Messages

All,

I respectfully request that if you have a long post see if you can break it up into two or three subjects (even part 1,2, and 3).  Also, please use paragraphs.  I really want to read every post and support everyone here.  I have a hard time concentrating and I find it difficult, if not impossible, to get through long posts.  I believe if you can break it up you will get more feedback.

Thank you,
Dee

I was afraid of that too, even for myself.
Since we all need to express, but at the same time a balance is needed I guess.

While this should not be a hard rule written in stone I propose (and I will try to follow it from now on since I want to reach out fellows, and read other stories): To keep a 5 lines (arbitrary number) summary, and a lengthy text as a seconds part. A simple scheme, not mandatory.

What do you think admins and members?

Sunny

To be honest, since you are asking for opinions, I would not watch what you have described.   

Well, good to know and I understand. By opinions, I mean people (professionals) that are not a narc and are informed. And opinions from people that's on the way to recovery just like me.
I mean, I have my POV, but everybody has a one... that's why I joined this forum and talk to other people. Remember that my goal, for now, is not ourselves... since it may be triggering, but for people who still don't get it. Especially professionals that aren't up to speed, but some are.

Like our other friend said, YouTube is plenty of EXCELLENT material, some of that made me realize that I'm recovering from CPTSD (didn't even knew the acronym).
But now I know... and that's good news.

I can tell you this, it will have a POV and some people may and will disagree with it. But my key points are simple: CPTSD is real, and both personal and public awareness is good.

Best,
Sunny

[We tend to be very creative and smart people, we are being told (or used to be told) we are not. Which as we know: it isn't the case at all.]

I see you are buying a lot of books Sunny, I hope this means you were able to get the money to move. Anyway, I wanted to mention that there are lots of videos on YouTube about having Complex PTSD if you want to have a look.

Hello,

   Yes indeed, and asking professionals and survivors like us.

I've been watching many YT, Vimeo channels/Videos (Way often), assisting to live chats, reading a lot online (carefully with a critic mind), and I've been in therapy for about +10 years (psychological and psychiatric for the panic attacks) way back since in the early 2000's)... plus, well... my own life.

What I haven't seen on Youtube, Vimeo and mainstream media like Netflix is: a compelling, easy way to reach out"normal" people.
I want to explain to them what it is like to live in the aftermaths of this sempiternal hellish event, without repeating my stories over and over, and being triggered sometimes naturally... or at least being unable to resume it / make it short properly. And it's a bit... exhausting.
So this is driving me towards something with meaning. In a serious way.

You're right, I've bought From Surviving to Thriving, What's wrong with you Dad? and others... and it won't stop there.

Oh, I currently study music therapy as a second career/profession in the University, it includes tons of psychology from many schools of thought.
This motivates me quite a bit! since I've felt stuck for CPTSD-heavy related reasons from 2012... after being into my family narcissistic house again, imagine that... (I've thought it would be for 4 months and I'm still here, coming and going and still attempting). For many reasons but I guess you can imagine.

I've been also in cognitive recovery, in a free and open guided group (I've really studied many books there),
and I sometimes visit forums (actually only this one as it is way enough for me for now and the members are nice and the broad of topics is simply amazing).

So, yes, I'm doing my homework...

In my job I use to professionally work with music (composer producer, etc), work with and as voice-over professional... some done in the States and some in other countries, translation works, and fortunately (actually following my gut feelings) have contacts in the mainstream media world, at least enough...
So I think it worth a shot, seriously.

I love that the awareness is increasing in mainstream shows like the Netflix / CBS S.T. Discovery (There's an episode about PTSD even when we talk about CPTSD). That's great!

While in the last two years I'm on a speed healing curve, just a few months ago I finally 'get it', and all the pieces fell into place. So simple!

Thanks to many of the mentioned activities, it was only this year that all the information I've gathered over decades felt into place. 

We tend to be very creative and smart people, we are being told (or used to be told) we are not. Which as we know: it isn't the case at all.

I'm also in contact with institutes from Australia and my country. And I'm preparing now to exchange opinions a place from Japan (there's a very interesting institution in Tokyo).

The twist about what I'm trying to create is to make a triggering, emotional, put in my shoes for a minute film.
A bit explicit, maybe  (some drawings and acting)... It certainly won't be emotionally easy for me, but I can do it.
Because at the same time, the value of this drives me forward!

Thanks in grand part to online places like this one, and people like you guys.

