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Messages - Foxbrown

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: New and Struggling
« on: August 02, 2018, 02:02:00 PM »
Thank you for your replies. Sorry for the delay I have not been able to log in on my phone and post for some reason! But I have been able to read the messages and it has given me great relief to know that all I am going through is a normal part of the recovery. Boatsetsailrose thanks for those tips, I am also in the UK and will check out acoa now.
SE7 I'm so sorry you can relate to my situation, what a horrendous one it is! Do you mind me asking how long you have been aware?

I have confided to 3 close friends this week, all of which I didn't think would take me seriously or want to spend any time talking about me. How wrong was I. I have been thinking my friends don't care about me as I just must be programmed to think that but it couldn't be further from the truth. I have had hugs and support from all of them individually and all of them have said they believe me and will be there for me through anything. I have been completely over whelmed. I even got a bunch of flowers delivered from my best friend with a note thanking me for all of the support ive always given her over the years and that now it's her turn to repay the favour, I'm truly bowled over. I feel terrible for ever thinking they wouldn't support me. I guess I've just never had the courage to ask for it before. There are good people in the world, in my life! I just need to realise not everyone is out to get me.

Other / Re: CPTSD and Misophonia
« on: July 26, 2018, 08:05:12 PM »
Thank you all for your replies. Although I hate that offers suffer from the * that is Misophonia, it does make me feel less alone in this struggle.
My trigger noises are mostly centred around my main abuser, my narcissistic mother. Even her drinking a cup of tea in front of me unleashes a fury like no other.
Eating and cutlery noises affect me the worst. I think from being raised in an angry household with lots of loud noises, slamming of doors, chucking cutlery into the drawer in anger has left me on edge whenever I hear similar noises. Itís truly debilitating. Oh to know life without this pain.
Otillie living in the woods alone sounds amazing. I love quiet time by myself.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / New and Struggling
« on: July 25, 2018, 07:52:59 AM »
Hi. I am looking for some words of encouragement. After a couple of weeks feeling that I was starting to get on top of this, I have now sunk back down to distress. I have only been aware of CPTSD for the last 3 months, and I am doing everything I can think of to take care of myself. However, I cannot see an end to the suffering. This really is torturous and all consuming. I am afraid and alone. I see now how I have surrounded myself with takers. I don't have one person in my life that I feel I can really turn to. How awful is that. My whole life I have been everyone's sounding board, everyone's go to for help/support/words of wisdom. Now I need some help it's like a tumbleweed moment. I know CPTSD is hard to explain. As is emotional abuse and family scapegoating, I can't believe this is all happening to me and I don't know how to get better.

I am having therapy with a specialist in Narcissistic mothers through her own experience, which does help. But I don't feel she has a true grasp of CPTSD. I am reading Pete Walkers from surviving to thriving, which is so close to home I cry at every chapter as I have my "ah ha that's what's happening " moment. But I am so angry that my own family have caused me to have this horrendous injury that has blighted my life. Their treatment of me as scapegoat has pretty much set me up to fail as I now have no one loving around me to get me through this. I do have a partner, however I have definitely selected a taker and emotionally void person. I try to explain things to him but he just either doesn't get it or doesn't care. I am now starting to pull apart our relationship as I am now questioning everything and everyone in my life.

I have a young child, who is the centre of my universe and without him I don't know if I could have kept going these last few months. I will do anything to protect my baby from this insidious abuse, and for that reason I am determined to stay strong and get out the other side. I just need a bit of help to remember this isn't my fault. That I don't deserve this. That I am a good, kind person. That it will get better. That I am entitled to a happy life.

I'm just so scared. As a very brief explanation I am my family scapegoat. My UNPD M, Enabling F and GC Sibling are people I want to cut all contact with. But it's very hard and I am currently in a very difficult situation where this just isn't possible for the time being. I am however very low contact, which is helping. But every time I get a hoovering message from any of them it is like I have been body slammed into a wall and I am left slumped on the floor for days afterwards. I can't believe these people are my family. Everyone loves them! I will come away with no one as it is just accepted that I am the trouble maker and crazy one. This was even accepted by me until 3 months ago when an incident lead me to realise that rather than being a bad person, I have actually been abused my entire life by those that were meant to protect and love me.

A little before this incident occurred, I can remember thinking during one of my catastrophizing movie clips ( where I picture myself dying in a car accident if I go out somewhere unplanned, or I will get blown up by a terrorist attack if I go to a shopping centre, or I will be caught in a fire if I go to the cinema and won't be able to get out, or if myself and my partner go out together we will both be killed in some terrible accident and leave our little boy orphaned, that I will be raped if I go for a run in the local park, the list goes on and basically means I don't really go anywhere other than "safe" places anymore ) that maybe it would be a good thing if I did die. That maybe then my little boy could get a "sane" mummy that didn't worry all the time. My partner would be able to choose a lovely new person that he didn't have to walk on eggshells around and would be able to go out on date nights with, and maybe, his new woman would be able to be nice to my parents and not be on edge and irritable around them all the time. Maybe then everyone could get a better replacement for me and then everyone would be happy and I at least wouldn't have to suffer anymore.

This was a genuine thought. In no way at all did I ever think this to be suicide ideation, I just thought this could be a solution to this never ending problem. I can only think that the incident that occurred happened for a reason, to bring me to the realisation that it isn't actually me after all and that there is a way out. I just need a bit of help to keep going on this track as it really is bloody hard.

Other / CPTSD and Misophonia
« on: July 16, 2018, 06:32:33 PM »
Hi All.

Iím new to this site and slowly finding my way around, so please let me know if Iím posting in the wrong place.

I was wondering if any other CPTSD sufferers also suffer with a condition called Misophonia ( hatred of sound ) I saw a link to the two conditions somewhere and thought I would see if anyone else is affected. Misophonia has to be my worst symptom, hearing a trigger noise can send me into a complete wreck for days on end 😞 hoping getting this CPTSD under control will see my symptoms lessen a little?

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