Messages

Thanks andyman73 and sanmagic7
I missed some replys earlier as I'm still getting used to how this works but I really do appreciate the encouragement.
I've read small bits of others journals but it's all a bit triggering so I'm going slowly slowly and not pushing myself.
I like the idea of this journaling online being anonymous, I feel I can b honest and it's good practice in opening up to others in a relatively safe way. Not that I say anything too personal but slowly slowly - Pole Pole ( Swahili )

Well just spent a couple of stress filled days travelling and visiting family - I'm so glad to b home, I'm happy and proud of myself I was sorely tempted to pick up an old addiction of mine but resisted the temptation. 😎

Well another therapy session today we talked about emotions she gave me a better way of thinking about my emotions - it's like I've got a phobia of emotions and we are doing exposure therapy little by little each week slowly getting used to sitting with my emotions.
I like this way of thinking I understand it and see the logic.

I find when I'm stoned I can think about things in a more realistic way - probably because I don't have all this anxiety skewing my vision of life. I'm more in touch with my emotions as well.
It's sad when you act more sensibly and wisely when your stoned than not 

I've been considering what the therapist said the other day about dissociating when I get angry - I really think that's weird I have no recollection of ever being traumatised when I was angry and really if it was a big enough trauma to warrant dissociation than it stand out in my memory shouldn't it? I have clear recollections many other traumas many at the hands of others anger . Wouldn't that be the cause ? She reckons it's to do with my anger 😬

Thanks sanmagic7 it's good to see so many people sharing there knowledge here it's a great resource for us with trauma histories thanks for the encouragement 👍

Im so glad I found this site
I'm beginning to see most of my problems in life stem from complex trauma and not some deficit in my personality / character
This is me as well  I struggle to trust and therefore have very few friends

Well I'm going to give journaling a go, I have never been able to journal before through fear of someone discovering it.
So why not put it on the inet lol
Well I figured no-one knows who the * I am here.
Well I just had a therapy appiontment about the 10 th visit.
I was diagnosed with complex trauma and anxiety disorder about 6 weeks ago, I have had many years of serious depression but I'm pretty good at the moment.
I learnt about dissociating today hmmm
It seems I dissociate when I feel angry
I am struggling to accept my experiences are real even though I have clear memories and clear symptoms. That Diane langberg utube talk on understanding complex trauma really made me feel like it was true and she understood what it was like - I thought I was just unhinged
I feel like hiding where no one knows where I am turn my phone off and just sleep
Well my very 1st journaling experience see if I can keep it up or if I freak out and try to delete any evidence I was ever here 🙄

Hi all
I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now I have been diagnosed with cptsd, my overwhelming problem is I feel like a complete fraud, I constantly have to check my memory for the truth and reassure myself I'm not lying. I feel as though no one will believe me 
I don't even believe me
I'm starting to question my sanity
Is this a commen thing or is it my sanity sliding ??  Or a defence mechanism ? Maybe taught behaviour ?
Thanks all