Love,
Sunny

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otxAuHG9hKo

Where can I find a therapist like this?

Wow, she's amazing. Such an intelligent and empathic woman.

Dear peers,

today I've had the idea of expressing myself with a serious, well done, documentary. Covering the effects of this exact pattern everywhere.

I don't want to expose myself since I'm still surviving inside a very abusive family. Anyway, I'm gathering and buying many books on this huge topic, in order to increase public awareness. Especially in the science community.

I want to use a pseudonym, I think it is legal and bounding.

Anyway, what do you think of this? I want to show extreme pain and triggering (for us) situations so "they" can actually feel a bit of our messy life and work for thriving and recovering.

It is work for me, and it is something with meaning... what do you think? Is this a good idea. I want to do it "explicit" (not sexually explicit), but I want to show people crying nonstop every single night for physical abuse (like spanking without motive), and mental brutal abuse when we grow and its effects.

I want to have an extreme care of not "excite" people but to feel (and understand thru empathy our pain).

It will be hard so I need your emotional support and wisdom because it will be like a cognitive therapy approach for me. But I CAN.

First I will create a simple trailer...
Please share your opinions, I will hear all the points of view, and try to do my best. Even while this is triggering for me...

Love,
Sunny

[Sunny]

Hi!

If the staff is OK with that, I can do it (and in a very private way). It's easy for me because of my experience.
I cannot work well for myself yet, but I can help you. 20 years of experience.

Looking forward,
Sunny 

[Sunny]

Hello dear peers,

There's a slight enhancement with huge repercussions. We all know they are stalkers, in extremis.
I've noticed the forum isn't encrypted, not https. I can help you willingly and free to change that. I'm an experienced software developer and this will give me a good feeling like I can help myself and others a bit.
Microsoft consultant, I've worked for banks and the government.

Let me know.

Love,
Sunny

[getting rid from the non essential things]

Hello friends,

I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to reply, not because of lack of time or things like that. But because is somehow a passive triggering for me this topic. But I've read all the replies, and in fact, as I type this I'm following many good pieces of advice, like getting rid from the non essential things, and asking for help (I haven't received anything from my two "friends", which is a good signal to keep some distance from them).

Money, yes, I have some synths and computers that are quite expensive, thanks to my work in the near past. The thing or my fear is that I will need them to create my money, work. (Music and software development mainly)... But there are many (many) things that I can publish, and that's OK... but it will take more time. I'll have to do it I guess...

I hope this thread is useful for many survivors that are still in this position. I'm also considering getting back to the usual normal works I've used to do. It's hard, it's like a wall between me and the idea of earning deserved money... I have no problem with starting from 0, from scratch so to speak. But there's a mental wall, my physician is somewhat helping me and a medication helps to break that wall with a cost (less focus).

You know? I was even considering (for a moment) taking a loan, a small one. But my gut feeling is telling me not to, there are many other ways... it's amazing that I only need 400 bucks to survive... while I've earned that little amount in a week years ago, and more without difficulty.

I'll keep you posted and I will try to keep it simple and short, my story isn't more important than yours. But it helps me a LOT to express among peers. And I really appreciate it.
                                                 
All the best to you, and keep on moving forward (I say this to myself and to you guys).

Sunny,
Argentina

Hello, have anyone being in this situation. After a disastrous depletion of resources and work and money (I've always worked and earned quite OK!), now I have a small place to escape from 2 abusers, decades of abuse as you may guess.

But I don't want to leave my computers, expensive keyboards, and specially: 3 huge boxed of DVDs full of personal information of all kind, documents (both digital and in paper),. Takes a lot of energy, time and I don't know how to escape.

Any advices, hard to think outside the box right now...

thanks,
Sunny

Yes indeed,

Some of us are prescribed with some drugs that alters memory as well. Music is a great helper, try to use not-triggering music, but good memories music, our memory improves and our mood too.

Thank you for sharing this... I'm going to print and found those books, since the DSM is something very relevant of course. Let's cross fingers for a new (and positive) update,

[we have them]

Hello Luke!

...struggled all my life with the effects of the abuse and abandonment I was exposed to as a child ( anxiety, low self-esteem, shame, self-hatred, etc. ). I have had difficulty keeping jobs

Oh yes... even when we are extremely capable of doing things we are programmed or traumatized and break down if we don't have the tools. Fortunately, we have them.

