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Blueberry, writing was a challenge for me in the first few decades of it, the way my mind organizes words and thoughts naturally, is not legible to most folk — so I do overcompensate from too many years of being misunderstood.

Calling a helpline may work for those times when nothing else is there. Sending you good thoughts for what you need.

Stick with it and many good thoughts for the tide to turn soon.

wss, sorry to hear about your rough night last night. it sounds like you are ‘on it,’ despite the bad feeling.  Not all days feel bright. I remember reading somewhere about how seeds need darkness to germinate, I imagine this when I feel sadness and anger, acknowledging the growing happening in the darkness. When I wrote ‘on it’ it means when one is living out the changes they want, there are growing pains that need compassion. Gotta love that self care! Honey and lemon drink — yummmm

It sucks to know that about your parents and to find out the way that you did. But hey - YOU are a fish  Now that you know - the possibilities abound

Thanks Ellis :  )

  Mangia!!!

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I realise this might sound depressing, but I am able to write about it because I have somewhat accepted this truth. I have always wondered what that hole is, why I sometimes feel it stronger and other times barely at all. Usually I denied its existance but I realise now that it is just as real as my thoughts and feelings are.

Cookido After reading your last post a few days ago, it hit a little close to home - so I took the time away so I could reply to you in a meaningful way.

‘I have always wondered what that hole was’ I sense a bit of dark humor - hehehe. I get it. The humor and the hole. (I just recalled a relevant short story** see below) Not that I know what its like to be where you are but I have wondered about how I could recreate that unconditional love feeling. I, too, can not recall feeling unconditional love as a toddler and on through the teen years by my birth parents. Although my parent talked about it and gave me examples of it (he was an ethics professor) as if he knew I didn’t feel it but wanted to give me what he could to help me to recognize it —- accepting the truth about it, does make it bareable to share.

I do believe that unconditional love can come from anyone (including one’s self) that is willing to go there  —- and that ‘anyone’ will change over the years. I write this because it has happened to me — my experience is a bit different than yours but similar in a cold dark way, with a little love to push it along: the coldness felt like I was in pieces and parts of me kept falling off, sometimes I didn’t even notice it, I was leaving parts of myself everywhere, (Monty Python comes to mind)  a bit of a mess really, until one day the pieces came together (loosely)  and binded; they binded each time I experienced unconditional love (rare), reinforcing the connection between the pieces. It’s still happening.

Your acknowledgment of the hole in your chest as real, puts everything out on the table, scars and all — in fact where you are now shows the work you have done to take care of this part of yourself  —- its being shaped while you write about it and when you expose it to people you care about, giving them the choice to step up. The hole may not be filled as you state but maybe something else will happen —-  here is to your adventure in knowing and feeling love! A Chinese tea toast for you. (An act of good wish that I do when drinking obscure Chinese teas for healing) May you know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally.

Cookido thank YOU for sharing your journal —- it is helping me to feel and think about love and the meaning of life in a different way that I am used to. A conversation like this is rare for me and shared with a select few —  I love it! I also feel pretty good about inspiring your reflections.

**in the story, what came to mind are the vivid descriptions of the Count being cut in two by a canonball (loss of innocence) and how he lived through it - Il Visconto Dimezzato by Italo Calvino

Something else. If unconditional love can come from one’s self — are we also capable of being our own mother and father?

Do it!! Go for it!! 
That's what i felt - giddiness when I did it. It was a relief.

m

Three Roses you are always there to cheer me on — your unwavering presence is felt.

Blueberry For so many years there was never one till now. It is a combination of my writing (trying to be clear with my heart)  and the connection I have with this family member —- her mother passed away recently; her presence in my life was a gift, I was a lost child with a steady heart and she reaffirmed me.

LilyITV yes, it was a surprise to hear from the one family member —- the apology was unexpected. I was hoping to start a conversation about our family because I am not the only one hurting in the family, the pain of many is collecting and not going anywhere. the possibility of this happening with one person is something. Thank you for your cheer —- I need it to keep drawing lines.

Three Roses Your hug is appreciated.
sanmagic7  I never thought of it as an adventure, jumping over the hole. I am veering off — thank you for that and for accepting me.
Ellis You picked up on the repetition —- It is in sync with the beat; the need to stretch myself. thank you for your encouragement, especially about my writing.

About the journal. This recovery journal is a token for me to read when I feel myself slipping into depression. Depression is not sadness. I prefer just to feel sad, it’s healthier for me.  A few days ago I read a beautiful post about being in search of one’s self. The member wrote about their progress as a gift to be read in a time of need. That is what this journal is about. I need to make a rope to toss myself when I fall into the hole. The rope allows me to be sad without falling in. I am able to start this journal because I am content. The strength I feel gives me energy to change old patterns.  I am content, yet in a maelstorm; my life shifting is rapid but my internal clock/beat/hum is steady and calm. Sadness will come; I want to be prepared so I can grow into the person I am becoming. While I let this happen, there will be takeaways in the journal for readers that want it. 

And its structure. My thoughts are not linear. I posted the About section afterwards; my need to write can be impulsive, and about me, not *censoring the natural state of my mind. To those reading, you could wait for the structure to reveal itself or not —- either way, you are seeing me become more clear. I use symbolism often but in the case of this journal, take it as it is and not what it might be, unless it helps you in some way.

*the natural state of my mind writes illegibly to most, so I do need to use writing structures so I can be understood

Before reading, look below for my post ‘About the journal’. It explains the purpose of this journal so I am not missunderstood.

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A black hole is a benighted wonder.

There is a way in and a way out. Sometimes I fall in and other times I jump. In both instances I surrender to a dark narrative. I let it happen because I know the way. My body remembers the past like yesterday and today is screaming silently in front of me. Falling into a black hole and coming out of the other side is a dizzying affair when repeated over and over again.  I don’t want to feel dizzy anymore. Thus the need for the journal, to help me focus on one point so I don’t lose myself — I would like to skip over the hole, instead of falling in.

If I were to skip over the hole, the energy of the present propels me forward. The somberness I feel is a valid response to what is in front of me. At times I witness sad things. Thoughts come with the somberness, I drop them in the hole as my foot lands on the other side — lets do this again, I need to get the jump right,

          its a skip with one leg forward leading and the other trailing in a swift glide
               it’s a sprint, then a leap with one leg forward leading
               and the other trailing in a swift glide

            (Breathing deeply) and i go — I need to let go of these thoughts. OWWWWWW!
               my foot slipped. It hurts. I noticed a thought. Last night I sat on the edge of the hole.

I imagined other ways I can drop the thoughts —- I will put my hand on my heart and feel what happens.
               





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*There is a soundtrack playing, Nightlights by Edamame. I need the beat to help keep time. Most tracks I listen to are about the beat, it helps me to focus on what I am doing.

*This draft is ongoing till it isn’t.

*I need to visualize what I feel before translating it to an expository reflection about sadness and depression