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Messages - Urs

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Therapy / hard therapy
« on: July 07, 2018, 10:33:06 AM »
So I had a weird therapy session where my t kept pressing me about meds even though for me, they are a hard no - I basically shut down in the conversation and couldn't talk really. Not olny that, but then we did some EMDR-ish things that brought up W H Y. I was at that point, porbably somewhere else entirely.

THing is after the sess (no gorunding or anything, though my t did ask me whether it was fine by me to en the session there and I said fine) I was... I can only desribe it as I did not have acess to my mind. I could navigate wher I was going and such, but I was basically mute, even though I was presnt. It was a s if my mind was a lake. Whn you throw a pebble into a lake, it creates ripples, wves, it sinks in... the pebbles being outside stimuli, but also thoughts. For me it was like the lake was frozen, cvered in an unchrckable lyer of translucent ice. YOu could still throw a rock on the lake theoretically, but it never sunk in etc.

Other metaphor I came up with is a bear in a stream just surrounded by fsh. The bear could easily catch the fish, they jsut bump into his legs, but he is jsut stnding there, not truly acknowledging the water on his feet, just staring right ahed. He on some lvel knows the fsh are there, that he is in watr, and that the sun is shinin, but nothing really registers. My friend desribed that image as tranquil - but that would imply a sense of peace and there was jsut nothing - if anything, the bear might have been tranquilIZED.

Depsite this... detchment from my perosn, I cried more that dy than I have cried in months, mostly bc I could not have cried at all. So I am wndering what was happenin there?

I was also quite annoyed with the therapist latr for letting me go, even though I did say I was fine. But mainly for coercing me into talking about these tpics that my t should know are dffciult to talk about. I felt thoroughly eff-ed.

P.s.: Typos = OCD. Can't type some words. Also I said I would not apologise for it anymor...

Friends / Re: Overly Sensitive Vs. Setting Boundaries
« on: July 07, 2018, 09:36:13 AM »
I’ll cut people out of my life and INFJ door slam when necessary, but they’ve always been my exception to the rule - because cutting them out of my life would be like cutting a piece of me out, and I don’t want that pain. But for over the past year they’ve really let me down. One of the girl’s has been my best friend for well over a decade. We used to talk every single day. And of course people grow and relationships change, but she’ll go 2-3 months not talking to me, not getting back to my texts, only to pop up and go ‘hey sorry! miss you! love you! just in a bad headspace and taking a break from social media!” Uhm. Yo. I was worried. I was plotting my travels to your house to knock down the door and make sure you’re alive?!?!

I am in a v similar situation with a "BFF". Best friends for almost 15 years, and she says she is sorry for not keeping in touch, because she was busy and that no, she is not re-thinking our relationship and she does have nw friends but some people simply stay in your life forever... except I was told by a fw people that she might be simply using me, because she apparently CAN find time to talk if she needs sth... except we spend 6 days a week together for 13 years and she is the only person I actually care about.

Some of the symptoms I experience include:

- difficulty with modulation of anger and of tendencies towards self-destructiveness
-  addictions and self-harming behaviors;
- amnesias and dissociative episodes and depersonalization
- predominantly negative, low self-worth
-  not being able to trust the motives of others and not being able to feel intimate with them
- self-serving, out to get what they can by whatever means including using/abusing others
- somatization and/or medical problems
- hopeless about finding anyone to understand them or their suffering
- anger, hair trigger flight/flight responses, suicide ideation
 - guilt, self-blame, sense of being completely different from other human beings
- isolation and withdrawal, distrust of others, relationship difficulties, loneliness and feelings of abandonment/rejection

I have to say I do not know whether I was abused, neglected, or traumatized but I have a lot of symptoms of CPTSD. I seem to oscillate between anxiety and anger, with a few days of semi-content peace in between. I have an aversion to touch (hugs, kisses, the elderly favorite cheek-pinch), fear of doctors and anything medical, fear of law enforcement (delusion-like idea: they will see the evil in me and hurt me), and loud noises (barking dogs, fireworks, storms, but also shouting) There are a few gaps where I just do not remember anything, I do have anger issues.  I would drink almost daily after school and/or self-harm when upset by school or family.    I was a "good" kid: polite, quiet, shy (more like scared of people, probably), preferred the company of older people (adults) over peers, solitary activities (books and art esp.). I remember feeling like f. is indifferent, and m. incapable of protecting me

Please, help me figure out if I can have C-PTSD. I am seeing a therapist for OCD currently, but SPD and some dissociative disorder was also suggested as options. I have issues identifying what is an issue or "not normal" and what to bring up and with establishing goals, so I would appreciate any tips and tricks on how to deal with that as well. 

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