Messages

Hi the truth
I take escitalopram 10mg daily. Have done for over a year. I think it's more or less the same as what you are planning on taking. It has reduced my anxiety quite abit . And lifted my mood too. 15mg was too much it left me feeling like a zombie. Definately recommend it. Unfortunaltely hasn't helped whatsoever with nightmares or flashbacks. But at least fhe anxiety has diminished!
Start it slowly. Quarter tablet for 4 days, then half for 4 days until you go up to a whole.
Best of luck! BB

Thanks a lot for the feedback Blackbird. I am hoping for a reduction in difficult rumination and a reduction on anxiety. These 2 problems are killing my energy and will to live. I need relief from this thing.

I had great luck with fluoxetine (generic Prozac). I've been on it for a long time now and may now have developed a tolerance or something, and may need something more effective - but I don't know how I would have gone on without some medicinal intervention. Best wishes to you in this, I'm interested to hear updates from you on this subject.

Hi Three Roses,

in Spring 2015 I tried Prozac. After 7 or 8 weeks of being in a zombie like state I decided I simply couldn't cope with it any longer.

I remember deciding I was going to exercise myself better.  I started jogging. That particular episode passed, little did I know the episodes would become a very regular occurrence. Back then I hadn't heard of an emotional flashback.

I have got my citalopram and I plan to give them a good long trial.

Due to the low quality of my daily life now, I feel I must try medication, anti-depressant medication.

A friend says citalopram has helped him to cope with some intense and life affecting emotions, rumination and anxiety.

I googled 'citalopram for rumination' . and I found this testimony in a forum:-

"I had intrusive thoughts, dreadful anxiety and depression for years and years and I recovered taking SSRI's.  Everyone's different of course.
As funkdakarma says, the thoughts and anxiety are closely related.  You get into a cycle of depression - anxiety - intrusive thoughts - anxiety - depression etc etc and this medicine helps break that cycle by relieving the anxiety, helping to lift the depression and so the intrusive thoughts will become less important.  Depression makes our minds tired, thoughts thrive on anxiety and then stick to a tired mind, going round and round.

Now I'm well, the intrusive thoughts have disappeared way to the back of my mind and don't bother me or cause me any anxiety any more.  I do t think of them much now - the anxiety was cured for me and so the thoughts lost their importance.

Everyone suits different doses and am sure you'll find the correct one for you to help. This medicine take a long time to work, but keep persevering, have lots of patience and you should feel some benefit from it in time.  Your mood may be up and down for a while - some days or weeks you feel great and others you feel back in the midst of it all again.  This is normal and just part of the healing process.

Hope this helps."

To me this sounds like a good recommendation.

Does anyone else have experience of citalopram or similar meds?

At this stage I need to try something. My life cant go on as it is right now.

Hi All,

I have finally read the 'Overall Impression' penned by a private psychiatrist following a private assessment which I had organised through my GP. The document is dated 7th July 18.

I received it a week ago but I didnt look at it for fear of being triggered.

This small collection of words simply does not remotely reflect the scale of what I went through and what I am still going through, every single moment.

What this small collection of words does reflect is the psychiatrists refusal to adequately explore the true and actual nature of what I am living with.

I would like to share the entire document here. It is nothing short of an insult and I had to pay £250 for this insulting 'service'.

Without saying too much more about it now, I hope looking at this doesnt trigger me because I am already struggling.

Many of us here self-diagnose thetruth, mainly because physicians and mental health professionals do not yet know about Complex PTSD/Trauma, in particular in situations such as workplace abuse. 

However, many do and this is reflected in the fact that the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies has a Complex Trauma Special Interest Group - https://www.istss.org/about-istss/special-interest-groups/complex-trauma-sig.aspx.  Also, while Complex PTSD/Trauma is not yet in the APA's DSM as an official diagnosis, it has just been included in the WHO's ICD and much of that is due to the push by mental health professionals to have it recognized so that people like us around the world can get the treatment, services & support we so need whether it's because of abuse in childhood or adulthood. 

I guess my point is don't let ignorance stop you from what you know to be true. Keep trying to find a GP and/or T who is knowledgeable and will help you, not tell you you are just too sensitive.  Abuse in the workplace is a very real issue which can definitely lead to developing CPTSD; as Rainagain points out just Google that to confirm what you already know in your heart.   

Kizzie,

Thanks a lot for this. I am finally reading your link. Challenging day today. It was hard to do Christmas shopping on such trying emotions but I got a surprising amount done and survived a lengthy conversation with a neighbour. Very tiring, have to do it all again tomorrow.

Hi truth
I've decided  any assessments i go to ill try to arrange an advocate to go with me. Doing these things alone with a mental health disorder is no easy ground.

Here is a link
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/advocacy/finding-an-advocate/#.XBtcd5mnzN4

Hi Rose,

And thanks a lot for bringing the possibility of having an advocate accompany me to assessments.

I though that by paying for a private assessment, I could expect an impartial listening ear, someone who would be more sympathetic to the prolonged, unresolvable nature of what I was left to manage after being poorly treated.

Im afraid that was pure naivety on my part. The psychiatrist seeing me privately at my expense is also an NHS employee and he cannot separate his allegiances. He was not open to hearing how I had been failed by another NHS doctor, nor how that had contributed to my situation. So he had to do exactly what the original GP did. Avoid the truth and manipulate the history as required to avoid addressing the real cause and effect.

If I go through the assessment process again I will have an advocate. Thank you.

Hi truth
I  often use the term psychological injury or damage ...
When it comes to the mental health system i use disorder

Hi Rose,

I hear ya. Forgive me for educating you!

Wouldn't that be a digit deficiency?

Or partially dexterous maybe.

A manual malfunction perhaps? Digital deficiency is perfect though. Nice one!

Hi truth
I've decided  any assessments i go to ill try to arrange an advocate to go with me. Doing these things alone with a mental health disorder is no easy ground.

Here is a link
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/advocacy/finding-an-advocate/#.XBtcd5mnzN4

Hi Rose,

Thank you very much for this.

Dont you feel more that you are mentally injured rather than disordered? After having been exposed to so much new info. and terminology in recent years re trauma and Cptsd, I firmly believe there is quite a difference to be affirmed on this point. If you get a finger chopped off they dont say you have a hand disorder, its an injury. Know what I mean?  We have been injured. I think the language around these things is currently evolving to better reflect basic honesty.

Thank you and have a calm and pleasant day.

For what its worth I would be wary about trying to 'fight' with the NHS or psychiatrists.

Its unequal, we are vulnerable and they are not.

I see it as likely to turn out like my employment situation, an unequal struggle that caused trauma.

It might be better to keep trying different gps/psychs/whatever until you get a result like eyessoblue describes.

Most organisations and many alleged professionals are basically very poor, but there are good people around, if you can find them.

Hi Rainagain,

Thanks as ever for your considered, experienced insight. I dont really plan to fight with the psychiatrist. I still havent looked at his report which I recently got by email. I know it will be triggering and right now I am doing ok.

If it is as far removed from the actual truth of my situation as I remember it, as it was verbally summarised to me at the end of the assessment, I will be pointing out in direct terms, just how poorly the assessment was carried out and how pointless the conclusions are as a result.

What gives these people the right to frame events in the least inconvenient way to themselves? Their position does. Its not good enough.

As I said, Im doing ok and with Christmas around the corner, I dont want to rock the boat by reading his report right now.

The truth
I would suggest getting someone to be on your side and to advocate with you /for you. Here in the UK we have such charities that can support ...
Do u have access to this ?

Hi Rose,

I am in the UK. I am trying to visualise how this would work. Might this involve another impartial person identifying the health care professional avoiding the issue and squandering the time talking about unrelated stuff? I think I this could be very useful.  Someone else listening to make it more difficult for them to shirk their responsibility and to deter them from overtly selecting what they focus on. Just what I need!

Next time I speak to a psychiatrist I will be less stressed, less exhausted and less easily manipulated.

Negative ruminations must surely also be typical of people who have been abused and traumatised, probably more typical for them I'd think than for people with bipolar?

I'm certainly partial to a good negative ruminatory session these days, there's nothing like having your life ruined by idiots to promote that sort of thing.

