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Cookido (a pleasing aesthetic) you are most welcome for the comments. The closeness you feel is mutual.

I am returning to your thoughts about your parents and I am thinking about how parents perceive their children as they grow. This is of particular interest to me. I remember clearly the day I saw my mother’s projected view of me (distorted) when I was in my first somewhat (working through our guises) healthy relationship in my early thirties. I saw the parent not wanting me to make a mistake and taking away from my learning experience, I saw the woman (parent) hurting when she thought of her own love relationship, I saw myself growing, by acting on what I needed and asking this of my partner. It felt weird to recognize all these facets; it was a liberating weird.

This experience gave me practice in compassion for myself and others — to me, this meant letting things be as they are (recognizing what is out of my control), with me moving forward in a liberating weird way.  The heaviness of worry lifted; I now prefer a light weighted existence, I get it when I can.

**Cookido, I just realized this is a journal and I have started a discussion that would be best moved to a thread outside your journal. I apologize for my negligence. Could we move this post to a new thread?

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The eyes see everything but itself.

There are other senses. When I read this, I thought about it and realized I know myself through touch, feeling in the body. Sight gives me reference, its surface oriented, the deeper knowledge comes from touch/feeling — its the movement within a space.

If a person knows one’s self through all the senses, what does one find out? How does one assign validity to the knowledge? Perhaps, the variations one chooses, develops attunement to one’s authentic nature.

The quagmire of bovine faeces.

If one knows one’s self while walking through the bovine faeces, it will be humility that leads the way, still yet, not the best place to dine. True, others who show one the direction in an uncritical way are rare.

Over the holiday I responded to a mass family email with a request to be removed from the list. I wrote about my desire to not take part in ‘generic’  family updates that sugarcoat systemic abuse; offered solutions for healthier ways of relating, references for understanding what it means to love one another, and what I can do to be part of the solution. It felt really good to do this.

Some responses came from a place of anger and missed the point — but there was one that stood out. She apologized and continued to share her experience as part of the problem and the solution. I felt relief and pain in the clarity of her tone. She wrote from an honest place —- I never felt that from her before in words, like a double positive in grammar (does this even exist?). It felt good to read her feelings. It’s the beginning of a conversation, I don’t know where it will lead but I believe in the connection and the sharing.

The progress I felt came from showing myself to people I love and holding out for the precious part; believing in myself and letting go of the result, so I could be surprised —-  letting the abusive rhetoric fall away.

Nothing is like drawing the line. Firm action from a place of compassion always worked for me (with self work at the core). Enjoy the relief of being YOU :  )

Welcome, a virtual    to meet your fragileness, if that suits you.

Every time I joined a forum it was from a fragile place seeking help. After a few exchanges I would feel better, a bit more sure of how to be with ‘it’ all and I felt lucky to have a few people to ask questions to. May  you find what you are looking for and feel reassured about being fragile and being here.

Cookido, I dont know what to say — your reflection beautifully expresses where you are. A step forward, yes! And for keeping it around to remind you later to enjoy the relief you gave yourself. (You know your ‘self’ and you are loving it!) I get this. Many times, that ‘emotional confusion’ distorts the choice I made to live on my own terms. The distortion is not real but ‘choosing me’ and how I ‘sight’ it, becomes my way through. Your choice of words and tone resonate with me.

I especially enjoyed your visual of lifting from the ground and floating! I do relate. I was a flyer in my youth, too. When I remember what made me happy back then, it brings me present. Saying to myself, ‘What is happening right now? What am I doing to make the life I imagine?’  Recognizing that your lifestyle limits your ability to know more states of emotion is amazing! It means you are changing. Your writing is open, mindful, and willing to explore. May the energy of these emotional states sustain you, while you venture into becoming who you are.

Cookido, I would like to write more but I have to go. Emotional writing takes me longer to do (I feel so much; I struggle to put it to words)  but its so worth the wait. I will get back to you with more —- your inquiry about a motivation to live, hit me in the right spot. Thank you.







  They are standing

Sure thing. When I visit, I will take an extra look around. Enjoy the healing time.

Feeling deeply hard emotions in between therapy is like a trapped feeling for me but I had to figure it out (like what you are doing: shower, crying, self talk,.. ) — because like the kids visiting you, something is always around the corner to be present to. I will take the time away - see no one, and head for a hike in the wilderness, cry, scream, let it out — and then let the wilderness come in. Sit for awhile and listen, its not so quiet. I cant always fix it right then and there — so i let that go. I focus on my thoughts and mood.

Something I also realize is that I will not always have the therapist, which is good, because ultimately I will always have myself. when I do find that space to heal on my own — I let the T know and take a break. Give myself some practice in self healing, then return to therapy with the self work in place ready to un jumble something else.

may letting things happen take you where you need to go

 

Either way I am feeling accomplished and hopeful still. The anxiety of my to do list is still there but less so than it was now that I have started this process.

