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Messages - Wattlebird

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Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: July 29, 2018, 11:30:38 AM »
Why am I doing this ?
It's a challenge now, I want to beat this trauma , it's run my life from my very earliest memories
What will I do with myself - who will I be?
It's a bit scary

Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: July 28, 2018, 05:37:55 AM »
This anxiety is making me feel sick (nauseous).  I find I have to make an effort to remember to eat because I have no appetite - I'm losing weight pretty fast for someone not dieting which isn't too bad, as I could lose some more but I'm sure starvation diets aren't the best idea. So I am going to make an effort to eat healthier.
I have this therapist the more she knows about me  - i was taught from a young age to not tell anyone my problems and i certainly learnt well,

Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: July 26, 2018, 12:13:21 PM »
My daughter just got a probable diagnosis of bpd. I looked it up and it fits her exactly - there just going to check a few symptoms over time before giving a definite diagnosis but I doubt it will change.
I'm not sure how I feel, Sad I think
See my T tomorrow we can address that then I think

Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: July 26, 2018, 11:43:27 AM »
Yes deep blue that does sound very similar, sometimes I think it's better to feel nothing, well most times really
But feeling is healing as they say - I used to do extreme sports when I was younger and I think I enjoyed feeling that fear because I felt so little it made me feel alive.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Nobody takes care of me
« on: July 24, 2018, 01:10:28 PM »
Well deep blue I just want to tell u that when I read your post I was overwhelmed with the desire to give u a big hug 🤗 This has NEVER happened to me before I never hug or like being hugged - so it was such a shock to me that I realised this is exactly how I've felt before and I know how crushing that feeling is - so you really helped me see somethings about myself, thank you for sharing and sending little cyber-hugs your way

Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: July 24, 2018, 12:28:56 PM »
Thanks andyman73 and sanmagic7
I missed some replys earlier as I'm still getting used to how this works but I really do appreciate the encouragement.
I've read small bits of others journals but it's all a bit triggering so I'm going slowly slowly and not pushing myself.
I like the idea of this journaling online being anonymous, I feel I can b honest and it's good practice in opening up to others in a relatively safe way. Not that I say anything too personal but slowly slowly - Pole Pole ( Swahili )

Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: July 24, 2018, 11:54:47 AM »
Well just spent a couple of stress filled days travelling and visiting family - I'm so glad to b home, I'm happy and proud of myself I was sorely tempted to pick up an old addiction of mine but resisted the temptation. 😎

Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: July 20, 2018, 12:25:27 PM »
Well another therapy session today we talked about emotions she gave me a better way of thinking about my emotions - it's like I've got a phobia of emotions and we are doing exposure therapy little by little each week slowly getting used to sitting with my emotions.
I like this way of thinking I understand it and see the logic.

Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: July 18, 2018, 06:44:04 AM »
I find when I'm stoned I can think about things in a more realistic way - probably because I don't have all this anxiety skewing my vision of life. I'm more in touch with my emotions as well.
It's sad when you act more sensibly and wisely when your stoned than not 

Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: July 15, 2018, 09:58:22 AM »
I've been considering what the therapist said the other day about dissociating when I get angry - I really think that's weird I have no recollection of ever being traumatised when I was angry and really if it was a big enough trauma to warrant dissociation than it stand out in my memory shouldn't it? I have clear recollections many other traumas many at the hands of others anger . Wouldn't that be the cause ? She reckons it's to do with my anger 😬

Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: July 15, 2018, 09:45:53 AM »
Thanks sanmagic7 it's good to see so many people sharing there knowledge here it's a great resource for us with trauma histories thanks for the encouragement 👍

Friends / Re: Why is it so hard to make friends
« on: July 14, 2018, 12:21:54 PM »
Im so glad I found this site
I'm beginning to see most of my problems in life stem from complex trauma and not some deficit in my personality / character
This is me as well  I struggle to trust and therefore have very few friends

Recovery Journals / Wattlebirds journal
« on: July 13, 2018, 03:28:48 AM »
Well I'm going to give journaling a go, I have never been able to journal before through fear of someone discovering it.
So why not put it on the inet lol
Well I figured no-one knows who the * I am here.
Well I just had a therapy appiontment about the 10 th visit.
 I was diagnosed with complex trauma and anxiety disorder about 6 weeks ago, I have had many years of serious depression but I'm pretty good at the moment.
I learnt about dissociating today hmmm
It seems I dissociate when I feel angry
I am struggling to accept my experiences are real even though I have clear memories and clear symptoms. That Diane langberg utube talk on understanding complex trauma really made me feel like it was true and she understood what it was like - I thought I was just unhinged
I feel like hiding where no one knows where I am turn my phone off and just sleep
Well my very 1st journaling experience see if I can keep it up or if I freak out and try to delete any evidence I was ever here 🙄

Therapy / Feel like a fraud
« on: July 10, 2018, 02:12:53 PM »
Hi all
I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now I have been diagnosed with cptsd, my overwhelming problem is I feel like a complete fraud, I constantly have to check my memory for the truth and reassure myself I'm not lying. I feel as though no one will believe me 
I don't even believe me
I'm starting to question my sanity
Is this a commen thing or is it my sanity sliding ??  Or a defence mechanism ? Maybe taught behaviour ?
Thanks all

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