Yes, one medicine after another... in my case from the "classic" Xanax-like (benzo) 4-hours window for years, then Clonazepam (12-hours window)... because when I was 18-19 I've suffered from the first panic attack, in the middle of the street thinking and feeling that I was going to die (and all that horror jazz)--.
So they (my toxic parents) called a cheap ambulance and "gave me" that terrible drug, so addictive!

My family (I was living there) denied the problem and never went to a therapist, so after years of Xanax it became a must for the bodie... and there are no positive effects since a looong time ago, only withdrawal effects.

Nowadays I can handle it way better. A few years ago I've been prescribed with Pregabalina which *in some cases* helps me to reduce the withdrawal symptoms and stop the benzo.
Please anybody who read this: don't harm yourself, and take only what your doctor tells you. I've seen it, no 2 bodies are the same!

Anyway, keeping a job was terrible like you said, but I feel things are going to improve. Today I'll restart the University and in September I'll move into my own little apartment, and then I will accept a fulltime work (I have too many requests),
But I want and need to feel ok first.

I know I may have to take medication all my life, but I want to improve my day to day life standard. We all deserve that.

Then in the early 2000's I worked with a very competent therapist who was able to help me recognize the truth about my childhood as well as to open up and grieve about the damage done.

That encourages me to try harder to find a good one. One who understands Complex Abuse. I'm very glad for you, and that statement alone gave me more faith that I will find one.
...
Good luck on your journey and on finding the support you need.
[/quote]

Thank you!! I know you mean it!

Let's enjoy life, thanks for sharing your story...
We're all in this together.

Sunny
P.S.: I'm not from the States, but trust me, this happens everywhere in the same way, it's like a modus operandi written in stone, isn't it?
We can.

Hello BeHea1thy,

First of all, thank you to all of you, I'll reply personally later.
As I'm currently trying to literally "escape" from the stuck situation that I'm in (once more).

[/size]

I'm glad that you see support in terms of talking, laughing and sharing. We do that too! Parts of the forum are dedicated exclusively to non-trauma experiences and the regular "stuff" of living.
[/size]

Yes, it I may sound fun and too optimistic, it's because because in the moment I wrote that I was getting huge news about a place where I can live... *breathe* , and be able to recover and focus on jobs, study (I need to constantly adapt because software is evolving at such a fast rate) to work in peace (where I am I can even have 15 minutes of peace, and I really miss that feeling). And can't study, nor do the work I used to do, or have friends...
So, there was momentum and that gave me courage to share with peers. And I was happy to see there're peers here where we can support each other.


Oh, and I didn't want to make a "drama" impression in my very first post, because that's not who I really am... that's what my family do and I don't want to imitate them. This problem is extremely serious for me, and complex (no pun intended) at this very moment. I'll try to be always sensitive where I post and what I post with trigger warnings and respect. It's something automatic since one can see each other even if they are in different situations... but abuse is abuse always. And we can feel the pain.


This post was written after a huge "a-ha" moment months ago. It may seem fast, but I really need to connect and that gave me the required desired to overcome any barrier. That and because of my therapy, back in 2000s. And the "real", more serious one in 2010, from both sides psychological and psychiatric, sometimes 2 times a week.


I didn't want to suffer any more, and knew there was an advance both in science and knowledge on this kind of topics (cognitive therapy for example), so that gave me enthusiasm... although I don't feel my therapists really "get it". Of course, I will continue with both approaches but I may switch to a more specialized professionals.  This peer-to-peer forum, and the books I read are simply a must.


The situation is complex, I'm stuck in my dysfunctional family, living with both perpetrators. It's amazing how they can follow you wherever you go, work, friends, lovers and they even try to contact my therapist (which can't say anything about me but it feels uncomfortable nevertheless).

My little room is my inner sanctum, but they've hidden the key. Thankfully I've got it back, but the peace I felt once in life, is still missing.


Sorry for the long post, I'll try to make them better and approachable.


Thank you for the warm welcome!
SunnyDays (glad you like the name )

It's been a very short time when I realized what was really going on (I went thru many philosophies and information for decades), but now I can sing happier than ever before this song:

Live, modern version
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZFET-MM0QI

Original version (both are good)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ab6s_ZvPQOE

Hello,

    As you may already know, "they" are very very very privacy invaders. And in this digital age, it's so easy to hire someone or do it yourself for them to know almost everything about you. I'd like (if you want) to teach about security, that's my field (for free since I want to share all my discoveries and this is my fields). Is there anyone interested?

Sunny.: