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Thank you for chiming in woodsgnome. Your words were confusing to me at first but reading them again I think I get more of what your saying.

I have been crying a lot the past two weeks. Speaking with a friend last night I felt so sad in front of her, which was revealing to me, as she is someone I can truly feel how I need to feel with as I feel so incredibly safe with her. We talked about the sadness I have been feeling about my relationship changing, and recent disappointments that have weighed heavily on me. We explored a spectrum of possibilities - end it? just do my own thing? ... (which feels to me like ending it tbh)... I kept coming back to absolute feelings of sadness. Despite knowing that my partner has been trying very hard, and clearly cares, it seems a few key incidents really rocked me during a period when I have been having a bloody hard time! That sadness is possibly about hardship and life pain.

I had an 'assessment' for PTSD that turned out to be total rubbish... a 15 minute chat with someone who talked over me, scoffed at the idea of me having an assessment, and suggested I had a personality disorder (despite not listening and not assessing me). I felt humiliated and hugely deeply bereft at this experience. I built up to this so much, thinking it would lead to treatment options, and felt very nervous about the disclosure I was expecting to go through and full of anticipation.

My partner forgot about this appointment and the night before he was moody and tired. I felt so alone. The morning of it he drove like a lunatic not wanting us to be late, and it scared me. After the appointment he didn't pick me up like he said he would. I walked home crying and got into bed. For the first time since knowing him I absolutely did not want to see him. I felt so 'left', as well as feeling distraught at the disappointment and futility of the appointment.

This followed an incident a few days before where he had been frustrated in the middle of a task and dropped something large in anger that smashed closed to me. The smashing and the stressful emotions triggered me and I spent 2 days feeling very bad, confused and angry that he had done this, especially as I thought he knew how much things like this can mess me up. He said sorry and that he was angry with himself for this happening, and that he didn't mean to scare me. I struggled with this but it felt suitable to forgive him. I cried a lot due to how much pain the whole incident brought up for me. For two days afterwards I had a trigger hangover with more physical symptoms, difficulty concentrating and some more.

So the doctor disappointment came after this. And since then it has just been one thing after another. My head has been going "go away, leave me alone, I don't want to see you" and I have had flashbacks of my mother a few times when he has tried to be close and comforting, of when she would hurt me and then try to comfort me later, when I was crying in bed, or feeling very scared. I found this disorienting and confusing as a child and have been feeling this way as of recent. It is a newer flashback for me.

I can articulate this now but I do find that when things are tricky sometimes I can't think let alone write. I really lost my own comforting helpful guiding voice during this time, which felt frightening. I have felt very alone and scared for the past two weeks.

Speaking to my friend last night, and my brother who was very helpful, I feel like I have established a few things.

It seems that both my partner and I have been experiencing a lot of stress. He has a very demanding job, long hours that demand his full attention and a lot of responsibility. He has an unwell relative who he is worried about, and also has a constant painful health condition. I feel very bad writing this as he really is having an ongoing tough time that I don't know what I can do to support.  Perhaps this is something I need to think about more. I also think he has been very worried about me as I have not been feeling great recently. Perhaps a vicious cycle is going on between us? 

The relationship has become a bit of an emotional dumping ground, as I have been struggling to access any therapeutic support (not for lack of trying!!!). I have been feeling like I need him for this recently and I have felt saddened at feeling like I suddenly don't have his support, affection or care. It has been devastating, to be honest. I have cried so much. However, through speaking With trusted loved one, I realise that I can help myself distributing the load by talking to friends (I'm going to see my friend again tonight), doing more things that I enjoy, getting back to myself again.

My partner and I talked the other day a lot and I felt it best if we see each other less at the moment, focussing on quality time and not quantity. This is a big change as we didn't stop seeing each other after we met, so the changes have felt like loss to me, however if I focus on looking after myself more at the moment hopefully I will find some strength and resilience, the capacity to support him again.

Trust.

That's what has been affected.

I trust people easily when my instincts tell me it is safe to do so.

However it is fragile. Small incidents that have triggered me have damaged the trust I felt.

I don't feel relaxed anymore. I am doing the abandonment tango with myself. Everything with this person feels tainted.

When sorry has been said, when weeks have passed, how can trust be rebuilt?

Maybe they could do more. Maybe they will if I tell them this.

I'm scared that saying my trust has been affected will be used against me, and past partners spring to mind ... "you have trust issues".... yes, I do, but only when something has frightened me.

An incident a couple of weeks ago frightened me.

How do we rebuild?

Standing with you! 

Thank you!

Sorry you're having a rough time, but you have made a good realization here. Maybe, is there something else you could do to help you feel more in control, instead of eating? Something that would help you feel better, and be good for you? All the best; take care!

I agree, it is a helpful realisation. Thank you for your comment and support.

Cutting carbs feels like the best way to enjoy eating (everything else) and avoid a food group that seems to trigger comfort eating. Carbs are supposed to have antidepressant, or sedative types effects, and I have been additives to high carb foods in my life. I will keep trying to do this as much as possible. This is how I lost weight, and still continued to eat in a way that felt joyful. Carbs don't feel joyful anymore. When I'm eating them I feel myself feeling worried as they make me bloat and lead to more and more cravings.

Water and herb tea are things that I can consume more, and herb tea is a good one to get into because the process of making a cuppa is quite soothing for me.

Writing helps, on here and elsewhere, and making packed lunches would also help. I think I need to make a rule of no buying food on the go, and starting to carry nuts and healthy bits with me!

The job news is settling in. Lots to think about as it a position of responsibility during a time of organisational change. And I'm excited. I love my work and want to help bring about positive change for this org as best as I can.

I think I'm going to tell them about my PTSD from the offset. I will explain that I attended my job interview on a rough day, so I can and will often be functional despite symptoms. I want to let them know because I am there to influence positive change in the organisation, so for me it is important to find out more about their current occupational wellbeing and support system, and to see what might need improving. 

I've used Mind's Wellness Action Plan in the workplace before, where I disclosed to my manager and provided examples of how my workplace could help. We developed a plan together and it showed me how supportive managers and workplaces can be. It helped me a lot, as I felt more able to come in on rough days, to do what I could. I was praised for persevering and in turn it actually often helped me through difficult patches. I still work as a consultant with this org so it didn't dampen their view of me at all. Inspiring, no?!

Here is a link in case anyone might find it useful
https://www.mind.org.uk/workplace/mental-health-at-work/taking-care-of-your-staff/employer-resources/wellness-action-plan-download/

Comfy clothes and soft blankets.... mmmmmm.... I love those things so much <3 Have a number of lovely comforting things, including my favourite blanket that I call Big Red. That blanket is always there for me!

Both of your comments helped me to feel more accepting of looking at celebration in a different way. I'm going to keep working on this.

Yesterday I did a fair bit of writing, which really helped.

Today I feel better than I have done in a while. Relaxed and fairly happy. Less anxiety. What a relief.

I have been reading The Secret Garden on and off for about a year. I love the themes inside it and feel like it was written for me. I definitely recommend this book for comfortable reading, with gems of beauty and meaning.

I got to a better place with food and lost weight in the last year. Felt really good.

Things have been hard recently and I am eating so much. I don't like feeling so out of control. It is clearly an attempt to feel in control, to put something into me that I know will taste a certain way. "Food never lets me down". There's a whole heap of stuff.

But it is letting me down. It's not making me feel better. It is a fallacy. And I feel bloated and have put on about 1.5 stone, undoing my hard work.

I just want to feel better 

Hi all,

I have had some very good news as I have accepted a new job that I am very excited about. It comes during a difficut patch... I am amazed that I attended the interview! And then to get the job... well, I feel chuffed.

I also feel vulnerable, as the tricky time and symptoms are still very real.

Do people have ideas of how I could celebrate that are safe, stable, secure, peaceful, caring, gentle and restorative?

I would love to hear anyone's thoughts!

Thank you,
Sasha

[notalone]

Thank you notalone and Three Roses

Despite the good news I feel a little frustrated. My emotional range is just a bit wonky at the moment. In the past I would have jumped from very down to very up at the good news, and probably would have blindsided a rough emotional state by replacing it with the extreme high of going out, drinking and socialising. However, due to a hectic rollercoaster month and hard week, I still feel frazzled from experiencing such a load of hard physical and mental symptoms, including difficult memories and sensations. For five years I have been unearthing, bit by bit,  the adversity of my childhood. The tough bit now, as I continue to work on all of this, is realising the absolute enormity and volume of it (0-18+ years) and also that I have recently experienced additional trauma due to my family circumstances.

So today I want to celebrate the self compassion and awareness that I have developed. I have got this job during a very difficult period, and I am aware that I am still having a tricky time. I can feel it, as last night after getting the news I felt jittery and quite 'un-real', which has been happening a lot recently. Later I had an anxiety attack, which is such a shame after getting great news, but I'm really trying not to get down about it.  Getting the job is going to be great in so many ways, however I really need to take care of myself at the moment. I need to rest a lot, and I need to be gentle.

I suppose self-awareness is a quieter type of success. To celebrate I am going to focus on self-care as my number one priority. I want to be stable, and I want peace and security, therefore I am going to try to hone in on the elements in life that bring this to me. Job is looking good, so now I can try my best keep focus on the other areas of my life that need addressing. Step by step.

I feel like this is a big step for me, in the way I am looking at things.

I was thinking of going out at lunchtime and finding some lovely smelling bubblebath, maybe some massage oil and a scented candle. Also possibly a piece of fluffy clothing!  I would love to find new ways to celebrate success that are safe, stable, secure, peaceful, caring, gentle and restorative. If anyone has ideas, I would love to hear them.

Awww yeah! I did get the job. It’s a big deal! Thanks so much

Have so many emotions... very happy ones. It’s weird after being low recently. Don’t quite know what to do with myself?!

So have decided to listen to music and cook xx

I'm glad you've taken some healthy, beneficial steps! That's huge! 

One thing I might add is that ptsd is much different than cptsd. I know you're exhausted at the moment but here's an article to save for later - https://www.talkspace.com/blog/complex-ptsd-versus-standard-ptsd/

And some printable info for any upcoming appointments https://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads

I know that's a lot so I'll quit  take care and if you can I'm interested in updates.

Hey Three Roses

Thanks so much for sharing this. I am aware of some major differences, especially the impact on one's formation of their personality, and these guides you've sent will be useful, no doubt, as I start to talk more with professionals about this.

Right now I am following the basic PTSD route because of the guidelines published by NICE that clearly state that PTSD sufferers should not be given medication and non-– PTSD or trauma based therapy options as a first a routine response.
https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng116/chapter/recommendations#access-to-care

This is what keeps happening to me so I'm going to push back using the official line for now, and then will explore the nuance of complex PTSD in more detail as this progresses. I believe that my symptoms for quite clearly into PTSD diagnosis anyway, due to flashbacks and triggers, and it's been interesting to see what the PTSD UK organisation have to say, as they subcategorise PTSD in different ways.
https://www.ptsduk.org/what-is-ptsd/c-ptsd-pdsd-and-type-2-ptsd-explained/

Right now I don't know what language is being used in the NHS or by the professional I am being arranged speak to you so I will present to them what is going on and take it from there.

Thanks so much for all your comments and support.

Absolutely amazing news today. I've got the job! It's one that I really want, it's part time and doing the thing that I love the most in a position that is really good for this point in my career.