Slim, kindness triggers still plague me. When it happens I assess the situation, look at the facts, inquire about intentions, notice how I feel—— ask myself, do these feelings match the actions I am experiencing? Then I am a bit closer to being present to it.

may you find a way through that works for you

When I was young I could remember details that most would not care for - too many details. I played alone mostly in the woods by the house in a big city — with made up kingdoms in the trees I climbed. I learn through touch and movement. Over the years, it was external stimuli that injured me repeatedly in the family unit and from public interaction (teacher abuse and police harassment at eight years) I coped, as kids do - found hacks and lived on.

I am unsure if the way I processed information was innate or an outcome from resolving abuse, maybe both. But something funny happened and I didn’t realize it till I was much older — I can recognize patterns in language and respond accordingly but the conscious part of my brain doesnt pick it up till a bit later, I thought this was related to emotional dysregulation (a cPTSD symptom) but now I think it falls on the Autism Spectrum

does anyone else have this problem?

With all that written, did I put this in the wrong forum?

One of my favorite understandings about wellness is that mental health seeks its own level of awareness. What you put out you get back. With that said, I have learned that a person who is sick or injured (addiction, unaware of cPTSD behaving, etc,..)  can have mental wellness present and this gives this person the wherewithal to seek wellness. (Dont throw the baby out with the bath water) Knowing this, helps me to identify unhealthy patterns of behaving in my own life and within the family unit. So, yeah, Slim, when it runs wild in the family - it is systemic and ugly 

Resources that have helped me to understand this came from attending ACOA meetings as a child (with my mom) and later as an adult/open NA meetings with friends/CBT and DBT Therapy/Buddhist teachings/and being present to people; living daily life.

LilyITV, it gives me pleasure to help others your thanks is appreciated.

Enjoy rewriting memories with your husband. It is strange when you start noticing how often it happens (the ef’s), the fun part is turning it around until the present takes over, and you are doing it together - wow!

I was fortunate a few years back, to have found a brilliant counselor for two years; she helped me to reclaim my sense of intimacy through DBT therapy practice that supported me while I was single and later when I was in a relationship. So I pass on the kudos to her!

Being let down by the FOO feels horrific and debilitating but there is a silver lining. It depends how one looks at it,... if it is as a child, or the adult looking back at the child, or the adult experiencing it later in life - all experiences I have been through; with the help of recognizing the stages of grief, I continue to move through EF triggers more easily (This gave me relief over the years; helping me to rewrite narratives that promoted growth and understanding - loving myself)

Its interesting to note how resilient we are when we have the tools to self-heal which is learned and practiced. Something that always worked for me when questioning the crazy making behavior of FOO member(s), is the fact that I will never understand the their intentions, but I can choose how to engage with an FOO member, asking myself what do I hope to gain from this interaction (questioning helps me to debunk my tendency towards codependency) - when that is answered then everything else falls into place. In response to your queries about acknowledging positive experiences with FOO members who exhibit abusive behavior - what do YOU want to take from those memories? That is where I believe, is the real growth - and what we choose at that time in that particular state of mind helps us to move forward whether its backwards, sideways, or uphill - its a choice and a narrative that will keep changing with us as we come to know ourselves more deeply.

Personally, it has taken me years of investigating self love to realize what it feels like and to remain consistent with a healthy practice - the changing point for me came when I let go of figuring out craziness and I started collecting a beautiful montage of loving moments. These moments inform me about love happening in the present - daily life - recognizing and attracting healthy connections and then choosing to open myself up to these experiences. (Again, work in progress)

This is a great thread! Thanks snookibookie for bringing this up - its SO hard figuring out what to do when one is trying to move forward, and in this movement a decision must be made in how to be with an FOO member(s) that is not working towards mental wellness which is evident in their actions. The feelings that come up in this questioning can shake the root of a person but after being SHOOK we are left with a desire for a solution - what does a healthy family experience feel like? Look like? How can I inspire this health in my own family? What am I doing in my life to promote wellness?  How do I engage with members of the FOO when my family is affected by their presence?

I am inspired by all of you. You all ask hard questions and I am adding to them. I love it!

Rainagain, I completely understand the hamster in the wheel visual. This can also be ascribed to creating narratives (assuming the state of the hamsters mind) that fill in gaps of knowledge thus the spinning (groundless perceptions) till the wheel stops in the moment and recognizes the present (unaware of ones surroundings and finding a way forward).

Yes, there can be perceived dangers, luckily the frontal lobes can come to the rescue! Following in the steps of a PTSD mind, in the healing phase, the frontal lobes can differentiate between what is false and what is true, especially when manipulation is at play. The key here, is the way forward, how to go about it in a healthy manner — ‘to get a better outcome’.

Perhaps, break it down. What variables are at play here?The hamster, looking at the hamster, and the intentions from each position.

In one instance the hamster realizes its actions as sad, funny, and helpless. This is a critical point of awareness and nothing to be ashamed of.

In another, the hamster is spinning in the wheel to build momentum; it realized a fault in the cage, the inertia created from the spinning could release the lock, and it does. (Gaining control of the original tragedy)

The story of Platos Cave is another frame for interpreting this scenario. And this leaves us with ‘choice,’ how to move forward; its personal, collective, and requires respect for any real change to happen.

Rainagain, your thought is appreciated. I had to write this out to engage with it. Yes, it’s definitely a discussion for another thread (great point Contessa)