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Thanks blueberry I appreciate the hugs and compassion

Thanks Libby and jdog I appreciate the support especially at the moment.
Journal
I have written a letter to my exs new partner and posted it in letters of recovery, I'm not sure if I will send it but it was helpful to write anyway.
I got 5 hrs sleep today which was fantastic, I felt much better.
I stupidly rang my m and told her about my weekend and the hospitalisation, police etc and that my exs confession of betrayal, I was crying and really anxious which she picked up on, she started saying how she didn't know why I was upset and I snapped at her, hung up and sent an abusive text telling her off for the trauma she inflicted on me. She never rang back or texted or anything, I have NEVER told my m off in my entire life, I was far too scared of her, so I'm not sure how she will take it.
I'm upset she in unconcerned at my well being but really should have known better,
It's seems I have lost my careful self control,
My ex has gone to the city to introduce his new women to the kids, my s and d1 refused to meet her but d2 went as he was going to give her money to pay for her therapy, and that's the only way he would give it to her, I told her to go.
She said it was totally awkward.
What a mess

I've written this Wednesday 27th March but will talk to my psych before sending it as I don't want to behave badly and I'm not 100% sure of my motivations in sending this.
If she is ok with it I will send it.

Hi F
I told B I was going to tell u this and he said that was ok with him.
I just wanted to let u know a couple of things. I know B has told you I am crazy, I have a diagnosis of complex trauma, (which is not psychosis at all) I can give you a letter from my psychologist if you doubt my words, which I will fully understand if you do. I know I became unhinged on the weekend, but the hospital and my psychologist both have said I am severely traumatised not psychotic.
I have complex trauma from spousal abuse and childhood abuse, b's smear campaign has been rather good, telling everybody in town I'm a psycho, I hope you are familiar with narcissistic abuse and gaslighting if not look it up, just be aware, the kids believe he is a narc, B2 thinks he is a sociopath, I asked B to look it up and get treatment but he always refused to acknowledge any fault and gets angry that I would even suggest he is in any way at fault for anything. I advised him not to try and control you if he wants to make it work, I hope he can stick to that, I told him I wanted you to know all this and he said he was going to tell you, but I'm not sure if he will.
I can give you evidence, my children will tell you the same if you don't trust me.
Ask him about the time he hung our dogs, or made B2 shoot a lamb when he was 5 against his will. I don't want to list every event but he grew up drowning neighbours cats and thought it was funny. There's many many examples of his lack of empathy. Show him this and ask him if I've lied about anything in this letter. Maybe he will lie, but he is usually honest because he thinks he has done nothing to be ashamed of.
I really do love children and wouldn't want your kids to end up in therapy like mine.
I hope he can pull things together, I don't expect you to leave him or anything, I don't want him back at all, but watch his behaviour and stick to your boundaries.
I really loved him enormously but had to leave for my own mental health. It cut so bad to see how little he actually cared about me or my feelings.
He says I left him years ago but he bought his father to live with us in the lounge room of a 2 room house (lounge and bedroom (without ever asking me if that was ok) and trying to live in a doorless house with his father was impossible, I got no sleep or privacy and so started sleeping in the granny flat, I wasn't intending to leave, and told him this at the time, but needed some personal space, I think he just uses it as an excuse to make himself feel better.
I won't contact you again.
Wattlebird
Ps I'm sorry about my behaviour over the weekend and hope it didn't affect you in any way. I am very ashamed of myself.

I had the same thought, I just went for a 2hr walk.

Thanks 3r i will look into it - I'm still awake but feeling way calmer, I'm still struggling with very destructive thinking, but I am controlling my behaviour which feels like a massive effort constantly, every time I relax to sleep my thoughts go hay wire suggesting all types of bad ideas.

Thanks Libby it does help, I'm so sorry about your children, and your pain, I can't imagine what I would do if my children didn't want to talk to me, it's the only thing keeping me going, these last three days have been horrendous, I did at least go to the police and sorted things out, it was a miscommunication from the mental health team, the police thought my ex lived here and we both had guns - but it was quickly sorted. Thankfully because in truth I could have been arrested or given a restraining order, I have been quite out of control, today though I think I'm through the worst of it. I'm restraining my behaviour much better, my t helped a lot.
I just need some sleep, please!!!! I may have to go get some sleep meds tomorrow, but I hope not, I don't want to leave the house.

Thanks notalone and 3r
I came home today from my friends and I've got a card from the police on my front door, I've organised to see my t this afternoon, I hope I'm not going to be arrested. Don't think so, but its a bit unnerving to arrive home to.

Thank you everyone
I've just realised the truth of something that making me feel a bit better and wanted to note it.
I am utterly traumatised, I'm not crazy !
I am traumatised, they told me this at the hospital but it only just hit me, when I realised this fully, I gave myself some forgiveness for my extreme behaviour over the last few days.

I am going to hang out here tonight and maybe do some drawings, listen to a book, and try to calm my agitation down.

Thank u for your support it's helpful to know you guys are here for me.
Well the last few days have been crapola (as San would say) I think I've finally lost the plot, been acting out something fierce, ended up in hospital with the mental health team, they have drugged me up and sent me to a friends, and confiscated my firearms    so that's where I'm at.

Thank u

My ex came around today and told me that he has a girlfriend and has had for about 6 weeks.
we only broke upon December - so much for his broken heart he kept crying about, this has hurt me more than the divorce, what an *, I was meant to go away for the weekend visiting friends but all I want to do is curl up and mourne - i can't believe how devestated I am, I wasn't this upset at our seperation maybe it's all just hitting me now, I'm so angry and can't stop crying, I can't go away like this, but my two daughters want me to go see them as they can't get to me and their pretty shattered as well.
Ow yeah and she's pregnant but apparently not his. Ffs he wants the kids to meet her they are dumbstruck.
I have been trying to sleep, I let the tears flow until I started vomiting so I had to get this out and write about it.

I've been taking a break from introspection and therapy type stuff this week, and I've been feeling better, a lot less anxiety, I've been doing a little project at home and I am quite pleased with the results. I was reflecting on why I have been so satisfied with this project and why I feel differently about it to others I've done and I think it's because I'm doing this because I want it, not for someone else telling me what to do.  I have no husband telling me what I'm doing wrong or telling me it's a stupid idea, I have been self motivated, and the lack of criticism has made a tonne of difference to my work. No anxiety!!
It's been wonderful actually, 

 

Thanks Hope
I appreciate it
Journal
I have therapy tomorrow and I'm feeling anxious about it, so I thought I'd write about it.
I'm anxious about a full emotional melt down, I've been feeling the pain more and more each week and I'm terrified of breaking down completely - I do realise this is probably inevitable and enormously beneficial but doesn't mean I'm not terrified of it all the same.

Hi sharpandblunt
Sounds like you've been on a bit of a roller coaster lately sorry you're going through these realisations, just a little advice if you don't mind me butting in,
Be careful not to let others take advantage of you, not everything is going to be your fault. I made this mistake after a similar situation and ended up thinking everything was my fault. So thought I'd just pass that on.
Best wishes