Messages

They are rare. I'd suggest you not to depend on your partner to experience what healthy love or affection is.
Besides people are NOT there to understand our trauma and help us cope. That's even more true of a close relationship like marriage/partnership.
The other person too would have his/her needs, emotions and life before you as he/she would be having with you.

I too agree with el. You can expect them in the most unlikely places. I was working sometime ago. It was a very high activity environment/workplace. You probably won't expect anyone to be kind to a coworker especially if they're working in a high stress environment and have a very high workload, right? Yet the people there were some of the kindest people I have ever come across in my life. The women there, around my M's age, were so kind to me I almost had to hold my tears back. I have never experienced such kindness and empathy earlier in my life. So yes, just be open to life happening.

Thank you Blueberry.

Thank you for sharing
Your are brave , a survivor and on the next stage of your recovery
I send you all the blessings

Thank you. Same to you Boatsetsailrose.
I don't think I'm brave or anything.
Surviving is a necessity for anyone.
I just wish people stop calling other people 'brave'. It only makes people who are currently trapped in an abusive environment or who for some reason cannot escape or share about their trauma with others feel bad about themselves.

But I do wish they were just a bit wiser. Just a little bit. Sometimes..? For a fleeting moment, before they regressed right back to "Toughen up!"
Please don't toughten up, on the contrary, I hope you soften toward yourself.

You're just a stranger to me. Still what you said, it means a lot. It's the first time ever someone said that to me. Yes, I have to soften toward myself. Just as I internalized all of my M's demoralizing abusive crap. I also started taking this 'toughen up', 'get over it'.... thoughtless stuff people told me too seriously as I didn't know any other way and thought as if it was the only way to deal with all the trauma and the unspoken pain. Toughening up has only led to more damage. It didn't help much with the abuse I was encountering. On the contrary, in my daily life it only sent wrong signals to others, as I tried to see people with a rigid mindset. It cost me many good opportunities for new friendships and growth.

I hope from the depths of my heart for you that you'll live, not just survive.

Thank you. I wish the same for you. ((((Hugs))))

My T says that "should haves" are dangerous. She said if we do it too much we "should have" all over ourselves.

Something insightful. Thank you Deep Blue.

I had a lot of problems with my M too. I know the 'burden' topic very well. I have next to no contact with her now, but it took me a long time to get to this stage of VLC (very low contact).

I just hope she's not abusive to you now. I wish I could reach the stage of VLC or NC someday. My sister is very much VLC now.
If it's a partner/spouse atleast one can break up. It isn't the same when one's abuser is a parent... one's mom or a family member.

Thank you everybody.
I think this forum is a good place to start.
I'm new here and to healing. I don't want to just 'deal with it' anymore. I want to heal. Can someone please guide me to an appropriate section?
(Please, nothing triggering or related to abuse. I just want to know ways in which I can manage and hopefully get out of this one day.)

P.S.- I'm from a Non-English speaking country. My English is not so good so please be patient and forgive any grammatical errors or anything that comes off as a contextual fallacy. Many a times online I had people misinterpreting what I typed or thinking that I'm weird. I know it's a drawback of textual communication. I wish my English and communication skills were as good as you people here. At least, I could more properly communicate and express my thoughts as you guys.

Hello,
My name is Bhupendra. I'm a 31 year old guy. I'm new to this site.
Many people over here had been through same or worse so I don't want to get into much detail and trigger anyone. I don't know where exactly to start with this. It's been years since many of these incidents happened. And I know the situation now is not as it was back then. That I shouldn't feel helpless and powerless. Sometimes I still struggle with some of the flashbacks and freeze. Yet the way I process and deal with them is gradually changing. The intensity of the flashbacks is not as strong as it had been in the past.
As a kid I had been an introverted person. Shy. Timid. Not assertive. Never been able to say 'No' to anyone when I should have.
I should have ran away from the abuse. Someplace safe. At least I won't have to deal with these flashbacks and triggers.

The source of most of the incidents and triggers is my mom. I know every mother is different. I won't say that my mom never loved me or had never ever been kind to me. There's barely any memory of it now. She's dead. An emotional landmine. She has her issues that arose out of her marriage. At times I even sympathized with her. Yet all the while she'd say that I'm worthless. That I should have never been born. That I would always be a burden. I internalized everything she said. Anything I did was never good enough for her. I was her trophy child. When I failed her my sister became one. Without ever realizing I was simply trying to fulfill her expectations, trying to make her happy, hoping that someday as a mother she'd at least understand my feelings and would stop abusing me. It never happened. On the contrary I started having very low self esteem, more new incidents to deal with. And whatever I did to make her happy and satisfied or to deal with her control and abuse started to reflect in my daily life. I became a people pleaser at some point in my life. I started feeling scared to develop close bond with people. It impacted my relationship with people.

In the past, at some point I even tried to open up to some people about the flashbacks and abuse... acquaintances, friends, some counselors, strangers online. Most people just said... 'toughen up', 'every mother is like that', 'let go', 'forget it', 'you're taking it too seriously' etc.

I know it'd require lot of work.
And that I can possibly never be completely free of this in my life. That I have to deal with this on my own. That I cannot expect anyone else... friends, partner, kids, classmates, colleagues, counselors... to understand. That I'd have to learn and unlearn many social and emotional skills. And put into action the ones which I already possess yet in my attempts to avoid further abuse am scared to use.
I know this would require many baby steps. I don't want to remain trapped forever and submit myself to the triggers, the flashbacks and go into a perpetual freeze. I don't want to just survive. I want to live.