is I who should apologize to you Boatsetsailrose. I'm really sorry if it triggered you in any sense.  I don't know any of what you went through in your past. It wasn't my intention to hurt you. Please, don't take it to heart. I was talking about people in general not you. I should have clarified it in my earlier post... well actually whenever I did open up to some people about the abuse. Some called me 'brave' as if mocking me and invalidating my experiences. I'm new to this forum. Please, don't hesitate to explain as Blueberry just did.

Rather get yourself some cats. No leash. No need to set them free. Stop being so human. Be a cat.