You would think that, yes, Rainagain. Especially when there is a detailed history of sustained, complex unfairness, involving trauma. It makes it all the more telling that a psychiatrist would choose such a flimsy, wishy-washy, truth avoiding conclusion. It begs the question, is this guy not interested in the actual traumatic history he has just had described to him? Might that be too inconvenient for him?

I still havent been able to bring myself to look at the report. I am concerned it will trigger me. I will have to look sooner or later.

Just wondering how you are doing, the truth?

I agree with absolutely everything you said in your previous response. It is almost as if, once you have experienced how truly awful people can be, it is hard to live with people, to go along with social convention, even to chat about seemingly inconsequential things. I fought against this feeling for so long, tried to fit in, but now I just accept the isolation.

I hope you don't mind me telling you about my son, who was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome, aged five. At about age 18, he took it upon himself to get his diagnosis removed. It was a very positive thing for him. He is still very unusual, but he has accepted himself, and pretty much, everyone else does. He has actually been quite an inspiration to me. To accept myself and not be defined by a "diagnosis".

All the best to you and please keep in touch.

Hi Libby,

That is a very positive decision, and a positive story about your son. Im glad you are able to draw strength from his example.

I am doing ok thanks. I have to think about my past all the time but I am at that phase of the cycle where it isnt crippling me and I am able to identify some truly positive thoughts. In ways it makes me jealous of some other people, and maybe of the old pre-abuse me, who doesnt have to think about the same thing all the time.

I find this thought usually leads on to other thoughts- the old me was blissfully ignorant of what was to come and how it would challenge my life quality. I find this then makes me reflect mindfully on the present because for all I know there is tragedy ahead. So therefore I should focus on and appreciate whatever blissful ignorance I am currently enjoying!?!!?

Somehow this train of thought helps me. It helps me to think, hey, things arent all that bad. Look at the positives. Build on the positives. If nothing else, know there are gaps in the intrusive thinking when I am ok, like right now. ..know there are gaps and enjoy them. By gap I mean times of being relatively untroubled.

For whatever reason, I am having a chilled evening and things are ok my end. I reallyu hope they are ok your end too.

"Hi Boatsetsailrose,

The other side of it being so hard for us to articulate our inner experiences and the injustice of our realities, is that it is consequently very easy for those with an interest in downplaying wrong doing against us, to misrepresent the truth and to avoid any inconvenience that the truth might involve.

Thank you, I have asked for the report from my psychiatrist. They have said they posted it a week ago. It hasnt arrived yet. Lets see if it comes or if I have to request it by another means. I will request it by email next. "

The report didnt come by post. I asked for it by email and I had it within 2 hours.

I couldnt look at it this morning in case it triggered me before I went out and this evening I am in good form after a positive, carefree day. I am not going to jeopardise my evening by looking at the report because I know the report is more insult.

I was thinking about the psychiatrists evaluation in recent days. When he said I could not drop these negative ruminations because this is typical of people with bipolar tendencies (horse-crap on various fronts), he is still putting the blame for this on me. His conclusion still refuses to acknowledge the abuse, trauma and injury involved. His conclusion suggests that the problem is an issue with my psychology, as it was with the abusive employer, and with the duty shirking GP, he is choosing to lay the fault with me and not with the damaging events.

He is perpetuating the defamatory narrative, and that is as politely as I can put it. He too is abusing his position to frame the facts in a way that avoids the ugly truth at my expense once again.

These people cannot seem to get it into their heads that further denigration of me and further insult cannot fix the defamation and insult already suffered.

Hi Boatsetsailrose,

The other side of it being so hard for us to articulate our inner experiences and the injustice of our realities, is that it is consequently very easy for those with an interest in downplaying wrong doing against us, to misrepresent the truth and to avoid any inconvenience that the truth might involve.

Thank you, I have asked for the report from my psychiatrist. They have said they posted it a week ago. It hasnt arrived yet. Lets see if it comes or if I have to request it by another means. I will request it by email next.

Thanks for the advice. If I need it, I will be asking  for another assessment at no cost to myself.