I just feel so grateful. Yesterday when I went to the job interview in a very triggered state I decided that at least I could be proud of trying my best despite difficult circumstances. I also felt like there was a "realness" to how I was at that point, maybe a little bit quieter and less chatty, but also quite calm. I wondered whether that might actually come across nicely. Seems like it did.

I suppose this outcome, combined with what felt like a hug from an NHS doctor yesterday and my partner being so incredibly supportive has just made me feel like the future is just going to get better and better. I know we've all experienced such atrocity and adversity but I am amazed by my own resilience and the resilience of the people that I speak to you on here.

This forum is so special to me. Thank you.

It has been an eventful 24 hours.

I went out last night and felt totally spaced out - and then fully detached, dissociated what have you, in a pub where I normally feel comfy.

I struggled to ground. Got home and shut down, 'tidying' but actually just shut down. Overwhelmed. Lay down to sleep and suicidal thoughts and half dreams of self harm freaked me out. Got up and told partner. Was honest. Wasn't sure what to do. Considered A&E as felt so bad. So tired. So bad and like my brain was just melting. We talked for a long time and I drank herb tea. Felt calmer. Decided to go to bed and get urgent DRs appt next day.

Cuddled and talked this morning. Partner has more awareness after my honesty. Started off relatively stable today but a trigger sent me into frozen mess, couldn't move, slow, couldn't speak. Very strong symptoms atm.

Partner helped me a lot throughout today. I incredibly managed to attend a job interview. Have no idea how I did. Just amazed I even got there and gave it a go.

Had DRs and spoke with very nice person who was understanding. I went to request psychiatric assessment, as have not been diagnosed with PTSD and have read guidelines that say PTSD sufferers should not be treated with non-trauma specific options. She totally got it and has referred me to the in-house psyc team for assessment for PTSD.

Partner came with me to docs. Felt so supported today.

Absolutely. Exhausted. 

Thanks Perplex.  It does feel apt.

After connecting again two days ago, today I was numb and flighty again, finding it difficult to connect again with partner. I 'blocked him out' for the first part of seeing each other.

And then I said to my parts that could t believe his existence, that denied I could have something here and now that is true and consistent and loving, and the parts that live in the sad neglectful lonely past...

I said: Look at him. Put down your book. Look at him, and notice his hair and his body and the way he moves, in your house. He is here.

Therapy intro went well I think. I felt nervous, definitely worried that they wouldn't like me, or wouldn't want to work with me. However I felt empathy from them. I noticed how frightened and helpless I felt, and I imagine they perceived that. I had to stop myself from just blurting everything out and fought back tears. It's been five years I've been working on this alone. The idea of a space to speak about my inner world, memories, symptoms... I just can't explain how right that feels. The relief at the idea of placing it somewhere and with someone specific. An assessment session has been scheduled for next week.

I've been feeling so alone. Changes to my partners schedule are difficult for me to cope with right now. Gone from present and living together, to not living together and a lot of new work commitments. Last night I cried a lot and was comforted. Have been writing the whole relationship off in my head due to not coping well with the sudden distance, due to circumstance and also him being more tired and sometimes moody. Have been going into eggshell-treading mode and I struggle to voice up in a way that could be helpful. I hope that he can notice more and manage his own behaviour. I don't have the strength to tell someone what to do, or how to treat me.

Last night I thought that I crave the feeling that I am the centre of someone's world. That they can't 'put me down' or won't even leave me. Inner child cravings, from very young to older. I think there was a long time that I felt 'left' and alone. I understand that this isn't healthy adult thinking.

I told him and he gave me so many hugs and stroked my hair and I felt bonded again, and it just feels so amazing, like I've never felt love before. Our skin touching when I'm connected is like new worlds exploding in my mind. I told him that I wish that for one day he could feel what I feel, and have the memories that I have, and that I feel like a tree that is all leaves but no roots.

I've spent so long feeling alone. Even in previous romantic relationships, I think I've been alone in my head and in my inner world.

Thanks for the understanding Perplex