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Messages - Debora

Pages: 1 [2]
16
Friends / New friendship breakdown
« on: August 05, 2018, 02:38:48 PM »
Hi all,

I'm feeling pretty upset and hope I can come here to talk about it in a safe place.

I have a neighbour I've been making friends with and it's broken down over the aggressive and frightening behaviour of another neighbour. I'm fairly confident in my decision to back off but it's still upsetting. I need to talk about it but don't feel I can go into the details here. I'm upset. My abdomen is crampy....from stress. I automatically start blaming myself and that's the scariest thing. Does anyone else have experiences of lots of relationships failing? I'm not saying it's a bad thing. People are so mean and judgemental!

17
General Discussion / Fired my support worker agency
« on: August 02, 2018, 02:30:55 AM »
So I just fired the support agency who I had support workers through. I am pretty confident that it was the right decision. Its been a string of crappy even harmful service.  To continue with them feels like not protecting myself against more harm. The problem is now I have no support worker and I feel afraid.

Making the right decisions for myself don't always feel good......is that ok? Is it normal? or does it mean it was the wrong decision?


18
Hi Kizzie,

I am aware of Blue Knot. They have referred me to a 'trauma informed' therapist. She had no idea what she was doing. She actually said to me...I'm at a lost, I apologise'.

I need hope that there is help out there.

19
An organisation here in Australia gave me the name of a psychologist to try out, I had an online session with her, she said she was happy to see me. Then emails me a few days later to say she won't see me.
The same day I hear that my support worker, who I see once a week and like, wont see me anymore because last time we met I was really sad and crying and emotional. The support organisation said to me that support workers are for social support....not emotional support. FFS. I really hate people.

20
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: A Waste
« on: July 24, 2018, 03:35:00 AM »
Thanks for your replies. I just tried a psychologist again out now desperation and she said she doesn't want to work with me. It's safer not to reach out for help when you're hurting and vulnerable. People don't understand and just hurt you more. No one gives a * really despite all the caring facades.

21
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / A Waste
« on: July 23, 2018, 12:34:04 PM »
Topic: Wasted

I am Noone and nothing. I exist, I breathe in and out, I wander through the world in no particular direction except towards death eventually...having never been truly loved, having loved no one, empty, meaningless, purposeless. More than anything alone, so alone.
I spent 40years fighting, trying to get what I needed and vaguely wanted to hope I deserved....to be loved well, unselfishly, unconditionally and to be worthy of protection and safety. To be taught and shown that I had worth. Life doesn't happen till that void is filled, the need met. I have a vacuum and yawning pain inside, always seeking the love and acceptance I didn't get and still need and forever being rejected over and over. Till I stop trying. Because now I know that to the species I belong, I am worthless. Its not fair, its not ok and its not right but humans are cruel and dishonest and disingenuous. Getting angry about it, no matter how justified, just results in more judgement, rejection and blame. Being unloved blazes like a neon sign on my forehead and instead of responding with love and care, humans use it as a warning to stay away. So I have empty wide eyes that stare off to nowhere. Frozen in fear that never got the comfort it needed
A husk of a human. Wasted.


22
Ah,

Thankyou for your post. Its hard to imagine that other people feel the same way I do, but that came through in your post. The hole in my chest in so big. The craving to be loved overwhelms me. I couldn't imagine a worse pain. I feel very hopeless and my life is meaningless. I feel that I am just existing and waiting to die (by natural causes). I need to be loved. Thats all I need. I almost had that with my therapist then she betrayed and abandoned me. Its more than I feel I can survive. This is something I wrote a few days ago.

