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Thanks jazzy and hope I am thankful for the support 
My visit to my therapist went well, and was helpful with some problems this week has produced - I told her about a very tempting opportunity to cause myself more grief and she suggested an excellent solution which I enacted, I was quite proud of myself for 1. Telling her in the first place and 2. Taking her suggestion and actioning it.
I have been a bit bombarded with temptations this past week and have come through it without falling to any.
Such a relief to see this progress.
I also have been realising that my relationship with her has finally reached the point where I am being completely honest with her. It's taken 20 months of weekly therapy to get to this point. That is how on guard I am of trusting people.
I'm worried about the near future as both my parents now have terminal illnesses, I don't feel anything about this at present but realise I will have to face up to dealing with some more emotional turmoil shortly. I don't feel like I'm in any  way ready for any more turmoil, I've had a dreadful year in and out of the psych hospital and under community mental health assessments still.  I just dread the next blow one day , and wish them dead the next. Then feel guilty for being a heartless *.
such is life
Wb

Hi all
I've been away visiting my sister1, she is the only family member that I feel at ease around, as she acknowledges the family's disfunction and the affects it has had.  I don't see her that often as she lives 12hrs drive away.
My therapist has been away on holidays and whenever she goes away I seem to fall into a hole, the last two times she was away I ended up in hospital, so we planned the visit to co- inside with her absence to help me. I still found myself badly triggered when I came home, though came thru it without any distructive behaviour,
I pretty embarrassed that I don't cope with her holidaying, why am I so dependant on her.  I'm severely triggered by abandonment but I know she isn't abandoning me she is just holidaying - I hate that I'm so fragile,
I'm afraid I'm setting myself off again. Starting to think destructively -
So I'm going to go do some art work and calm myself down, I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow that will help I hope. Although once when she cancelled an appointment because she was sick I yelled at her during the next meeting, omg I am humiliated at the meer thought of it. It's the only time I've ever lost my temper at her.
 
Well off to do some calming down
Wb

Thanks everyone I appreciate the encouraging,
My sleep cycle is going well, thankfully.
I've got therapy today, which I think will be hard, I've got some emotional baggage from my visit to my parents, plus a recurring dream I've had since childhood, that I mentioned in passing last week and my therapist mentioned a possible interpretation, I didn't think much about it until I dreamt it again last night and realised she was right, during the dream I realised what was going on. It's a strange sensation working out a dream after dreaming it for 30+ years.
Well I'm pretty anxious now but I'm going to b brave 
Wb

Thanks hope it went well.
I've had a busy week, visited my mum which was ok, had my son come to visit, I went to the local beach for the first time in weeks, I think I've got my sleep cycles back to normal, hopefully.
I struggle a lot with normal day night sleep, the more anxious I get the more likely I'll slip to day sleep night awake.
I'm pretty sure this comes from extreme social anxiety - I become uncontactable even if someone knocks on my door I don't hear them.
So that's my goal this week, sleep nights I don't need to leave the house except for therapy - I feel like I'm rambling
Ok hope you are all well
Wb

Thanks blueberry, I'm planning to go each week for 3 or 4 days, as where I'm living is pretty toxic at the moment, I'm moving as soon as I can sell the house.
Thanks woodsgnome I appreciate your input, yes my inner critic is harassing me a lot. Something to consider, thanks.
Seeing my therapist tomorrow, gets me anxious every week but I look forward to it as well.

Home again, as it started raining, and forecast more.
when I was camping I did find that I could tolerate my emotions for a far longer period than the usual couple of minutes.  I'm starting to feel as though I'm making progress in recovery instead of just trying to stay afloat.
Feeling posative is scary I feel as though I'm being set up for another blow.

Here I am camping by the beach, I just had a midnight swim under the stars, now I'm going to meditate and then sleep, a lovely way to exist.
Wb

Thanks hope and snowdrop,
I've decided to go camping for 3 or 4 days each week, until the house is sold. Get out of this town for as much as possible, so I've prepped my vehicle and packed and when I wake up I'm heading off, I may visit my mum but only if I feel up to it.  Should b good
Wb

Thanks snowdrop and notalone, I slept wonderfully for 12 hrs, it must have helped though, today I'm feeling much better and got some chores done that I've been avoiding due to the anxiety they would usually produce ( having to interact with people) and I wasn't anxious at all.
Had a check up with the mental health team and they were happy with my progress except my eating patterns, so altogether I'm feeling quite posative, my therapist gave me some work to do on trying to recognise anger, it will take a fair bit of work I suspect.
So nice to feel good for a change 

Thanks s&b, I appreciate that.

Had therapy today it was hard again - I cried much more than I ever had before, usually a couple of tears get thru my defences, but I let go today in a much more defenceless way , if that makes sense. I'm so tired now I'm going to bed 5 hrs early, it was very draining.
So good night
Wb

Therapy in the morning, making me a bit anxious as it was hard last week, my therapist is pushing me to let out this emotion but I keep in holding back, she is pretty understanding about it all though I don't feel pressured.
On a good note I've finished cleaning the house, thank goodness, been house shopping online and it's hard to nail down exactly what I want or where - i just know I want to get out of this town where everyone knows my business and years events, the real estate agent selling my place even knew all the details, which he talked all about, I think he was trying to be sympathetic telling me he knew everything - I was just horrified at how much he actually knew, since he has no real connection to me besides being my agent, it will be so nice to actually move.

I've been cleaning up the house for the sales photos, im so sick of it.
I am back into a bad sleeping pattern, seems like everywhere I turn there's another problem to deal with, it's hard for me to cope with. both my daughters are having a really hard time, and I know I've caused them much heartache with my bouts in the psych ward, I just need a stretch of peace and calm.  I'm sure that's why I sleep too much, it's just the safest way to deal with the emotional overload at the moment
Wb

Hi sceal
Sounds like you have had a rough time lately, I really empathise with a lot of your words, and was thinking of the exhibition you were talking of, I hardly ever let anyone see my art, and find it difficult to judge how good it is, though some art I've seen in galleries is not so crash hot, not knowing what your work is like.  Anyway it is a courageous step and you should be proud of your courage instead of worried about the quality. Although I do understand that as I don't have the courage to show my work at all, sorry I think I'm rambling
I just wanted to say it's brave

I'm starting to read about dissociation and treatments, trying to get my mind to settle into a recovery mode - I really want to move forward but I have parts of myself that fight this a lot, I definitly need to be more attentive to my parts.
Hopefully writing here will remind me each day
Wb

Thanks. For my lovely hugs
I am feeling a load better today
I had a good talk with my d2 today, though I'm very tired now and I'm off to bed, just wanted to touch base
wb