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Thanks for all my best wishes with moving. 
I saw my psychologist today, and it was a really hard time, I'm a real mess, I just want to lay in bed all week, but I said I'd have lunch with some friends tomorrow and then I'm having a mental health review assessing how I'm coping out of hospital, so I'd better drag myself out of bed in the morning, I'm depressed just thinking about it.
I feel bad talking so negative, but I can't even be bothered trying.
Wb

Thanks hope
I have put my house on the market, every doctor and therapist I've spoken to has advised me to relocate and I agree, it's a stressful situation selling and moving but my proximity to a number of very traumatic memories is too stressful to stay here.
I hope it's a smooth transition, I don't feel confident that I will cope with too much stress, a number of people have told me to go live or holiday somewhere else in the meantime but I need to prep the house for sale, anyway I think I'll at least need to stay this week to get the house in order. Well that's what I'm busy doing, my daughters will be here tomorrow, so that's going to help.
Well back to work
Xo wb

Thanks jazzy
Yeah the dentist went well, I even found I was encouraged by the self awareness I possessed, I was looking at it as a training session on overcoming anxiety and self soothing and I did really well.

I've had such a dreadful time over this year, at the moment I'm working on myself a lot better, Im wanting to process the years traumas and allow myself to feel and heal. 
Not easy
Wb

Hi hope
Good to catch up on your journal, I've a basically skimmed through and was thankful for your compassion and awareness of your parts /littles, it was a good reminder for me, just yesterday my therapist was telling me to be compassionate to a part of myself I'm struggling with. (A lot) instead I've been trying to push it away.
I've missed you
Xo wb

Thanks for the encouragement 
Today was another posative day, I spent some time with a few friends and did some shopping, all rather nerve racking but I got through just fine, I have a dental appointment tomorrow, which is usually an awful experience for me, though it's my 3rd visit recently and I'm feeling far more confident, he is a good dentist, aware of my anxiety and I feel far more comfortable with him than I ever have sitting in the dentists chair. So hopefully that will continue to be the case, my therapist has given me calming techniques to practice while in the chair and they seem to work well, plus some anxiety meds and I should be fine. (I'm psyching myself up)
xo wb

I'm feeling a bit more posative today, my visit to my therapist was helpful, and helped me focus more on recovery than regrets. I really need to learn to sit with my feelings, not so easy atm though I'm managing it ok in little bites.
Today my daughter went home, and I'm enjoying the alone time, I also had lunch with some friends which was really nice.
xo wb

Thank you so much for that lovely welcome back, I've missed you all.
Each day I'm giving myself some small tasks to accomplish, they are minor at the moment and not too overwhelming.
I am getting them done, which is great.
I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow, my first visit after my latest hospitalisation, so that will probably be hard.  I've been doing a lot more art projects as well, which is a real help in calming my mind.
Well I'm struggling with what to say, so I'll leave it there.
Thanks again for the warm welcome
xo wb

Hello again
I've decided to get back to work on myself, I gave up on all self examination for a few months ( hence my absence here) I was in a bad place, but after my second hospitalisation recently, I'm going to make an effort to get back on track, I'm scared of confronting the issues causing my downward spiral though I realise it's the only way out of this hole.
So I'm going to get my head out of the sand and face up.
It's so nice to see so many of you still here and posting, I will try to catch up with the posts I've missed.
One step at a time though, I'm feeling very fragile.
Wattlebird

Thank you so much everyone, what a lovely welcome back.
I've had my kids here over the last few days and it's been a good time, they are very supportive and understanding, I'm a very fortunate person to have such understanding kids. My behaviour prior to my inpatient stay was extreme and out of control, I am surprised at how understanding they have been. (And grateful)
I'm seeing my psychologist twice a week and mental health assessment teams once a week, to make sure I stay stable,
My antidepressants have been tripled and I've got a low dose antipsychotic as well which works wonders for my anxiety anger and destructive thinking.
We did lots of mindfulness work and I'm trying to stick to those techniques, seems like I have to ground myself constantly.
I'm moving house to get away from the constant triggers in this very small town, so moving again is stressful but staying will be much worse.
I'm Just taking it slowly and trying to minimise triggers.
Thanks again for the support
Wattlebird

Hi hope
Hi everyone
Im home ! Yay! I got home last night from being inpatient for 3 weeks, I'm feeling good, inpatient was a posative experience for me, but I'm glad to be home sleeping in my own bed, I have been given community help as well and have a bunch of follow up appointments, my daughter is coming to stay for a little while, so that will be nice. I'll talk more later, but wanted to update my friends here. Thank you for the support you have sent my way.

Wattlebird

Thanks 3r
I'll be down the porch with u sounds perfect.
I've gone inpatient for a while get my head straight
I may not be around for a little while .
Wattlebird

The trauma in my teens when my parents left me with my psychotic sister they went to a specific country for their holiday, now ex is leaving tomorrow with his new partner to this same country for a holiday, and told me I had to mind the dogs, (I didn't)
this has been so triggering I'm haveing some terrible flashbacks, not to mention the pain of his betrayal, 
today has been better so I'm hopeful that I'm coming through it.

I am very grateful for your kind words, I'm feeling pretty good tonight so I thought I'd give and update to my journal.
This trauma I'm going through has triggered me quite severely, my previous "quiet borderline" has been triggered into full blown outward borderline, so instead of numb, Im over engulfed with so much pain, so I guess I'm no longer dissociating my feeling.
Sometimes it feels like I'm burning alive and I'm expected to think clearly, be thoughtful in my actions and considerate of others feelings, needless to say this takes some practice, I haven't been doing so well either.
Yesterday I believed the men in white coats were going to arrive at any minute. My ex has gone nc on me and I don't blame him either, I'm suprised I don't have a restraining order, I've completely cracked from this quiet people pleaser I used to be, it's so scary and hard for me to get my head around my kids have saved me they have been so good, so supportive what a true blessing they are.
I hate who I've become.

Thanks everyone
I'm doing slightly better, I now have emotions overflowing all over the place, it's really difficult to handle and control, I'm not used to it at all and I hate it.
I've had so much pain and anger I feel as though I'm losing my mind.
My kids are being pretty supportive and I'm so grateful, the small town where I live is alive with the gossip of my ex running off with this chick - buying a local business together and tripping overseas she's pregnant as well. The divorce isn't even finalised and I've been crushed by all this happening over the last 2 weeks, apparently lots of people where in the know but not me.
I'm using all my self control not to do serious harm, it's bought to the surface old abandonment and betrayal traumas which were never dealt with as well as this new trauma.
I haven't even had words to express this stuff, i still am so dumbfounded that 20yrs of marriage was so quickly and callously dumped for some young bimbo with a young family.
I know I sound bitter and angry and I am. Very much so .

Thanks blueberry for telling me you did something similar, and the encouragement, I have to remember it's trauma.
Trigger warning SI
I've got a t session today, think I'll go to the doctors as well while I'm in town, I am not coping at all, if I didn't have my 3 wonderful children, I would not keep trying to live each day.  But I need to for their sake.
End of trigger
Just had another full night of no sleep, my parents tryed to come see me yesterday , I asked them not to, they live a couple of hrs away, but they came anyway, so when they told me they were coming anyway, I left the house until night when I was sure they would be gone. Thankfully they were gone when I went home.
I hope the doctor give me something or I think I'll have to go back to the hospital.