Topic: Wasted

I am Noone and nothing. I exist, I breathe in and out, I wander through the world in no particular direction except towards death eventually...having never been truly loved, having loved no one, empty, meaningless, purposeless. More than anything alone, so alone.
I spent 40years fighting, trying to get what I needed and vaguely wanted to hope I deserved....to be loved well, unselfishly, unconditionally and to be worthy of protection and safety. To be taught and shown that I had worth. Life doesn't happen till that void is filled, the need met. I have a vacuum and yawning pain inside, always seeking the love and acceptance I didn't get and still need and forever being rejected over and over. Till I stop trying. Because now I know that to the species I belong, I am worthless. Its not fair, its not ok and its not right but humans are cruel and dishonest and disingenuous. Getting angry about it, no matter how justified, just results in more judgement, rejection and blame. Being unloved blazes like a neon sign on my forehead and instead of responding with love and care, humans use it as a warning to stay away. So I have empty wide eyes that stare off to nowhere. Frozen in fear that never got the comfort it needed
A husk of a human. Wasted.


I feel terrified because I am so alone.

23
Other / Re: The Healing Porch - Part 3
« on: July 13, 2018, 10:48:30 AM »
Thanks San. I need to hear that its ok to feel angry. That I am ok to feel angry.

24
Other / Re: The Healing Porch - Part 3
« on: July 13, 2018, 10:22:08 AM »
Hi San,

Thanks for the directions. This is my first visit here. I am feeling frightened and angry. So if this is a magic place, I need a safe place to feel angry where I won't be told off for my emotions or judged.
I imagine a boxing bag on a stand that I can punch as I need to and then probably a safe person to hold me when I need to cry and to validate my feelings and just be compassionate and kind. The kind voice and safety I don't have for myself.

25
Hi,

I am terrified, angry and intensely sad all at the same time. I'm angry that humans haven't given me the love and support and understanding that I needed and STILL don't. I in a rage at the human race! I feel that I want to explode!
At the same time I feel terrified and in so much pain inside from grief. The love I have craved and yearned for but been neglected of my whole life. I NEED it so intensely and only because I've been deprived of it. Instead of just bloody giving me what I need, people back away and blame and judge me, which just makes the need more intense! I just need LOVE!
Why is that so hard. I really hate humans sometimes.

26
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Wasted
« on: July 10, 2018, 07:36:46 AM »
I am Noone and Nothing.  I exist, I breathe in and out, I wander in no particular direction except towards death eventually...having never been truly loved, having loved no one, empty, meaningless, purposeless. I spent 40years fighting, trying to get what I needed and vaguely wanted to hope I deserved....to be loved well, unselfishly, unconditionally and worthy of protection and safety. To be taught and shown that I had worth. A vacuum and yawning pain inside, always seeking the love and acceptance I didn't get and still need and forever being rejected over and over. Till I stop trying. Because now I know that to the race I belong, I am worthless. Its not fair, its not ok and its not right but humans are cruel and dishonest and disingenuous. Getting angry about it, no matter how justified, just results in more judgement, rejection and blame. Being unloved blazes like a neon sign on my forehead and instead of responding with love and care, humans use it as a warning to stay away. So I have empty wide eyes that stare off to nowhere. Frozen in fear that never got the comfort it needed
A husk of a human. Wasted.

27
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Big setback
« on: July 08, 2018, 05:44:30 PM »
Hi,
The relationship with my longterm therapist fell apart in a very traumatic way and its messed me up big time. It feels like a massive setback, that ive lost all the work we did over 5years. I feel so lost and massively let down. It truely broke my heart and its also destroyed my trust in psychologists which puts me in an incredibly difficult position. I need help now more than ever and yet I have no trust in the people I am meant to go to for help. I feel very trapped and angry and a big range of emotions.....rage, fear, intense sadness and grief/loss, huge yearning for the relationship back and painful confusion.
I've tried many other psychologists since then and its like now I just see through them. Also there are some very dodgy people practising out there who are not safe. I've been rejected over and over again. Its like I am on a rollercoaster of rejection. I don't know what to do. I have been advised to put in a complaint about my ex therapist by many people........I need support before I do that though....for my own wellbeing. I don't know where to find someone who understands.


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